Hey guys, very rarely do I explain my in real life problems to the masses but I do believe it has reached peak point of my sanity (maybe exaggerated, idk) and this maybe a way for me to vent and ask for opinions

I've been dating this girl for a year and a half, very sweet girl, understanding, kind, anything I could ask for

Seems like no-brainer, right? Up until I asked about her past in the initial phase of the dating. Sounds like red flag, yes? But I do not want any surprises when I'm dating her.

She had 30+ bodycounts, she was treated badly by other guys and whatnots. There was a glimpse of hope for me, thinking she wouldn't repeat her history on me.

BUT there are caveats to my hope

There has been a time where she went out with a guy that took her virginity, saying she was helping the man sell Takoyaki to Uni Students. She said, she had to and had not realized she had offered her help. Nothing else that she did with the man, but to this day I'm still skeptical. She admitted it was her fault.

One time, she wanted to go out with her "abang angkat" on the night of Christmas, she even begged, she knew the abang angkat before she even know me. They did not go out as the abang angkat did not get cuti on that day.

Another one, is she asked me can she go out with her friends? I said yeah, go for it but little did I know the person that will take her had FWB experience with her, I did ask her beforehand "Did you guys do anything?" (referring to her past, did she do anything with this guy) to that she said No. But then, she refused to go out for some unknown reasons. Months later, she shown me a picture of a guy asking her out(ITS THE SAME EXACT GUY), she did this to show that she is loyal, later I asked her what did she do with him to which she later replied she had done something with the dude(she forgotten she had lied). I was heartbroken to say the very least, she lied to me. And had she gone out with the dude months earlier, what the fuck would have I done I dont even know man.


She seems so genuine, she still loves me, she had asked her parents for marriage with me, never have I seen a person be this serious to me, but with all the terrible pasts, things she did... I become very hesitant.

What if someone that knew how she is, saw that she's with me? Will they tell everyone what they had done to her? Will they say I'm an idiot for accepting her?

What if she repeats her past with me? I've experienced it firsthand, but that was the initial part of the dating, will she change for the better?

I feel conflicted, I need opinions

I am very disappointed in myself, years ago I said to myself I wouldn't be accepting someone with such high bodycounts, even mocked the people that does it but here it come bite me back in the ass. Never had I know it is a complex decision to make when it is on top of my nose.

This post has been edited by R0ADTAX: May 30 2025, 10:03 AM

You're having so many doubts and suspicions. Even when she explained her side of the story, you still have no confidence that what she said is true. A relationship fills with doubts and mistrusts will never work in the end. Just a 2cent from a single guy

She's literally a walking red flag. If she can lie to u about this, imagine other things that she can lie to u about after u guys got married. Who knows maybe this lie is just a tip of the iceberg that u happened to discover.

There are many other girls like her out there. You deserve better. Love yourself more.

Love is blind, get a good friend to help you see it.
or she is a changed woman, insaf d, won't do the same mistakes.
Either way, this is the internet, go get a real friend to advice u on this.
It could be a red flag, but it could also be your best future.

If you say discard right away, it's like saying discard own parents. It's easier said than done.

you feel disappointed because you still have that idealistic dream of having a good girl

maybe yourself don't have many girl experiences before, but people come and go by themselves. Have a realistic goal with your unnecessary expectations. You likely already picture having how many kids with this person without even recognizing own problems as well

she feels defensive because you (yourself) are defensive as well, you may not be a good role model for her, so does her own parents. There's nothing much you can do when it comes to "changing" her, but time will tell whether she's completely loyal to you.

when it comes to advice, people project their subjective experiences. There's no absolute right or wrong black or white. Therefore when people ask for advices, they usually ask for listening ears.

If you give good advice, they may not mention your name
If you give bad advice, they may even blame or hate you

either way there's no good outcome from it

If she offer to bring you along while she's out with them, then it's still ok.

But it felt like her ex-bfs especially the one that took her virginity seems to have some sort of blackmail on her, because she can't reject and must help the man sell Takoyaki to Uni Students.

Also the fact that she didn't offer to bring you along to meet her abang angkat on Christmas seems a bit fishy to me. Mostly likely her ex-abusive guys still have a hold on her, because she kept having to beg you to give "permission" for her outings.

You might need to do some investigation on this, because it felt like she had no choice but to cater to her exes biddings despite she being in a loving relationships with you. She might be being threaten rn by her exes, and she had to follow them or else they might leak stuff to you, which cause you to dump her. At least, please talk to her, because she might need your help and protection on this.

Keep away from girl with high body count unless u like drama in life........

Marriage is to get life partner that is responsible

The past? It’s done. Nothing you can do about it.

Now look at the present — is she sincere?

If you’re putting in 100%, gauge how much she’s actually investing in this relationship.

Is it 33% to her ex?
33% to her abang angkat?
And whatever scraps are left — that’s for you?

You only need to send one clear signal — and it’s not through words, it’s through action.

If she can’t cut the others off, she’s not choosing you — she’s just managing options.
No one serious about you keeps backup plans.

She says she talked to her mother about marriage — and just like that, you’re controlled?
Marriage isn’t her call alone. If she hasn’t shown real reform, stability, or the mindset to be a wife — why would you marry her?

Set an internal deadline.
Once it’s due — and she’s still not fully committed — walk away.

Sometimes, when people are making bad life decisions, cutting them off ruthlessly is the kindest thing you can do.
Otherwise, they’ll never learn their lesson.

Her past comes haunting her, but you can advise and support to put her past to rest:
- ask her why she insists to go out with these men
- if she's being blackmailed, then it's your choice to shoulder such burden with her. Remember: internet is ruthless but forgetful.
- if she thinks they're platonic friends now then voice your insecurities and that you prefer her to hang out with other friends. If one really wants the current relationship to flourish then the pesky past loves need to be cast aside. There needs to be a balance between her freedom and your insecurities, but I think it's fair in your case to demand her commitment because she already broke your trust (elaborate to her if needed). Trust needs to be rebuilt and both need to work towards enabling the freedom and security again.

It sounds to me she cares about this relationship too, but something needs to change. The stories are a bit too vague so maybe there's some misunderstanding there? Talk it out together, acknowledge as your negative emotions arise but remind each other that you argue with a goal in mind: you both want a happy ending with each other.

You want the truth?
This girl belongs to street.

All these doubts and suspicions stems from the fact those 3 situations happened in the first place, she do put her trust on me 100%, but I don't.

Noted with thanks

Noted with thanks

I do feel disappointed, she came across as genuine, confessed to me first, made me feel comfortable and safe but I do not picture myself with her in marriage yet, still not that far as the doubts surmounts

After those 3 instances, I did scold her about it, I set boundaries and such, I did feel like I'm too controllish that even other people and her friends view me as a red flag but THEY NEVER KNOW WHAT REALLY HAPPENS is what pisses me off, she seems changed for now, she cut off her ties with guys completely, focuses on me only, but for the future with prospect of Long-Distance-Relationship awaiting? I don't know man...

There was no blackmail involved (probably), as it was only one time and the only time it happened

As for the abang angkat, I did ask her to bring me as well, but the abang angkat does not allow (lol), the meeting taking place at night as well (tf)

She did cut off all ties with guys completely but for the future I am not so certain what will happen, hence the big question mark, will anyone threaten her to leak stuff about her? And if so and so happened, should I break away or should I stay with my face on the mud?

Noted with thanks...

I do believe I can say that she's a changed person after all those 3 instances happened as she cut off ties with guys, I did set my boundaries about guys, but for the future is unknown as in the next 3 months we will be on long-distance-relationship

It';s true that the past is done, nothing I can do about it but her past kept lurking in like a pack of snakes, not fun and mentally challenging as well to confront

but I'll do take note on your advice, thanks

I do feel like your response is kinda AI-generated, sorry but

1 guy she said she had forgotten she had offered her help (kinda BS reason actually)
2 guy bcos she wanted to meet for the first time as they only chat online be4
3 bcos she wanna hang out with many friends

there was no sign of blackmail, but I am not yet prepared when that day come, what can I do? Break away or help her as my face goes into the mud for dating a girl with high BC?

The Chinese idiom - “If ‘what if’ could change fate, the streets would be empty of beggars.”. If there were a way to change the past, I believe all the sorrow and sadness in this world could be erased.

The change -is it born from genuine inner reform?

Or is it merely driven by fear?

Fear of hurting you?
Fear of your scolding?
Fear of you walking away?

Or perhaps it's motivated by reward - the benefit of staying on your good side?

Each of these comes from a different quality of love. And each carries a different weight of sincerity. No one else can answer this for you. This is where your own discernment matters - to see what cannot be seen with the eye.

If that feels too difficult, then just follow the trail of the outcome. Actions never lie. That will reveal the person’s true intention.

There's so much you can do ie anger management
If she believed you're good for her, she would change herself without even you asking for it.

If you still have doubt, just break it off
otherwise be single and at peace yourself

Lol I'm definitely not generating any AI response, but I was parroting some of what others already said (e.g. possibility of blackmail).

3rd reason: if her exes are her only choices then maybe she should find new friends.

Well, you won't necessarily know how you'll feel and act when push comes to shove. You may think you can't handle her past, but maybe you'll accept it and support her when the time comes. Or maybe not, but I don't think you need to blame yourself too much about it.

But I think what's important now is that she should know you have lots of insecurities with her past baggage, and those things have been fuelling your behaviour that her friends call "red flags". You should not hide behind your anger, instead consider sharing your emotions with her and hopefully that drives her to do what she needs to, in order to let you feel secure again.

You both always have the choice to leave, because it's easier to be single/unhurt... But is she worth your pain / are you worth her pain?

This post has been edited by Takudan: Jun 1 2025, 04:11 PM

This guy told you the truth but you just ignore him. Well good luck, have fun.

You sound like you’re being emotionally manipulated and gaslighted by someone who knows exactly how to play the “sweet, misunderstood victim” card.

Let’s break it down:

She pursued you, came off as the “perfect girlfriend”, made you feel safe, wanted, and chosen. She talked about settling down and marriage although you didn't have such thoughts yet. Then, it was only after you asked about her past that she slowly started revealing parts of it. She didn’t come clean voluntarily. She trickled the truth, revealing only what she had to when you questioned her.

Then came the real problem. She kept doing things behind your back with other men, testing your trust again and again. And every time she crossed a line, she either minimised it, lied, or begged for your understanding.

That’s not accountability.
That’s damage control.

You're an easy catch for her because you want to believe the best. You’ve created this image of her as the “ideal girlfriend” or “future wife”, and now you're fighting against reality to protect that fantasy. But deep down, you feel something’s off, and it’s eating at you.

She knows this. She knows you’ll keep giving her chances. So she gives you just enough sincerity to reel you back in, while never truly respecting your boundaries. This isn’t growth. It’s manipulation with a smile.

If she were serious about change, you wouldn’t be discovering truths months later. You wouldn’t feel confused, conflicted, or like the villain every time you react to being lied to.

This isn’t love. It’s a loop of guilt, hope, and control, dressed up in “good girl” behaviour. A wolf in sheep’s clothing, slowly eroding your peace of mind.

So here’s the hard question:
Do you want to spend your future constantly questioning the woman beside you?
Or do you want a relationship where you don’t have to play detective, therapist, or emotional bodyguard just to keep things stable?

Now think long-term:
If your family (and especially your future children) found out what kind of woman you chose as your wife/their mother… would you feel proud?
Or would you regret letting your standards bend this far?

It’s not that people don’t deserve second chances. But she hasn’t shown she’s earned one yet. She's just using you.

You deserve honesty. You deserve trust. And you deserve a truly loyal partner.
You want a woman who’s honest with you, respects your boundaries, and considers your feelings without needing to be reminded.

Right now, she isn’t that woman—and she may never be.
She’s still too entangled in her past and her connections with other men to offer you the kind of pure, intentional love you deserve.

This post has been edited by Ralna: Jun 1 2025, 02:28 PM

You are looking at the wrong indicators.

Yes, body count is one indicator, but it really doesn't matter that much. Look at her actions, her believes, her values. It must all align, if it doesn't then something is very wrong and you won't be able to trust her.

Why would she keep in contact with people who supposedly abused her? Why would she continue to seek their attention and company? People here being nice and say they might have blackmail material on her. That is unlikely, its way more likely she just enjoys the attention.

There are guys to have fun with, and the guy for stability (you). The way she behaves, you're not her priority, nor does she care about your feelings or have any respect for the relationship.

Open your eyes and see the truth. You know it, stop rationalising.

What is done is done. Can you live with that fact now? It's like plenty of emotional baggages that comes with it and nothing guarantees that it will not happen again.

If you can't find make peace with it, you have your answer.