recently wife's family came visit and brought along her mom, brother and his wife..... so i treated them to a short holiday out of KL..... they were down for a week or so......all was good but after they went back....my dilemma started.... wife started to get emo and booked her self an air bnb for 2 nites sort of run a way frm home..... till i have to call n persuade her to come back home...

So im sure u and all the guys r curious what happened.... apparently she says i treat her bro's wife better than her..... becoz her bro wife's got some chinese blood in her..... we chinese treat chinese better...... my wife is thai btw. Im like WTF???!! with this it escalates to world war 3.... sighhhh...

So in my mind i treat all visitors the same doesn't matter if ur white, black or yellow..... how did i end up in this situation??? any advise how to deal with this dilemma?

you dont need to convince and talk logics
you just lead firmly and say something like appreciating sentence but dont ever beg her

women insecurity can be like tornado if you dont manage it correctly, they like to keep emotional debts until they start greenhat you behind your back

I am not sure how long you are married but usually women are driven by emotions, not logic. hence you have to take care of her feelings and balance this marriage.

for now, try to have a long talk with her and have an open talk but dont judge her as both of you have different perspective and might not see each other's concern. remember relationship is mutual.

paging Takudan for more advise

Wah thanks for the tag lol

Hi TS,
As your initial emergency response, don't bother trying to find out on your own where did you do wrong. Instead, assure her with words and back up with actions: you'll let her cool down for a day and enjoy her me-time at the Airbnb, meanwhile you show your care by sending her meals at the Airbnb. Next day you call to ask show up at her door then have a calm and slow talk. If you want to save the money and stop her from going to Airbnb then give her space, time and love at home.

Key points:
- don't aggravate fight/flight/freeze response. When conflict escalates, people tend to resort to 3F, which is reflected as being defensive or avoidant. You can't solve a problem if you don't understand, and you can't understand if she won't talk.
- she feels unloved so the last thing you want to do is reaffirm that thought, so shower her with extra care when she needs it (while cooling down at the Airbnb).
- give yourselves time limit for the cooldown to align expectations -- no one should feel like the other is avoiding forever, but you want enough time and space to sort your thoughts.

Once you're in talking mood, you can try to understand more from her. I can imagine a few scenarios:
A) "too kind"?
She must've seen something you did that she felt was overboard. Maybe you were "too kind" at one point, while in your head, you're just trying to be the nice host.

B) language barrier?
Can she speak Chinese? If not, then it's not nice to talk in Chinese as she would be left out in the conversation. I also struggle with this as my bf is banana while I'm already used to Cantonese with my family. I try to translate at the end of every paragraph so he agak2 gets the context. That said, your wife may have stronger desire to mingle so she may have felt bad being left out at that time. Your laughters with your SIL without context to her could've sparked the jealousy.

C) other historical problems?
You'll have to hear more stories from her to find out... Maybe her relationship with her brother isn't so well, or she had some beef with her SIL in the past, she has negative bias towards her.

Btw, women tend to connect things more than men, so man may think that one problem isn't related to another but say that to a woman, she'll be upset you're trying to dismiss that part of the problem. She may also get to that conclusion if you happen to accidentally ignore her when talking to others.

Thai women dangerous. So many on news shot with gun, stabbing, cut of dick.

they gave you everything and this is the downside

yes its normal for thai girl

Woman's instinct is always right

Is your brother-in-law wife looked prettier?

This post has been edited by GagalLand: May 1 2024, 08:48 PM

Hey Takudan,
Thanks for a listening ear....

A) Too kind- To her by just asking what kind of dishes the SIL prefer also alredi overboard for her ...amazes me thou.... as a host of coz its normal to just ask..... i also asked her bro and mom but normally they dont really response to me as their english is not good..... and normally if i speak english i will convery to my wife first for her to translate to her mom n bro.....

B) Language- No barrier, as they all dunno chinese.... even the SIL has some chinese blood in her but speaks zero chinese.... they speak Thai 100% of the time to each other.... so i am the only fella that speaks english n some thai to them..... but however in all communications i find the SIL has the similar mindset and understanding...without much explaning needed.....i dont think having some chinese blood has anything to do with this....

C) Historical problems- wife with bro and SIL is super close they even have their own whatsapp group chat....without me inside....coz its all in thai.. During the short trip, and we had planned to go to this spot for lunch but when we arrived the food we wanted is sold out....so we were discussing on where and what to eat next....suddenly wife stand up & runaway.... n i was stunned and was left with her mom and bro and SIL..... another WTF moment for me! my initial response was asking her mom and bro wat happen? they all also shake head and stunned..... so I go search n find her again n asked to join back her family....from here.... in all honestly its quite scary alredi.... and this is only a 2 days 1 nite trip... if got baby in future how lar.....

With all of this, we've only been married for 3.5 yrs.....and we r also doing IVF to try for a baby.....but i slowly see that we both r very different views n perspective to life.....im 46 and shes 42 so it cant be immaturity....

Any advise is welcome esp if u have been in the same situation like me....

Any chances your wife menopause arrives earlier ? Just say sorry first & get her to go home first. Do more observation, in future just be more tactful.

Her guests, let her handle it herself.

Your guests, if male - you handle them. If female - let her handle / talk with them.

Hi, sorry but I don't have experience there as I'm not married I can only try to help you understand women's perspectives or possible problems in your relationship.

I'm afraid I have to disagree with your statement that age = mature. I know a few who are way older but can be childish at times. Yknow how sometimes you feel difficult to deal with certain stubborn elderly who wants everything their way? Yeah that's immaturity to me. In your case, I don't want to label her yet because some of your examples are too generic and we don't have her side of the story.

Back to her jealousy, I think I can understand a little why she reacted that way:
A+B combined does paint a picture that you treat her SIL better than the other 2 guests. You both gel better in conversations somehow made her magnify onto your actions with her so anything "extra" could trigger her alarm. That said, I personally find it strange still, because her jealousy implies that she doesn't trust her SIL either.

As for C), it's common in a group discussion setting that one may feel shunned if s/he gets interrupted every now and then, even more so by own partner. For example, I have felt upset before when my bf interrupted me in a conversation as it made me feel unheard. We argued, and then we would both say what's in our mind. Apparently, sometimes he just gets a pressing question in his head and he'd have to get it out immediately. Understanding that, gave me the awareness that he's not doing it on purpose nor to spite me, so even if I feel annoyed, it's not something I should lash out at him, so I'd show a pouty face and he'd know. To me, this argument was a good one, because we understand each other a bit more to know how to react to the same situation again next time.

From what you say in quote below, your arguments went nowhere and you shoved all the problems under the rug. Both hold grudges and now the ugliness is seeping through. I'm not sure what went wrong, but you both need to learn to read each other minds -- think of arguments like an open book test where you're supposed to ask flip to the right page to get your answer (ask the right question in a right manner). If she reacts defensively all the time, then maybe it has something to do with the way you bring up the issue, e.g. yelling, or aggressively calling her out.

Back to her jealousy.... I like nihility's idea on handling guests in the future. She clearly has trust issues, so try to adjust to her boundaries to earn her trust. If she has issues with you + SIL, then you ask her to take over so you don't have to interact as much. Be careful though, it'll be a big red flag if she starts restricting every interaction with the opposite gender, as there's a limit to how you can control and beyond that, she needs to address her own insecurities.

Besides that, I think one of the ways is to show your affection in ways she'll pick up. Try everything you can: sweet talking, smooth jokes, acts of services, physical touches, gifts etc. I don't know what floats her boat, you'll need to figure that out. If she's convinced you love her, then I think she's more likely to have "good faith assumptions" of you.

"Listen" is one thing but I think she's looking for visible change. It's not easy for sure, but it just seems like she has some expectations.

Regarding chores, I really liked the other guy's suggestion in the original thread. Switch your positions for a week or month to understand each other's daily life. The key is to really try your best to understand.

As we Malaysians we always react with words like No lar , kenot one lar , can’t lar apparently these words hurt her a lot n almost disrespecting her in a way ….But those r just normal words to us Malaysians nothing to do with disrespecting or has any double meaning …. Those words r like in our blood how to delete it from our daily conversation ??!!

Also she tends to raise her voice during a discussion n slam doors , slams fridge doors etc …. Which in the end I’m the one apologized n we Nvr talk about any solution as it will escalate things to even worst …this makes me scared to talk further anymore …. from ur sharing at least u and ur bf still can have a proper discussion after ur pounting antics.

I also notice she always has issues with me about me not listening however I’m the one who apologized always later on …. This makes me ask myself wtf am I doing ?

As for interrupting her in a conversation I’m exactly like u bf where we have a burning desire to provide an immediate answer to a questions n that’s all …. No intention to block or cut off anyone ….. this part is also can’t take it ! Sigh 😌

Not the 1st time.

those foreign wife have this issue.

My friend married to Vietnamese hanoi girl also face this kind of issue.

its her own way of saying to you, that you don't appreciate her enough. Her cooking, the things she do for you.

take her out or do something nice for her.

This post has been edited by hoonanoo: May 4 2024, 05:02 PM

as i read your reply on the another thread, seems you over pampered your wife to be housewife but.... do nothing? you didn't mention whether you have kiddos or not but I believe she have plenty of time to do house work.

2ndly, the one who should jealous should be your bil 1st, not your wife

if i were you, if she need 2 days some peace of mind in air bnb, i wont bother to pujuk her back. that's part of your wife's family, if like this also wanna jealous, better your wife bring them out than you lo, the most you become driver and sip your cola

anyway, sorry to say, you married your wife despite knowing she is being a princess, no one can help you on this except you coz we don't know what she likes and dislikes. good luck bro

but if you need an ear... we are all ears for you

Yeah im in a dazed for the past few days..... we do not have any kids.... we had a long talk.... and ultimately she keeps telling me she scared being taken advantage of.... hence she is wat she is today..... and i fail to give her love and attention....that she needs in her way.....

Is divorce the only way out? we had the same talk for thousand times alredi.... its still come back to sq one almost 100% of the time....like a merry go round..... hate to give up but i dont think there are other options for us now....

from your sharing, it seemed like both of you dont understand each other's need and concern, maybe understanding about each other isn't strong and deep enough to have a strong relationship. try to avoid communication when both are defensive and emotional

there are other options if you really want to save this relationship, perhaps can consider therapy or counselling session

Omg! Excellent news for you!

My advice to you, just get new partner! Dont miss the chance!

divorce is a big matter to decide... not just hey lets divorce then be single again. you have to consider the time you need to spend to go counseling, to the court, you have to fight for Alimony and your property(ies). or you have to stay separate for 2 years (with prove) before filing divorce and whatever procedures you need to go thru.

sorry to say, in a relationship, nice to say we are helping and supporting each other, not nice to say, we are taking advantage of each other. from what i read, she have taken lots of advantage being a housewife without doing anything and you financially support her. Have to work have to do chores, luckily no children yet, else you will be a dead man in 3 - 5 years. to be fair, we still have to listen her side of story.

talk is easy, but execution is always the most difficult. there are times you need to follow up and encouragement to ensure changes is make. nothing is easy, seriously. We still need to compromise here and there to make changes. If you still cherish her, then make a change for both of you, probably a small step at a time.

you can try talk to redracer2004 since he have his share of experience.

Well for me, I don't have any children to pay for Alimony. So mine was much simpler.

Thanks for being realistic here..... to be fair shes currently contributing financially about 35% of our total household expenditure and im contri 65% as im working, she was previously working also contribute 35%..... this has been agreed when we got married..... and im ok with it..... however.... most chores is by me (when she is working she doesn't cook either only on maybe once a week on sunday).
I dont have kids, dont have shared assets, past few days tried to talk but we end up arguing.... again.....shes now gone back to Bkk.....

oh well, what is done just let it past. let her have some cool down period in BKK before she decide her next step. Probably let your in law comfort her. give her a call after few days or a week.

If you are really stressed about on this matter and have trouble to rest/ sleep, better to have a time out; go chill with friends or massage. Massage always helps me sleep better, especially those use oil massage and rub your back till very warm... i wouldn't recommend you go for alcohol/ beer, except you have friends go together.