I was being asked, if I am fine for not going to any outing.
I did not reply. But I realized that I have no ambition to go anywhere, to buy anything, to do anything. I don't even know what to live for. I had seek proper help, but it's barely helping. Knowing that my life will never improve, gave me strength to make me want to do it.

what do u need

Don't do it. Understand you have been in a tough position for so long that you cannot see a way forward.

You need a change of environment. Some fresh air. Go yumcha with good friends, visit some parks, hike a hill.

Just hang on.

don't do it. look for that one thing, one thing that you don't want to let loose, that one thing that you don't want to give it a miss. there is always that one thing. look for it and hold on to it.

back in 2009, I was diagnosed with anhedonia. i was on cocktail of pills (ssri, alprazolam, zolpidem, lorazepam, etc). I am still here, I have my dips, rarely major episodes, but I hold on to that one thing that I don't want to ever let go. that i treasure the most.

that one thing to me is; music.

to explain it further (why music), you might wanna read this write-up: https://www.heavyblogisheavy.com/2017/01/12...al-black-metal/

we will overcome, we are entitled to overcome.

hang on buddy.

Do you have good friends you can talk to? Sometimes, just talking about it and letting your thoughts and feelings out helps.

If they are not available, perhaps you can contact The Befrienders.

This post has been edited by shuhuan: Mar 13 2020, 11:55 AM

I took too long to edit/censor these chats.
I not bothered to explain how I feel now, let everyone judge first.
Any questions may ask too.

It's not up to us to judge. This chat is recent?

Yes. All I see is how he blames me. When I question him anything, he keep pointing that I abuse my child. After two weeks of cold war, nothing changes.
How I feel, he cannot accept that both he and his angel mother has been bad. Since he thinks they are so perfect, there is no room for changes.
I feel best that I vanish. Beside him still blame me, I left him still can blame me. I should have go hell.

No, you don't deserve to go to hell, and no, we'd prefer that you not vanish.

I feel he currently has lost control of his normal everyday life and cannot look clearly at the overall big picture of the situation. Our brain sometimes find excuse and point fingers at others in such situations.

He is currently not very rational I think. Dont take his words to heart.

He made me feel like a waste on Earth. With the psychiatrist is also same, all he can only talk about is how I abuse my child, or how I can ever find faults with his dear family as if the whole world is against me. If I did abuse I wish for anyone please put me in jail.
He still refuse to accept that both he and his angel like mother do have problems. Since he can't accept, there is no more room for any improvement. Btw, his family had proven to be mean as well, it's not that I want to find faults, it's them being greedy money minded so how is this not a bad attribute.
The moment he said that he rather keep his dear mother happy (which is a financial burden that he refused to see it as a burden) and to stop providing for us, I felt that I and my child haven't and will never be part of his family that he will keep.

If you don't mind sharing, how do you feel about this?

Hopeless, as in totally hopeless. Communication with him is impossible. How to discuss anything with him bombing about the so called abuse. The first step for improvement is he needs to know the faults and his mother is definitely bad who also need mental treatment. Now he thinks they are perfect, nothing to improve. Hence I said I might as well be dead.

I see. Agreed that communication with him is difficult now. He seems to have something like 'siege mentality' now. Sometimes, people can take a very very long time to realise things. Perhaps it's best to leave him alone for now.

Pls do not let others decide your self worth and whether you are worthy to live or die. You are much better than this.

Edit : I am not sure whether you considered this before, but just in case you need it - https://wao.org.my

This post has been edited by V429: Mar 13 2020, 02:26 PM

Thanks for the link, but he doesn't get physical. It's all the words and actions that made me feel redundant.
"Siege mentality is a shared feeling of victimization and defensiveness—a term derived from the actual experience of military defences of real sieges."
He is very defensive, but I never make him the victim. But he does blame me a lot on making him a difficult middle man. He asked me why I can't live with his angel mother yet she can live with me, I easily answered back that I do not bully her but she disturb me, interfere me, used to kick me but changed to injure my child, damage my house. He can't make anyone happy should have face the reason, accept the reasoning, look for improvement. How can he says that he rather give up on me and child while claiming that he is a great father. 🤦

Remember we talked about psychological or emotional abuse? It's included. https://wao.org.my/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

For siege mentality, does not matter whether people make him victim or not, is that he THINKS he is a being victimised and whole world is against him (at least this is my understanding).

Do you have any plans after this? On what to do next?

I open the link and read that he definitely gaslighting me.
I have no plans, but I definitely have to rely on him financially.

Hmm. Gaslighting is a new term for me also.

Possible for you to slowly build up independence away from him? It's not easy given your situation.. but it's always good to have a backup plan.