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> I was being asked, If I am fine

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TSshuhuan
post Mar 13 2020, 01:12 AM, updated 2 months ago

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I was being asked, if I am fine for not going to any outing.
I did not reply. But I realized that I have no ambition to go anywhere, to buy anything, to do anything. I don't even know what to live for. I had seek proper help, but it's barely helping. Knowing that my life will never improve, gave me strength to make me want to do it.
TSshuhuan
post Mar 13 2020, 11:55 AM

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This post has been edited by shuhuan: Mar 13 2020, 11:55 AM
TSshuhuan
post Mar 13 2020, 11:57 AM

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TSshuhuan
post Mar 13 2020, 11:58 AM

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TSshuhuan
post Mar 13 2020, 12:00 PM

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I took too long to edit/censor these chats.
I not bothered to explain how I feel now, let everyone judge first.
Any questions may ask too.
TSshuhuan
post Mar 13 2020, 12:15 PM

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QUOTE(V429 @ Mar 13 2020, 12:05 PM)
It's not up to us to judge. This chat is recent?
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Yes. All I see is how he blames me. When I question him anything, he keep pointing that I abuse my child. After two weeks of cold war, nothing changes.
How I feel, he cannot accept that both he and his angel mother has been bad. Since he thinks they are so perfect, there is no room for changes.
I feel best that I vanish. Beside him still blame me, I left him still can blame me. I should have go hell.
TSshuhuan
post Mar 13 2020, 01:10 PM

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QUOTE(V429 @ Mar 13 2020, 12:36 PM)
No, you don't deserve to go to hell, and no, we'd prefer that you not vanish.

I feel he currently has lost control of his normal everyday life and cannot look clearly at the overall big picture of the situation. Our brain sometimes find excuse and point fingers at others in such situations.

He is currently not very rational I think. Dont take his words to heart.
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He made me feel like a waste on Earth. With the psychiatrist is also same, all he can only talk about is how I abuse my child, or how I can ever find faults with his dear family as if the whole world is against me. If I did abuse I wish for anyone please put me in jail.
He still refuse to accept that both he and his angel like mother do have problems. Since he can't accept, there is no more room for any improvement. Btw, his family had proven to be mean as well, it's not that I want to find faults, it's them being greedy money minded so how is this not a bad attribute.
The moment he said that he rather keep his dear mother happy (which is a financial burden that he refused to see it as a burden) and to stop providing for us, I felt that I and my child haven't and will never be part of his family that he will keep.
TSshuhuan
post Mar 13 2020, 02:01 PM

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QUOTE(V429 @ Mar 13 2020, 01:42 PM)
If you don't mind sharing, how do you feel about this?
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Hopeless, as in totally hopeless. Communication with him is impossible. How to discuss anything with him bombing about the so called abuse. The first step for improvement is he needs to know the faults and his mother is definitely bad who also need mental treatment. Now he thinks they are perfect, nothing to improve. Hence I said I might as well be dead.
TSshuhuan
post Mar 13 2020, 02:39 PM

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QUOTE(V429 @ Mar 13 2020, 02:14 PM)
I see. Agreed that communication with him is difficult now. He seems to have something like 'siege mentality' now. Sometimes, people can take a very very long time to realise things. Perhaps it's best to leave him alone for now.

Pls do not let others decide your self worth and whether you are worthy to live or die. You are much better than this.

Edit : I am not sure whether you considered this before, but just in case you need it - https://wao.org.my
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Thanks for the link, but he doesn't get physical. It's all the words and actions that made me feel redundant.
"Siege mentality is a shared feeling of victimization and defensiveness—a term derived from the actual experience of military defences of real sieges."
He is very defensive, but I never make him the victim. But he does blame me a lot on making him a difficult middle man. He asked me why I can't live with his angel mother yet she can live with me, I easily answered back that I do not bully her but she disturb me, interfere me, used to kick me but changed to injure my child, damage my house. He can't make anyone happy should have face the reason, accept the reasoning, look for improvement. How can he says that he rather give up on me and child while claiming that he is a great father. 🤦
TSshuhuan
post Mar 13 2020, 03:18 PM

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QUOTE(V429 @ Mar 13 2020, 02:48 PM)
Remember we talked about psychological or emotional abuse? It's included. https://wao.org.my/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

For siege mentality, does not matter whether people make him victim or not, is that he THINKS he is a being victimised and whole world is against him (at least this is my understanding).

Do you have any plans after this? On what to do next?
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I open the link and read that he definitely gaslighting me.
I have no plans, but I definitely have to rely on him financially.
TSshuhuan
post Mar 13 2020, 03:29 PM

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QUOTE(V429 @ Mar 13 2020, 03:24 PM)
Hmm. Gaslighting is a new term for me also.

Possible for you to slowly build up independence away from him? It's not easy given your situation.. but it's always good to have a backup plan.
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Everyone told me since I can't have any income, best that I stick with him, and squeeze his money dry like a towel. But then, he mostly spends unnecessarily on his dear mother. He needs to learn to manage his money too. There is a lot too much to be fix that I rather give up living. He does blame me for supporting me too.
TSshuhuan
post Mar 13 2020, 03:46 PM

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QUOTE(V429 @ Mar 13 2020, 03:33 PM)
I see.. Things can be fixed slowly, step by step. May I ask have you considered getting a job? Or are you worried who will take care of your child while you work?
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No money for his day care, so naturally I can't go work. I don't know malay language, the only job I had before in this country for my low education was only 1k. I only plan to continue cold war with him as any words from him is hurtful. And I will remind him how to be a father or I can threaten that I can always run away sliently again.
TSshuhuan
post Mar 13 2020, 04:59 PM

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QUOTE(V429 @ Mar 13 2020, 04:36 PM)
Hmm.. I was thinking maybe you can try teaching tuition at home or perhaps be a nanny. Understand that it's difficult but.. I would still think it's best not to rely too much on him.
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I know that whatever go to work plans will have to wait. So my options is only to endure, which is so so difficult. All that I can do is cry.
TSshuhuan
post Mar 13 2020, 06:13 PM

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QUOTE(V429 @ Mar 13 2020, 05:41 PM)
Crying is good for releasing pent up emotions.

Sometimes it's also helpful to have something to keep yourself preoccupied. Perhaps keeping fit, or learning something on YouTube, etc. Keep the mind focused.

Even if it is difficult, pls hang on.
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Thank you so much. I really appreciate an understanding person.
TSshuhuan
post Mar 13 2020, 06:22 PM

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QUOTE(V429 @ Mar 13 2020, 06:19 PM)
No problem. If you need someone to talk, someone will always be here to listen. smile.gif
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😭 Thank you
TSshuhuan
post Mar 15 2020, 09:59 PM

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QUOTE(George441 @ Mar 15 2020, 05:02 PM)
I agree with @your cat.
What do you really need?
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I don't need a horrible mentally sick mil and a husband who does not care about wife. For him, wife and child is not part of his family. Only the people he grew up with is his only family. So it's not about what I need, it's what I do not need.
TSshuhuan
post Mar 23 2020, 10:16 PM

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QUOTE(fu'house @ Mar 23 2020, 05:53 PM)
Not suggesting anything, but is a divorce an option that you are considering? Seems abusive. Towards you.
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i can't be financially independent, so it's not an option yet.
TSshuhuan
post Mar 26 2020, 12:29 PM

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QUOTE(sweet_pez @ Mar 26 2020, 10:34 AM)
You know, even if you're divorced, he still needs to provide for you and your child.

Just imagine depending on him like this for another 20, 30, 40 and more years to come... if it doesn't give you any hope or happiness, I'll suggest seriously considering alternatives like starting to look for job, start with some side income based on things you can do. Plan for the future. All of us can be independent... so long you ask for help, there will be help. I'm sure you have relatives or family members on your side whom you can ask for assistance to find a job, and confide your situation with a friend or relative/ family that you can trust. You need someone to listen to you and share your frustration with.

Lastly, if the current psychiatrist isn't working, change a new one. Sometimes compatibility with the counsellor is also pretty important. Also seek a marriage counsellor to help salvage this relationship.
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Thank you.
With this mco going on, he seems to start realizing his mother is a real pain to live with.
TSshuhuan
post Mar 29 2020, 02:40 PM

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QUOTE(friedricetheman @ Mar 29 2020, 01:35 PM)
I was once depressed. Not wanting to do anything but just sleep in. Everyone thought I was just being lazy but no one, not even myself knew it was depression.

In order to overcome this, you need to start taking small steps to be proactive. Force yourself to learn a new skill each month.

It can be as simple as learning a new board game or signing up for that cheap introductory cooking class course at ABC cooking studio. But you need to fulfill that quota of 1 new skill per month. Even if you don’t like the new thing you are learning, force yourself to at least complete it.

When you finally learn something that interest you, expand on it. For example, you found out you really enjoy tennis, so the next step is to look for tennis groups that you can join so you can socialize and play tennis at the same time.

Remember to take small steps. Learn to do something easy first before undertaking the harder to master skills like sailing.
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Haha, I also wanted to have time to do things. I am stuck with a high demand kid. I ever thought of learn sewing but don't know to go where for sewing course. Or learn the malay language. I do want to learn useful skills that can help out my daily life, but I simply have no time and money to do it yet.
TSshuhuan
post Mar 30 2020, 11:57 AM

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I wasn't out looking but listening to what happened earlier. Husband feels ill want to claim mc. But his mother want to make use of this chance to see specialist. Btw, she been visiting many different dozen specialists from weekly to monthly basis as this is her favorite activity, definitely not because she is bodily sick. And docs have repeatedly told and confirms that she is bodily healthy. So they concludes that this behavior of abusing healthcare is part of her anxiety. And she will never ever seek mental help as she is a narcissist, imagines herself being a perfect person definitely have zero faults.

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So seems like he can feels her selfishness finally. And there is improvement that he starts denying and delaying her unnecessary demands.

She been asking him to get for her bread, bananas, eggs on daily basis while she refuse to go get it herself even though my house is next to a hypermarket. I hope she annoys him more to experience how I have been living with a selfish soul that can't be expected for any change.

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