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 Chinese wedding dowry, Give to who?

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TSComingBackSoon
post Jan 15 2020, 08:14 PM, updated 5y ago

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Hi all, I am getting married soon so have been planning the wedding for the past few months.

There is 1 thing which I need some guidance on who to give dowry (or whether you think its necessary or not). Some facts:

1) She came from broken family. Parents divorced since she was a child.

2) Never seen her mother. Now that she is an adult she has zero interest in meeting her mother.

3) Father took no part in raising her up. Father only came and reconcile with her after she reach adulthood. She still acknowledge him as a father, but doesn't really respect him.

4) She was mainly raised by grandparents. Sometimes, her aunt (i.e., sister of her father) helped chip in but it was mainly still her grandparents who raised her.

Now, AFAIK according to Chinese custom, dowry is paid to thank the person who raised the bride. However like I said earlier, her father did not raise her up at all. It was the grandparents who raised her up, but they have passed away. Next in line would be her aunt, which I have consulted once and she refused to accept any dowry, simply saying its not necessary.

Some elder people I have consulted including my parents say the aunt is just being polite to refuse the first round, and I should still pay a small amount as a token to respect tradition, but would it be good for me to insist? Is the aunt really just being polite?

I would like to follow custom/tradition as closely as possible. Anyone here who is familiar with Chinese custom/tradition can advise what I should be doing?

This post has been edited by ComingBackSoon: Jan 15 2020, 08:17 PM
Lyu
post Jan 15 2020, 08:46 PM

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Yes. U at least show some token or invite her to sit down during hidang Teh session

This post has been edited by Lyu: Jan 15 2020, 08:47 PM
hksgmy
post Jan 15 2020, 09:27 PM

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QUOTE(ComingBackSoon @ Jan 15 2020, 08:14 PM)
Hi all, I am getting married soon so have been planning the wedding for the past few months.

There is 1 thing which I need some guidance on who to give dowry (or whether you think its necessary or not). Some facts:

1) She came from broken family. Parents divorced since she was a child.

2) Never seen her mother. Now that she is an adult she has zero interest in meeting her mother.

3) Father took no part in raising her up. Father only came and reconcile with her after she reach adulthood. She still acknowledge him as a father, but doesn't really respect him.

4) She was mainly raised by grandparents. Sometimes, her aunt (i.e., sister of her father) helped chip in but it was mainly still her grandparents who raised her.

Now, AFAIK according to Chinese custom, dowry is paid to thank the person who raised the bride. However like I said earlier, her father did not raise her up at all. It was the grandparents who raised her up, but they have passed away. Next in line would be her aunt, which I have consulted once and she refused to accept any dowry, simply saying its not necessary.

Some elder people I have consulted including my parents say the aunt is just being polite to refuse the first round, and I should still pay a small amount as a token to respect tradition, but would it be good for me to insist? Is the aunt really just being polite?

I would like to follow custom/tradition as closely as possible. Anyone here who is familiar with Chinese custom/tradition can advise what I should be doing?
*
May I take this opportunity and congratulate you and yours 🍾🎈 on the coming wedding.

Your better half has a very, uncannily, eerily similar backstory as my niece, who’s also getting married soon. I hope you’re not my future nephew in law posting this on serious kopitiam... but if you are, then welcome in advance to the family, my niece couldn’t have picked a better man and thanks in advance for the Lego UCS Batmobile that you bought for me.

Ok, kidding aside, it’s admirable that you wish to observe the cultural rites and pay the appropriate respect to your spouse to be’s side - the significance of the dowry is the gratitude it’s suppose to symbolize, a token of your thanks to her side of the family, for having brought her up to be the fine young lady that she is today.

Matters as these are best decided upon by the elders - in your case your parents and your wife’s aunt. Perhaps it’s best your wife to be speaks to her aunt and say what’s in her heart; something akin to what my niece said to my wife that forever endeared her aunt to her: “ 阿姨,您从我小孩就疼爱我,教导我,给我感觉家庭的温暖。您是我的母亲。”

Translated: “Auntie, since I was a child, I’ve only ever known love, guidance and the warmth of a family from you. You are to me, a mother”

And then that would legitimize your aunt’s acceptance of the dowry.

Good luck, and congratulations once again.

PS. for the sake of clarity, my niece and future nephew in law are doing away with any semblance of a traditional Chinese wedding/ceremony - so there’s no dowry discussed, or any to be paid.




TSComingBackSoon
post Jan 16 2020, 09:19 AM

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QUOTE(hksgmy @ Jan 15 2020, 09:27 PM)
May I take this opportunity and congratulate you and yours 🍾🎈 on the coming wedding.

Your better half has a very, uncannily, eerily similar backstory as my niece, who’s also getting married soon. I hope you’re not my future nephew in law posting this on serious kopitiam... but if you are, then welcome in advance to the family, my niece couldn’t have picked a better man and thanks in advance for the Lego UCS Batmobile that you bought for me.

Ok, kidding aside, it’s admirable that you wish to observe the cultural rites and pay the appropriate respect to your spouse to be’s side - the significance of the dowry is the gratitude it’s suppose to symbolize, a token of your thanks to her side of the family, for having brought her up to be the fine young lady that she is today.

Matters as these are best decided upon by the elders - in your case your parents and your wife’s aunt. Perhaps it’s best your wife to be speaks to her aunt and say what’s in her heart; something akin to what my niece said to my wife that forever endeared her aunt to her: “ 阿姨,您从我小孩就疼爱我,教导我,给我感觉家庭的温暖。您是我的母亲。”

Translated: “Auntie, since I was a child, I’ve only ever known love, guidance and the warmth of a family from you. You are to me, a mother”

And then that would legitimize your aunt’s acceptance of the dowry.

Good luck, and congratulations once again.

PS. for the sake of clarity, my niece and future nephew in law are doing away with any semblance of a traditional Chinese wedding/ceremony - so there’s no dowry discussed, or any to be paid.
*
Haha I read your thread too.

Thanks for the idea, will let her try speak to her aunt this coming CNY.
V429
post Jan 16 2020, 11:01 AM

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Mind if I ask what is your fiancé's opinion on this? Like whom does she feels the dowry should be presented to?

I had come across a somewhat similar situation, the bride's uncle and aunt's discussed among themselves (grandparents already passed away at that point), in the end the dowry (along with the other stuff like biscuits, oranges, etc) was given to one of the closer aunt with other aunt and uncle also being present.

The aunts and uncle then discuss & decided to use the dowry to cover some of bride side wedding cost. In a way the dowry was sorta like given to bride side family (her aunts & uncles) instead of given to a specific person, if you get what I mean.

This post has been edited by V429: Jan 16 2020, 11:20 AM
PrincZe
post Jan 16 2020, 01:43 PM

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ask fiance whom does this money should pass on. most likely her aunt, let her aunt decide how to use this on her wedding.

btw, her parents wont be invited to the wedding?
TSComingBackSoon
post Jan 16 2020, 04:39 PM

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QUOTE(V429 @ Jan 16 2020, 11:01 AM)
Mind if I ask what is your fiancé's opinion on this? Like whom does she feels the dowry should be presented to?

I had come across a somewhat similar situation, the bride's uncle and aunt's discussed among themselves (grandparents already passed away at that point), in the end the dowry (along with the other stuff like biscuits, oranges, etc) was given to one of the closer aunt with other aunt and uncle also being present.

The aunts and uncle then discuss & decided to use the dowry to cover some of bride side wedding cost. In a way the dowry was sorta like given to bride side family (her aunts & uncles) instead of given to a specific person, if you get what I mean.
*
In her eyes, her father figure and mother figure were her grandparents. The only other person she feel is entitled to "give her away" is her aunt, who has refused the honour on our first meeting.



QUOTE(PrincZe @ Jan 16 2020, 01:43 PM)
ask fiance whom does this money should pass on. most likely her aunt, let her aunt decide how to use this on her wedding.

btw, her parents wont be invited to the wedding?
*
Father will be invited. But not the mother as she has not seen her mother since a child. She won't even be able to recognise if she saw her mother on the street. To her the mother is non-existent.
Avangelice
post Jan 16 2020, 05:21 PM

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QUOTE(ComingBackSoon @ Jan 15 2020, 08:14 PM)
Hi all, I am getting married soon so have been planning the wedding for the past few months.

There is 1 thing which I need some guidance on who to give dowry (or whether you think its necessary or not). Some facts:

1) She came from broken family. Parents divorced since she was a child.

2) Never seen her mother. Now that she is an adult she has zero interest in meeting her mother.

3) Father took no part in raising her up. Father only came and reconcile with her after she reach adulthood. She still acknowledge him as a father, but doesn't really respect him.

4) She was mainly raised by grandparents. Sometimes, her aunt (i.e., sister of her father) helped chip in but it was mainly still her grandparents who raised her.

Now, AFAIK according to Chinese custom, dowry is paid to thank the person who raised the bride. However like I said earlier, her father did not raise her up at all. It was the grandparents who raised her up, but they have passed away. Next in line would be her aunt, which I have consulted once and she refused to accept any dowry, simply saying its not necessary.

Some elder people I have consulted including my parents say the aunt is just being polite to refuse the first round, and I should still pay a small amount as a token to respect tradition, but would it be good for me to insist? Is the aunt really just being polite?

I would like to follow custom/tradition as closely as possible. Anyone here who is familiar with Chinese custom/tradition can advise what I should be doing?
*
As a groom you shouldn't care about it. It's up to her guardians/parents to be asking from you but since they have all passed on, lost contact and etc then leave it as it is.

For your info my father in law didn't ask any dowry from me. He just asked for tables and I was instructed to give 12 oranges and one small ang pau.

That's all
veera.offl
post Jan 16 2020, 05:26 PM

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don't follow the culture... this misleading future gen!
V429
post Jan 16 2020, 05:35 PM

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QUOTE(ComingBackSoon @ Jan 16 2020, 04:39 PM)
In her eyes, her father figure and mother figure were her grandparents. The only other person she feel is entitled to "give her away" is her aunt, who has refused the honour on our first meeting.
*
I would suggest you to have your fiancee decided to whom the dowry should be presented to (most probably grandparents or aunt), or even better if your fiancée discuss together with her grandparents and aunt and make a decision together so everybody is on the same page.

This post has been edited by V429: Jan 16 2020, 05:36 PM
PrincZe
post Jan 16 2020, 05:51 PM

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QUOTE(ComingBackSoon @ Jan 16 2020, 04:39 PM)
In her eyes, her father figure and mother figure were her grandparents. The only other person she feel is entitled to "give her away" is her aunt, who has refused the honour on our first meeting.


Father will be invited. But not the mother as she has not seen her mother since a child. She won't even be able to recognise if she saw her mother on the street. To her the mother is non-existent.
*
got father and invited, of course so hard to be the one giving away la. the aunt is dad side or mum side
TSComingBackSoon
post Jan 16 2020, 06:21 PM

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QUOTE(V429 @ Jan 16 2020, 05:35 PM)
I would suggest you to have your fiancee decided to whom the dowry should be presented to (most probably grandparents or aunt), or even better if your fiancée discuss together with her grandparents and aunt and make a decision together so everybody is on the same page.
*
Grandparents passed away already.


QUOTE(PrincZe @ Jan 16 2020, 05:51 PM)
got father and invited, of course so hard to be the one giving away la. the aunt is dad side or mum side
*
You are right. It is not that straightforward.

Fiancee is extremely adamant that her father does not give her away because he never took part in raising her. Aunt probably refused because like you said, need to give face to father (i.e., her brother). However the father does acknowledge that he never take care of his daughter, and accepts that he will not assume the typical father role in our wedding. All he wants is to be there to witness her wedding, which my fiancee is fine.

Seems like they really need to talk as a family to resolve this. Someone has to compromise.



QUOTE(Avangelice @ Jan 16 2020, 05:21 PM)
As a groom you shouldn't care about it. It's up to her guardians/parents to be asking from you but since they have all passed on, lost contact and etc then leave it as it is.

For your info my father in law didn't ask any dowry from me. He just asked for tables and I was instructed to give 12 oranges and one small ang pau.

That's all
*
Ok I understand. I'm asking here because this has been dragging on for the past few months. Decision needs to be made because the wedding day has been fixed.

PrincZe
post Jan 16 2020, 06:27 PM

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QUOTE(ComingBackSoon @ Jan 16 2020, 06:21 PM)
Grandparents passed away already.
You are right. It is not that straightforward.

Fiancee is extremely adamant that her father does not give her away because he never took part in raising her. Aunt probably refused because like you said, need to give face to father (i.e., her brother). However the father does acknowledge that he never take care of his daughter, and accepts that he will not assume the typical father role in our wedding. All he wants is to be there to witness her wedding, which my fiancee is fine.

Seems like they really need to talk as a family to resolve this. Someone has to compromise.
Ok I understand. I'm asking here because this has been dragging on for the past few months. Decision needs to be made because the wedding day has been fixed.
*
Yes, find time for everyone to gather together. Finish it off with a meal. Or just a gathering at your house.
Avangelice
post Jan 16 2020, 08:27 PM

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QUOTE(ComingBackSoon @ Jan 16 2020, 06:21 PM)
Grandparents passed away already.
You are right. It is not that straightforward.

Fiancee is extremely adamant that her father does not give her away because he never took part in raising her. Aunt probably refused because like you said, need to give face to father (i.e., her brother). However the father does acknowledge that he never take care of his daughter, and accepts that he will not assume the typical father role in our wedding. All he wants is to be there to witness her wedding, which my fiancee is fine.

Seems like they really need to talk as a family to resolve this. Someone has to compromise.
Ok I understand. I'm asking here because this has been dragging on for the past few months. Decision needs to be made because the wedding day has been fixed.
*
Honestly bro, you shouldn't be worried about this. Its not your perogative to be asking about who to give or why no one is asking. It's supposed to be your Mrs who's suppose to advice you. If no dowry has been asked then so be it. Focus on making your wedding a memorable one
hksgmy
post Jan 16 2020, 09:06 PM

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QUOTE(ComingBackSoon @ Jan 16 2020, 06:21 PM)
Grandparents passed away already.
You are right. It is not that straightforward.

Fiancee is extremely adamant that her father does not give her away because he never took part in raising her. Aunt probably refused because like you said, need to give face to father (i.e., her brother). However the father does acknowledge that he never take care of his daughter, and accepts that he will not assume the typical father role in our wedding. All he wants is to be there to witness her wedding, which my fiancee is fine.

Seems like they really need to talk as a family to resolve this. Someone has to compromise.
Ok I understand. I'm asking here because this has been dragging on for the past few months. Decision needs to be made because the wedding day has been fixed.
*
ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE NOT MY FUTURE NEPHEW IN LAW MASQUERADING AS A /Ktard POSTING IN SECRET HERE!?

Ok, ok, jokes aside, this is so surreal, I needed to read and reread it just to make sure I’m not imagining things!

Good luck once again, best wishes for a successful and memorable wedding day - and most importantly, may the wedding be just the first of many steps in synchrony between you and yours, as both of you tread upon the path in the journey of life together.
I'm V-Kool
post Jan 16 2020, 10:07 PM

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Congratulations on your wedding.

Just give it to your WIFE and let her decide who to give or she can keep it for herself
mars2003
post Jan 17 2020, 12:05 AM

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QUOTE(ComingBackSoon @ Jan 15 2020, 08:14 PM)
Hi all, I am getting married soon so have been planning the wedding for the past few months.

There is 1 thing which I need some guidance on who to give dowry (or whether you think its necessary or not). Some facts:

1) She came from broken family. Parents divorced since she was a child.

2) Never seen her mother. Now that she is an adult she has zero interest in meeting her mother.

3) Father took no part in raising her up. Father only came and reconcile with her after she reach adulthood. She still acknowledge him as a father, but doesn't really respect him.

4) She was mainly raised by grandparents. Sometimes, her aunt (i.e., sister of her father) helped chip in but it was mainly still her grandparents who raised her.

Now, AFAIK according to Chinese custom, dowry is paid to thank the person who raised the bride. However like I said earlier, her father did not raise her up at all. It was the grandparents who raised her up, but they have passed away. Next in line would be her aunt, which I have consulted once and she refused to accept any dowry, simply saying its not necessary.

Some elder people I have consulted including my parents say the aunt is just being polite to refuse the first round, and I should still pay a small amount as a token to respect tradition, but would it be good for me to insist? Is the aunt really just being polite?

I would like to follow custom/tradition as closely as possible. Anyone here who is familiar with Chinese custom/tradition can advise what I should be doing?
*
split what ever you intend to pay as downry to half and give the grandparents and aunt.grandparent get as downry. aunt as angpao.
mars2003
post Jan 17 2020, 12:05 AM

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QUOTE(ComingBackSoon @ Jan 15 2020, 08:14 PM)
Hi all, I am getting married soon so have been planning the wedding for the past few months.

There is 1 thing which I need some guidance on who to give dowry (or whether you think its necessary or not). Some facts:

1) She came from broken family. Parents divorced since she was a child.

2) Never seen her mother. Now that she is an adult she has zero interest in meeting her mother.

3) Father took no part in raising her up. Father only came and reconcile with her after she reach adulthood. She still acknowledge him as a father, but doesn't really respect him.

4) She was mainly raised by grandparents. Sometimes, her aunt (i.e., sister of her father) helped chip in but it was mainly still her grandparents who raised her.

Now, AFAIK according to Chinese custom, dowry is paid to thank the person who raised the bride. However like I said earlier, her father did not raise her up at all. It was the grandparents who raised her up, but they have passed away. Next in line would be her aunt, which I have consulted once and she refused to accept any dowry, simply saying its not necessary.

Some elder people I have consulted including my parents say the aunt is just being polite to refuse the first round, and I should still pay a small amount as a token to respect tradition, but would it be good for me to insist? Is the aunt really just being polite?

I would like to follow custom/tradition as closely as possible. Anyone here who is familiar with Chinese custom/tradition can advise what I should be doing?
*
split what ever you intend to pay as downry to half and give the grandparents and aunt.grandparent get as downry. aunt as angpao.
ladytarot99
post Jan 17 2020, 05:10 AM

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Good Luck TS! 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

This post has been edited by ladytarot99: Jan 17 2020, 11:37 AM
kons
post Jan 17 2020, 09:56 AM

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during wedding preplanning there must one session of dowry discussion between you, your parents, her side (she and her grandparents/relatives/parents), whoever made the decision during then will get the dowry.

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