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Serious Advise for those who haven't or going to marry.

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Claudine
post Jun 15 2018, 08:53 PM

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QUOTE(Ash muhammad 28 @ Jun 13 2018, 12:46 PM)
Im not married but i can understand the situation, my ex too wanted to migrate out from here. and I said no. although the reason is not due to my friends. but migrating is such  a big step to be taken that it's not easy to make. One of the reason me and my ex parted ways was because of this. And guess what after 3 freaking years she has yet to migrate to another country. And Im here happy where I am with a stable job, already have a home and Im a happy single person now.

So would I been happy if i followed my ex and migrated overses? would it be the right move? i dont know. But i would miss my current life here. u mentioned he is a successful man  and u are pursing a dream career hence I dont see the reason to migrate right? My parents actually migrated when I was small and I stayed in another country for 11 years. All I can say was it was difficult for me there and more difficult for me here Difficult there cause I was different and could not fit in. I dont have childhood friends who i can meet up nor school friends now in Malaysia as all of them I made in another country. Hence I dont want my kids (if i do have) to not have to go through what I went through.

My advise don't get hurt la if your bf dont want to migrate, maybe its best for both of you both not to. see the cons too please.
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It will be very selfish of me to force him. Just kinda hurts when he put his friends in the list 1st.
I'm who I am to compare? His friends are with him since they are very young. There is no way I would ask him friends or me.
About my dream career, its abit hard to succeed over here. I am into art field. Companies see us as workers rather than an individual who create. I did as much research as I can and surveys with lecturers. Indeed, they do encourage me getting out from here if I want to go big.
Giving up my career for him is like him giving me up for his friends.
Claudine
post Jun 15 2018, 08:55 PM

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QUOTE(Blofeld @ Jun 14 2018, 11:27 PM)
He's not a risk taker.

And as you said, he's already successful why would he want to risk himself taking another path.
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Yea, at some point I do understand why he ain't gonna move out with me. Still hurts he put his friends 1st tho.
Claudine
post Jun 15 2018, 09:03 PM

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QUOTE(RUI @ Jun 15 2018, 02:42 AM)
My always tell my sister that choose a man by how he treats his mum. And if you like how he treats his mumaery him. That advice worked pretty well.

If u wanna truly learn about a person, observe him/her in their most natural form.
I’m 30...I worked hard. I am where I wanna be.
Living tomorrow like yesterday is my ultimate success and why would I wrecked all that?

How long hv u known him? How would migrating equates better opportunity?

P.S. it’s best to find someone to grow together when both are most malleable. But once either has fixated on a path at certain age, that’s not that easy to give up. There is a reason why adults writes with pen. Adults can’t afford that many f*cked up.
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Hi Rui,

His family is abit chaotic, observe them is a nut scene lol. Yea, I do understand he got everything he wanted over here. Thinking twice, i might be a selfish person too. But I do love him. And of course everything I did, I have him in my mind. The path I choose, is the path that I couldn't succeed by stay in Msia. I'm into art field. Msia don't view artist and art as a career and work.
I do survey and gather as much detail before i decided to get myself out from here. And indeed every seniors in this field encourage me to get out. Its the only risk i willing to take. And I am not young anymore.
Claudine
post Jun 15 2018, 09:05 PM

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QUOTE(wargreymon12 @ Jun 15 2018, 10:04 AM)
Dont give up your dream job/life for a partner..

I learnt that the hard way
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What if both balances you? I'm torn by these two. But if really i should choose, I think I will choose my dream job.

Please tell me more about yourself.
wargreymon12
post Jun 16 2018, 12:59 PM

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QUOTE(Claudine @ Jun 15 2018, 09:05 PM)
What if both balances you? I'm torn by these two. But if really i should choose, I think I will choose my dream job.

Please tell me more about yourself.
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It's very complicated, and I don't really want to reveal too much.

But in summary, I realized that I was willing to sacrifice alot to be with her, but she was not willing to do even remotely the same for me.. and now I have to live with it.

I picked her, she picked her career and family, but somehow, I was still expected to pay for everything, etc..i had to support her, while sacrificing my career.. and when she had climbed the ladder, she left me behind, both relationship wise and financially.

It's a spin on the old tale where a wife gives up her career and stays home to take care of the kids, and hubby gets rich then finds a younger mistress.

Basically... i sort of think both of you should pick career, or otherwise come to a strong agreement that.. if someone is going to make sacrifices, they will be appreciated and compensated for it.
wargreymon12
post Jun 16 2018, 01:04 PM

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QUOTE(Claudine @ Jun 15 2018, 09:03 PM)
Hi Rui,

His family is abit chaotic, observe them is a nut scene lol. Yea, I do understand he got everything he wanted over here. Thinking twice, i might be a selfish person too. But I do love him. And of course everything I did, I have him in my mind. The path I choose, is the path that I couldn't succeed by stay in Msia. I'm into art field. Msia don't view artist and art as a career and work.
I do survey and gather as much detail before i decided to get myself out from here. And indeed every seniors in this field encourage me to get out. Its the only risk i willing to take. And I am not young anymore.
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Lol. It's ironic.

For my situation, i actually want to go to singapore or malaysia to work, but they dont even recognize my qualifications.

Im actually stuck overseas, and i miss msia

johnmayer
post Jun 16 2018, 11:28 PM

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1. Always check how your spouse treating/talk their parents. and check with the reality.

My SO is polite, behaved and helpful. I acknowledge it, but am I happy? Not all the time.

2. How your spouse handle a conflict/disagreement with her family, colleague or friends.

My SO handles it well. Most of the time, via diplomacy and compromise. Am I happy to see such? Not really.

3. How she listen to someone she trust and from her inner circle (family / spouse)

My SO listens well and judges to ensure it's a fair decision or words. Am I happy with it? At times. I don't know.

The questions don't seem to assist me. Maybe I'm depressed, maybe I just don't know how to appreciate someone great.

T-927
post Nov 1 2018, 02:03 AM

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QUOTE
2. Her parents (dad & mom) did not talk with each other for almost 7 years. and yet they are still living together in the same house but different room.


Can tell that ur ex wife is a very emotional type of person since the beginning and being brought up in a no so good family environment.
Child from broken family usually has very low self esteem, seeing a lot of things with negativity but outside we still put up our "all iz fine" look. (maybe its our way of consoling our self)

If she is cheerful and happy person before marriage and her personality changed after marriage. It might caused by she is trying hard to do her best for a wife's role ( giving birth and such). But, she just dont have the clue about it when she brought up in a not ideal family. and this frustrates her to be more emotional.

QUOTE
She felt hurt by someone (best friend and also ex colleague) who talked bad about her behind her back, and no matter how many times that person say sorry and wish to meet her and fix things up, she will avoid it. and she expect the surrounding inner circle also to treat her the same.


- usually this kind of person give their best (at least they think they are) but in the end got betrayed. They usually tries to avoid from getting hurt again. all thanks to all the mental abuse exp from family since young. Forgiveness was not taught in this kind of family. Loving kindness is what they have lack.

After getting few miscarriages + sounding from your mum, she is definitely in more depress than ever. she will even start to doubt themselves for the words uttered by your mum and she will scare that ppl around her will doubt her especially her own husband ( devil.gif devil always tell stories in our mind for things that not yet even happen to affect our damn mood lol) devil.gif

Your daughter is still very young and your divorce will also affect her growing up. & she might grow up and become like her mother too (depress and low self esteem etc). I think you should go back to her slowly like how you start wooing her during those lovey dovey times. If can't be husband, keep the relationship as a good friend that give her supports & advice tho sometimes it might not be taken and quarrel about it. More loving kindness is what she really need from this world.

Do a loving-kindness prayer to her and your daughter after your solats. Talk to Allah, Wish them free from enmity & dangers, blessed with happiness and able to takecare of oneself easily. This power of loving-kindness will surely help bit by bit if you are sincere enough in your wish. When loving kindness take place, all the grudges, hate will go off. They can't co-exist at the same time.

This is just my opinion, sorry if offended

This post has been edited by T-927: Nov 1 2018, 02:10 AM
tutuyao
post Nov 3 2018, 10:29 AM

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After I got cheated by my gf, I learned something too.

And yes TS, you're right.

We should always look at the way she treat her parents, the way she handles our conflict, etc.

And from this lesson, I learn not to love too much, dive too deep until I truly know her. I fall too hard, it is very hard for me to pick myself up.

And throughout this relationship, I have lost most of my friends. Plus I'm working overseas, there's only 1 friend that I can meet.

This has become a very difficult task for me to overcome this stage, to move on.

I force myself to stay positive everyday but whenever I sleep, whenever I wake up, the feeling kicks in and it hurts me. Not as bad as before but, it still hurts me.

So now, I go out, sit at coffee place, alone. Keep myself busy, focus on other things than stomping the ground asking God why?

She hurts me a lot. I caught her cheated for many times. I lost my man's dignity and pride. Because I let her felt like I can't live without her. That puts power into her mind, letting her to think that she can continue to fool me.

After many talk with my friends and family, I finally wake up. I learn to stop giving her power over me and take that away from her.

She needs me more than I need her. I take care of her family, take care of her mom, fetch her to hospitals for regular checkups, bring them travel and pay for all the expenses. I helped her with her business, set it up for her, fund her financially, grow her so much, until she achieved this small success. But she didn't realise that. Fine. Let her run the business herself then.

To guys out there, don't beg. I used to be weak, used to think that I can't live without her.

Trust me, a cheater is always a cheater. It's just like thief. Do thief feel remorse or regret after stealing things from you? No. So why you want to think that she will regret her actions and come back to you?

As my sister said: 一次不忠,百次不用.

She left you because she can't find the "feeling" that both of you used to have. Now she found it with someone else. So she left you, cheated on you, sleep with other guys.

Even she comes back, it's not because the "feeling" is back. There are some other "value" in you that they want. In my case, it's business that I'm helping her with.

So, don't let her think that she can manipulate your feeling just because she tells you that she still loves you.

Fuck that bitch! I'm moving on! I will be more successful without her.

Time for me to start looking for new friends, grow back my circles. Focus on my own thing, do my own business!

This post has been edited by tutuyao: Nov 3 2018, 10:33 AM
TSR4yMoNd
post Nov 19 2018, 02:29 PM

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QUOTE(tutuyao @ Nov 3 2018, 10:29 AM)
After I got cheated by my gf, I learned something too.

And yes TS, you're right.

We should always look at the way she treat her parents, the way she handles our conflict, etc.

And from this lesson, I learn not to love too much, dive too deep until I truly know her. I fall too hard, it is very hard for me to pick myself up.

And throughout this relationship, I have lost most of my friends. Plus I'm working overseas, there's only 1 friend that I can meet.

This has become a very difficult task for me to overcome this stage, to move on.

I force myself to stay positive everyday but whenever I sleep, whenever I wake up, the feeling kicks in and it hurts me. Not as bad as before but, it still hurts me.

So now, I go out, sit at coffee place, alone. Keep myself busy, focus on other things than stomping the ground asking God why?

She hurts me a lot. I caught her cheated for many times. I lost my man's dignity and pride. Because I let her felt like I can't live without her. That puts power into her mind, letting her to think that she can continue to fool me.

After many talk with my friends and family, I finally wake up. I learn to stop giving her power over me and take that away from her.

She needs me more than I need her. I take care of her family, take care of her mom, fetch her to hospitals for regular checkups, bring them travel and pay for all the expenses. I helped her with her business, set it up for her, fund her financially, grow her so much, until she achieved this small success. But she didn't realise that. Fine. Let her run the business herself then.

To guys out there, don't beg. I used to be weak, used to think that I can't live without her.

Trust me, a cheater is always a cheater. It's just like thief. Do thief feel remorse or regret after stealing things from you? No. So why you want to think that she will regret her actions and come back to you?

As my sister said: 一次不忠,百次不用.

She left you because she can't find the "feeling" that both of you used to have. Now she found it with someone else. So she left you, cheated on you, sleep with other guys.

Even she comes back, it's not because the "feeling" is back. There are some other "value" in you that they want. In my case, it's business that I'm helping her with.

So, don't let her think that she can manipulate your feeling just because she tells you that she still loves you.

Fuck that bitch! I'm moving on! I will be more successful without her.

Time for me to start looking for new friends, grow back my circles. Focus on my own thing, do my own business!
*
Good One Bro!! very inspiring and also we can learn from you. Thanks for sharing with us
SheepGeeks
post Nov 19 2018, 04:19 PM

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I hope TS could get someone better in the future and live better than ever..

Anyway, there is 1 term which I believe applies to both girl & guy.

To prove a girl truly loves the guy, is when the girl able to accept the guy is poor shit and got no benefit to the girl.
To prove a guy truly loves the girl, is when the guy rich or wealthy enough to gain other girls attention but still loyal to the girl.

I am one of the example, me and my wife started during sec school. She funded my uni fees with all her hard saved pocket money. As a loyal and her loving husband, I'm paying all the household expenses and installment. All my income is fully handled by her as well.

My advice to those single guy who had certain income, just stay humble. Keep away from luxurious goods and lifestyle. You'll need the right women in your life (mom & wife) to be successful.
Financier
post Nov 20 2018, 02:09 PM

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QUOTE(SheepGeeks @ Nov 19 2018, 04:19 PM)
I hope TS could get someone better in the future and live better than ever..

Anyway, there is 1 term which I believe applies to both girl & guy.

To prove a girl truly loves the guy, is when the girl able to accept the guy is poor shit and got no benefit to the girl.
To prove a guy truly loves the girl, is when the guy rich or wealthy enough to gain other girls attention but still loyal to the girl.

I am one of the example, me and my wife started during sec school. She funded my uni fees with all her hard saved pocket money. As a loyal and her loving husband, I'm paying all the household expenses and installment. All my income is fully handled by her as well.

My advice to those single guy who had certain income, just stay humble. Keep away from luxurious goods and lifestyle. You'll need the right women in your life (mom & wife) to be successful.
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God bless! Amen to that my friend. Seem like you hit the jackpot.
RUI
post Nov 20 2018, 10:28 PM

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QUOTE(tutuyao @ Nov 3 2018, 10:29 AM)
After I got cheated by my gf, I learned something too.

And yes TS, you're right.

We should always look at the way she treat her parents, the way she handles our conflict, etc.

And from this lesson, I learn not to love too much, dive too deep until I truly know her. I fall too hard, it is very hard for me to pick myself up.

And throughout this relationship, I have lost most of my friends. Plus I'm working overseas, there's only 1 friend that I can meet.

This has become a very difficult task for me to overcome this stage, to move on.

I force myself to stay positive everyday but whenever I sleep, whenever I wake up, the feeling kicks in and it hurts me. Not as bad as before but, it still hurts me.

So now, I go out, sit at coffee place, alone. Keep myself busy, focus on other things than stomping the ground asking God why?

She hurts me a lot. I caught her cheated for many times. I lost my man's dignity and pride. Because I let her felt like I can't live without her. That puts power into her mind, letting her to think that she can continue to fool me.

After many talk with my friends and family, I finally wake up. I learn to stop giving her power over me and take that away from her.

She needs me more than I need her. I take care of her family, take care of her mom, fetch her to hospitals for regular checkups, bring them travel and pay for all the expenses. I helped her with her business, set it up for her, fund her financially, grow her so much, until she achieved this small success. But she didn't realise that. Fine. Let her run the business herself then.

To guys out there, don't beg. I used to be weak, used to think that I can't live without her.

Trust me, a cheater is always a cheater. It's just like thief. Do thief feel remorse or regret after stealing things from you? No. So why you want to think that she will regret her actions and come back to you?

As my sister said: 一次不忠,百次不用.

She left you because she can't find the "feeling" that both of you used to have. Now she found it with someone else. So she left you, cheated on you, sleep with other guys.

Even she comes back, it's not because the "feeling" is back. There are some other "value" in you that they want. In my case, it's business that I'm helping her with.

So, don't let her think that she can manipulate your feeling just because she tells you that she still loves you.

Fuck that bitch! I'm moving on! I will be more successful without her.

Time for me to start looking for new friends, grow back my circles. Focus on my own thing, do my own business!
*
I think love is like trust. It's either you trust or you don't.

Because if it's not. Then u will hv scenario like you love girl A 25%, love girl B 50%, and love girl 75%. But if you are in relationship with girl A, that makes you the cheater. Period.

Another point I would like to make is....Examine this statement..."The trouble is, you think you have time.". And for you ex, she always knew she had one more time. You enabled her. Bad boys don't do that. What they do is quite the opposite. They do something like, "If you want me, you can have me. Now. Once I'm gone, I'm gone for good."

The last point is...I don't you have build something meaningful enough. Because if you do, you won't even let ur mum to cock it up for you.
Try put ur energy, focus onto something you want for the next 7-10 years. And I bet my ass u would shoot even Jesus if he dares stand in your way.

And you look back that time, you will realize people come and go. If there is anything worth keeping at all, that would be the good memories. The rest are pretty much disposable.


tutuyao
post Nov 20 2018, 11:14 PM

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QUOTE(RUI @ Nov 20 2018, 10:28 PM)
I think love is like trust. It's either you trust or you don't.

Because if it's not. Then u will hv scenario like you love girl A 25%, love girl B 50%, and love girl 75%. But if you are in relationship with girl A, that makes you the cheater. Period.

Another point I would like to make is....Examine this statement..."The trouble is, you think you have time.". And for you ex, she always knew she had one more time. You enabled her. Bad boys don't do that. What they do is quite the opposite. They do something like, "If you want me, you can have me. Now. Once I'm gone, I'm gone for good."

The last point is...I don't you have build something meaningful enough. Because if you do, you won't even let ur mum to cock it up for you.
Try put ur energy, focus onto something you want for the next 7-10 years. And I bet my ass u would shoot even Jesus if he dares stand in your way.

And you look back that time, you will realize people come and go. If there is anything worth keeping at all, that would be the good memories. The rest are pretty much disposable.
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Yeah you’re right. I enabled her to cheat.

I think I did more than what a bf should do.

And for the last point, I do agree with you. People come ad go. Nothing lasts forever, only good memories. Like I said, I forgive her, but I can’t forget.

I choose not to live in hate. From time to time, I still look back at our photos and videos, makes me laugh but that’s it. I won’t accept her again because that will reminds me the pain and scar she created. I rather be selfish and love myself more. Just let her go.
JimWayne82
post Nov 21 2018, 09:46 AM

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@ TS, read through whole thread and would like to share my point of view

Would like to share with everyone here a thing call "Postnatal depression" . Do not underestimate what depression can do to a person. Mild one, they will say something harsh, being unreasonable, hold grudges etc...on more serious note, they will be physical and suicidal. If not properly treated, depression will only get worst.

We (me and wife) had gone down similar route like TS and we are lucky to be able to detect where is wrong and seek treatment. Please for the sake of your daughter, look up how to deal/cure depression and work from there.

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