I've been into many different type of women and different type of relationship in this past 17 years since I'm dated.
So many things changes and right now I'm in the middle of divorce with my wife due to some reason and leaving my 1.5 years old daugther with her.

I'm not saying that my experience or advise will be a good example for guys out there but trust me, I would say that I understand and able to read what kind of person a women / girl by the way she talk, respond, etc.

The last one (ex wife) Is the only person who opened up my eyes that no matter what you might not see it coming. Which I though the is the most understanding, she is the one, etc. But after few months analyzing it and discuss it with my sister and I would say she is showing that symptoms and I did not see it coming, and my sis saw it but did not alert me.

you may post your questions (prefer something related with your relationship or yourself) and I will try answer it from my point of view.
Or if you want to ask about mine I will try to answer it as well, If i wanted to.

1. Always check how your spouse treating/talk their parents. and check with the reality.
2. How your spouse handle a conflict/disagreement with her family, colleague or friends.
3. How she listen to someone she trust and from her inner circle (family / spouse)
4. Few other long list to prevent further problem that you did not think it will happen to you.

Good luck!

you give those point but didnt elaborate with your stories...so what am i suppose to do or to ask?

Either you be explicit or close this thread

LOL. it's a very long story and I'm not good writer. so if anyone ask I will try to answer

I would add:
How she talks to people like the maid, the waiter, the cleaner as well.

I was once told if someone chewed with their mouths slightly open, they would not treat anyone with respect.

Also, please check if your family and mindsets are compatible. You can't be someone who is educated and a bit atas, but marry a guy from a family of rubber tappers/ labourers. Harsh, but it is the truth. I have seen this. It was the best advice my parents gave us as well.

I have a friend who dated a guy for 4 years before she married him. So many warning signs. I warned her. She still went ahead.

He verbally abused her, tormented her. She is 2 years older than him, and much more educated, had an amazing high ranked job at a big firm.

She married down a class. He was insecure. She had a miscarriage with her 2nd pregnancy and her MIL blamed her. Stupid. She took her 2 year old daughter and left after that. They're overseas now, and she's working there. Away from him and his toxic family. She is so much happier.

Should someone buy a property on ownself before getting married with the thought of finding someone to marry later and stay at the said property?

In your case what will happen to the properties you have after the divorce?

If you able to afford before marriage yes you better buy it. but if you are gonna pay the monthly installment using combined income you will have to share it with your wife, unless you pay it yourself and make a prenuptial agreement.

For me a car that i paid in full before marriage, and a house in my hometown still belongs to me. and I bought a car for her, paid in full and she took it and rent it out to her friend.

Good point! some of your point relevant to me but not entirely same. My ex wife had miscarriage twice, that is the reason I asked her to quit working or work from home as freelancer. She obtain a master degree and I'm only diploma. she accused my mother killed her baby during her pregnancy, she felt unhappy towards my family, which used to be the opposite, etc etc etc

May I ask what happened with these three points between you and your ex wife?

1. Always check how your spouse treating/talk their parents. and check with the reality.
2. How your spouse handle a conflict/disagreement with her family, colleague or friends.
3. How she listen to someone she trust and from her inner circle (family / spouse)

Because I'm planning to get married earliest next year and any kind of tips or advice would be a huge help for me

This post has been edited by iskandar94: May 7 2018, 12:39 AM

Do you mean your spouse is very rude in treating/talking to people? Including to parents?

But somehow, I can relate your point to my previous relationship where it does happen to me as well.
I wouldn't say she is totally rude to people but at first, I always tell her not to call people names and try to talk nicely to her parents.
Eventually, she did change after all.

And based on what I heard from my family, family upbringing is very important as well.
I used to not believe what they said until I really experienced it myself.
My family is very close to each other and compared to my ex, hers is not.
So she can't truly understand why my family bonding is so close.
Now, my present relationship, I wouldn't say our family upbringing is 100% the same but one thing for sure is she understand why is family bonding is important,
so at least, she won't feel weird if I talk to my mum on the phone for 1 hour plus. LOL

This post has been edited by littlealan00: May 7 2018, 10:30 AM

was the miscarriage that change everything and gradually lead to divorce?
so the change of her character, behavior or symptom are from a single grudge or there are strings of event happen in your house that your wife and your mum clash that makes her unhappy while being pregnant?

Hi bro, Happy to know your plan and I wish you all the best. Please take note that whatever I wrote her is purely opinion/advise based on personal experience and I'm not a certified professional or counsellor.
Each person have their own identity, habit attitude, etc.

1. She scolded her mom in front of my eyes until she cried and kept scolding.
Reason: Her mom arrived in KLIA, and we picking her up by waiting in the car (pick up area) without knowing it's gonna be such a long waiting time (more than 2 hours) we were hungry but hesitate to eat in KLIA2 because we worry she will get lost, and we are unable to contact her phone.
After almost 3 hour of waiting her mom come out safely with exhausted and panic expression. She waited in long queue of KLIA2 immigration without any access to local number or internet access. she unable to contact us. so when she seated in the car that is the time my ex wife started questioning her mom and scolding until she cried, and it did not stop her from scolding until I have to shut her up by raising my tone and saying enough! It's not her fault that she have to waited. her finger nail also broke because trying to peel open the phone battery cover. so stop it. everybody tired.

2. Her parents (dad & mom) did not talk with each other for almost 7 years. and yet they are still living together in the same house but different room.
When we got to know each other I talked about it with her and explain how I did not want to be in the same position and I will rather divorce if I know that we don't get along well with each other.
She is the type that will be good with whoever on her side and also keep distance with whoever disagree with her.
e.g: before we get married, her father kinda disagree, so she keep distance with her father and turn to her mom. she need my family to like her so she treat my family very good and very friendly. such a wonderful nice and sweet little sister (my elder sisters said)
She felt hurt by someone (best friend and also ex colleague) who talked bad about her behind her back, and no matter how many times that person say sorry and wish to meet her and fix things up, she will avoid it. and she expect the surrounding inner circle also to treat her the same.

3. Back in those beautiful day she will listen to me, my family, saying how grateful she is, etc. after few years she can be such ungrateful person and will always think negative towards every single little thing. Always think the opposite of what I'm thinking and make it into a very strong statement, underlined, bold.
e.g: She used to brag how she like spicy food and how she like sambal with every dishes. last weeks before our marriage ended, she scolded me because i offer her and ask her to eat a spicy mix fruits. and she scolded me by saying: You know i cant stand spicy!! I'm like WTH? Is she having mental problem or delusional?

Well that is some of my story. she might disagree with it but I'm telling the truth from my point of view.

She can be very sweet and can be very rude. depending on her mood and how she felt towards that person. I can say she is having anger management problem

be a responsible father even after divorce bro, pay alimony to support your daughter.
i kesian your daughter but not you.
dun get me wrong im not judging you for your divorce with your wife.

Could be. but I would say the miscarriage is not really a bad miscarriage.

Miscarriage 1: She use a test pack and turn out Positive result. But few weeks after that she is having her period.

Miscarriage 2: We already plan for our Europe Trip, and my mom come along (she is a single mother so I want to make her happy as well because this is gonna be the first time holiday to europe for my mom and wife. At that time I can afford to pay everything so I've paid most of it in advance.
1 week before our departure date, we found out she is pregnant and we go for a check up in hospital. The gynae said that the "kantung" is there but the fetus have yet to be seen. give it more time. Dr. said.
2 days before departure we check again and results still the same and Dr said that if anything happened during your trip, please admit to hospital. and we agreed.
Background:
The Dr handling her is the same Dr. handling her during our trial to have a baby for the past 15months. she knows that my ex very emotional person towards this issue so she will be very careful in arranging her word. I really hope the Dr telling straight to the point that It's very slim chance that it will be healthy pregnancy due to the fetus is not visible yet!

After we return from our 2 weeks trip everything still ok, until 1 week after that when she was in the toilet, she bled out the "kantung" and I rush her to hospital for observation.
She is very sad that time and I'm there to comfort her, telling her that everything is okay. however my mom quite unhappy with it and tend to talk sarcastically about her ability to have a baby. until I decided that she have to resign and rest at home.

Fast forward 6 months after that she pregnant.

Unhappy, grudge, etc is normal.
I understand my mom is the one who raised me and want the best for his only son.
I understand my wife unhappy knowing that sometimes I'm not on her side, because If my mom is wrong i will tell my mom is wrong and if my wife is wrong, she wont accept it coz no matter what as a husband i should treat her as partner and on her side. (she did mention that to me)

probably should get a second opinion if unsure about the fetus. they could get emotional to agitated when it comes to miscarriage. furthermore your mum triggers and agitate her, and you are in the middle of both tigers.
but then shouldn't have ask to choose whose the priority as its kind of selfish and immature. she did told you but you chose to ignore her because you wanted to see if she would change for you and for the sake of family? turns out that she didn't budge at all right? yang mengalah always is you.
ever since she had miscarriage, everyone but her is the enemy. temperamental over small issue. she choose to close her heart in, you can't do much either. move on.

LOL.. yes i trf RM 1500/mth for a 1.5year old baby. on top of that i pay her educational insurance and also pay extra few hundred allowance for her clothing every 2-3 months.
In return for that. I did not get any update from my daughter growing up process, no pic, no video call.

Yes, but she insist to hear only what she want. when i reminded her, she will say that I am delusional and ask me go to doctor.
She even tell my whole family sick and delusional and we need to go to doctor (in front of both of my sis and also my mom)

hence divorce might be a good call since she is not sound of mind. and especially if both of you has kid, it could affect the kid as well.

To be Honest I can't stop thinking about my daughter, but slowly i divert my mind by wishing and praying the best for her also her happiness.
In the end what we are looking for in a marriage is happiness. and I feel that I deserve that happiness.

Thanks for your opinion and wisdom

good for you bro!
but its sad your not updated on her welfare.

Why does this sound like me? Lol. I do not have a really good relationship with my family. But not as serious as your ex-wife I guess. I have questions not that related to your first post I guess.. just want some 3rd party opinion.

So I have a boyfriend, been together for almost 6 years. We are currently in a long distance relationship for 3 years, sometimes I would go to west malaysia to meet with him. I'm hoping to migrate to west malaysia in the coming years.

Actually, my parents still didn't know that we are in a relationship as my parents wouldn't allow it. They prefer to choose a rich partner for me. My boyfriend is a grab driver, doesn't like office work. I'm not sure how to introduce my boyfriend to my family.. as he is not rich. He is living with his grandmother. He bought a car not long ago. We have no plans yet. How can I convince my parents about this? And I am not sure about making plans with my bf together as sometimes I have doubts myself. (If he is serious in this relationship or not)

How did you make plans with your ex-wife? Or did you plan everything yourself?

Yes, but good news she sent me a picture and short video after i request for it through Line msgr. but she replied like a day after.

6 Years is a long time I'm, amaze both of you can handle a 3 years long distance relationship quite well.
1. You should be open to your parents no matter what is the consequences. Many parents will of course prefer their kids to marry someone with financial freedom (not necessarily rich) free to buy house, buy car, buy anything you want (JK) But I can't blame them for that. most people including myself will need security or assurance. but some people will be assured after get to know the person in real life.
The reason why my ex father doesnt agree with our relationship is because we are not the same religion and she has to convert to my religion (I'm a Muslim) but I still do respect his father, ask for his blessing even he disagree, go to his house, talk nicely, bring my family to her house and meet with her father and also grand mother.
His father didnot attend our wedding ceremonial and wedding party. He refused, but her grandma attend. and she fully embrace me to be part of their family. I let my her go to visit her family to celebrate Christmas even though I'm not joining and her father appreciate that and slowly began to embrace me as well, and even gave me a watch as late wedding gift.
The point is: As long as your partner able to convince your family that he is a responsible person, hard working, and also will ensure that you will live happy and good life. The point of view will slowly change and financial will be secondary.
My family is not rich. My dad passed away since 1999 when i was in high school. My siblings much more richer than me. In fact I am nothing to compare to them, but that doesnt mean I will take advantage or burden them with my problem especially financial issue. But if they offer some help and yes I will gladly accept.
Convincing a parents will take time. But genuine feeling will be very appreciated and last longer. the attachment of mother and their children are very strong. U might be able to hide it, but somehow a parent will notice it but doesnt want to kepo only.

2. You have no plans yet. In my honest opinion, for a 6 years relationship that is quite dangerous for both of you.
- You will get older and when a female get older the chance and risk for pregnancy getting higher. at the same time the risk of being able to support your kids to go through higher education will be very limited.
- You will get comfortable of the existing situation until you feel that It's okey to let it flow. But is this really what you and your partner want?
- Denial of start talking about the future perhaps because u aware that he might not have enough saving or working towards the future that is why you didnt even bother or maybe hesitate to discuss about it. But you should start and see what is his reaction and his opinion about the relationship you are guys having.
- Sometimes I do feel that Marriage is just a status, in fact someone can be much more happier without even need to get married. But my understanding is leaning towards having a person that I am very comfortable to be on my side and also someone who can accept me for what I am. obviously my partner will expect the same. Second is to have a children and bring joy, happiness and share the best we can to the inner circle we have in this world.

My planning very simple. perhaps thats imple become a boomerang to my relationship.
I had enough of Years of BF/GF which ended up nowhere. I had enough of all the fake and expectation that a girl put towards me.
Suddenly i met this girl (Long lost hi bye friend) who I suddenly felt that she is the one because she is so understanding and able to accept for who I am, how is my family, and a very positive, happy, energetic person.
That time she has no savings, in fact I am the one who gave her a job in the company I work for.
and I have very little savings due to decent commitment I need to pay for mom allowance, mom's car installment, etc etc.

I ended up with finding extra side job here and there, and thankfully my sister able to get a good side job for me and enough to cover 3/4 of my wedding expenses.
She plans what she need to plan, and I come out with the money.
I spent total around RM 60K for wedding in her hometown and also in Malaysia. and I got back RM 3K for angpow and we use it to buy a huge 4 doors fridge! hahahaha.
My money back to 0, but I'm happy because sometimes life is simple. our expectation is the one that make it complicated.

The key point:
- Sincerity: You and your partner need to be sincere, good faith, i called it ketulusan hati.
- Communication: With partner, parents and in law (communicate it in a good way and positive tone)
- Treat people like how you want to be treated
- Be yourself and don't be hypocrite. I can say my ex wife is a hypocrite or have some mental issue. it's like the opposite of the person I know.
- Responsible: For husband to provide basic family necessity (housing, foods, some entertainment, clothing, pay bills) and also trust, love and attention moderately
If your BF doesn't like office work and prefer to be a Grab driver it is fine, as long as that occupation he is taking it seriously, he able to earn more than office job, etc also enough to cover the basic like what I have mentioned above.
But if the actual real reason for him to prefer Grab than office ls because he is not qualify, low self esteem, then you should becareful. Because he is just lying about his inability and boost himself up to pretend as if Grab is his choice instead of his inability to secure a decent job. However it is still good that he work his way to meet his end month meet.

Talking about end month meet also leading to another different problem.
1. What happen if he fall sick and unable to GRAB
2. What happen if car involve in accident and he unable to GRAB
3. what happen if car broke down for major repair and he doesn't have money to repair it?
If he able to manage his money very well by Grabbing, It is a sign that he is good responsible person and perhaps he should look into opening his own business instead doing GRAB.

I was a freelancer and eventually become a small time entrepreneur during my empty career in the corporate world. the genuine reason: The salary they offer me is not enough to cover the monthly expenses (besar pasak daripada tiang) So like it or not I do freelance, and as the business grow with more customer I start hiring people, but when business is bad I start selling my fancy stuff in order to be able to pay my staff salary. (Bad money management, but good responsibility)
In the end an offer with decent salary arrived and I decided to leave my small business behind and re join the corporate. Because at least I can calculate and cover my basic expenses and find the extra elsewhere.
With that I'm brave enough to start a family.

Hope my answer able to give you some valuable insight and also enlighten you from another perspective.

My question to you: Are you willing to live in his Grandma's House and also help to support family expenses, or even his meal?