A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

Guests for dinner!


There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.

Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge.

The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"

Searching for the perfect gift for his dear wife who loved animals and birds in particular, a man dropped in to the local pet shop to see if he could come up with an idea. The pet store manager told the man, "I have just the thing you're looking for, a bird named Chet."

Impressed with the look of the bird as the manager pointed out "Chet" on the nearby perch, the man was even more intrigued when the manager pointed out that "Chet" could sing Christmas Carols.

Approaching Chet, the manager took out his lighter and said, "Yes, just listen." As the manager lit his lighter and moved it gently below Chet's right foot the bird immediately broke into "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all..." But then, when the manager moved the lighter below Chet's left foot, the bird switched to "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas, just like the one..."

Astonishment was the only way to describe the husband's reaction and he said, "I'll buy him, what a perfect gift for my dear wife."

Racing home with Chet, the man knew he couldn't keep this wonderful gift from his wife until Christmas day. He presented Chet to her immediately and remarked, "Not only is he a pretty bird, but he sings too, Dearest."

His wife was totally overwhelmed as her husband demonstrated Chet's skill at singing Jingle Bells and White Christmas moving his lighter back and forth between Chet's right and left foot. "What happens if you put the lighter under both his feet at the same time?" asked the man's wife.

"I don't know sweet, let's try it and see."

As the man move his lighter under both of the birds feet they were both surprised when the carol immediately switched to "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."

Cheap hooker


This guy has a spare $30 that he decides to spend on his first hooker ever.

He goes out, he gets one, then he brings her home.

They have hours of hardcore sex. Then she leaves when he falls asleep.

The next morning, he wakes up and discovers that he has crabs, he goes and finds the hooker again and says, "Hey, B1tch, you gave me crabs!"

She replies, "Well for $30 what did you expect, Lobsters?"

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can go to sleep with the light on.

Wife: I spend hours in front of the mirror admiring my beauty. Do you think that's vanity?

Husband: No, it's imagination.

New Best Friend


A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs,

"Not anymore! ... He is!"

To marry


"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

Old man mamma


Morris, a 82 year old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman in his arm.

In another checkup, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great aren't you?".

To this, Morris replied, "I'd just doing what u told me to doc: Get a hot Mamma and be cheerful."

Doc: Oh, I didn't said that. I said,

"You got a heart murmur, be careful"

Tiger Woods Unfaithful Joke


What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common? They’re both in danger of being clubbed by Norwegians!

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between the iron or the wood.

Based on Tiger’s interests, his new product endorsements will be for Hostess.

This morning, his agent announced that the new nickname for Tiger will either be Cheetah or Lion.

His wife Elin told police that she went for a rescue wood, but it looks like she really went for the driver.

Did you hear that he inspired a new Kung Fu movie to be released?
“Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.”

Did you make it out of your own driveway safely this morning? Then you can say that you outdrove Tiger Woods.

Tiger just lost his endorsement with Gillette because now they can’t use his ad in which he says, “This was my closest shave yet.”

Elin Nordegren got hired today as a consultant. She’s teaching Phil Mickelson how to beat Tiger.

What do Tiger and Elin have in common? They both try to club his balls as hard as possible.

Tiger’s confused. Every OTHER time he made a hole-in-one, everyone was all happy about it.

Usually Tiger makes it onto the fairway, but he’s in trouble on this round because he put one into the bush.

Did you hear about Tiger’s last outing? He drove into a tree, then ended up with a bad lie.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 350 yards.

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning?
They went clubbing.

More on Tiger Wood Club Affairs


$25 New Nike Golf Shoes……$125 New Cadillac Escalade….$60,000 New Nike Iron, wrapped around your head by jealous wife... PRICELESS ! !

FOR SALE one used golf club, use to be my favorite iron. helped me win the master's and the open. twice. slightly bent with several what appear to be teeth marks. NEED TO SELL, ASAP! WILL SHIP ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD. JUST PLEASE! GET IT OUT OF HERE!!! - tiger

Most sports advocates believe Tiger Woods' incident with his wife will actually improve his golf game.
"...Let's face it; when you get hit in the head with a seven iron, you are going to see a lot of birdies...."

Don't you think it's suspicious that all of the sudden Phil Michelson thinks it's a great idea to install fire hydrants on all major golf courses?

Tiger made a poor selection when considering his last drive. The HumVee would have been a much safer option than the Escalade, considering the surprising strength of the furious "tail" wind that was blowing up behind him.

Anyone notice that all of the bimbos that helped bring down the Tiger are listed as "Club Ho(stesse)s"?
Strange for a guy renowned for "nearly flawless club selection".

"Relax, guys, Steve Williams is still my main caddy and always will be. Babette here is just along to pick out a good club from time to time and help polish my woods afterwards." - tiger

Tiger's wife really got pissed at his lame excuse. He said:
"Honey, I'm a golf pro. That means, every day, I need to play a round."

Neighbors of Tiger Woods shared that before the accident, they heard Tiger's wife, Elin screaming, "You are nothing but a dog!"
Ironically, Tiger immediately ran into a fire hydrant.

Santa's Elves Pickup Line


"No, no, I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks at Keebler."

"You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig."

"I taught Santa everything he knows."

"I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."

"Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you."

"I've got the keys to the sleigh tonight."

"I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man."

"I can get you off the Naughty List."

Angry man joke


A man stomps into a bar, obviously angry. He growls at the bartender, "Gimme a beer," takes a slug, and shouts out, "All lawyers are assholes!"

A guy at the other end of the bar retorts, "You take that back!"

The angry man snarls, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

The guy replies, "No, I'm an as*hole!"

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Dec 8 2009, 08:52 PM

Wedding Prank


The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:

"Dear Friends, we didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But I swear by God Almighty, I'm going to kill whoever put novocaine in the condom!"

the stuff that dentist put injection

Smelling Fish


One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, "The morning Eve and I made love for the first time."

God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"

Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."

"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."

Boy Girl God


A Boy wanted to have sex with his girlfriend. But she was refusing all the time. So he went to see his friend and asked him what to do about it. His friend had a brilliant plan. He said: "Next time you meet her under the tree behind your home. I will be up in the tree waiting for you. If she refuses again you ask God in the heaven whether you can have sex with her or not. And I will give the right answer to you and her."

The days went by and one Saturday afternoon he met his girlfriend again. They both went to that tree and he asked her to have sex. She refused. So he said to her: "And, my dear, if I ask God in heaven, would you follow his advise?" "Yes, I would" she said. So he asked: "Father in heaven can I have sex with my girlfriend?" And the voice from heaven said: "OK my friend, go ahead!" And so they had sex the first time.

But the boy asked his friend to do him this favour every week, and he did. But the last time when he asked God in heaven, the father answered: "My dear friend below, step aside and let your father in heaven have a go!"

FML!


Hubby:

Ever get up and suddenly reality hit u like a heavyweight knock-out punch... straight in the teeth... repeatedly.

The life you visualize you wanted... which you keep telling yourself soon... on the way... one day I will be... WILL NEVER HAPPEN! You jumped up, go on with your routine life that you console yourself that it is for temporary, killing you everyday by just bearing with it.

Just before you jumped and say, "then make some changes". ITS TOOOO LATE!!!!! You have no energy left.... You're old, useless, non-achiever, lazy, unmotivated, bad tempered, hard headed, but luckily not gay.

Wife: (Eye still weary by getting disturbed so early in the morning) YES YES! You may go fishing instead of accompanying me shopping today.

Why are women so bad at mathematics?

Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.