Hanging Around


A white man noticed the impressive length of the black man's pen1s at the adjacent urinal.

"Sure wish I had one like your's."

The black man replied "You can--just tie a string around it and hang weight on the end of the string. Put the weight down your pant leg, and you can have one like mine."

The white man thanked him for the suggestion and left.

Some weeks later, they met again in the lavatory.

The black man asked how the project was going.

"Great--I'm half way there!" "Really?" said the black man.

"Yes. It's black!"

Sweet Tooth


The other day April and I took off to do a little window-shopping. I didn't care that much for the merchandise in the windows, but every now and again, a female sales clerk would catch my eye.

April caught me at it. "You're like a kid in a candy store!"

"Yeah, well, since I'm married to you, I'm like a kid with diabetes in a candy store."

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years--say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight, much energized, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it.

So lets start romancing by having an affair!

Recover from breakup


It’s never easy when a marriage or other significant relationship ends. Whatever the reason for the split – and whether or not you wanted it – the breakup of a long-term, committed relationship can turn your whole world upside down and trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling feelings.

But there are things you can do to get through this difficult time. Even in the midst of the sadness and stress of a divorce or breakup, you have an opportunity to learn from the experience and grow into a stronger, wiser person.

All that will prepare you to face another breakup.

Q: How do you stop an heartbroken person from drowning?

A: Give him/her a tissue.

u all think i pms ar?

Losing the lot


A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30.

One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

"Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"

Amber: Oh, come on. Please?

Fred: No. Leave me alone.

Amber: It won't take too long.

Fred: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Amber: I can't sleep without it.

Fred: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Amber: Because I'm HOT.

Fred: You get hot at the damndest times.

Amber: If you loved me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Fred: If you loved *me* you'd be more considerate.

Amber: You don't love me any more.

Fred: Yeah I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Amber: (sob-sob)

Fred: (aaarrgh) Alright, I'll do it.

Amber: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

Fred: I can't *find* it.

Amber: Oh, for God's sake, FEEL for it.

Fred: There. I got it. Satisfied?

Amber: Oh, God, yes!

Fred: Next time you want the window opened, do it yourself.

One day there was a 97 year old woman, who wanted to commit suicide but unfortunately she did not know where her heart was.

So the old woman calls up her doctor and asked,''Where's my heart located?''

''On a woman, it's usually located under her left breast,'' the doctor replied.

The next day the woman was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with a gun shot wound to the knee.

To get out of depression, you need a good relationship.

To have a good relationship, you need to avoid depression.

WHAT'S FOR SUPPER?


A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.

So the husband inquires, "What's wrong, Honey?"

"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean."

The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast."

So off they went to the bedroom.

That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?"

"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook."

Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"

So off they went to the bedroom again.

That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister.

After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?"

"Warming up your supper!" she replies.

New Year Countdown


On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

This year resolution

To be good in love...................

what wheat field? forget already....

but if sad, can post your sad story here... we treat it as joke and laugh... so no more sad lo....

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Added on January 2, 2009, 11:20 ambut if it really make you feel better.... the link here http://forum.lowyat.net/topic/398704/+1580

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Added on January 2, 2009, 5:35 pmTaking Every Precaution


"I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla.

"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded.

"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Jan 2 2009, 05:35 PM

Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his wives?

Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.

ROLLING



A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

"You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"


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i think repost

Can of Peaches


An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen.

"Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches."

The judge replied, "How many peaches were in the can?"

She said, "Six."

The judge then said, "I will sentence you to six days in jail."

Her husband stood up behind her and replied, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

Relations


A virile, young Italian soldier was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment; and after some small talk, they made love. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile,

"So...you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her; and the love making resumed. This time, she thrashes about wildly; and there are screams of passion. The love making ends; and again, the young man smiles, and asks,

"You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it; but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks,

"You finish?"

"No!" she shouts back, "I Sveedish!"

Hot times in the kitchen


She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!' My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'