I had posted here (some might say ranting aka attention seeking) on Serious Kopitiam section several times regarding my depression and how miserable I am. I had also mentioned how at time I do feel like life isn't interesting anymore and that quitting on it just sounds oh so wonderful. In all honesty I am still am feeling that way. From my stand, for someone who suffer from a depression, anything 'positive and improving' is just temporary and that indeed it is true it is a long tiresome (perhaps a) losing battle. If there is one thing I ask from all the forumers here is to hear first with no judging intention. To judge a depressed person is attention seeking when they're in actual fact, crying for help, begging for someone to finally understand them is a painful death sentence. I don't have a place to rant , not even support from anyone around me. I keep this sickness I have to myself, lock it deeply and not telling anyone around me, not even my family and friends. Because I know they wont understand. I know I am asking a lot from strangers but I am seeking help here honestly. Anyway, I do however understand that I am in no way could and should force anyone here to read nor help me in anyway. Sometimes, like they say, when even a pair of ears listens, it helps, even just a bit. For those who stretched their hands to help, I thank you. And if you must, speak only kindness or silence is gold. Thank you.


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1. In actuality, I am sure I am depressed. However I am undiagnosed. I know something is wrong with me inside out, but I am so afraid to meet a doctor to diagnose myself with depression. The reason being, I am just afraid I couldn't afford it financially. I do not know if government hospital provide such department for psychology health. I dont know. Never ask.

2. I never tell to my family about it. I know I am sick. But I did not want to tell them. I don't think they care. I never have a great loving father. Its all about the money he said. But money was never enough for him.

3. I am from a broken family ever since I am in my teen age. I had a difficult childhood. It get worst when my parents divorced in my teen age. Ever since then my mental state is not on par of satisfying level.

4. I shun myself from everything and anyone. I am quiet. I can feel I am different. There are times when locking myself for days curling on bed spacing out and thinking endlessly and mindlessly sounds great. I avoid myself from meeting people ever since. I am not confident. I am not happy and enjoyed doing anything. I am closing myself. I am introvert. I am..not myself.

5. Not to say that I am that all the time. The thing is with depression, sometimes you feel great and better, most of the times youre not. Its like an alternating episode of feeling great one time and feeling like crashing the next. Yes although I am undiagnosed I can see that, this are the symptoms.

6. Faking smile is an easy task for depressed people. Showing and giving what other people want to see and perceive us is even easier - which is "youre happy person" although youre not. This is really bad and a lot of time normal people would not understand nor do they want to. They think depressed people are sick and perhaps perceived us as somewhat and abomination even. As if we're contagious. There is a serious miscommunication here.

7. I did not say that I do not understand what normal people feel. It's tiring isnt it? The constant 'attention seeking' that is never enough from these depressed people is unfair and uncalled for. I would be angry too if I am the norm. I would feel that injustice too if I am you. But unfortunately it is not the case.

8. However, never was a time any decent depressed people want to feel depressed. They want to feel better and not feeling sick. But they couldnt afford that. They know they cant be helped. Thus why sometimes they left you. Or they allow you to leave them. Because they understand. But at the same time its contradicting with what they want. That is the comfort and support from another human being. There is just so much someone can give to depressed people before they snapped.

9. So after family, its friends on the line. I did told my friends about myself. About what I feel. But, they don't understand anything about it. I can see its too much for them. The only thing they could do is just hope youre okay by your own and hopefully it will. The faster you get out from this situation the better for them. I dont blame them. Thus why I left them too.

10. Then, I tried love, romance and relationship. Hoping that I could meet someone who would make me feel loved and cared. Make me feel better. I made promises to myself to change and be better. Thinking I have purpose now to live for. I was wrong. I blamed myself. It made myself and my mental state worsen. Rejection is part of the game. So do cheating etc. And I realized too that.. I might have BPD.

11. Bordeline Personality Disorder (BPD) definition: Abandonment sensitivity is a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), abandonment sensitivity is described as "frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment." People with BPD can be very sensitive to any cue (real or perceived) that they are being rejected or abandoned. This can include strong reactions to seemingly minor rejections by others (e.g., becoming terrified or enraged when someone cancels plans).

Since feeling rejected triggers such strong emotional reactions in people with BPD, they will often engage in behaviors designed to reduce concerns that they are being abandoned (e.g., frequently calling someone they are in a relationship with to "make sure" that there are no signs of impending abandonment). Unfortunately, this type of behavior may actually create the feared outcome, leading to failed relationships and even greater fears of being abandoned.

Also Known As: rejection sensitivity

12. You may also find more about it here: http://bpd.about.com/od/understandingbpd/a/whatisbpd.htm

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13. Its overkill for me. So here I am hoping for some help from strangers.

14. I am currently jobless now, if youre wondering. Succumb to this so called sickness that I do not know how to fix. Let alone anyone else.

15. The thing is, it's not that I do not want to work. But when youre suffering from depression, working is just so harder that what you would imagined. There's a constant socializing occurred in which it does not favour depressed people. Thats the last thing that depressed people want. In which also contradicting, where, thats what they really want. They always feel theyre a burden to anyone that is to them normal.

16. When you made constant physical contact with people at your workplace, there will be chance where you have to face bad clients, people, colleagues, even your boss. And thus, it made your depression worsen. That is what really happening to me. I get really emotional when someone just get angry or scold me on my workplace. More than what I should. My inner voice start telling me I am bad, life is not worth living, you have bad life, youre just worthless yourself and you should really leave everything once and for all. Thus why I never stick to one place. Also I got bored too easily. Its uninteresting. Anything and everything is uninteresting to depressed people.

17. All that depressed people see is black and white. All they hear is silence. All they feel is loneliness. Perhaps its really too much to ask for, for a miracle t happen.