Jokes of the day, Compilation
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 Dec 1 2016, 10:59 AM
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#601
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire 
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Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.
The only thing he said was, "F.F." His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F." Out on the highway, he said, "F.F." She responded simply, "E.F." He repeated, "F.F." She again replied, "E.F." "Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?" Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!" |
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Dec 8 2016, 09:51 AM
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#602
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A woman came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.
"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said. "So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor cleaning machine." |
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Dec 8 2016, 09:52 AM
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#603
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller's president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda. Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I.
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Dec 8 2016, 09:53 AM
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#604
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this the wife wants him to quit, so she gets 2 shot glasses, filling 1 with water the other with whiskey. She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there too. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey and the worm dies. She says "so what do you have to say about this experiment?" He says "IF I DRINK WHISKEY I WON'T GET WORMS!" |
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Dec 8 2016, 09:54 AM
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#605
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their village, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her sons. The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately. So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning. The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.So the elder repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer. The elder raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did it!" |
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Dec 8 2016, 09:55 AM
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#606
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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On July 20, 1969, As Commander Of The Apollo 11 Lunar Module, NeilArmstrong Was The First Person To Set Foot On The Moon.
His First Words After Stepping On The Moon, "that's One Small Step ForMan, One Giant Leap For Mankind," Were Televised To Earth And Heard ByMillions. But Just Before He Reentered The Lander, He Made The Enigmatic Remark"good Luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many People At Nasa Though It Was A Casual Remark Concerning Some RivalSoviet Cosmonaut. However, Upon Checking, There Was No Gorsky In Either The Russian OrAmerican Space Programs. Over The Years Many People Questioned Armstrong As To What The "goodLuck, Mr. Gorsky... Statement Meant, But Armstrong Always Just Smiled. On July 5, 1995, In Tampa Bay , Florida , While Answering QuestionsFollowing A Speech, A Reporter Brought Up The 26-year-old Question ToArmstrong. This Time He Finally Responded. Mr. Gorsky Had Died, So Neil Armstrong Felt He Could Answer The Question. In 1938 When He Was A Kid In A Small Mid-west Town , He Was PlayingBaseball With A Friend In The Backyard. His Friend Hit The Ball, Which Landed In His Neighbor's Yard By TheBedroom Windows. His Neighbors Were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky. As He Leaned Down To Pick Up The Ball, Young Armstrong Heard Mrs. GorskyShouting At Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You Want Sex?! You'll Get Sex When The Kid Next Door Walks On TheMoon!" |
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Dec 8 2016, 09:57 AM
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#607
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink.
He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse." This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?" |
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Dec 8 2016, 09:58 AM
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#608
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.
Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation." "Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job." "Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first." |
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Dec 8 2016, 10:00 AM
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#609
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel." "I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents." "The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80." "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars." |
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Dec 8 2016, 10:02 AM
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#610
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!!!" |
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Dec 8 2016, 10:12 AM
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#611
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A man went to his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" answered the doctor. "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," replied the patient. "What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor. "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my butt." |
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Dec 8 2016, 10:17 AM
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#612
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the bronze rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously. Now not just thousands, but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge there is a trail of rats twelve city blocks long behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up out of reach and clinging tightly to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the exhausted tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer." |
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Dec 8 2016, 10:19 AM
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#613
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk." |
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Dec 15 2016, 11:11 AM
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#614
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A good-looking guy is sitting in a bar, sipping a whiskey. He notices a gorgeous woman at the end of the bar, talking with a friend. He calls over a waiter, and sends them both a martini, along with a note asking for the gorgeous woman's phone number.
Ten minutes later, the friend walks over with a note. It reads: "Unless you have a Mercedes parked outside, a million bucks in the bank, and eight inches in your pants, you're not getting anything from me." The man finishes his whiskey, considering his response. He then writes this down on a piece of paper, hands it to the friend, and walks out: "Actually, I only have about $300k in the bank; most of my net worth is in the three dozen buildings I own downtown. And today, I'm driving the Porsche; the Benz, Hummer, and Lamborghini are currently at my summer residence. But If you think I'm cutting off two inches for you, you can f**k right off." |
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Dec 15 2016, 11:25 AM
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#615
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The Priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the Priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!"
The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know for sure where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody." |
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Dec 15 2016, 11:34 AM
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#616
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off. A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?" The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great...but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't...I put them in your tackle box. |
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Dec 15 2016, 11:36 AM
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#617
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Kathy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help.
One day, during recess, Kathy noticed a young girl standing by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the kids were playing a game of soccer. A while later, Kathy walked over to the young girl and offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl looked at Kathy suspiciously, then said hesitantly, "Okay, I guess so..." "Why are you standing here all alone?" asked Kathy. "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!" |
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Dec 15 2016, 11:38 AM
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#618
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded,rural area of Georgia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them.Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!" For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!" Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car". Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLD WATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!" |
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Dec 15 2016, 11:41 AM
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#619
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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At NC State University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.
They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time. However, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Raleigh until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to return Sunday to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: For 95 points: Which tire? |
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Dec 21 2016, 04:18 PM
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#620
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A blonde is speaking to a psychiatrist.
Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me." Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?" Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car." Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?" Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet." Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?" Blonde, "I figured it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing." |
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