Jokes of the day, Compilation
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 Dec 21 2016, 04:20 PM
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#621
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire 
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Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?" "Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" "Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!" |
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Dec 21 2016, 04:22 PM
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#622
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."
The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?" The first guy says, "24 years." "Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven." Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive." The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter. The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good." Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln." The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!" Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!" A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!" |
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Dec 21 2016, 04:23 PM
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#623
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After several years of searching, he finally finds a theater where they seem prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. At the opening you walk on stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time comes. The curtain goes up, the actor walks onto the stage, and with great passion delivers the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress." The theater erupts. The audience is screaming with laughter, but the director is steaming! "Argh! You idiot!" he cries. "You've ruined me!" The actor is bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?" "No!" screams the director. "You forgot the rose!" |
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Dec 21 2016, 04:24 PM
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#624
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.
Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, the business failed, and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy. Bill and Moe blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms. Five years later, Bill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was discreetly wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Bill looked up and gasped. "Moe!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as bad as this." "Yeah," Moe said with a smirk. "But at least I don't eat here." |
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Dec 21 2016, 04:25 PM
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#625
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks. |
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Dec 21 2016, 04:30 PM
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#626
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" (Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face." |
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Dec 21 2016, 04:32 PM
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#627
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him." |
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Dec 21 2016, 04:35 PM
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#628
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago." The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before. Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!" The woman says, "thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!" |
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Dec 21 2016, 04:38 PM
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#629
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.
The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again... Don't you just love shopping for shoes? |
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Dec 21 2016, 04:39 PM
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#630
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife." |
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Dec 21 2016, 04:40 PM
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#631
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does." |
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Dec 27 2016, 03:11 PM
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#632
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"
"Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear." A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?" "Son, I'm 100% polar bear and your mother is 100% polar bear, so you're certainly 100% polar bear." A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear again turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I really need to know... am I really 100% polar bear?" Distressed by this continued questioning, the father polar bear finally asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?" "Because I'm freezing to death out here!" |
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Dec 27 2016, 03:12 PM
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#633
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth. The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down;. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days I play golf." |
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Dec 27 2016, 03:14 PM
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#634
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says,"Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray,and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes backout and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma |
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Dec 27 2016, 03:15 PM
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#635
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage.
He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him with an outstretched hand, "Congratulations Harry! I just wanted to tell you I've been married for twenty two years, and I am sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life." "But sir", said Harry, a little bit confused, "I'm not getting married until tomorrow!" "Yeah, I know," said his boss. |
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Dec 27 2016, 03:16 PM
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#636
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter.
She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The Instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her by radio. So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was running smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods. The Instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out. "What happened?" the Instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3000 feet. What happened then?" "Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the ceiling fan." |
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Dec 27 2016, 03:17 PM
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#637
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. Ben searches diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here." Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Ben?" Ben shouts back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron." |
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Dec 27 2016, 03:26 PM
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#638
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At McDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and McDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a nice place. Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!" "Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!" |
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Dec 27 2016, 03:27 PM
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#639
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do." Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers." The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 1999. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?" Jon says, "Well, sh*t, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up." |
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Dec 27 2016, 03:28 PM
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#640
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, 'I'll take that bet!' Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said 'I can't take this, you're my friend.' The blonde said 'No. A bet's a bet'. So the redhead said 'Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money'. The blonde replied, 'Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!' |
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