Jokes of the day, Compilation
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 Nov 8 2016, 10:30 AM
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#561
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire 
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A blonde goes horse back riding.
It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop. The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins. The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down. She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes and unplugs it. |
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Nov 8 2016, 10:31 AM
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#562
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man. “Say, is this really a healthy place?” “It sure is,” the man replied. “When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed.” “That's wonderful!” said Bill. “How long have you been here?” “I was born here.” |
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Nov 8 2016, 10:33 AM
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#563
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!"
The man said, "That's what you can do when you're young and bright." Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do that for?" The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!" |
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Nov 21 2016, 01:35 PM
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#564
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good…!!! I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Dear Ex-Husband: Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a girl!” but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99… After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee! P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem |
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Nov 21 2016, 01:39 PM
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#565
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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For everyone who has ever had an evaluation or performance review just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from United States Federal Government employee performance evaluations:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig." 2. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite won't be." 4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." 7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot." 10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better." 11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together." 12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." 13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier." 14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." 15. "He's been working with glue too much." 16. "He would argue with a signpost." 17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." 18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." 19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one." 20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." 21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection." 22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." 23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." 24. "He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it." 25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." 26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change." 27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean." 28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." 29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled." 30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'." 31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead." |
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Nov 21 2016, 01:40 PM
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#566
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A man walked into a restaurant and saw a sign that read, "We'll give you $300 if we're unable to serve you any entree you order."
He sat down and told the waitress he wanted elephant liver on rye. The waitress took the order and left. All of a sudden, the man heard terrible noises coming from the kitchen - the sound of feet stamping, screaming and the banging of pots and pans. It went on and on. The noise finally stopped, and the cook appeared from the kitchen. He slapped down $300 in front of the customer and said, "I can't believe it. We're out of rye." |
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Nov 21 2016, 01:43 PM
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#567
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!" |
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Nov 21 2016, 01:44 PM
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#568
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies. |
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Nov 21 2016, 01:45 PM
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#569
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit." Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother." |
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Nov 24 2016, 03:22 PM
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#570
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A butcher in his shop, and he's real busy, and he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again.
So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note and it reads, "I need 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well." The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, he finds the money for the order there. So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it's close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to an intersection. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button for the walk signal. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes, again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth. Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself Whap! against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and Whap! throws himself against it again. There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to an open window, barks several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, yelling at him and swearing at him. The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the world are you doing ? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for heavens sake!" To which the guy responds, "Clever, my ass! This is the second time this week that he's forgotton his key." |
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Nov 24 2016, 03:24 PM
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#571
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out."Matt's riding a new bike." A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving.""Jason is on his skate board." A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex." Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle too." |
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Nov 24 2016, 03:26 PM
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#572
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?" The cowboy thinks for a moment and then responds, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, dammit! P-O-S-S-E!" |
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Nov 24 2016, 03:29 PM
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#573
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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There were these two blondes driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic.
The first blonde says, "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree." The other says, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road." They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road. All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them. The one blonde says to the other, "See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!" |
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Nov 24 2016, 03:29 PM
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#574
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The bookie slowly counted out the money into the old lady's wrinkled hands.
"Lady," he said, "I just don't understand. However did you manage to pick the winner?" The old lady patted her white locks in place. She looked a little bewildered. "Really," she said, "I don't know myself. I just stick a pin in the paper and, well, there it is." The bookie took a deep breath. "That's all very well, lady," he cried. "But how on earth did you manage to pick four winners yesterday afternoon?" "Oh," replied the old lady, "that was easy. I used a fork." |
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Nov 24 2016, 03:31 PM
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#575
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. He chose to find out peoples' favorite pastimes.
The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university. He knocked on the first door and a man answered. "Sir, what is your name?" asked the student. "John." "Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know what is your favorite pastime?" "Watching bubbles in the bath," came the reply. He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door. He asked again, "Sir, what is your name?" "Jeff." "Sir, Would you please tell me your favorite pastime?" "Watching bubbles in a bath," was the answer. Quite amused and confused, he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and all of them had the same pastime..."watching bubbles in a bath". He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses, to continue the survey. At the first house, he knocks and an attractive girl opens the door. Our surveyor starts again - "What is your name?" "Bubbles." |
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Nov 25 2016, 03:11 PM
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#576
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Primary 3.
The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Primary 4. I am smarter than my sister and she's in Primary 4". The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Primary 4. Principal: What is 3+3? Boy: 6. Principal: 6+6. Boy: 12. The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Primary 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed. Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2? Boy: Legs. Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have? Boy: Pockets. Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut. Madam: What goes in hard and then comes out soft and sticky? *The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge* Boy: Bubble gum. Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. Boy: Tent. *The principal was looking restless* Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?. Boy: Wedding ring. Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I Drip. When you blow me, you feel good? Boy: Nose. Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver. Boy: Arrow. Principal: O MY GOD. Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you've to use your hand? Boy: Fork. Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage? Boy: Surname. Principal: Chinekeme!!. Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love? Boy: Heart. Principal: Eeeeeh!!.. The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this BLOODY boy to the university... Even I myself got all the answers wrong!" |
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Nov 25 2016, 03:20 PM
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#577
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase it's sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time". Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time". As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week." |
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Nov 25 2016, 03:21 PM
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#578
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.40. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is: why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?" |
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Nov 25 2016, 03:22 PM
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#579
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Four old Catholic women sit and brag about their sons. The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman says, "My incredibly handsome son is 6' 2 with broad, square shoulders, good manners and impeccable style. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, 'Oh my God!'" |
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Nov 25 2016, 03:25 PM
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#580
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother. He says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!" |
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