An Indian girl walked into a general store and asked the clerk for some toilet paper.
So the clerk says, "Well, we have two brands of toilet paper: Toilet Paper Royal and the generic kind which doesn't have a name."

So the Indian girl asks, "What's the difference?", to which the clerk replies, "The generic brand is cheaper." So the Indian girl buys the generic brand and walks home.

The next day she walks into the store with the roll of toilet paper and says, "I have found a name for this toilet paper."

Curious the clerk says, "Well what is it?"

The girl replies, "John Wayne, because it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap from Indians."

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
Preosllnay I tinhk its cmolpete nenosnese......

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Hanukkah cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Hanukkah stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman replies, "Oh my. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."

An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce. "A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"

"I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.

"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"

"My husband is eighty-seven."

"My, my," said the lawyer, "and how long have you been married?"

"Next September will be sixty-two years."

"Married sixty-two years?! Why would you want a divorce now?"

"Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough."

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman.
The house was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place.
The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.

While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days.
Then it started; slowly but surely.
Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad.
They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.

Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move.

The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home

... including the curtain rods.

Haha, laugh die me! More more TS !!

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all humans on Earth to die.
To sort things out, everyone went to Heaven. God came in and said,
"I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.

The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.

God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.
I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates.
Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!

Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool.
He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how’s it going?"
She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says,
"I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter."

He says, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too. What law firm are you with?"

A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron.

He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."
"What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too". She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.

A blonde goes to the doctor's and find out she is pregnant with twins.
She starts crying and the doctor asks her what's wrong.

She replies, "I know who the dad is for one of them but I don't know who the dad is for the other one!"

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.
The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.
The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief.

One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?"
"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment."
A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating, "Is there any doubt what he was doing?"

"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you."

A Texas cowboy went to the dentist with a toothache.
After an exam, the dentist told the cowboy he had a tooth that had to come out.

"I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain," the dentist explained, "and I'll be back in just a few minutes."
The old cowboy grabbed the doc's arm and said, "No way! I hate needles and I ain't havin' no shot!"

The dentist said, "That's ok, we'll just go with gas instead."
The cowboy replied, "Gas makes me sick! I ain't havin' no gas either!"

Without saying a word, the dentist turned and left the room for a minute, and when he came back, he handed the cowboy a glass of water and said, "Here, take this pill."
The cowboy looked at the pill and asked, "What is it?"
The dentist replied, "It's Viagra."
The old cowboy looked surprised and asked, "Will that kill the pain?"

"No," replied the dentist, "but it'll give you something to hang on to while I pull that tooth."

One day a group of Darwinian scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God.
So they picked one Darwinian to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The Darwinian walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you.
We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man.
After the Darwinian was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest."
To which the Darwinian happily agreed.
God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The Darwinian said, "Sure, no problem," and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

This is funneh!

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed.

So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl.

He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six," he said.

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, "ROAR," step, step, "ROAR," all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."