Experienced

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle (Cuddles) along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing Butterflies and before long Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here"?

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!



Moral of this story...

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullsh!t and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Joe buys an immaculate vintage motorbike and asks the seller how he kept it so nice.

"Well," says the seller, "when the bike is outside, if it's going to rain, I rub Vaseline on the chrome - it protects it beautifully".

That night, Joe's girlfriend, Mary, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike. Just before they enter the house, Mary stops Joe and says,

"By the way, when my family eats dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

Once inside, Joe's appalled - filthy plates are piled high in every room. But they still sit down to eat and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation, so he stands up, rips Mary's clothes off and screws her right there. Still silence. He looks at her mum and thinks, "Why not?" So he has his way with her too. Now Mary and her dad are both furious, but still, total silence. Then, all of a sudden there is a clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe, recalling his advice, pulls out the jar of Vaseline. The father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, I'll do the f__king dishes!"

HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH.....buttsecks alert..... misunderstanding comes sweet !!

True story:

My dad's friend is on a flight to India. Seated next to him is a middle-aged Indian man, obviously a first time flyer by his uneasiness in his seat. So dad's friend decided to strike up a chat with the fellow.

Dad's friend: A little shaky i see?

Indian man: Yeah. Is there any way i could have a coffee in this plane? Coffee calms me down.

Dad's friend: Well, you see that button above? (pointing at the call steward button) Just press..

Indian man: (cuts in) Ah.. i see.. thank you.

At this point the Indian man stood up, pressed the button..




And spoke into the aircond vent..

Indian man: one coffee, please.

Actually, we use blue in English.

By the way, great jokes.

OT:yellow jokes in a direct translation from chinese which has the same meaning as blue jokes.

LOL! Good one man!

Hey I'll post some of what I've found. I actually posted them here before, but I think it's somewhere else already It's better to have them in your thread coz you seem to update often enough (I on the other hand, am too damn lazy for that )

So yeah, let's share the laughs man!

Found my old post. Trasnfering laughs here

edit: The final one!

This post has been edited by marquis: Nov 11 2006, 05:37 PM

roflmfao... read the whole 8 pages in office... best thread ever in jokes heaven.

Hey Marquis.. thanks for sharing the laughs here. ehhee.

here's one for you..

HOW TO BE HAPPY

A wise man once said that to be happy:

1. It is important to find a woman who helps at home, who cooks a decent meal from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It is important to find a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It is important to find a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important to find a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It is important these four women don't know each other

Glad that you enjoyed it!!

OLDMAN'S ERECTION

Oldman sleeping with grandson. Late nite, he shouts, "I need a girl. I have an erection!"

Grandson says, "First, it's too late. Second, you are 75 years old and third, the cock you are holding is mine!"

GOAT FOR DINNER

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'

I think alot of ppl read this already.. still quite good. hehehee

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: always keep condoms in your car!

Oneday a panda walks into a restaurant. It orders a meal and it was a lot. After enjoying the meal it stood up, took out a gun, and started shooting about the restaurant. Satisfied, it turns around and walks out. Angry, the owner of the restaurant called out to the panda and ask "what's the meaning of this?" The panda replied, "I am a panda. Look it up in the dictionary."

Blurred for a moment the owner took out his dictionary, turned to "P," & found the word Panda.

Panda : An animal of eastern origin, found in China. It is a protected by law. It EATS SHOOTS AND LEAVES.

knew it was true...I knew it!


Well, if there's any truth to this study at all, then I should live to be 180 minimum!

From the New England Journal of Medicine:

Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out" declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby.

Dr. Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.

The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease. "Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation," explains Dr. Weatherby. "There's no question: Gazing at breasts makes men healthier."

"Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years."
...hmmm - I wonder if PC boobies count?

P.S: I've already volunteered myself to science just in case they want to do a "hands on" study of the same type...woo-hoo!

A fishos says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00. The fishos says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same fishos walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the fishos a bill for $37.00.

The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, and throws him out into the street.

The next day the same fishos walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill."

In disgust the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?'

The fishos replies, "No, you get violent when you drink."

This one is classic man! Cracks me up everytime I read it