> Got a letter from Grandma the other day.
>
> She writes:
>
> Today I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if
you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
>
> I was feeling particularly sassafras that day because I had just
come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer
meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
>
> I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

>
> It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus, because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that lots of people love Jesus!

>
> Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking
like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the
love of God! Go! Go! "

>
> What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started
honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling
at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share
in the love!

>
> There must have been a man from Florida back there because I
heard him yell something about a "sunny beach" I saw another guy waving in
a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I
asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, and he said
that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign, or something.

>
> Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out of the
window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out
laughing...Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

>
> A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment
that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet
they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I
noticed that the light had changed. So, I waved to all of my brothers and
sisters, smiled, and drove on through the intersection.

>
> I noticed that I was the only car that got through before the
light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all of the love that we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned
out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last
time as I drove away.

>
> Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
>
> Love, Grandma

Want to be a Hong Kie,Singaporean,Indonesian or Malaysian? U choose...

GOOD REASONS FOR BEING A HONGKIE
1. We are Hongkies not Chinese
2. We can talk and shout and nobody gives a damn
3. Jackie Chan is our icon
4. We can live in 5' x 5' cubicle and call it luxury apartment
5. Our children can speak Cantonese at a young age
6. We get to blame everything on Feng Shui or Tung Chee Hwa or the mainlanders
7. No one can threaten Hong Kong, except the few expat Cathay Pilots
8. Gambling is more interesting than sex
9. We produce a lot of Ms. Hong Kong to the enjoyment of the rich and famous.

GOOD REASONS FOR BEING SINGAPOREANS
1. We are not Chinese
2. Everyone hates us except ourselves
3. Famous for Orchard Road
4. We have our own island
5. Proud of our world class Airport, world class MRT, world class airline, world class telco......
6. We know how to spell 'Salvatore Ferragamo'
7. We know how to enjoy vacation in M'sia - keep a few RM50 notes before you enter the highway:
can throw anything, anytime,anywhere and always wash our cars at the resort.
8. The men are always concerned, first question to ask a girl "Do u have CPF?"
9. Never fear getting lost in our country - S$20 taxi ride will get u into the sea.
10. We'll never hv to worry about finding Mr or Ms right coz Govt will find one for us.
11. 1 Sing = 2.2 ringgit nyeh-nyeh-nyeh..
12. It's OK to be Kiasu. It's part of our culture.


GOOD REASONS FOR BEING INDONESIANS
1. We are not Australian
2. We live in the biggest country in South East Asia
3. No pirates in Indonesia water if u exclude the Navy and Coast guards.
4. Everything is cheap, even our salaries
5. We can blame everything on Suharto or Habibie or Gus Dur or Megawati or...
6. Only in Indonesia can u get involved in real demonstrations daily for different causes and see no
results.
7. Our Rupiah is like a Yo Yo, it can go up and down just bcoz IMF say so...
8. We burn everything and nobody gives a damn
9. We dont need firefighters as our neighbours will provide...


GOOD REASONS BEING A MALAYSIAN
1. World tallest Building, Best F1 circuit, biggest pewter mug, highest standard of university
admission... coz Malaysia Boleh
2. We can be driving, picking our nose, cursing another driver, talking on the handphone, adjusting
radio and bribing the cop at the same time.
3. Divorce by sending SMS
4. Traffic summon can be settled on the spot with the cop.
5. Teh Tarek & Roti Canai is the favourite supper
6. We can save a lot of electricity bcoz our TV shows r so crappy
7. We can blame everything on the haze or George Soros or Keadilan or.....
8. Resourceful City Council, one person to drive the van, one to carry the ladder, one to change a
street bulb and three others watching.
9. We make 2 lane trunk roads into 3 lane highway and back to 2 lane when cops are sighted.
10. There's always something for the PSD to do. They dig, resurface, dig and resurface......
11. All main roads are designated highway coz it gives the govt a reason to collect toll.
12. Our Govt can never be wrong. GOOD EH ???

>>THIS IS BETTER THAN SAYING I LOVE YOU..........
>>
>>
>>
>>Hhmmmm.....If All Men Behave this way....
>>
>>Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
>>He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is
>>a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
>>He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
>>pressed.
>>Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect
>>order,spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house.
>>He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table
>>
>>
>>"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
>>Love you."
>>
>>
>>So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast
>>and the morning newspaper.
>>His son is also at the table, eating.
>>Marty asks,
>>
>>
>>
>>"Son, what happened last night?"
>>
>>
>>His son says,
>>
>>"Well, you came home after 3a.m., drunk and delirious. Broke some
>>furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when
>>you stumbled into the door."
>>
>>
>>Confused, Marty asks,
>>
>>
>>"So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on
>>the table waiting for me?"
>>
>>
>>His son replies,
>>
>>
>>
>>"Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to
>>take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

1. The Last Word
> > A couple drove several miles down a country road interse silence. Not a
> > word
> > was said to each other. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
> > neither wanted to concede his position. As they passed a barnyard of
> > mulesand pigs, the wife sarcastically asked,
> > "Relatives of yours?"
> > "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws".
> >
> >
> > 2. A Bottle Of Perfume
> > After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his
> > wife a little gift.
> > "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a
> > bottle costing $50.00.
> > "That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle
> > for $30.00.
> > "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk
> > brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
> > "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
> > The clerk handed him a mirror.
> >
> >
> > 3. How realistic...
> > An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the
> > doctor's office. "We have come for an examination" said the young girl.
> > "Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your
> > clothes off."
> > "No, not me" said the girl. "It's my old aunt here."
> > "Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
> >
> > 4. Dial for Coffee
> > A Man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day
> > he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone,"Get me a coffee quickly!"
> > The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong
> > extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
> > "No", replied the trainee.
> > "It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!"
> > The man shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"
> > "No.", replied the Managing Director.
> > "Good!", replied the trainee who quickly put down the phone!
> >
> > 5. Healing
> > Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV. The evangelist
> > called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand
> > on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be
> > healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the
> > set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to
> > have great pain.
> > Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and
> > his left hand on his crotch.
> > Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The
> > purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead !"

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I
am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never
to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary
never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th
anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she
lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there
were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her
guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry.
For all these years I kept my promise and never looked
in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation
was too much and I gave in.But now I need to know why
do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after
all these years you deserve to know the truth.
Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer
can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to
do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed
and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from
home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess
that 3 times is not that bad considering the number
of years we've been together."

They hugged and made their peace. A little while
later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all
that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with
empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and
redeemed them for cash."

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the
trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's
fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"


''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''


''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man
told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply
answer the question.''

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.


''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule,
into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer
ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However,
I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her
groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear
Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his
gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in
his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.
How are you feeling?'"

>>An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak
>>something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any
>>public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the
>>side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a
>>London police officer showed up.
>>
>>"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.
>>
>>"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a
>>leak."
>>
>>"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."
>>
>>The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of
>>grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the
>>policeman, "whiz away."
>>
>>The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started peeing
>>on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the
>>officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British
>>courtesy?"
>>
>>"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

>>Corporate lesson 1
>>
>>A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up
>>her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing
>>over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives
>>up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When
>>she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
>>Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give you 800 quid to drop
>>that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the
>>woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few
>>seconds, Bob hands her 800 quid and leaves. Confused,but excited
>>about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and
>>goes back upstairs.
>>
>>When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the
>>shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she
>>replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the
>>800 quid he owes me?"
>>MORAL OF THE STORY:
>>
>>If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in
>>time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent
>>avoidable exposure.
>>
>>Corporate lesson 2
>>
>> A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road,
>>he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in
>>and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely
>>leg.
>>The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
>>After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her
>>leg.
>>The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father,remember psalm
>>129?"
>>
>>The priest was flustered and apologised profusely. He forced
>>himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his
>>eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand
>>slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember
>>psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologised."Sorry sister
>>but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out,
>>gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at
>>the church,
>>the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It
>>Said,"Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
>>MORAL OF THE STORY:
>>Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great
>>opportunity!
>>
>>
>>Corporate Lesson 3
>>Usually the staff of the company play football. The middle level
>>managers are more interested in tennis. The top management usually
>>has a preference for golf.
>>Finding: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in
>>size.
>>
>>Corporate Lesson 4
>>A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to
>>lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie
>>comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant
>>three wishes,so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me
>>first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving
>>a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
>>In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to
>>be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an
>>endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof!
>>He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The
>>manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
>>
>>
>>Moral of story:
>>
>>
>>Always let your boss have the first say!

> Subject: FW: Cerita kita...
>
> Sepasang suami isteri yg telah mempunyai 3 orang anak, sedang berbual
> sambil
> menonton TV di dalam bilik mereka. Si isteri bertanya kepada suami
> beberapa soalan.
>
>
> Isteri : Bang, kalau saya mati dulu, abang kawin lagi tak?
> Suami : Abang rasa, abang mungkin kwain lagi. Abih, anak-anak kita
> perlukan org yg boleh beri perhatian. Makan minum abang pun adalah org
> yg sediakan.
>
>
> Isteri : Habis, kalau abang kawin lagi, abang kasi ke dia duduk
> Rumah kita.
> Suami : Yelah. Sbb rumah ni beli mahal, takkan nak tinggal macam
> Tu saja?
>
> Isteri : Abang kasi ke dia guna bilik, kita, toilet kita?
> Suami : Ya yang, sbb takkan abang nak buat bilik lain khas untuk dia.
> Nanti bilik ni, membazir pulak.
>
>
> Isteri : Abang kasi ke dia pakai almari kita?
> Suami : Ye yang, almari kita ada 4 pintu takkan nak bagi org lainpulak.
>
>
> Isteri : Abang kasi ke dia pakai katil kita?
> Suami : Terpaksalah yang. Sebab katil kita tu baru je beli sebulan.
>
>
> Isteri : Baju tidur saya, pijama dan towel saya?
> Suami : Takkan itu abang nak bagi kakak & adik awak. Jadi, drpd
> Tak dipakai dlm rumah ni, baiklah kalau abang kasi dia aja.
>
>
> Isteri : Handbag saya, kasut saya, golf set saya?
> Suami : Itu tak lah. Sebab dia suka handbag kaler maroon, kasut dia
> Saiz kecil drpd awak, saiz 5, golf set tak boleh sebab dia kidal......
>
>
> Sapa boleh komen cerite ni..

These are couplets taken from the rhymezone site where
there's this competition for writing the most romantic
first line and most unromantic second..here are a few
of the entries..

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet,
and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

After you, my love, my only prize
Would be a bullet between my eyes

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you're not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

Every time I see your face
I wish I were in outer space

I saw your face as you walked by
but then I saw a better guy

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If it's true, I'd prefer you inside out.

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

> > Lesson 1
> >
> > You have just landed in KL International Airport and
> >
> > the first thing
> >
> > you want to do is to call your Malaysian friend. If
> >
> > you're calling him at
> >
> > home or at the office, the first thing to say on the
> >
> > phone is "Eh,
> >
> > what you doing?". If you're calling him on the handphone(cellular
> >
> > phone) the standard greeting is "Eh, where are you?"
> >
> >
> >
> > Lesson 2
> >
> > Your Malaysian friend has graciously offered to pick
> >
> > you from the
> >
> > airport. He said "Give me half an hour...", be
> >
> > prepared to wait at least one
> >
> > and a half hours. This is probably your first
> >
> > encounter with Malaysian
> >
> > Timing. There's no need to adjust your watch.
> >
> > Whatever time a Malaysian tells
> >
> > you, just add another hour, and you won't go wrong.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Lesson 3
> >
> > You have no friends in Malaysia (yet) and you decide
> >
> > to take a cab
> >
> > from the airport. You'll soon realize that the one-way
> >
> > taxi fare is more
> >
> > expensive than a night's stay at most decent hotels.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Lesson 4
> >
> > If your friendly limo or taxi driver, says "Sir, you
> >
> > want to try some
> >
> > Thai chicken?", he's definitely not suggesting a good
> >
> > place for Thai
> >
> > food. If you encounter the word "chicken" in a taxi,
> >
> > hotel lobby or street
> >
> > corner it usually means a lady who charges you a fee
> >
> > in exchange for pleasure.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Lesson 5
> >
> > If you're a newbie expat, your colleagues will
> >
> > definitely introduce
> >
> > you to the mini Beverly Hills of Kuala Lumpur,
> >
> > Bangsar. Believe me,
> >
> > there are other more interesting places to shop, eat
> >
> > and drink. And by the
> >
> > way, get the pronunciation right! It's "Bar-ngsar"
> >
> > not "Bang-sar" as in
> >
> > "Bangkok".
> >
> >
> >
> > Lesson 6
> >
> > Since you're heading for Bangsar anyway, you ought to
> >
> > know that
> >
> > Bangsar was previously Indian territory before the
> >
> > white men's invasion.
> >
> > Some of the local Indians you meet there try their
> >
> > very best to look and
> >
> > behave like the blacks in the US. Complete with
> >
> > rapper's hair cut,
> >
> > shades and customary "Yo! What's up xxx?" greeting,
> >
> > you would probably
> >
> > think that you're right in the middle of Harlem. But
> >
> > remember this
> >
> > important warning: Don't ever call them blacks, even
> >
> > though their sole
> >
> > purpose in life is to look and sound like the
> >
> > blacks. They become extremely
> >
> > hostile if you refer to them as blacks! I can never
> >
> > figure this out but don't
> >
> > say I didn't warn you.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Lesson 7
> >
> > Why do Malaysians call all Caucasians "Mat Sallehs"?
> >
> > About a hundred
> >
> > years ago, drunkard sailors from the West were a
> >
> > common sight in the
> >
> > Port Klang area. The locals used to call them "Mad
> >
> > Sailors". Somehow,
> >
> > it got corrupted into the Malay name "Mat Salleh". The
> >
> > Chinese will still
> >
> > call you "Gwai-Loh" or "Devil". To the more polite
> >
> > Hokkiens you're a "Ang
> >
> > Moh" or "Red Hair".
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Lesson 8
> >
> > If your Chinese friends invite you to join them for a
> >
> > Chinese meal
> >
> > like "Hokkien Mee" or "Bak Kut Teh", eat as much as
> >
> > you can. You'll
> >
> > Never gonna get it anywhere else. Not even in China,
> >
> > Taiwan or Hong
> >
> > Kong. There's another Malaysian invention, the "Yee
> >
> > Sang" or raw fish
> >
> > salad (served during the Chinese New Year). Try
> >
> > loading on your Pepto B before ingesting it.Also
> >
> > before I forget, if you're the queasy type,avoid
> >
> > ordering "spare-parts" when you're having "Bak Kut
> >
> > Teh", unless you fancy all the internal parts of a
> >
> > pig.
> >
> >
> >
> > Lesson 9
> >
> > When you're in a restaurant, always "pop" the
> >
> > disposable tissue
> >
> > packet as loud as you can. Don't worry, nobody will
> >
> > get annoyed. Usually,
> >
> > at the end of a ten course dinner, there'll be one
> >
> > "Big Bang" as everybody
> >
> > pop" theirs. In order to express your appreciation to
> >
> > your generous
> >
> > host, remember to throw in a loud belch as well.
> >
> > Although it may be
> >
> > normal in your own country, don't ask the waiter for a
> >
> > separate bill
> >
> > (check).Either you pay for everything or just keep
> >
> > your mouth (and wallet) shut. If you feel bad about
> >
> > it, offer to pay the next time. Anyway, don't
> >
> > worry too much about it as most locals know that most
> >
> > Mat Sallehs are
> >
> > "stingy buggers"...
> >
> >
> >
> > Lesson 10
> >
> > Don't like to be a stingy Mat? Take your friends to a
> >
> > Mamak "fish-head
> >
> > curry" restaurant. Order the prawns and the crabs as
> >
> > well. Be totally
> >
> > reckless, don't ask about the prices and don't check
> >
> > your bill as well.
> >
> > I guarantee you'll find a big hole. The one in your
> >
> > pocket, not the
> >
> > ones you're always chasing in Bangsar. Whether you're
> >
> > in a five-star
> >
> > hotel or at a roadside stall, always ask for the
> >
> > "bill". Nobody will
> >
> > understand when you say "check" or "tab". Need a paper
> >
> > napkin or serviette?
> >
> > Just say "tishoo".
> >
> >
> >
> > Lesson 11
> >
> > Every Wednesday or Thursday night is Ladies' Night at
> >
> > the "fun
> >
> > pubs" and discos. That's the night when most club
> >
> > operators get rid of all
> >
> > their stale and unwanted alcohol. They mix it into
> >
> > some strange
> >
> > cocktails and give it away free to the ladies. Ladies'
> >
> > Night is actually Men's
> >
> > Night! That's the time when all the predatory
> >
> > "buayas"(crocodiles) go out in
> >
> > full force. Stick to normal nights, you'll find less competition. If
> >
> > you're a lady, stay away from the "buayas" and the free
> >
> > drinks(unless
> >
> > it's pouring brands).
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Lesson 12
> >
> > Stop hassling the street vendor who sold you a 3 VCD
> >
> > set of "The Titanic"
> >
> > that didn't exactly meet the ISO 9000 specifications.
> >
> > C'mon, what
> >
> > can you buy for US $3 back home? Besides, you should
> >
> > listen to your
> >
> > own government and not buy pirated stuff. But from
> >
> > what I see at Imbi
> >
> > Plaza, pewter and batik are no longer the favorite
> >
> > souvenirs. By the way,
> >
> > when you're at Imbi Plaza, don't forget to check out
> >
> > another
> >
> > distinguished landmark of Malaysia; the world's first
> >
> > and only permanently
> >
> > static escalator.
> >
> >
> >
> > Lesson 13
> >
> > Malaysian drivers tend to slow down when they come
> >
> > across any
> >
> > road accidents. They are not being cautious nor are
> >
> > they intending to
> >
> > give assistance. They must catch a glimpse of that
> >
> > ever important
> >
> > "Nombor".Even if the number (license) plate is broken
> >
> > into a million
> >
> > pieces, the passerbys will patiently re-assemble it
> >
> > just to obtain that
> >
> > "lucky" number. Then, it's off to the 4D betting
> >
> > shops. If the numbers don't
> >
> > come this way, they do some quick interpretation of
> >
> > their dreams
> >
> > through the handy Chinese Dream Book. It looks like
> >
> > a Clip Art Visual
> >
> > Catalog. Nightmares are included as well....
> >
> >
> >
> > Damn, I'm Proud to be Malaysian!
> >

Subject: How guys select the girl they want to marry
******************************************
A man is dating three women and
wants to decide which to marry.
He decides to give them a test.
He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and
watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover.
She goes to a fancy beauty salon,
gets her hair done,
purchases new make-up and buys several new outfits,
and dresses up very nicely for the man.

She tells him that she has done
this to be more attractive for him
because she loves him so much.
The man is impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of STRONG golf clubs,
some new gizmos for his computer,
and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts,
she tells him that she has spent a ll the money on him
because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market.
She earns several times the $5,000.
She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the
remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their
future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time
about what each woman had done
with the money.
...........................
...........................
...........................
...........................
...........................
...........................
...........................
...........................
...........................
...........................
...........................
Then he married the one with the largest breasts.

Men are Men!!!

>> > > Subject: Perspective
>> > >
>> > > DAUGHTER'S LETTER HOME FROM COLLEGE
>> > >
>> > > An exact replica of a letter a daughter wrote to her parents
>>from
>> > > college:
>> > >
>> > > Dear Mom and Dad,
>> > >
>> > > It has now been three months since I left for college. I have
>>been
>>remiss
>> > > in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness
>>in not
>> > having
>> > > written before. I will bring you up to date now, but, before
>>you read
>> > on,
>> > > please sit down.
>> > >
>> > > YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING
>> > > DOWN, OKAY?
>> > >
>> > > Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull
>>fracture, and
>> > the
>> > > concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my
>>dormitory when
>> > > it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well
>>healed now.
>> > > Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump, were
>>witnessed by
>> > > an attendant at the gas station near the dorm. He was the one
>> who
>> > > called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited
>>me at
>>the
>> > > hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the
>>burned out
>> > > dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his
>>apartment with
>> > > him and his three buddies. It's really a basement room, but
>>it's kind
>>of
>> > > cute.
>> > >
>> > > He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and
>>are
>> > > planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet,
>>but it will
>> > be
>> > > before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mom and Dad, I am
>> > > pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being
>> > > grandparents! I know you will welcome the baby and give it
>>the love,
>> > > devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.
>> > >
>> > > The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend
>>has some
>> > > minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital
>>blood
>> > > tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon
>>clear up
>>with
>> > > the penicillin injections I am having daily. I know you will
>>welcome
>>him
>> > > into our family with open arms. He is kind and, although not
>>well
>> > > educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race
>>and
>> > religion
>> > > than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not
>>permit you
>>to
>> > > be bothered by the fact that his skin color is different
>>than ours. I
>>am
>> > > sure you will love him as I do. His family background is
>>good, too,
>>for
>> > I
>> > > am told that his father is an important weapons dealer in
>>the village
>> > in
>> > > Africa from which he came.
>> > >
>> > > Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you
>>that there
>> > was
>> > > no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull
>>fracture. I
>>was
>> > > not in the hospital, I am not pregnant and I am not
>>engaged. I do not
>> > > have syphilis and there is no man (of any color) in my life.
>> However,
>>I
>> > > got a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science, and I wanted you
>> to see
>> > those
>> > > marks in the proper perspective.
>> > >
>> > > Your Loving Daughter
>> > >
>> > > Linda.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Balloons


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A kid was taking a shower with his mom and asks, "what
are those things on your chest?" Not wanting to answer
she changed the subject. The next day the boy went up
to his dad and asked "What are those things on Mommy's
chest?" he replied "They are balloons so when Mommy
dies they will inflate and she will float to heaven. A
couple weeks later the father comes home early and his
son runs out and says "Daddy, Daddy, Mom is dying" the
father ask "what are you talking about?" "Well, Uncle
Harry is blowing up her balloons and she's yelling 'Oh
God I'm coming'







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

construction workers


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building
needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He
yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. The
man on the 3rd floor does sign language. He points at his eye meaning
"I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and
forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the 1st floor knods his
head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd
floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says," What
the f*** is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"
The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to
tell you I'm coming."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pulled Pork


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of
marriage, they find that they are unable to
communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the
lights because they can't see each other
using sign language. After several nights of fumbling
around and misunderstandings, the wife
decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple
signals? For instance, at night, if you
want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my
left breast one time. If you don't want to
have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one
time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back
to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to
have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one
time. If you don't want to have sex, reach
over and pull on my penis 50 times."




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Turner Brown


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees
this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees
the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7
feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 lb. left
testicle, 3 lb. right testicle, Turner Brown." The
small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor.
This big dude kneels down & brings him to, slapping
his face and shaking him, "What's wrong with
you?" In a very weak voice, the little guy says,
"Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?" The
big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face
and figured I'd just give you the answers to the
questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall,
350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 lb. left testicle, 3 lb.
right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown." The
small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said Turn
Around."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

voodoo d***


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy is going to go on a buisness trip, and he
doesn't want his wife to cheat on him, so he goes into
a porn shop. He walks up to the guy at the front counter,
and tells him his story, and asks for something that will work
for sure, since he's going to be gone for several
weeks.
The store's clerk replies, "well I have one thing, but
it's kind of expensive."
The man asks "is there's anything else?"
The clerk says "not that will for sure work."
So the man says "alright, what is it?"
"Well it's called voodoo d***. How it works is, you
say voodoo d***, then say whatever part of your body
you want it to f***."
Okay the guy says, and buys it. When he brings it home
to his wife, she insists that it is not necessary. He
explains how to use it to her anyways, and leaves on
his trip.
Later that night his wife was curious about the voodoo
d***. So she opened it up, pulled down her panties,
and said "voodoo d*** my *****".
Instantly the voodoo d*** starts f***ing her. She has
several orgasms before she wants it to stop, but she
doesn't know how to get it to stop, and can't figure
it out. So she decides to go to the hospital.
She's driving there, the voodoo d*** still f***ing her
and she's still having orgasms, When a cop sees how
horribly she's driving, and pulls her over.
He walks up to her window, starts telling her what she
has done. When he looks at her and asks "what the f***
are you doing?"
She explains about how her husband didn't want her to
cheat on him while he was away, so he got her the
voodoo d***, and how it works. She also explains to
the officer that she is on the way to the hospital,
because she can't figure out how to get the voodoo
d*** to stop.
When she finishes the policeman laughs and says
"voodoo d*** my ass."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Blonde Joke


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After 1 hour of extreamly acrobatic and exhasuting sex
with a blonde he had just picked up, the guy walked
into the kitchen to get a drink. He pored himself a
glass of milk and thinking to himself that his manhood
was still pretty hot, he flopped his d*** into the
milk. Just as he did that the blonde walked in and
said:
"Ive always wondered how you refilled those".




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gay Joke


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A gay man finally hears the test results from his
doctor. "well, it's positive, I'm afraid you do have
AIDS." Horrified, the man says "My God, is there
anything I can do?" The doctor replies "well, there is
one thing..." "What? what can I do?" The man asks
intently. The doctor sits down and begins writing on
his prescription pad. "OK, I want you to eat 15 cans
of beans, 20 pounds of jalapeno peppers, 18 bananas,
10 boxes of saltines, 8 bags of ravioli, a plate of
nachos, and wash it down with a gallon of prune
juice." The man asks "will that cure me? The doctor
hands the paper to the man and says "no, but it will
teach you what your ass is for."




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gross Joke


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory
lecture to a class of students. Standing over a
corpse, he addressed the class. "There are two things
you need to make a career in medical forensics. First,
you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved
his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. "Now
you must do the same," he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class
did as instructed. "Second," the professor continued,
"you must have an acute sense of observation. For
instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle
finger up this man's anus, but licked my index
finger?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Religious Joke


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A preacher wanted to raise cash for his church and on
being told that there was a fortune in horse racing,
decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However at the local auction, the going price for
horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey
instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as
well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his
surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the
local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS
SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he
entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity
that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey
in another race. The
paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the
preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher
decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The
paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN
TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would
have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a
farmer for 10.00 bucks.
Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR 10.00
bucks
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the
nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains
where it could run wild and free.
Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN
ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Medical Joke


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day a man goes to his daotor and tells him "Hi
Doc, I have a Problem! I dont feel so good can you
help me out?" the Dr. says "I'll give you a check
up...hmmm...i see..you have a fatal illness called
Blocitis." "Is there any medication for that?"he
replies. "Yes there is one but it is a tube to be
shoved up your ass!"says the Dr. "Ok I'll do it"says
the man." the dr. tells him "I'll do the first one
here and you can have your wife do it 1 time a day for
a week."
The Dr. goes and gets a tube, the man pulls down his
pants and bends over. The Dr. goes behind him and
shoves the tube up his ass.
The man goes home and the next day the wife shoves the
tube uphis ass and the man screams"HOLY f***!" his
wife replies"im sorry did I hurt you?" He says "No, of
course not i just realized when the dr. showed me how
to do this he put both his hands on my shoulders!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

School Joke

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The teacher walks into the room. There is two little
girls and one little boy. The teacher turns to the
first little girl and says "I have something round and
soft in this pocket. Can you tell me what it is?" The
little girl says, "it's a apple."The teacher says no
that's wrong, but I like the way you think." So she
turns to the other little girl and says,"I have
something hard and round in this pocket. Can you tell
me what it is?" and the little girl says, "it's an
orange." The teacher says no that's wrong, but I like
the way you think." Then she turns to the little boy
and says,"I'm not going to ask you, because everytime
I ask you something you always come back with
something dirty." The little boy says, "Okay, I have
something round, hard, and it has a head on it in my
pocket. Can you tell me what it is?" and the teacher
said,"see I told you would say something dirty, but
what is it?" The little boy said, "it's a coin, but I
like the way you think."


-------------------------------------------------------

Nuns at the pearly gates.....!!!

A bus full of nuns crashes and all of them die. their
all standing outside the pearly gates. st. peter asks
the first nun "whats the worst thing youve done?" she
starts crying and says she saw a mans erection. st
peter says wash your eyes in the holy fountain and all
will be forgiven. you may pass.
the second nun comes before st peter and he asks her
the same question. she breaks down and says she gave a
man a hand job. he says wash your hands in the holy
fountain and you will be forgiven.
Just then st peter sees a nun cut in the front of the
line. He says there is no need for that. the nun
replies "but i want to wash out my mouth before sister
mary sticks her ass in the fountain."



-------------------------------------------------------

*Thank God?*


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the
desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the
home of a missionary.

Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and
collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him
and nurses him back to health.

Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for
directions to the nearest town. On his way out the
backdoor, he sees this horse.

He goes back into the house and asks the missionary,
"Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I
reach the town?"

The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special
thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to
make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, OK."

So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the
horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank
God, " and the horse starts trotting.

Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank
God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse
just takes off.

Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's
doing everything he can to make the horse stop.

"Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"

Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man leans
back in the saddle and says, "Thank God!"

------------------------------------------------------

the pope's meal


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A new catholic church was constructed and the pope was
to give a great speech at dinner for the opening
ceremony.
Hours before the pope's arrival, the head priest
decided to tour the 20+ acres of beautiful rolling
property the church sat upon.
After walking for a few minutes, the priest came
across a stream and noticed a fisherman was peacefully
enjoying his sport.
Although the man was trespassing, the priest
approached him and asked "Would you mind if I gave
that a try?"
"Sure father", the man replied. "Be my guest."
With rod in hand, the priest cast away and proceeded
to reel in the line, when all of a sudden he got a
huge hit.
After over a half hour of struggle, the priest finally
landed the fish. It was HUGE!!!
"Father," the fisherman said, "you got that
sonofab****!"
"My son I am a man of the cloth. How dare you use that
language in my presence!" the priest replied.
"No father, you don't understand. Sonofab**** is this
fish's name."
Amused the priest asked if he could "keep that
sonofab****", to which the fisherman agreed since it
was caught on church property.
The happy priest ran quickly back to the church where
he was greeted by a nun. "Sister," he exclaimed. "Go
clean this sonofab**** and have the chef prepare it
for tonight's dinner with the pope."
"Father you cannot use that language." replied the
nun.
"No sister. It's OK. That is this fish's correct name.
The fisherman told me so."
So the nun proceeds to the kitchen, cleans the fish
and sets it in front of the chef then boldly states
"The priest wishes this sonofab**** to be prepared as
the main course for tonight's dinner with the pope."
As the chef was about to speak the nun interjected
"Hey, the priest says that's what kind of fish this
is, so it's OK."
Hours pass and the pope finally arrives where he is
lead to an extravegant dining room and seated across
from the priest and the nun.
The chef comes out with a large platter, on it a
beautiful looking prepared fish. The pope smiles.
"I caught that sonofab****." says the priest to the
pope.
"And I cleaned that sonofab****." said the nun.
"And I cooked that sonofab****." said the chef.
With that, the pope looks sternly across the table at
the sinners, reaches into his pocket and removes a
whiskey flask, takes a sip and says "You know, you
f***ers are alright!"

>A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
>She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch,
>but
>knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
>newspaper for a ranch hand.
>
>Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
>
>She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she
>decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
>around
>the house than the drunk.
>
>He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew
>a lot
>about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was
>doing
>very well.
>
>Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
>done a
>really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and
>kick
>up your heels."
>The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
>
>However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and still
>no
>hired hand.
>He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by
>the
>fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.
>
>
>
>
>"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
>Trembling, he did as she directed.
>
>
>
>"Now take off my boots."
>He did so, slowly.
>
>
>
>
>"Now take off my socks."
>He did.
>
>
>
>
>
>"Now take off my skirt."
>He did.
>
>
>
>
>"Now take off my bra."
>Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.
>
>
>
>"Now," she said, "take off my panties."
>He slowly pulled them down and off.......
>
> Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes to
town again,
>I'll fire you on the spot."
>
> And, what are u people thinking of???

A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her
that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig
that did this to you? I want to know!!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour
later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and
distinguished man, with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a
very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He
sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the
girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
However, I can't marry her because of my personal family
situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will
bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a
$1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a
couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is
twins, a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a
miscarriage..."

At this point, the father, who had remained silent all this
time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells
him: "You'll f*** her again!!!"

Bill Gates Faces God

Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one.
I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped
society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in
the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do
something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you
want to go!"

Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, Lord. What's the difference between
the two?" God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will
help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure!" said Bill.

"Let's go!" Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear
waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running
around,playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was
shining and the temperature was just perfect!

Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!"
To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white
clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps
and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell.

Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision.
"God,I do believe I would like to go to Hell." As you desire," said God.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see
how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among
the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair.
"This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the
beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, THAT!" said God. "That was the screen saver".

Subject: Indians in UK

Three Indians and three English are travelling by train to a
cricket match at the World Cup in England. At the station,
the three English guys each buy a ticket and watch as the
three Indians buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?"
asks one of the English.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the Indians.

They all board the train. The English take their respective
seats but all three Indians cram into a toilet and close the
door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the
conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the
toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a
crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The
conductor takes it and moves on. The English see this and
agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they
decide to copy the Indians on the return trip and save some
money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for
the return trip. To their astonishment, the Indians don't
buy a ticket at all "How are you going to travel without a
ticket?" says one perplexed English guys. "Watch and learn,"
answers an Indian.

When they board the train the three English guys cram into a
toilet and soon after the three Indians cram into another
nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Indians
leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the English
are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please".

> Marriage (Part I)
> Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
> wedding, he laid down the following rules:
> "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't
> expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table
> unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,
> fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies
> and don't you give me a hard time about it.
> Those are my rules. Any comments?"
>
> His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
> will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or
> not."
>
> (SHE'S GOOD!)
> =======================
> Marriage (Part II)
>
> Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
> anniversary!
> The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
> 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'
> "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
> reads,
> "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"
>
> (HE ASKED FOR IT!)
> =======================
> Marriage (Part III)
> Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
> table.
> Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either,"
> and storms out of the house.
> After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
> rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated
> husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
> She says, "I was in bed."
> "In bed this early, doing what?"
> "Getting a second opinion!"
>
> (YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
> ==========================================
> Marriage (Part IV)
> A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
> proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in
> spite of
> her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides
> that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to
> leave as well.
> He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"
> His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right
> back,"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
>
> (RIGHT ON, LADY!)
> ===========================
> God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft
> before the masterpiece.

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation
in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife
the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.
They were looking forward to a pleasant weather and nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and
the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal
to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem
and it would do no good to complain. Upon arrival at the hotel the next
day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather
was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold.

The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.
He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent
his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

* This is where the funny part is :

His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife
whose husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail,
she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife, Departed yesterday as you know. Just got checked in. Some confusion at the gate.
Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband.

** P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

Q: Why do men have pubic hair?
A: A nest for their bird...
Q: Why do women have pubic hair?
A: A resting place for the coming bird !!!


Girlfriends are appetizers, Tastes good at any time.
Mistresses are Tomyams, Hot and spicy...Eaten frequently. WIVES are Maggie, Eaten when there's nothing to eat.!!!


Income Tax office asked a Prostitute why she puts her occupation as CHCKEN FARMER. She replied : I RAISED 5,000 COCKS LAST YEAR.!!


A Girl who opens her hand receives gifts.
Open her heart receives love.
But when she opens her legs, she receives happiness.


Why do Indians talk non stop?
Guess....
Still dunno?
Ok lah....
Answer : Bcos they left their full stop on their forehead.