hope this is not a repost

[A priest cannot lie

A distinguished looking young lady is on a flight returning from Switzerland. She finds herself seated next to a priest and asks “Excuse me father, may I ask a favour of you?”

“Well of course Miss, what can I do for you?” he replies.
“Here's the dilemma, I purchased for myself, a superbly sophisticated electronic hair remover. I paid a lot of money for it. I really went well over the limits set forth by Customs, and I fear they will confiscate it from me. Could you perhaps secret it through Customs for me under your robes?”
“I certainly could my dear, only I must warn you I really am not ever able to lie...”

“You have such an honest face father, surely they will never ask any questions of you,” and with that she hands him the hair remover.

After landing they proceed through Customs and it becomes the father’s turn in line.

“Father, do you have anything to declare?” asks the Custom’s officer.
“From the top of my head to my waist I have nothing to declare my son.”

Finding this answer a little strange the custom's officer proceeds to ask, “And from the waist to the floor, what do you have to declare?”

The father replies, “I have a marvellous little instrument destined to be used on a woman, but which has never yet been used...”

Roaring with laughter the Custom's officer says, “Go right through father. Next!”

Post before..

xD

Magic Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two, shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... “Go get your mother.”

LOL

hope this is not a repost
my credit card before I die.

Morbid, yes. Funny, maybe. Read on for the reasons.

Apparently the following conversation is real and it has been circulating on the Internet and emails for some time now.

This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now, it's somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the actual conversation that transpired:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.' (What is wrong with these people??)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help...'

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery !' ?

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

What The Hack -_____-

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, “What's your IQ?”
The man replies, “150”, and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming, factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, “This is really cool.”, and decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, “What's your IQ?”
“About a 100,” the man responds.
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about football, the Bathurst 1000, cricket, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and the like.
Really impressed, the man leaves then walks in again.
“What's your IQ?” the robot asks.
“Er, 50, I think.”
And the robot responds, very, very slowly, “So, I expect you'll be supporting Manchester United again this year?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy walked into a British antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?" The owner replied: "It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story."

The guy gave the owner his $12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the river, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.

By now very concerned, He ran down to the edge and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and they were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"

"No," he said "I came back to see if you've got a bronzed Manchester United supporter."

---

Added on March 25, 2009, 8:46 amA mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the embalming ropes.

He walked into the embalming room where a corpse was lying on the table. Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss, he began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement there was a cork in its arse.
Mystified, he pulled it out, and immediately heard; "Glory glory Man United......." come out the guys butt.

Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the corpse and ran up the stairs to find his mentor; "Sir, you've got to come down and help me, I've just seen something I can't believe."

Annoyed by the naivety of his assistant, he said OK and followed him downstairs; "There, look at the cork in the arse of that body, I couldn't imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please you do it."

The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked to the table and removed the cork, and sure enough:- "Glory Glory Man Utd...." began to play.

Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its appointed position, turned to his assistant and said: "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of ar$eholes sing that song."


This post has been edited by Glocker: Mar 25 2009, 08:46 AM

haha... LOL. Good MU jokes. Sure to pissed off some devils fans.

hope this is not a repost...



WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?


HUSBAND:
Definitely not!


WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?


HUSBAND:
Of course I do.


WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?


HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.


WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).


HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).


WIFE:
Would you live in our house?


HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.


WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?


HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?


WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?


HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.


WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?


HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.


WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?


HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.


WIFE: - silence - -


HUSBAND: - F**K! ......

LOL HUSBAND SCREWED!

Ahhhh, email jokes. Yes, it's a fake and may already be mentioned:

THE BEST Put Down LINE EVER

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. Read his his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.

---

Added on May 22, 2009, 12:58 amComputer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________

4. Problem Severity: A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Strange Smell__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers" try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__

11. Did they make it even worse? Yes__

12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe__ No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself. __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________

17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________

18. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in? __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________

19. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR?__

21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__

23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes__ No__

24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__

26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet__

27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__

---

Added on May 22, 2009, 12:59 amIntroducing the Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge software:

B.O.O.K.

BOOK is a revolutionary technological breakthrough: no wires, no electric currents, no batteries. Nothing to be connected or switched on. So easy to use, even a child can operate it! Compact, portable, it can be used anywhere — even on a beach, yards from a power point. Yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc! Here's how it works:

BOOK is constructed of literally hundreds of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom fit device (a "binder") which maintains each sheet in its correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows the manufacturer to utilize BOTH sides of each sheet, thus doubling information density while cutting costs. Sheets are scanned optically, registering information directly to the brain — the most efficient interface yet developed!

And simple: a flick of a finger takes you to the next sheet!

BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it!

BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting. The "browse" feature permits you to move instantly to any single sheet, AND move forward and backward as you wish. Forget scrolling arrows or multiple key commands! BOOK often comes with an "index" feature which pinpoints the exact sheet location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open book at THE EXACT PLACE YOU LEFT IT IN A PREVIOUS SESSION ... even if BOOK has been closed!

Best of all, BOOKmarks fit universal design standards ...any BOOKmark can be used in any BOOK by any manufacturer!

A brand new BOOKmark can even be used in a BOOK that predates it by months, even years!

Should you wish to store numerous views in a single book, multiple BOOKmarks can be used.

You also have the option to make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as the precursor of a new information-delivery wave. BOOK's appeal is so certain that thousands of self-employed content creators (like me) have committed to the platform, and edit technicians are evaluating their submissions.

---

Added on May 22, 2009, 12:59 amDear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and
you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older
than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people
that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a
report card That's in my center desk drawer.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

---

Added on May 22, 2009, 1:00 amOne summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town. On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his congregation, "There isn't anything that will save us except to pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain."

The people did as they were told and returned to church the following Sunday. But as soon as the parson saw them, he was furious.

"We can't worship today. You do not yet believe," he said.

"But," they protested, "we prayed, and we do believe."

"Do you?" he asked. "Then where are your umbrellas?"

---

Added on May 22, 2009, 1:00 amCould Noah build his ark today?

If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.

First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices.
Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.

Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.

Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.

The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'.

And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years."

Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

---

Added on May 22, 2009, 1:01 amFunny Anagrams...

Dormitory — Dirty Room

Evangelist — Evil's Agent

Desperation — A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code — Here Come Dots

Slot Machines — Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity — Is No Amity

Mother-in-law — Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms — Alas! No More Zs

Alec Guinness — Genuine Class

Semolina — Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries — Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point — I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes — That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two — Twelve plus one

Contradiction — Accord not in it

---

Added on May 22, 2009, 1:01 amMore Anagrams

A Case Of Mistaken Identity = Testimony Indicates A Fake
Campbell Soup = Placebo Lumps
Bottoms Up! = Pubs' Motto
Dreamworks = Mad Workers
Esquire Magazine = I'm A Queen-Size Rag
Francis Ford Coppola = Cold Popcorn Affairs
General Motors = Enlarges Motor / Or Great Lemons
Hello Kitty = Kill The Toy
International Business Machines = Secret Businessman Annihilation
Jerry Seinfeld = Friendly Jeers
KLM Royal Dutch Airlines = Land Hairy – Kill Customers
Love Is Blind = Blond Is Evil
McDonald's Restaurants = Uncle Sam's Standard Rot
Newcastle Brown Ale = Locals Want New Beer
Olympus = So Lumpy
Pittance = A Cent Tip
Q...
Raiders Of The Lost Ark = Ford, the Real Star, Is OK
Silence of the Lambs = Con Bites Male Flesh
Tom Cruise = So I'm Cuter
Universal Pictures = Surplus In Creative
Venus Williams = Values Slim Win
Windows Two Thousand = Shutdowns Now Do Wait
X...
Year Two Thousand = A Year To Shut Down
Z...

---

Added on May 22, 2009, 1:02 amA Nun Grading Papers
Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3 .. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7 MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSS UMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

---

Added on May 22, 2009, 1:02 amBirth control

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"

Birthday Traditions

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat ...

... and nearly drowned!

Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'

Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your father, your grandfather, and your great grandfather were born in January when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you idiot.

---

Added on May 22, 2009, 1:03 amWrong Delivery

A new business was opening and one of the owners friends sent flowers for the occasion.

However when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said, "Rest In Peace".
The owner was a little peeved, and he called the florist to complain.

After he told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, "Sir I`m really sorry for the mistake."

Then the florist added, "But rather than getting angry, you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying — 'Congratulations On Your New Location'."

---

Added on May 22, 2009, 1:05 amFUN.ANTIZODIAC

RAT: 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008
Ambitious and sincere, you can be generous with your financial
resources. You are good at giving people an offer they can't
refuse. Too bad you are an ugly sonovab****. Nobody likes you,
but they put up with you for your accounting abilities.
Most RATs become involved in organized crime.
Compatible with the Dragon and Monkey; your opposite is the Horse.

OX : 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009
A leader, you are bright and cheerful.
At least you like to think you are. You are so desperate to be
accepted by others that you frequently make promises that you
cannot keep. Maybe you could get more things done if you trimmed
off half your weight. Most SantaClaus impersonators are Ox's.
Compatible with the Snake and Rooster; your opposite is the Sheep.

TIGER: 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010
Forthright and sensitive, you posses great courage.
You are so impatient to do heroic things that you rarely
bother to sit down and think things out. You love to embrace
"good causes" and you will probably die in poverty because of it.
Many TIGERs are killed in heroic deeds like running into burning
houses or jumping into freezing rivers.
Compatible with the Horse and Dog; your opposite is the Monkey.

RABBIT: 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011
Talented and affectionate, you are a seeker of tranquility.
Difficult situations upset you. RABBITs are frequently found
with their heads in the ground. You are afraid to try anything
new. Then you wonder why the world has passed you by.
RABBITs usually end up as a side dish in someone else's dinner.
Compatible with the Sheep and Boar; your opposite is the
Rooster.

DRAGON: 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012
Robust and passionate, your life is filled with complexity.
You are the epitomy of "Chaotic Control". No one understands
what you are doing. Sometimes you don't understand what you are
doing. You build your own world then wonder why it doesn't match
the real one. People call you "space cadet" behind your back.
You give great first impressions. The second one gives you away.
Most DRAGONs quote Dan Quayle in their speeches.
Compatible with the Monkey; Your opposite is the Dog.

BOAR: 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007
Gallant and noble, your friends will remain at your side...
...as long as you keep up the payments.You do good work ; as long
as you know what you are doing. That is very rare. Most of the
time, you need people to tell you what to do. Your friends are only
using you. Many low level Soviet officials are BOARs. For that
matter, so are many American politicians.
Compatible with the Rabbit and Sheep; your opposite is the Snake

DOG: 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006
Generous and loyal you have the ability to work well with others.
That's because they can see right through you. Everything
is simple and straight forward to you. Your conversation and
speeches are limited to the bloody obvious. No one takes you
seriously. You are willing to die for causes you believe in and
people take advantage of that. Many DOG's die in prison.
Compatible with the Horse and Tiger; your opposite is the Dragon

SNAKE: 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001
Strong willed and intense, you display great wisdom.
You dream of becomming president some day. Trouble is, noone
believes anything you say anymore. You have no friends, only
political allies. You're also a coward. "Live to run another day"
is your motto. But that's allright. The people you hang out with
holds those qualities in high regard. SNAKEs are elected to
congress.
Compatible with the Rooster and Ox; your opposite is the BOAR.

ROOSTER: 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005
Seeking wisdom and truth, you have a pioneering spirit.
You are always running off into some silly adventure. You are
also running away from creditors from your last failed adventure.
Karl Marx was thinking of you when he wrote "Das Kapital".
You watch contact sports when noone is looking.
ROOSTERs group together and compare how many times they
have declared bankrupcy.
Compatible with the Snake and Ox; your opposite is the Rabbit.

MONKEY: 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004
Persuasive and intelligent you strive to excel.
People think you are an *******. You're not above using little
children to make a quick buck. You'd be in jail now if it wasn't
for the fact you own the best lawyers money can buy. MONKEY's
make the best yuppies. You disgust me so much I'm going to stop
writing.
Compatible with the Dragon and Rat; Your opposite is the TIGER.

SHEEP: 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003
Aesthetic and stylish you enjoy being a private person.
You shirk responsibility and live in fear of getting a phone call.
Your best friend is the VCR. You think wall paper makes the best
paintings. You have this uncanny ability to cast dark clouds
into any party. According to Darwin, you shouldn't exist.
Compatible with the Boar and Rabbit; your opposite is the OX.

HORSE: 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002
Physically attractive and popular, you like the company of others.
You trip alot because your nose is always in the air.
People think you are an air-head. You could solve Ethiopia's
famine with the money you spend on cosmetics. People stick
close to you because they are afriad of what you will say if
they ever turn their backs. HORSE's win popularity contests
in high school then go on to a long career in blue-collar.
Compatible with the Tiger and Dog; your opposite is the Rat.

Division of Human Resources
Dept of Stereotyping
Personnel Evaluation Group

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Added on May 22, 2009, 1:16 amFirst-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing", he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them -
"The second most important quality is "Observation'".

"I stuck in my middle finger in, and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

This post has been edited by lookig4room: May 22 2009, 01:16 AM

so enjoyable reading all dis stuff

i dont get the last one

Elephants are truly wonderful.

I'm not going soft, but sometimes I like these heartwarming stories, and this one truly is amazing.

In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

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Added on June 15, 2009, 10:23 pmMale or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

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Added on June 15, 2009, 10:35 pmThe Birth Order of Children.............

Your Clothes

* 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
* 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
* 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing For Birth

* 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
* 2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
* 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette

* 1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, colour-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
* 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
* 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries

* 1st baby: At the first sign of distress – a whimper, a frown – you pick up the baby.
* 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
* 3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier

* 1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
* 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
* 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering

* 1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
* 2nd baby: You change his diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
* 3rd baby: You try to change his diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to his knees.

Activities

* 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
* 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out

* 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
* 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
* 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home

* 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
* 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
* 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins

* 1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
* 2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
* 3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance.

Things About Children............

1. You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.
.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
.
3. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
.
4. There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it."
.
5. Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
.
6. I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
.
7. Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
.
8. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
.
9. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
.
10. We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting IN!
.
11. Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.

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Added on June 16, 2009, 1:30 amWhy Men Do The Barbeque......................

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ... the following chain of events are put into motion…

1. The woman buys the food.
.
2. The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.
.
4. Here comes the important part........ THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
.
5. More routine..... The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
.
7. Important again........ THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
.
8. More routine..... The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
.
10. And most of all..... Everyone PRAISES the man and THANKS him for his cooking efforts.
.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.” And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

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Added on June 16, 2009, 1:41 amA farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed. His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied;

"Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.

As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!"

This post has been edited by lookig4room: Jun 16 2009, 01:41 AM

Wow the last 1 is the funniest 1..cant imagine a cow and man with his pants down

All veryt funny haha

Note Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:

My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that
you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you
and I value you as a good wife.. Therefore, after reading this letter, I
hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be
spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn
Hotel. Please don't be upset, I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on
the dining room table:

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old... I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths
teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the
Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant
tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years
old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths,
you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one
small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into
18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

hahahaha. ~!~