"Can you smell anything?" I asked my wife.

"No," she replied.

"Me neither," I said, "Now get in the kitchen."

The Car of the Year for 2017, as voted by Woman magazine is:

A Blue one

I pulled a chick the last night and took her back to my house. As I lay back on the bed, she slowly unbuttoned my jeans and said, "Fancy a blow job?"

"Of course", I replied, "but I must warn you, the last girl gagged on my cock."
"Oooo! Big is it?" She giggled.

"No, I never wash it."

The wife turned to me last night and said, "Turn the lamp off and you can stick it up my arse."

Maybe I should've let the bulb cool down first though.

If light travels faster than the speed of sound…

How come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

A bad workman always blames his fools… Tools, I meant tools. Stupid keyboard…

I’m a virgin by choice. Not my choice, but everyone else’s.

90% of being married is shouting “WHAT?” from other rooms.

I'm not sure what to get my wife for Christmas...

There's so many household cleaners to choose from.

I bumped into my ex in town earlier, I said: "How's your new boyfriend?"

"He's twice the man you are," she sneered, "what about your new woman?"

I said, "thankfully she's half the woman you are."

"Diana!" I said greeting my Mother-In-Law as she walked through the door...

She said, "My name's Anna."

I said, "Yeah, I know."

I pulls up at the traffic lights next to a stunning looking girl.
I smiles at her and winds his window down. She smiles back and winds her window down.
I said ' have you farted as well?'

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said ..GOD .. "what's a river ??

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the Hill......"
Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On The other side of the hill you will find a cave.."
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?' So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under His breath), "Geez....." and then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience wearing thin, said Angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said....
*
*

*
*
*
"What's a Headache?"

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:

1) Stop writing lists.
B) Be more consistent.

Rule number one after purchasing a parrot.

Teach it to say: "Help they have turned me into a parrot!"

I hate people that dislike football but go along to games to deliberately cause trouble and ruin it for everybody else!

.
Fucking referees.

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

I was in a Chinese restaurant last night when a duck came up to me, gave me a rose and said, "Your eyes sparkle like Diamonds"


I immediately called the waiter over and said "What's this? I ordered AROMATIC duck"

~when I was just a little girl~~
~I asked my mother what will I be~
~ will I be pretty? will I be rich?~
~Here's what she said to me.~

"SON WE NEED TO TALK."

It's funny how my missus sits up all night, waiting for me to come back from the pub..

Just to ask me what time it is.