nobody in real life would use the word f*cking like this anyways.

I was devastated when I heard about my friends death due to his sex life...

His girlfriends husband shot him.

I tried to log on to my computer this morning but it wouldn't let me in.

I shouted to my wife, "Babe, have you changed the password on the PC?"

"Yes honey."

"What is it?"

"It's the date of our anniversary."

i tot it was 'The date when we first met.' ?

boohoo memory lapse again boohoo

My wife spends every night in town, going into pub after pub.

And she always f*cking finds me.


This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Jul 25 2012, 04:27 PM

As me and the wife headed off on a romantic holiday we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other.

She said, "I've always wanted to be handcuffed."

So I planted exact bomb replica in her suitcase.

The head of the Somali Olympic squad has apologised to officials on behalf of their team after realising that shooting and sailing were two separate events.

bahahaha nice pun

I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately.

The most common one seems to be "You said you'd be home from the pub three f*cking hours ago!"

main reason why men shouldn't get into this marriage thing so early

Well done Danny Boyle.

Nothing says "London" better than youths setting fire to stuff.

I thought it would be funny to hide the toilet roll when my wife was taking a shit.

I wasn't laughing when I brushed my teeth the next morning.

Monday Morning Optimism:

Having the eternal belief that you're always 1/3 of the way to a threesome.

just had to share this =D

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.

"Wow!" comments the midget. "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?"

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"

James Bond: Skyfall

Starring the Queen

I phoned the local radio station today. The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."

"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" he asked. "It's a maths question."

"Well, I've got a degree in maths and teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.

"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Justin Bieber concert and to meet him back stage what is 2+2?"

"7" I replied.

lololololololol

haha

Liam Gallagher, Russell Brand, George Michael, Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell...

It's a good job they don't do drug tests for the closing ceremony.

A teacher said to the class,

"George Washington cut down his father's tree with an axe. But his father didn't punish him - does anyone know why?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and said,
"Because George Washington was still holding the axe."