Just wanna find out, will you stay with your bf/husband's family members whenyou have your own house?
What will you do if u really can't find the best way to get along with the family members?

well in my Opinion u have to discuss with ur half.... if u got problems with his family then if he is understanding enough he will discuss the matter with u and his parents and get permission to move out i guess

but when u moved out remember to visit them often... family is the most important assets u have in life... dun just abandon them when u moved out

well, I tried, obviously I'm putting him in a very difficult position..
I know it's not really a big deal whether they're around or not, but I really don't like the feelings of having some kind of strangers around..
They're not really courteous anyway.. plus I had problems communicating with them, especially when the whole family is kinda conservative & traditional.

This post has been edited by yee_voon: Apr 7 2008, 11:44 AM

yeah understand that situation.... thats y a relationship is abt communicating

so u know u put him under some difficulties coz for him to choose between u and his parents is really hard

so if he is willing to move out but insist on coming back on the weekends to have dinners and stuff then u sld compromise his request also ....
its all abt communication and compromising in a relationship

so discuss with him and dun pressure him to much coz he really is under a lot of pressure in deciding such matter... in his shoe... either decision will sacrifice 1 party he love and the one that got hurt the most is himself.....

It's not his parents but his siblings. We bought a house recently & the parent assume that we're going to stay together to look out for each other. So the siblings move in, gave a minimal rental & we shared almost everything. It really doesn't matter to me whether they want to give me money or share things at home. It's just that they've been very selfish and never contributed anything to be part of the family. They're simply treating my house as a hostel and it's worse than having a housemate.

I know I'm outnumbered because of the way I think. I know I sound very selfish to most of the people. I really won't mind visiting them as long as we don't stay together. Just that I think they've been taking things for granted just because they think they're staying with their brother, not outsiders & my other half is not good at making things clear enough. Of course I don't expect them to change, I really just hope that they'll aware that we ought to have our own life & we're not suppose to rely on our closest kin as long as we can be independent about it.

I know everyone is going to blame me if I ever voiced out, the parent's going to blame me for being selfish & definitely my other half & I are not going to be happy.

I just want to be understood.


This post has been edited by yee_voon: Apr 7 2008, 02:12 PM

If both of you can afford a new home financially, i don't see why both of you can't move out and have your own space and home.
Afterall, moving out would be much better to the relationship in the long run. Staying together is only viable if everyone gets along fine with each other. Which is impossible as everyone has different characters.

I would suggest you to try sell your idea to your spouse. But don't make it like you had to move out because you don't agree with his siblings. Just emphasize on the note that you wanted privacy with him, and a house totally to the both of you can be fun. Just think about getting the chance to wear skimpy clothes just for him, candle lit dinner, breakfast in bed , etc...

You are not selfish in wanting happiness. Everyone deserves some little comfort in this harsh world. I would never enjoy staying with my in laws under the same roof for 365 days anyway.

We've already bought the house, it's the siblings that moved in & we have no valid reasons to ask them to move out. & by asking my spouse to open up his mouth is almost killing him

if its their siblings then another story.... y dun they live with their parents.....
sometimes siblings of the other half can be annoying and its ur right to get ur private life from them ..... if ur other half's siblings are understanding enough they wont be acting that way... how old are they anyway....

if its ur hus then u sld discuss the matter with them bout the rules and stuff.... if they want to stay.... discuss with ur hubby

not saying u being selfish and stuff but sibling sld go out being independent and not relying on ppl to much if nt they wont grow

Felt so relieved after seeing what u wrote. fyi, the siblings came to city to work while the parent stay in hometown.
I told my spouse exactly the same thing, but it just never get into his head.
Both of the siblings are in their 20s & they're already working (both are girls, btw). I don't understand why they can be so thick-skinned enough to stay on after so long. My spouse & I've been quarrelling quite loudly over them & I'm pretty sure they've heard abt it, but they never even thought of moving out!
I don't want to say anythg coz I'm not in the position to (We're legally married but haven't gone through the ceremony, so the family didn't really acknowlege it) .. so I had no choice but to turn to my spouse..but again.. he doesn't know what to say & how to convince the parent that we need privacy.

sigh~

This post has been edited by yee_voon: Apr 7 2008, 02:43 PM

i think ..you and hubby discuss about this seriously,and for the siblings, ask hubby to set expectation,see how long they will stay? i know they give you trouble,but in parents 's eye,if brother (ur hubby) got house also can not let sister to stay,then it sounds crue.i agree they are also adults,but jus give a shelter for them and ask how long give they stay temporary.hope u can settle this asap or else, close to the siblings and then u can notify them anything that u like/dislike haha

marriage is a matter of 2 person
if u have registered u r legally married ... their acknowledgment does not affect ur marriage....
if this matter goes on dragging it wld be troublesome.... so the only thing u can do is to have a family meeting between all parties in the hus i.e ur hubby and the 2 sister... IMO they probably be staying for a long time down the road... so u better make the rules clear in the hus

ur hubby will have the mentality that "yeah they are my sister and im responsible for their safety and well being in this city..."
its normal that ur hubby have this type of thinking as i assume that ur hubby is a responsible and a reliable men and thats the man u love but let him know as well that u need his caring and understanding

dun quarrel any more as it wont help.... discuss it peacefully ... right timing and i think he will understand

I strongly agree with what you say. I tried hard enough, I think. I really don't understand how the siblings communicate & I've stated my stake to my spouse clear enough that I am not going to let anyone ruin our relationships. I understand his responsibilities although I don't agree with the way he deals with it.
We'll see how it goes. If things still don't improve, I'll just have to do something.
Thanks anyway

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Added on April 7, 2008, 3:14 pmyup, that's what I told my spouse & he agreed with me too, but he's just not brave enough to break the news.

This post has been edited by yee_voon: Apr 7 2008, 03:14 PM

good luck to u k....

oh.. the siblings moves in....
It would have save more hassles if it had been a one room dwelling, isn't that so ?

Probably i should share my experiences with you.
At those times, i wish my house were much smaller , that we don't have to face these unwanted guest problems..

I have a brother in law who used to stay with us for more than a year. He's single and very much older than us. He's jobless and eating and living at our generosity.

I actually wouldn't mind having relatives as close as siblings status staying together. But in this case, i totally have lack of respect for him.

first of all, he has been jobless eversince he came to stay with us. Stay up late to read novels until 3 or god knows what hour in the late night with the light and air-cond running. Wakes up at 1 or 2 pm in the afternoon.
This person does not even bother to help pay for the electricity or utilities or foods that we put on the table for him. Do we owe him a living ? No.

so, i did a very bad thing, which i have no regret for it, for it helps to settle my problem. I started making reference to him indirectly as someone who is useless whenever the kids did something wrong. He became the fine example to my child disciplining hour. Probably he got the message after a few of these sessions which i conveniently held right in front of his bedroom door.

After that episode, he no longer comes a free calling to stay in our house.
And what i gather from his other sibling, he is a totally alchoholic person who spends and never save a cent for rainy day. He even takes ( better term would be 'borrow', but he never returns what he borrows anyway ) money from his sibling who is a single working mom. A useless creature in this world.


so, compare your spouse's siblings with this, i think mine is worst off.
The question i had about your siblings spouse would be, how old are they now? Are they old enough to start their own life and family ?
Is their family home too small to hold their siblings housed there?

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about your experience. I believed I would have gone crazy if I were to stay with a person like that.
But anyway, this two sisters are in their 20s & both of them are working.
They do pay a minimal rental to their brother, but they just simply think that by paying that amount of rental means they have a share of everything at home. I don't mind if they're really nice & courteous enough to me but somehow I don't feel so. More like I felt like I was being taken advantaged of just because I'm considerate & helpful.
From the moment they informed us that they want to move in, I helped them shift in, buy/cook their meals for them for free, even invite them to join my spouse & I for shopping in weekends, they never bother to appreciate it or even say a simple word as "thank you" or "sorry to trouble you" etc. All they do is just keep quiet and accept things that are given to them.
I can understand if the sisters have low pay & trying hard to struggle for their life. But they can afford to go out EVERY SATURDAY, buy new handphones, go concert, I don't understand why they just get a new place & leave (I guess because I've got everythg equipped such as internet, washing machine, water heater etc).
Luckily for me, I haven't have any kids. & When I look at my spouse, I'm just as disappointed that he didn't make things clear in the first place of what are our priorities, not even mentioning the rules & regulations that they should be aware of. Now I feel like I'm like a tenant, I come home, hide in the room straight after having my meal.
I felt so mentally stressed out.. I confronted my spouse for so many times, whether it started out with soft discussion or big fight. I even threatened to move out. But he just can't bring himself to sort things out with the sisters rationally and calmly.
I've come to a point where I just remain silence and not saying anythg anymore. I don't know how long I can endure with this. I really need someone to tell my spouse straight to his face:"be fair to me!"

Looks like peoples had been taking advantage of your kind generosity warmth gestures in the beginning. It might had been better if lines has been drawn in the beginning. The outlook of your current position doesn't looks good.
Being in early 20's, that's still a long way off until they marries off. And till then, i don't think there is any option for you.

Your spouse would had a hard time certainly, on one hand he has to take care of his own siblings, and on the other he can't neglects yours.

If there is no way out, how about looking for a smaller apartment ? Sell off the current property, and move to a new one, that only has one bedroom ? It helps to downsized too, financially and mentally too.

It would be easier this way than to abruptly tell them to leaves and sour the ties even further.

I don't think you can count on him to tell on his siblings. 'family' to a guy is always something very sensitive, even if they are on the wrongs.

I did think of it, but there isn't any valid reasons for me to do so.. unless we told them we're bankrupt?!
I understand the difficult situation I've put him into, but I've also warned him earlier coz I already foreseen things like this will happen but he just never listened.
A man like him will expect me to obey him & be understanding, which is something I can't tolerate anymore.

If you loves him enough, you will still tolerates till the end of day.

Reason ? How about being nearer to your office or his ?
Or maybe a new home with better facilities ? I know of a family who moves out from a double storey terrace house to a condominium just because they wanted the pool and gym facilities.

Don't push your man any further, i think he's close to break down point for him too.

Try consider getting a new place, it will be a better alternative way out, and better for everyone. Since there is no other better ways to tell the girls to moves out. It would makes you looks like a villains and you will end up being the bad one.

if u are rich enough buy an extra property and move in
that hus collect rent ....
just an opinion thou

agree with chillcandy
ur man is at a breaking point

Well, the place I'm staying now is the most strategic place to my working place..
To tell the truth, I really have no other reasons to ask the sisters to move out anymore, neither do him.
Which is why I've been struggling really hard, I believe he does too.
In fact, there's nothing much we can do unless the sisters choose to move out by themselves (which I don't know when).
But I'm really grateful to know that I'm supported, I've been feeling so depressed coz of them, I feel so bad of letting everything out on my spouse but there isn't anything I can do.

But at least, I feel that I'm normal here. I really hope one day the sisters can just move out after realizing this themselves. I really hope they're mature enough to think on behalf on others one day.

Thanks again!

how about a long holiday to rejuvenate both of your hurts souls right now ?
It's better to get away , even on a short term method than hiding in your bedroom everyday after work.

You two needs to get out of the house more often. Try short holidays every weekend too. good luck!

well , i am guy , stay with my wife parent cos i just working , salary wise not bad but still not enof to own a house, moreover i from johor , my wife from kl , i working at kl , so no choices to stay with them . come to worst , we just had a kid .

well , staying at ppl house is not nice , morever i am a guy , so some ppl will look down on me . y wife prarent still considerate good , they treat me very good but i still felt that no privacy , althought i live at 3rd floor... i always in the room ...

worst come is we are married bcos of kids , after knowing for 1 one . how we know each other ? one night stand , she offer me sex .

after few times of sex , we finally steady . and now after the kid born , we had alot of argument , especially with kid and money problem ...

erm , i think i will be divorce with her soon, not now , bcos of kids ...

right now i still stay at her parent place , obviously her parent don know ... towards this gals , i had no feeling d , we din have sex for almost a year , a proper one ..

so stay with other half is terrible , worst when couple are fighting ...

so i considerate poor or damn ??

i deserved that or not ..blamed on being poor ...hahah ....


wan to divorce also no money , gals over here maybe u will say that i am bad , actually is to do both of us good , do u willing to live with a person for 30 40 years that u do not have any feeling ??

well, i plan to do that , cos no other way for me...kids ,parents pressure, money , realiti

This post has been edited by lunacy: Apr 8 2008, 12:01 AM

yeah..we did that too.. Can you believe that we actually went for numerous trips in a year?! Haha.. & I was always the one planning it all the time. Well, not that I didn't enjoy it, but more like when I feel like I'm the only one having fun, enjoying the freedom but he seemed bored.

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Added on April 8, 2008, 9:29 amI can understand what u're trying to say, and I also agree with u that marriage without love is miserable.
although things can't be undone, but maybe u can talk to your wife about it?
Yup, things like money, kids, pressure from our family do add up to the stress, but it's abit unfair for your kid, at least.. is there really no turning back?

I'm saying this because I know my family affected me alot in the way I think now (perspective of life, marriage, sense of security etc) & I can't do anything about it despites I've realized this long time ago. Some psychology factors really give strong impacts to people that no one else can understand it unless u've been through it.




This post has been edited by yee_voon: Apr 8 2008, 09:29 AM

lunacy problem's sounded more grave...
anyway, as most who married out of responsibilities more than because of love, it's kind of doom from the start.
My sis in law is the same case. They were divorced now. Because they fights alot even during their courtship, and got married because a child came along.
They did tried staying together for 2 years, and eventually broke up.
The same thing, the guy and her staying with the girl's parents.

so, lunacy, if you can manage, and if you really want to give this marriage a chance to work, do MOVE OUT !
Rent a room or whatever. I'm sure you two can manage. The worst is when staying with the girl's parents. When two person fights, the guy lost.
And the girl would never grow up to be an independant woman, and think of her new family. For the guy part, everyone in the house would not look highly of him, and in the long term he will suffer lost of confidence and morale setback.

Yup, agree too.. u don't really need to buy a house, can always rent one.

This post has been edited by yee_voon: Apr 8 2008, 04:26 PM

hmmm, even rent also not enof money ... how ?? too much of commitment ....

never mind la ... let it be lo ...

to be a guy , u must learn to give in sometimes....hahaha ....

Don't simply think for divorce, it's unfair to ur kid =)
Be responsible do ur kid.

Well, work it out slowly.. but the most important thing is to voice it out to your wife..
I realize that guys usually don't voice out (especially typical Asian, hehe).. but actually, voicing out is a good way to release your tension, it's also a good way to let her know what you're thinking

already voice out everything i can ... but seriously , i don thini of any , not angry anymore , in fact no feeling d ...

cant help to say even anger also don have d , no to say love ...

Maybe it's really nothing much you can do.. ..
Just take whatever necessary actions you can do minimize the hurt for everyone..
Life still goes on, so you have to do things that mean the best for you, but you should also consider the feelings of people around you.
All the best, yah?

need to see if she wan to do thing best or not ..one hand doesnt clap ....

if you can't get along with your husband/wife's family, you don't really have a choice but to put up with them. My mom doesn't get along with my dad's younger brother but she tolerates him because my dad loves his brother.

yup..I know how you feel. Just take it easy, if she still doesn't want to do anything, just do whatever you have to as long as you can cover your kid's feelings..

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Added on April 11, 2008, 8:39 amIt's fine tolerating their presence as long as you don't stay with them, that's the max I can take

This post has been edited by yee_voon: Apr 11 2008, 08:39 AM

No And Never.

TS,

From your postings here, it sounds like you're a very grounded person so it must be pretty bad for you to not be able to handle it. For the life of me, I can't see a painless solution here. It's either a quick and painful one (if I were in the position, this is when I'd have to come up with some kind of ultimatum) or a long and painful one (just keep quiet and endure). Taking holidays to get away is a short-term temporary reprieve. Not a solution. I feel for you and I hope things work out soon. I'd go absolutely nuts if I were you!

By the way, this thread has turned from one from you asking for advice into one where you give advice

Thanks..I'm just going to progress very slowly right now & try to solve the problem as much as I can..
haha.. I'm feeling for everyone who has the same problem (or even worse problems) as me. So, I don't want to embiggen my problem even though I'm the TS. Everyone has got his/her problems, it'll just feel as good if you can find somewhere to let go. So, it really doesn't matter.

what is think is that , now kinds still very small , so he doenst know if we divorce . now don divorce then wait until when ? wait till the child getting bigger ? lets say 10 or 20 years old ? then we will be 40 50 years old d , still wanna divorce ? divorce during that time i think even hurt to child ... cos that time they are old enof to know , odvoisuly now they din know

True.. he may not feel that much, but he'll feel empty without a proper family, and if he's not brought up well enough, he's going to face alot of emotional problems when he grows up. Of course, that doesn't happen to everyone. Just to let you know that there could be such possibility. Again, the decision is yours. Like I say, as long as you can minimize the hurt, that's good enough. Just do things that are really good for you.

Things are very simple. Dont treat other ppl (be is your sisters/brothers) too good and come here complaining that they dont appreciate it. Since you already knew it, just let them mend their own business. On top of that, if the house belongs to you and which you pay with your own hard earn money, ask them to pay rent or move out. Its simple. When your parents ask, just tell them the truth. No complication here.

Normally I will try to offer some help (though might not be financially) to those friends/relatives who are having financial problem. But make sure they obey your rules or OUT they go. Rules is simple... you dont respect me then dont beg from me.

yeah, things can be simple if you don't have to consider of others' feelings, and it's not whether I like to be nice to his sisters, I'm doing it simply because I love my husband. The problem with me is that I cannot do things as freely as I want to be coz I need to think of his family. If not, I don't think I'll be so miserable now My husband is DEFINITELY not a good "bridge" (& this is largely due to his family upbringing, typical conservative & traditional type), so I always have communication problems with his family. I know he tried hard enough for me, but he can't afford to stand firm in front of his family. And I think I have the right reason of not voicing out my real feelings to his family because I don't want to complicate things.



This post has been edited by yee_voon: Apr 14 2008, 09:59 AM

If u think some1 not treating u nice, u have to say it out, if they are childish thinking, unmature, they think that u are kiam siap, then that is their business.

The best thing thing is to tell ur behalf about ur feeling, dont drag until thing getting worse then only bring it out.

Anyway, since u are together with him u have to get a long with his family no matter what. Whatever it is, just be nice, patient and avoid arguing with any1.