Hi guys, seeking for your advice. following is my story and background.

I proposed to a 6~7 years GF of mine in Dec22, then I got posted to a new job in another country in April 23.

We have always had no issues when the days are good however when argument arise, we are unable to hold back our emotions and often say or do things that will hurt each other.

Im really bad at confrontation but she always pushes me to argue at the heat of the moment.

This has been persistent, we always argue > move on > repeat, and things got worse after I moved to this country.

My job is stressing me out and I often find happiness in drinking with my friends, however this have caused my partner to be even more distressed.

Currently I am thinking of going for marriage counselling since we intended to have our wedding next year.

I do love her but I do not want to live under fear for the rest of my life.

Hope to get some advice here as well on how should I or rather we manage this situation, thank you very much.

Elaborate. What kind of argument? What's both yall boiling point? Different perspective different opinions.

1 story might be her fault and then another might be yours.

After all arguments is when both side doesn't open towards each other. Can't change what doesn't wants to.

( A blowjob sure is nice every morning than dowsing in alcohol every night)

Overseas how to get, unless... owaiiii

It is the resistance in the relationship. Some ppl know it as the major test in the relationship. Usually there will be 2 outcomes -

1) Manage to breakthrough the resistance, both of you able to find common ground on how to deal with the issue / give & take / compromise , she address your issue & you address her issue. Post breakthrough , you will see both of you can works better as a pair of couple.

2) Stalled state - your relationship will not going to progress. No matter how many tests, how many arguments, how many fights , it is only leading to the same point because non of you willing to take step / compromise to make it better for your partner. Usually there is lack of confidence in the commitment- worry cannot fulfil the promise from one side . On the other side, usually it is associated with the insecurities and is asking / demanding more than the partner can commit. If the stalled state / resistance in relationship cannot be resolved, it will eventually leads to separation.

My advice to you is simple - life is simple, do not do something unpleasant onto other. If there is a way that you can make your partner feel more comfortable, you can always initiate the efforts.

Fights are common in relationships. More important, make sure you know why you are fighting for? Fighting for betterment or fighting for sake of fighting/ to feed personal ego.

Just like workplace , in the work task , shits do happen but when the shits appear , you do necessary measures to correct the situation or you resign because you cannot handle the shit . In between solving the shit & resigning - shit solving skill is highly sought after skill set over the “resigning” bcoz resigning is a simple escape route that require no effort.

Also, for you to understand the scenario alone is not enough . Both of you must understand the scenario together.

this could be a wake up call to examine your relationship with your current partner

your statement live under fear for the rest of my life really needs self reflection

unless you can resolve this issue better to break up now than a messy expensive divorce

Identity why you've been avoidant in social situations
Identify why you have alcohol addiction
and then identify why you attact extreme personalities into your life

under normal circumstance, its not ideal for parties to unleash their thoughts in heat of moment cause its always biased according to own self interest (ego)

i guess the main issue is TS has been avoidant so that alone can give her advantages to step onto his head, since very long ago their relationship started. IF TS had no wrongdoings at all, this girl could have NPD or BPD, its better to diagnose both parties

argue then move on? didnt find a solution for the problem?

You can choose not to reply back when she raise an argument. Let her know you hear her and will get back to her after she's calmed down.

thanks for the reply guys, really helped me to condensate my thoughts.

managed to find an article that i can well relate to

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-he...ng-a-narcissist

have suggested her that we should see pre marriage counselling but she insists that i am the one with problem and i should be seeking help instead.

i ll try to meet a psychologist tomorrow to validate my feelings, sincerely thank everyone for giving your input in this

"but she insists that i am the one with problem and i should be seeking help instead"

bro i can tell she a bitch just from this sentence, seems like ur the one thats always "its ok" while she goes beyond ur limit and u always take the blame, and now u still do it will letting her run u over, stand for urself bro

What happens during the argument? Do you feel that the problem is resolved with both parties agreeing to a common ground? Is there a "winner"?
A healthy argument strengthens the relationship further, so I think it's important to be able to do it right. If emotion is getting in the way, then you need to ask for a truce/cooldown period to let yourselves the time and space to manage your emotions.

If she's pushing too much to your liking, then you need a proper talk to let her know your boundaries and what you need from her. Be careful with how you convey this, because she may freak out that you requesting space is a sign of you not loving her anymore. In some cases for others, that turned out to be true, but you know that's untrue, that's why you're here seeking help right? So do something to reassure her that you still love her - I don't know what floats her boat, but just as an example.... keep in contact (don't ignore her) or send her snacks/meals when she has no lunch plan. Basically you want to take the timeout to think about what you want and how to say it, meanwhile laying the groundwork so that she will be open and calm to listen.

You may not be able to reach a consensus to every single argument; sometimes you just have to realise there is a difference in opinion and you need to reach a middle ground, and the "middle" ground isn't always right in the middle - there will be times you are more willing to yield to her, sometimes the other way around. Take a simple example: you hate onion and she's indifferent - if you're sharing food, then it makes more sense to just omit the onions. This example may have different outcome if she LOVES onion because that means she would be sad without, but of course you can ask the restaurant to serve the onions separately, or you both just work together to pick out the onions from the food. If this example is making you realise and feel disappointed that you've always been the one to lose out on your favourites to compromise to her, or you often have to deal with something you hate because of her, then it's a red flag that you forgot to love yourself / she's just way too selfish.

You don't have to go with alcohol to destress. That is a bad sign that you're starting to rely on intoxicating chemicals, it'll only get worse so I second her concerns. You need to figure out how to make yourself happy without destroying yourself. Don't forget that a healthy relationship also includes two healthy individuals. If you're fucked up, how do you expect your relationship not to?

Marriage/couple counseling only works if BOTH are open to the idea. Judging from your latest response on how she react, she sure as hell isn't keen to involve 3rd party. I see a few possibilities here (not necessarily exclusive to each other):
a) she has some misunderstandings about counseling.
b) she is pissed that you bring up counseling, implying you don't know what's wrong / how to fix the wrongs (to a certain extent, she is right because you're here, but I'd agree it's nothing to be angry about...)
c) she strongly believes you're the only one with problems and not her, so she doesn't want to "waste her time". Again to a certain extent, I think she is right because I can see you have issues, however I also think that any relationship problem is a problem for both to resolve. I don't know everything that is going on between you, but partners should always support each other when one of them fucks up. You can't just say "this is your problem, you fix your own shit" because if a member crumbles in the team, the team eventually crumbles.

Anyway, back to your statement, "I do not want to live under fear for the rest of my life". What do you fear? Do you feel unsafe physically/mentally? It's one thing to say your partner cannot manage her emotions properly, but it's another to say you fear her. If she's abusing you then you need to get help. If your fear is really just about trying to navigate when she has outbursts, then she needs to be aware of her emotions first. Try looking up "self awareness", "mindfulness", "emotional intelligence", there are help articles you both can try out.

a red flag bro, maybe you should reconsider what you've been done for the past 6 years since you met her

Save this vid in your playlist. Replay it as many times everytime ur about to go into argument with ur partner…

it is simple
she just want your attention
dunno how to get it
must make big drama
ask your boss for expat perks and bring her over

The short fused is not changeable.... its in build in both..... what u all need is the openess to mend it and both takes initiative to get each other back on track.....its not easy here as its normally one sided...... norm is the guys that will "tam" back the girls..... so this is also a bad habit as the girl will always assume the guy to "tam" her...... so u need to get a partner that knows when to give and take...... normally if the girls treasure the relationship she will be willing to soften her heart...... but if ur partner is a hard headed and hot fused fella.... then its very difficult to mend things....

"I do love her but I do not want to live under fear for the rest of my life."! Base on this, my advice to you is end it now.

Usually in cases like this, there’s no solution. Different points of view and different upbringing styles.