LONG READ

We've been together for about 5 months and dated for about 3 months prior. She's an attractive tall lady and would easily pass as a model. But we constantly fight over pettiest issues and that even led to breakup. We've broken up couple of times now but have always reconciled.

She's from a broken family. Her parents are divorced and her single mum didn't do a job raising her. She and her siblings and emotionally abandoned and wasn't well taken care of. She did not attended university and practically survived by herself. According to her, her last ex was emotionally and physically abusive. She's had abortions from the last ex.

There were some things to put me off when I first dated her but I shrugged it off. This happened two weeks after I first saw her. We were on the phone and after some time we got into awkward silence so I tried to ask random questions like "How's your siblings, sister and brother..?". She lashed out and basically said if I wanted to know her sister I should ask her instead. Before we got together officially, I also felt she fell for me pretty quickly which I was a little weirded out but it got better as time goes by. I knew she was an unhappy person before me and she says she was at one point depressed.

She constantly says I'm not showing love to her, there's no romance in our relationship and that "I don't know what she likes". I also constantly get asked questions like "Why do you love me". I'm annoyed of it at this point - it feels like she's expecting a different answer each time. She has said a couple of times how she's afraid of being abandoned and that I'll leave her eventually, or how I'll date other women.

During our fights, she would constantly bring up past mistakes I've made. It felt like we're not moving on despite me telling her we should otherwise it's extremely unfair to me. My biggest mistake was I did not get her a cake for her birthday. It my mistake and I admit it. But some context - we broke up the day before and I had cancelled whatever cake I booked. The next day we reconciled so I took her out for a nice dinner but there was no cake. She still use it against me until today.

I tried making up to her by buying her expensive gifts and taking her to nice places but it feels like it's never enough. I planned us celebrating New Years in a beach resort. She has a little tight schedule (she needs to return to night work on the day we come back from the resort). I was well aware of this and told her we could return early in the morning and the drive only takes two hours. I also specifically told her that we don't have to do this and we could plan something else and I am totally okay with it. Couple of days later she agreed to do it but then eventually she started telling me how she doesn't want to go there and she hates it and that it's tiring for her. She claims I did not factor in her schedule which I got annoyed off because I specifically discussed this part with her. She then says if I cared for her I wouldn't plan it this way. I didn't know what to say after.

Once we were having a great day and she needed to go out with her friends. But when she returned she was in total bad mood and didn't want to talk at all. I tried asking her and all but she kept on saying it was fine. I got annoyed so I just gave her the same energy and she lashed out. She told me that her friends said that she deserves better and shit and that I'm only using her for sex. This incident led to a breakup.

I don't understand why petty and trivial things are constantly imploding. We broke up once because our FaceTime got disconnected and I told her it's likely her wifi was acting up (which has a history of doing so and I have told her to fix it before). She got triggered that I brought it up.

I constantly feel like I can't make her happy enough. It's come to a point that I'm carefully constructing sentences and words in my head when talking to her so I don't make her upset. I'm constantly trying to "prove" or "show" that I love her but somehow I keep feeling it's never enough.

I also think there's an intellectual incompatibility between us. I constantly find myself unable to engage in deep conversations with her. Sometimes I can't help feeling that I'm talking to a high school kid in a woman's body. I know I'm being judgmental here. This opinion comes from my observation of how she views things really. I tried my best to look past it but I think it's a problem. Her interests are basically "holiday trips, cute couple stuffs, music videos and social media'

I don't know what is it that I'm not doing enough. I don't think it's not enough money problem by the way. We've been dining out in Michelin stars, Omakases, Hotels and expensive stuffs for her. I talked to my friends about it, one of whom is a therapist, and she claims that my girlfriend may have BPD which is likely manifested from her childhood abandonment and trauma from her previous relationship.

wow such abusive mental torture.... after reading your post she has a huge insecurity issue maybe she has been abused before?

would it be a good idea to send her for counseling?

did you guys talked this out? whats the plan moving forward? constantly abusing you is not the way forward bro. it could get worse after marriage with kids and postpartum depression and all

Regardless of your answers to this questions bro TS, my suggestion, is run! Unless you're willing to date & marry crazy...
You mentioned that she's not highly educated. Which means she will continue to be emotional and think emotionally. Logic will not prevail.

Unfortunately, she's not wife material, especially if you're a good provider. Better fish out there.
The constant break-ups is already a sign, long-term relationship with her will never work out.
A relationship is all about give & take, and both parties need to be invested to make it work.

Depends on how much you love her and willingness to be more patient.

From what you've described, sounds like she's quite damaged emotionally and mentally from her past. Damaged as in scarred.
Insecurity will be at her forefront because she will constantly be afraid of making another mistake and get hurt again.
Hence also her "expectations" to a certain extent.

But she's not stupid. So there are probably a few rules and things you'd need to play with when you're with her or communicate with her.
Some "words" from her you'll need to "put on the shelf" / "put aside". Especially if it's unreasonable.
Focus on the real problem which is what's she afraid of or what is it she really wants.
Often she will be clouded and that's where your petty arguments kick in.

You can be the bigger person or better man and focus on the larger things and care you give her, or things you can teach.

However, you're only human. You can only do so much to help her.
She will need to acknowledge that you are doing your best to give her your best. Talk to her openly and calmly but not arguing nor challenge.
Openly put these things and points in the table... And nicely ask, are these things I do not good? I know I'm not the most romantic person out there, and I'm not other people's boyfriend who can do this and that or as rich, but these things I do for us, is it not good?

Once she says yes it's good but.... Can d. The but can put it into discussion or thoughts. Point is to catch her acknowledging you did good.

Patience is key (if you are ok to continue). Alot of effort and work needed. As long as you feel it's worth it.

But ultimately you have to acknowledge if you can handle her or not. Otherwise like her ex... Will do more harm than help.

Keep in mind the girl will have to change for you. You cannot force someone to change. It must be willingly done. Also read up 5 love languages. Maybe you are not speaking her love language.

If you are always under pressure with her maybe it's not the right relationship. Fights will happen. But if it's constant, something is not right.

Sometimes it's not about expensive stuff. Maybe she just want quality time or she wants assurance that you like her. This woman is likely scared that you will leave her that's why she is so insecure due to previous relationship and history will repeat itself.

If you want to be in this relationship, yes you need to help her to feel love, secured and that you are not going anywhere. She needs to see action and not word only cause action speak louder than words. However if despite you trying your best and same things still happen, maybe you are better off not with her.

For me personally, if the girl does not have a good relationship with her parents, it's a red flag for me to avoid going into a relationship with her.

TS from what i read why do you still love her and want to be with her when you have said everything youre unhappy about

this kind of girl really sounds like those crazy girl in real life and on bed
why do you put up with her craziness? is it because the sex is good?

honestly seeing you guys are only together for a couple of months, i would say it's best if you leave her and find a more suitable partner

don't mind pm me her contact, let me use her

So ...?

it's a nice read, not really suitable for valentines as they're all your rants. You mention all the flaws of the fragile relationship you guys have.

I love it when you start a paragraph with "I"

I guess that's not too selfish since it is from your perspective.

Guess you guys are back together?? Thanks for the essay?? Keep it up, don't give up.

Evening, TS, I'm sorry to hear this from you; you must have it rough.

Actually I am interested with what do you really want? Deep inside you, what do you really want out of this relationship?
Companionship? Family? Future? Skinship?

Perchance if you are planning to continue, a few counselling sessions may help.
Humans are emotionally fragile, sometimes we are easily ticked but most of the time we tolerate.
Your lady is like a mine bomb that explodes out of the blue and I am guessing you are the one scavenging the crime scene.

Another worry I have is you TS, how are you feeling?
Are you doing fine?

Honestly I don't have much experience in relationships; the one I had ended terribly but that's history now.
But my opinion to you is: pack your defusing kit and move on.
I can't vouch much for your future, but the present is already grim, it'll spiral into madness someday.

So bad this Leto. TS better pm me her contact so that I can help protect her from people like Leto.



Ok but seriously, run! Reminds me of my ex - broken family, abusive ex bla bla. Sometimes you won't even know if what she says is true and she is always the victim right?

If you continue, expect this get worse and ask yourself if you are able to handle that. For the fact that you are starting this thread shows you doubt if what you are going through is normal.

This post has been edited by Sihambodoh: Feb 14 2023, 07:25 PM

You can’t buy material goods for women and expect them to appreciate you. Whatever goodwill you may have earned for that is immediately evaporated the next day or days.

On another serious note, have you checked your stars or Feng shui for compatibility? I believe in it and how it my affect marriages. If you and her are not compatible based on your animal signs, then it’s time to end it.

hot and crazy girl, perfect candidate for fwb. Not even like bpd even narcissistic parents or friends already enough to make your mind spin

since she's still good looking, there are way less incentives for her to look inwards and fix herself. And if you continue to be with her, she's going to drag you down completely and inevitably

most guys have savior mentality, it can be brainwashing from externals/lack of boundaries/family upbringing particularly if the mother is overly stressful etc

Ts can be sticky situation because he knew the relationship is worsening but he cant get out of it because of money time invested or it can just be scarce gf material that he's not used to have

I think you have passed the point of diminishing returns. Now you have to decide how much is enough for you to cut your losses before this mess swallows you whole.

TBH, I've been in your shoes. Just trying to keep the relationship alive became something that consumed all of my time, effort and resources. So this highlighted statement of yours had memories come flooding back coz I did the same exact thing. Eventually it came to a point where she started sleeping with a friend and even then I still clung on, refusing to 'lose' to the other jerk, until one day she delivered the coup de grace which devastated me and left me teetering on the edge. Years later, I looked back and realized my weakness was being too blind to set a cut-off point because I was too invested in bailing out a sinking ship that wasn't even worth saving.

Eventually I found someone else with whom I could enjoy an almost effortless relationship, who saw fit to help pull me out of that deep, dark shithole I was in.

You know what they say about what goes around comes around? That guy whom she was banging did to her what she did to me just 3 years later. Last I heard, she hadn't quite managed to climb out of her own deep, dark shithole yet... but what the f**k do I care, eh?

Bottom line, you already know where you're headed with her and you also would have known by now whether or not you actually have a future with her. Sure, every guy thinks he's the hero who could tame a raging fire but is she really worth suffering 3rd degree burns for?

Clear your head then decide. And stick to your decision.

This post has been edited by ZZR-Pilot: Feb 14 2023, 10:42 PM

Wow, I've heard very similar story. A man who clung onto a toxic relationship that lasted years, where the girl was so insecure that she forbade him to interact with all females on earth, except mom and sister. Although it directly affected his career (ultimately resulted in him being in a different line of work today), he still complied until one day, he caught her cheated red handed (there were signs he couldn't ignore).

Took him 2 years to climb out of the hell hole himself, but karma hit her too - that other guy was a fuckboi who fucked her but doesn't actually give a fuck about her

Anyways back to topic, just let the relationship stay dead since you both kill it so easily by breaking up with each other. Judging from your complaints, there's absolutely no reason to cling onto this broken girl who doesn't want to change herself, and she's happily holding the relationship hostage. You'll be happier alone.

laugh what, hierachy of needs sex is like food, playa knows how to dissociate from multiple lines and focus on bigger picture eventually, there are toxic women who try to restrict their partners in any form but most of them are cunning an average woman don't know what the hell they're doing.

You want to live with her forever?

argue because no cake

argue because of FaceTime

there will be more petty issues in the future

conclusion: run

life is short and we live only once

go get a better girl who can respect you better

Tl;dr version.

TS saw model ts likey.
TS try to woo and it was easy success albeit TS not confident.
TS starts to see the real "her" but still hope can continue because TS worry cant find better gf.
TS duno what to do to improve


Now to answer ur question, deep down she dont think she deserve u hence the self-sabotage and also wanted more attention that u dont know how to provide.

Tl;dr answer is u have to be patient and convince her she is worthy.
Or else short pain better than long pain.

This post has been edited by WaCKy-Angel: Feb 15 2023, 01:27 AM

Why not laugh? I love when karma hits. I don't care about the fakboi being lvl9999 god like player fucking all the girls he likes. I care about that someone who was so insecure, and yet, ironically, the audacity to cheat and BECOME the very reason for a partner to be insecure.

Anyway, out of topic... TS never mentioned about cheating yet. But won't be surprised if the relationship continues and that eventually happens, since the therapist mentioned possible mental case...

Your therapist friend may be right, it does sound like she has a major fear of abandonment.
Have you considered bringing her to see a therapist? Do you have the patience to work it out with her?
If not, then this kind of relationship most likely won't last very long and it may be best to part ways for sanity sake.

Relevant video:

DROP HER LIKE A HOT POTATO

Her problems are hers to fix, not yours. If she doesn't want to improve, nothing you do will be good enough. You can do 1000 things right, but the moment you have the slightest mistake, she will cling on that. As evidenced in your story with the birthday cake.

Don't measure your relationships on happiness. That comes and goes, and it will blind you to the real factors for an actual happy relationship. One key metric in choosing a partner in a relationship is how sure they will behave in a dire situation. Would they step up to help resolve the situation quick, or would they just make things worse.

Is she worth the fight?

If u think it is really worth to fight, fight for it. All she needs is spending time with u. Dun get annoyed with all her question. She just wants u to say I love u evryday. Compliment her beauty etc2. If she ask u annoyed question like how much u love her, why u love her, etc2...dont get annoyed with that question. Be patient. This kind of woman want assurance that u will stay in the relationship.

Anyway TS. Put ur happiness first.

Leave her while you can. That's my take. Find some simpler one

I don't think she is matured to take up a relationship.

Let her sort out her issues first.

I really doubt this relationship would work. Already 5 months, and already break up.

she is also having a long laundry list of complaints about you.

TS should break up amicably.

All the best.

just read a few paragraphs and didn't even reach half way.

My advise to TS... run, run while you still can. run bro !! RUN !!

you can't change her, she needs to change herself. Maybe one day she will realize and change, until then, don't be a door mat.

You've only been with her for about 8 months and you're feeling this way.

Imagine spending the rest of your life with her. Will she be threatening you with divorce every time you guys fight over something petty?

People won't change for others unless they themselves want to. Don't hold on to a relationship hoping that your girl will change to who you want her to be.

are you even still with her? good luck to you

sorry bro..cant handle such girls..guess broken types can only be handled by the same species..good luck

Your situation reminded me of my friend's wife who at the end commit suicide last year over a petty argument as well. Only after her death my friend started searching if she has any mental health issues and it was described as signs of BPD.

Their argument was my friend wanted to hang out with his other younger brother for a badminton match and his wife was extremely unhappy about it that he would rather spend time with his brother than her and she threw a tantrum threatening to tear up their marriage cert. My friend ignore her left the house to cool down to only find her suicided when he returned. That was a dark day, I was with him at the police station to make report and questioning to rule out criminal elements.

He is still recovering from the loss as he really loved her very much but felt a little relief as the lost freedom has returned. Luckily they have no kids so he is back to single and very being cautious in looking for mates.

He went through all the things you described over the 6 years of marriage, it was up to a point where anything can be a fault and use as argument. He can't even look at women/girls that dress up nicely or else another round of argument. Return slightly late from work, argument again and accused of hanging out with girls and etc. He tried his best to please her but at the cost of being a caged bird. He was so depressed whenever I get to meet him and was like walking on egg shells on what he says or do.

You're in lucky she started these signs before marriage otherwise you'll be in the same situation as my friend, please evaluate if you want to be doing what you're doing for the rest of your life.

Dump and move on. U won't want a psycho as a wife later.

Your brother so weak?. My GF also like that but not everything become argument lar. If she acting up, i just ignore and do my own thing. Although you might see me as evil but this seem made me easily manipulate her though not so often lar

Open secret.

Girl problem = Money not enough.

Try buy Channel or Hermes bag for her.

Try test her with money.

I just worry you will be down after you know the result.

Why please!? Very simple answer, please let me know why she want suffer with you!?

Your GF is just manja, people with mental disorders are different from your experience.

Wait till you married your GF, maybe you're the next poster here asking for help.

So sad.

How did she suicide?

She hanged.

He himself almost suicide with her the moment he saw her if not for a phone call to his family.

I think the above sums it much pretty much that you are likely just a spare tyre.

think she must have been facing some sort of psycho schizo insecurity that makes her think her husband is cheating on her. Hence the massive controlling of freedom.

I thought ur gf is just a sex buddy to u

Cannot be multiples roles meh like GF, friend, psrtner.. Also now less sex liao

so what u do with her?

go out makan?
watch movie?
dating?
hiking?
clean house together?
cook together?
she iron and wash your clothes?

She already live with me so what ordinary husband wife do lor. One thing I don't she like to guilt trap me. She likes to to do those housechore snd cooking then send me message told me go back to eat like want to show she is very waifu material which she is. Since kantoi curang this attitude comes back.

Is there any positive part of this relationship worth staying?

if you cannot make her happy, i suggest to let other ppl try
u tried for 7-8months and still she is unhappy.. then better no point trying
pass me her phone number let me try