LONG READ

We've been together for about 5 months and dated for about 3 months prior. She's an attractive tall lady and would easily pass as a model. But we constantly fight over pettiest issues and that even led to breakup. We've broken up couple of times now but have always reconciled.

She's from a broken family. Her parents are divorced and her single mum didn't do a job raising her. She and her siblings and emotionally abandoned and wasn't well taken care of. She did not attended university and practically survived by herself. According to her, her last ex was emotionally and physically abusive. She's had abortions from the last ex.

There were some things to put me off when I first dated her but I shrugged it off. This happened two weeks after I first saw her. We were on the phone and after some time we got into awkward silence so I tried to ask random questions like "How's your siblings, sister and brother..?". She lashed out and basically said if I wanted to know her sister I should ask her instead. Before we got together officially, I also felt she fell for me pretty quickly which I was a little weirded out but it got better as time goes by. I knew she was an unhappy person before me and she says she was at one point depressed.

She constantly says I'm not showing love to her, there's no romance in our relationship and that "I don't know what she likes". I also constantly get asked questions like "Why do you love me". I'm annoyed of it at this point - it feels like she's expecting a different answer each time. She has said a couple of times how she's afraid of being abandoned and that I'll leave her eventually, or how I'll date other women.

During our fights, she would constantly bring up past mistakes I've made. It felt like we're not moving on despite me telling her we should otherwise it's extremely unfair to me. My biggest mistake was I did not get her a cake for her birthday. It my mistake and I admit it. But some context - we broke up the day before and I had cancelled whatever cake I booked. The next day we reconciled so I took her out for a nice dinner but there was no cake. She still use it against me until today.

I tried making up to her by buying her expensive gifts and taking her to nice places but it feels like it's never enough. I planned us celebrating New Years in a beach resort. She has a little tight schedule (she needs to return to night work on the day we come back from the resort). I was well aware of this and told her we could return early in the morning and the drive only takes two hours. I also specifically told her that we don't have to do this and we could plan something else and I am totally okay with it. Couple of days later she agreed to do it but then eventually she started telling me how she doesn't want to go there and she hates it and that it's tiring for her. She claims I did not factor in her schedule which I got annoyed off because I specifically discussed this part with her. She then says if I cared for her I wouldn't plan it this way. I didn't know what to say after.

Once we were having a great day and she needed to go out with her friends. But when she returned she was in total bad mood and didn't want to talk at all. I tried asking her and all but she kept on saying it was fine. I got annoyed so I just gave her the same energy and she lashed out. She told me that her friends said that she deserves better and shit and that I'm only using her for sex. This incident led to a breakup.

I don't understand why petty and trivial things are constantly imploding. We broke up once because our FaceTime got disconnected and I told her it's likely her wifi was acting up (which has a history of doing so and I have told her to fix it before). She got triggered that I brought it up.

I constantly feel like I can't make her happy enough. It's come to a point that I'm carefully constructing sentences and words in my head when talking to her so I don't make her upset. I'm constantly trying to "prove" or "show" that I love her but somehow I keep feeling it's never enough.

I also think there's an intellectual incompatibility between us. I constantly find myself unable to engage in deep conversations with her. Sometimes I can't help feeling that I'm talking to a high school kid in a woman's body. I know I'm being judgmental here. This opinion comes from my observation of how she views things really. I tried my best to look past it but I think it's a problem. Her interests are basically "holiday trips, cute couple stuffs, music videos and social media'

I don't know what is it that I'm not doing enough. I don't think it's not enough money problem by the way. We've been dining out in Michelin stars, Omakases, Hotels and expensive stuffs for her. I talked to my friends about it, one of whom is a therapist, and she claims that my girlfriend may have BPD which is likely manifested from her childhood abandonment and trauma from her previous relationship.

wow such abusive mental torture.... after reading your post she has a huge insecurity issue maybe she has been abused before?

would it be a good idea to send her for counseling?

did you guys talked this out? whats the plan moving forward? constantly abusing you is not the way forward bro. it could get worse after marriage with kids and postpartum depression and all

Regardless of your answers to this questions bro TS, my suggestion, is run! Unless you're willing to date & marry crazy...
You mentioned that she's not highly educated. Which means she will continue to be emotional and think emotionally. Logic will not prevail.

Unfortunately, she's not wife material, especially if you're a good provider. Better fish out there.
The constant break-ups is already a sign, long-term relationship with her will never work out.
A relationship is all about give & take, and both parties need to be invested to make it work.

Depends on how much you love her and willingness to be more patient.

From what you've described, sounds like she's quite damaged emotionally and mentally from her past. Damaged as in scarred.
Insecurity will be at her forefront because she will constantly be afraid of making another mistake and get hurt again.
Hence also her "expectations" to a certain extent.

But she's not stupid. So there are probably a few rules and things you'd need to play with when you're with her or communicate with her.
Some "words" from her you'll need to "put on the shelf" / "put aside". Especially if it's unreasonable.
Focus on the real problem which is what's she afraid of or what is it she really wants.
Often she will be clouded and that's where your petty arguments kick in.

You can be the bigger person or better man and focus on the larger things and care you give her, or things you can teach.

However, you're only human. You can only do so much to help her.
She will need to acknowledge that you are doing your best to give her your best. Talk to her openly and calmly but not arguing nor challenge.
Openly put these things and points in the table... And nicely ask, are these things I do not good? I know I'm not the most romantic person out there, and I'm not other people's boyfriend who can do this and that or as rich, but these things I do for us, is it not good?

Once she says yes it's good but.... Can d. The but can put it into discussion or thoughts. Point is to catch her acknowledging you did good.

Patience is key (if you are ok to continue). Alot of effort and work needed. As long as you feel it's worth it.

But ultimately you have to acknowledge if you can handle her or not. Otherwise like her ex... Will do more harm than help.

Keep in mind the girl will have to change for you. You cannot force someone to change. It must be willingly done. Also read up 5 love languages. Maybe you are not speaking her love language.

If you are always under pressure with her maybe it's not the right relationship. Fights will happen. But if it's constant, something is not right.

Sometimes it's not about expensive stuff. Maybe she just want quality time or she wants assurance that you like her. This woman is likely scared that you will leave her that's why she is so insecure due to previous relationship and history will repeat itself.

If you want to be in this relationship, yes you need to help her to feel love, secured and that you are not going anywhere. She needs to see action and not word only cause action speak louder than words. However if despite you trying your best and same things still happen, maybe you are better off not with her.

For me personally, if the girl does not have a good relationship with her parents, it's a red flag for me to avoid going into a relationship with her.

TS from what i read why do you still love her and want to be with her when you have said everything youre unhappy about

this kind of girl really sounds like those crazy girl in real life and on bed
why do you put up with her craziness? is it because the sex is good?

honestly seeing you guys are only together for a couple of months, i would say it's best if you leave her and find a more suitable partner

don't mind pm me her contact, let me use her

So ...?

it's a nice read, not really suitable for valentines as they're all your rants. You mention all the flaws of the fragile relationship you guys have.

I love it when you start a paragraph with "I"

I guess that's not too selfish since it is from your perspective.

Guess you guys are back together?? Thanks for the essay?? Keep it up, don't give up.

Evening, TS, I'm sorry to hear this from you; you must have it rough.

Actually I am interested with what do you really want? Deep inside you, what do you really want out of this relationship?
Companionship? Family? Future? Skinship?

Perchance if you are planning to continue, a few counselling sessions may help.
Humans are emotionally fragile, sometimes we are easily ticked but most of the time we tolerate.
Your lady is like a mine bomb that explodes out of the blue and I am guessing you are the one scavenging the crime scene.

Another worry I have is you TS, how are you feeling?
Are you doing fine?

Honestly I don't have much experience in relationships; the one I had ended terribly but that's history now.
But my opinion to you is: pack your defusing kit and move on.
I can't vouch much for your future, but the present is already grim, it'll spiral into madness someday.

So bad this Leto. TS better pm me her contact so that I can help protect her from people like Leto.



Ok but seriously, run! Reminds me of my ex - broken family, abusive ex bla bla. Sometimes you won't even know if what she says is true and she is always the victim right?

If you continue, expect this get worse and ask yourself if you are able to handle that. For the fact that you are starting this thread shows you doubt if what you are going through is normal.

This post has been edited by Sihambodoh: Feb 14 2023, 07:25 PM

You can’t buy material goods for women and expect them to appreciate you. Whatever goodwill you may have earned for that is immediately evaporated the next day or days.

On another serious note, have you checked your stars or Feng shui for compatibility? I believe in it and how it my affect marriages. If you and her are not compatible based on your animal signs, then it’s time to end it.

hot and crazy girl, perfect candidate for fwb. Not even like bpd even narcissistic parents or friends already enough to make your mind spin

since she's still good looking, there are way less incentives for her to look inwards and fix herself. And if you continue to be with her, she's going to drag you down completely and inevitably

most guys have savior mentality, it can be brainwashing from externals/lack of boundaries/family upbringing particularly if the mother is overly stressful etc

Ts can be sticky situation because he knew the relationship is worsening but he cant get out of it because of money time invested or it can just be scarce gf material that he's not used to have

I think you have passed the point of diminishing returns. Now you have to decide how much is enough for you to cut your losses before this mess swallows you whole.

TBH, I've been in your shoes. Just trying to keep the relationship alive became something that consumed all of my time, effort and resources. So this highlighted statement of yours had memories come flooding back coz I did the same exact thing. Eventually it came to a point where she started sleeping with a friend and even then I still clung on, refusing to 'lose' to the other jerk, until one day she delivered the coup de grace which devastated me and left me teetering on the edge. Years later, I looked back and realized my weakness was being too blind to set a cut-off point because I was too invested in bailing out a sinking ship that wasn't even worth saving.

Eventually I found someone else with whom I could enjoy an almost effortless relationship, who saw fit to help pull me out of that deep, dark shithole I was in.

You know what they say about what goes around comes around? That guy whom she was banging did to her what she did to me just 3 years later. Last I heard, she hadn't quite managed to climb out of her own deep, dark shithole yet... but what the f**k do I care, eh?

Bottom line, you already know where you're headed with her and you also would have known by now whether or not you actually have a future with her. Sure, every guy thinks he's the hero who could tame a raging fire but is she really worth suffering 3rd degree burns for?

Clear your head then decide. And stick to your decision.

This post has been edited by ZZR-Pilot: Feb 14 2023, 10:42 PM

Wow, I've heard very similar story. A man who clung onto a toxic relationship that lasted years, where the girl was so insecure that she forbade him to interact with all females on earth, except mom and sister. Although it directly affected his career (ultimately resulted in him being in a different line of work today), he still complied until one day, he caught her cheated red handed (there were signs he couldn't ignore).

Took him 2 years to climb out of the hell hole himself, but karma hit her too - that other guy was a fuckboi who fucked her but doesn't actually give a fuck about her

Anyways back to topic, just let the relationship stay dead since you both kill it so easily by breaking up with each other. Judging from your complaints, there's absolutely no reason to cling onto this broken girl who doesn't want to change herself, and she's happily holding the relationship hostage. You'll be happier alone.

laugh what, hierachy of needs sex is like food, playa knows how to dissociate from multiple lines and focus on bigger picture eventually, there are toxic women who try to restrict their partners in any form but most of them are cunning an average woman don't know what the hell they're doing.

You want to live with her forever?

argue because no cake

argue because of FaceTime

there will be more petty issues in the future

conclusion: run

life is short and we live only once

go get a better girl who can respect you better

Tl;dr version.

TS saw model ts likey.
TS try to woo and it was easy success albeit TS not confident.
TS starts to see the real "her" but still hope can continue because TS worry cant find better gf.
TS duno what to do to improve


Now to answer ur question, deep down she dont think she deserve u hence the self-sabotage and also wanted more attention that u dont know how to provide.

Tl;dr answer is u have to be patient and convince her she is worthy.
Or else short pain better than long pain.

This post has been edited by WaCKy-Angel: Feb 15 2023, 01:27 AM

Why not laugh? I love when karma hits. I don't care about the fakboi being lvl9999 god like player fucking all the girls he likes. I care about that someone who was so insecure, and yet, ironically, the audacity to cheat and BECOME the very reason for a partner to be insecure.

Anyway, out of topic... TS never mentioned about cheating yet. But won't be surprised if the relationship continues and that eventually happens, since the therapist mentioned possible mental case...