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 I want to 14th floor, Tired

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TSICremeCake P
post Jun 24 2020, 12:01 AM, updated 4y ago

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Yes....Tis is a dupe...Bcos I x wan to identify myself...+ P acc can onli post 3 so i will post long one....Tis is a soliloquy

I was born wif a silver spoon tat had tarnished somewhat quickly by the last great global recession, 10+ houses becomes debt amounting to millions..... 10+ cars became 3 before 2 before 1... whilst friends go out shopping.... I sat at come making things to sell.... Education comes first said the people.... pushing myself...losing 20-30 odd kilos made me look healthier than b4....joining national competitions in 3 different categories does that 2 u..... quick check by KMM at school had showed HBP & Hyperglycaemia... granted I was subtituting sugared drinks for food....saves time & money..... changed to normal diet made me fatter but lower BGL & BP.... mother was happier when I was thinner.... after winning in some of the competition I failed 1 subject...it was Accounts...No time to study...always stay back until 5-7pm in school designing prototypes...writing scripts for debate....mixing BGM for acting...

Dun worry I got straight As!!! wif sum A+ not enuf to get full scholarship by gov...but I applied as many as I could.... I got several....acting had taught me to be confident... study is study... have fun but limited....sent money as much as I can to home.... grad with honors...in a western nation....Became gud boy by helping frens, saved one from drowning even.... I not great swimmer but had finish course + lifeguard training... Found gf... she cheated...found new gf... she cheated wif bbc...finally dated asian...flat...but atleast love me...

After grad supposed to get job..but scholarship said no place...so turn into loan..ned to pay back.....already 5 months no job...have a bit savings....but not just me....friends oso no job.....still ok...for now...then everything keep getting wrong.....my camera got stolen....ps4 hdmi broken after 2 months...bought used for cheap...money lend to fren..1k...he MIA....car broke down....cheated by mechanic....no drive 3 weeks but got crack on windshield..... monitor kaput... tried repair..became worse.....radio broken....try to fix....ok at first...after 2 days..it died....mattress already sunken....back no good...keep needing to sleep on the floor... keep skipping meals becos dunwan to hear no food from mum... I try to make her happy...but never enuff.. if sibling does small small. always enuff..

All i want is a job. tried apply everything.. no reply... got motorcycle.. want to use for grab....engine threw a rod.....is a naza...no spare parts... car too old to use for grab...both parents ady blacklist.. cannot make loan of becum guarantor if I wan to buy car for grab...both parents unemployed.... They ask for 1k if i start job... i need to payback scholarship... gf ask if can marry.... parents ask for mani... everything keeps breaking down... my laptop I fixed 5 times alreadi.... my mental health is deteriorating .... starting to becum carefree... but i dunwan.. becos i have responsibility.. can't run away.. cant be char siew.... but i dunno wat to do now... gf says god is testing me... i ask god for job... i no need anything new... im content with everything i have... i just want to provide to family... i just want to make them happy... hearing mother cry just breaks my heart.... I try to make special food for her .. to make her happy... saw her threw it away...

I understand tat im insignificant.... other siblings birthday always celebrate.... mine forgotten... is fine.... i have not celebrate it for nearlee 10 years... even gf of 4 year forgot... i just ask for little things... like leave some dinner for me... but most days i open the dish cover.. no food is left... sometimes no rice... it still fine... i try to eat once a day.... if i became thin again she at least be happy...



TLDR: I just want to be loved & a job. Whenever theres news of war. part of me is happy. finally can die and fight for something. having no purpose in life kills me
V429
post Jun 25 2020, 10:06 AM

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Hey there, sounds like you need a break. I am not sure if it helps, but have you tried calling Befrienders?
cheshiredoge P
post Jun 29 2020, 08:59 PM

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You seem damn stressed man, kesian. But you must understand. If you live ur life for other people, esp people like ur mum who forever not happy with you no matter what u do, it will damage ur mental health. U can try to talk to her to let her know you always feel pressure from her, that u r never good enough for her. Mother should not treat children like that...if she dowan listen, then just keep to yourself, and stop attaching your self worth to how well ur mum treats u. U are worth something to yourself, dont let other people take that away from u.

As for your job ah, that one damn jialat, after scholarship u wan work but they also dont give, quite unfair la. I'm sorry that ur mattress sunk, PS4 spoil, etc. I know life very hard. We can only try our best and hope it works. Jiayou, dont 14th floor. And while you keep trying your best to improve ur life, if u tired or sad again next time, u can find support on lowyat and talk to people la, maybe we can help ur mood sometimes. Gambateh bro
soulz69
post Jun 30 2020, 07:59 AM

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stay strong buddy. slowly recover yourself. maybe you can try any part time job for money 1st. at least you got an income.

what scholarship is that? suddenly become loan? maybe can do penangguhan 1st.

syunsn P
post Jul 2 2020, 07:18 PM

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I'm so sorry for you bro. Stay strong.

What kind of scholarship is turned into loan?
Since you got plenty of As, why don't you try becoming a private tutor, per hour is rm30. That's what I'm doing now. You can teach kids. It's a small amount but it's something.

As for your mother, I hope she and you find peace. Please learn to do things for yourself and find your own value instead of hoping your mother would value you. I learned it the hard way too. My mum prefers my siblings. I learnt not to hunger for her attention anymore eventho it hurts.

Stay strong. Jiayou.
lovecats
post Jul 21 2020, 11:54 AM

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QUOTE(V429 @ Jun 25 2020, 10:06 AM)
Hey there, sounds like you need a break. I am not sure if it helps, but have you tried calling Befrienders?
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Befrienders sucks tho. They just spew cliches. Talk to them some more wanna die. TS probably need therapist (CBT or DBT) or psychiatric help maybe.

TS sorry that you need to go through such hardship. I don't know how to help. Damn you sure suffer a lot.
chtan
post Jul 21 2020, 12:04 PM

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Hey, be strong bro. If you are in Pg. PM me. We go out for a badminton session together. After that, everything will be fine.
sooyichen
post Nov 16 2020, 03:54 PM

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Take some time off for yourself, talk to a professional. Stay strong console.gif
Endeavour
post Nov 17 2020, 12:13 PM

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Guys the problem is talking to professionals (anyone that is not Befrienders) means he will have to pay. While that's an option it would further stress him financially. Talk to Befrienders, please.

But above all, try to take more action and compartmentalise. Try to move beyond what your family wants/needs and focus on yourself. Do whatever job that comes first, part-time or not.

You'll be alright as long as you keep moving. Stay strong TS.

 

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