So a little bit of background, my parents divorce when I was around 15 due to my father having an affair.

Before the divorce, they are very violent to each other especially in the last 1-2 years where they will argue for whole night long, attack and hit each other, my mother even tried to commit suicide on one day as I discovered when I came back from school. I used to remember living in fear that 1 day I will come back from school seeing either 1 of my parents dead, waking up from my sleep discovering my parents are dead as my mother kills my father in sleep and take her own life, or going to sleep and never wake up at all as my mother kills everyone in sleep and take her own life. So there are times that I keep having to hide all the knives and scissors just to feel safer.

I also remember that my mother used to drag me along with her as she went out late at night trying to catch my father with the woman he is having an affair with while keep telling me that my father has abandoned us.

On the day of divorce, my mother told me that my father does not want custody over me and my younger brother.

I often cried myself to sleep at night and to cope with all that I decided that if I stopped feeling then it will stop hurting.

20 years have passed since the incident and I think I have gone over it but from time to time I still cry whenever something brings up the memory. Sometimes I dreamed of the house I used to live in in my sleep. I also experienced cases where I cry myself awake from time to time but the dream does not seems to be related the my experience. Most of the time when I sleep it is either a dreamless sleep or episodes of violent nightmare night after night.

For the past few days I have been feeling disturbed and unable to stay calm, something just keeps pulling inside making it hard to get over my days. Now how do I know if I need to get help?

You most definitely need help. Childhood trauma has a tendency to bite you in the butt when you're an adult.

I too come from a broken family. Do not undermine the impact a divorce has on the affected children's psyche.

The damage from childhood trauma and divorce is long lasting but if addressed properly, you can live a normal life.

So what can I do? Should I go to any hospitals and just ask for an appointment with psychiatrist?

Or there will be some test that is required before I am scheduled for an appointment?

You have a few options that depend on your background.

I don't recommend seeing a psychiatrist from the get go, unless you have a good reason to suspect that you are suffering from a disorder.

If you can afford counselling, you should look for a counselor who is accessible to you location wise.

If you happen to have friends or family that studied psychology, try asking them for a recommendation. I can't give you a recommendation because certain counselors work for some people and but are not suitable for others. It may take a few tries before you find a counselor you can work with.

If you are a religious Christian, or you do not mind getting support from a church, some churches offer free counselling. I can't speak for other religious bodies because I'm not familiar with them.

Other than counselling, try and get family support if possible. I cannot stress enough the importance of family members in promoting mental health, and you shouldn't have to deal with it alone.

If family support isn't an option, feel free to PM me. Sometimes all you need is just someone to brainstorm with you. It doesn't help that my account is still on probation and I only get 3 posts every 12 hours. I'm no mental healthcare provider, but I've been in your shoes and I wished there was someone to guide me when times were tough.

you had a traumatizing childhood no doubt. did you speak to your mom or especially your dad about it?
i figured you grew up with your mom.

Last thing I want is for my family to know I have mental issue due to their divorce.

Accepting it is an issue, worse is when my mother blame herself for it.

OK, understood. you can approach it by selling the story as part of a childhood memory. you can approach your sister or brother and say, hey do you remember when we were small? mom and dad used to fight like the ewings weren't they?.. and you can proceed from there.

unreleased issues are burden trapped in one's mind. get them out. dont carry them. be free

Cried myself awake again this morning.

I only have 1 younger brother and he later moves back to stay with my father, so don't meet that frequently.

And currently I am not in Malaysia and won't be back for at least another 1 and a half month.

So I just have to deal with it as best as I can until I am back in Malaysia.

yeah; where you are, ie your surroundings, people near you, things on telly, who whatspp you.. all of these, will play a role in its own way on how the mental burden impacts you.
not being in your familiar surrounding would have made your mind wanders, old trauma comes back, bad words recalled. sit tight, meditate or sometihing. once you are in malaysia, you will better.. well you will cope better any way.

Since you can describe to us what happen, try writing it down and "face" or embrace this. Reflect. Analyse. Remember the past cannot change.

Put some thinking into this memory. What things can be done better? Or maybe you reach the conclusion that you couldn't do much and maybe you will live better in the future/won't allow this to happen to other or own children.

I am feeling OK now.

I am usually doing quite well suppressing the feeling but at the time I made this thread is when I felt the worst and it feels so hard to get over the days with the memory and feeling pulling inside.

But as of now I am feeling OK and under control.

I always thought I already accepted what has happened in the past is already in the past and cannot be changed, I am who I am because what happened in the past. So I don't really know what can I reflect upon.

I don't think it helps to suppress your feelings. Perhaps your crying awake is a manifestation of suppressing your feelings for so long.

You should divert your attention to something positive and try to live in present. If past isn't good enough then there is no better gift than forgetting the past.

Mental illness symptoms can affect emotions, thoughts and behaviors. Examples of signs and symptoms include: Feeling sad or down. Confused thinking or reduced ability to concentrate. Each mental health condition has its own signs and symptoms. In general, however, professional help might be needed if you experience: Marked changes in personality, eating or sleeping patterns. An inability to cope with problems or daily activities. Mental Health Hope is an online provider of help and guidance for individuals enduring a difficult mental health event, such as grief retreat and loss.

There's never a specific situation or event that would make it seem apparent if you need help. If you feel something off, regardless if its a big or small issue, never hesitate to go speak to a professional. Childhood trauma does take a toll on your subconscious. Reach out to someone you can talk to, a professional would be best! This does not mean that there's something wrong with you. Its normal to feel anxious, but choosing how you deal with it is important. Hope you feel better soon

Excessive fears or worries, or extreme feelings of guilt. Extreme mood changes of highs and lows. Withdrawal from friends and activities. Significant tiredness, low energy or problems sleeping. The Treatment Specialist offers just this kind of assistance in locating the right inpatient detox center for your needs and budget alcohol withdrawal near me. The team of specialists are standing by to help match each person’s unique situation with the detox program best suited to offering treatment.

I usually realize that I'm too tired. There are days when I wake up already tired, and then I can't do the training. It happens when I work too much. You need the help of a psychologist, to understand the reasons, to improve your health. Everything will be fine.

I know about my mental health problems when I began feeling demotivated to do the things I love. It started around after the start of the 2nd quarter/(end of the first quarter) of the year 2020, at the time MCO started. I liked maths and science and studying them wasn't really a big pain but then I just lost alot of motivation to do those subjects. Told myself that perhaps Im just tired so I took alot of days off of studying but no change, was still unmotivated and had no energy to push myself. Eventually when school started, the mental health problems were at its peak and I couldn't find any effort to do anything. My family is the type to go "No effort? Then no need to study la." (not to mention they didn't want me to see a professional about it). Eventually I got to convince them that I needed to see one and learning about depression/anxiety disorders itself was a big relief.

If anyone is in need for online counselling services, do pm me. Thanks