So a little bit of background, my parents divorce when I was around 15 due to my father having an affair.

Before the divorce, they are very violent to each other especially in the last 1-2 years where they will argue for whole night long, attack and hit each other, my mother even tried to commit suicide on one day as I discovered when I came back from school. I used to remember living in fear that 1 day I will come back from school seeing either 1 of my parents dead, waking up from my sleep discovering my parents are dead as my mother kills my father in sleep and take her own life, or going to sleep and never wake up at all as my mother kills everyone in sleep and take her own life. So there are times that I keep having to hide all the knives and scissors just to feel safer.

I also remember that my mother used to drag me along with her as she went out late at night trying to catch my father with the woman he is having an affair with while keep telling me that my father has abandoned us.

On the day of divorce, my mother told me that my father does not want custody over me and my younger brother.

I often cried myself to sleep at night and to cope with all that I decided that if I stopped feeling then it will stop hurting.

20 years have passed since the incident and I think I have gone over it but from time to time I still cry whenever something brings up the memory. Sometimes I dreamed of the house I used to live in in my sleep. I also experienced cases where I cry myself awake from time to time but the dream does not seems to be related the my experience. Most of the time when I sleep it is either a dreamless sleep or episodes of violent nightmare night after night.

For the past few days I have been feeling disturbed and unable to stay calm, something just keeps pulling inside making it hard to get over my days. Now how do I know if I need to get help?

So what can I do? Should I go to any hospitals and just ask for an appointment with psychiatrist?

Or there will be some test that is required before I am scheduled for an appointment?

Last thing I want is for my family to know I have mental issue due to their divorce.

Accepting it is an issue, worse is when my mother blame herself for it.

Cried myself awake again this morning.

I only have 1 younger brother and he later moves back to stay with my father, so don't meet that frequently.

And currently I am not in Malaysia and won't be back for at least another 1 and a half month.

So I just have to deal with it as best as I can until I am back in Malaysia.

I am feeling OK now.

I am usually doing quite well suppressing the feeling but at the time I made this thread is when I felt the worst and it feels so hard to get over the days with the memory and feeling pulling inside.

But as of now I am feeling OK and under control.

I always thought I already accepted what has happened in the past is already in the past and cannot be changed, I am who I am because what happened in the past. So I don't really know what can I reflect upon.