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 Relationship Joke

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TSaLittleMisfit
post Sep 8 2010, 09:23 AM

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Logical scientist


Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second.

They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.

"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.

"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"

The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"

"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.

"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.

"Well, you're a wanker then!"
TSaLittleMisfit
post Sep 11 2010, 01:08 AM

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My best mate brought his new girl down the pub last night she's 5'9" blonde and looks like a glamour model, we all had too much to drink and ended up round my place, few more drinks followed and as i was grabbing another beer from the fridge I heard giggling in the other room I walked back into the lounge to find my mate on the sofa getting a deepthroat bj, he looked up and grinned at me as I stood there open mouthed, the girl looked up with a naughty look in her eyes, licking her lips and then asked me if I'd like a go! "Shit yeah!" I replied...

...I didn't realise cocks tasted so salty.
TSaLittleMisfit
post Sep 12 2010, 12:41 AM

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Some c*nt in a nightclub came up to me and said
"I get 20 times more girls than you do, haha."

I replied, "20 x 0 = 0"

That shut the f*cker up.
TSaLittleMisfit
post Sep 13 2010, 09:31 AM

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I was having sex the other day, banging away, when suddenly I stopped mid-thrust and stood really still.

"What are you doing?"

"Something I learn from online porn. It's called 'buffering'."
TSaLittleMisfit
post Sep 14 2010, 10:46 AM

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thanks guys.... more joke scouting on the way
---------------------------------------------------------


I was clubbing the other night and I was totally wasted. I walked up to this beautiful blonde and said, "Duck my sick!"

She said, "You're drunk - don't you mean suck my d1ck?"

I puked on her and said... "No!"
TSaLittleMisfit
post Sep 15 2010, 12:24 PM

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Robin's Grave


Robin Hood was lying dying in his bed. He called his merry band together to wish them a fond adieu and nominate his successor. After a tearful farewell and a kiss from Marion he announced that Little John would be the new leader and they should continue with his charitable work.

John stepped forward and thanked Robin for everything that he had done and asked what his final wish was. Robin asked for his bow and an arrow and to open the window. With some effort he pulled back the bow and let the arrow fly. "Bury me where the arrow lands" he gasped and fell back dead. So they buried him on top of the wardrobe.
TSaLittleMisfit
post Sep 16 2010, 11:28 PM

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My wife treats me like a god...

She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
TSaLittleMisfit
post Sep 18 2010, 12:37 AM

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I went to the doctor the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, and drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before".

"Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can".

I said, "I think my p3nis tastes funny..."
TSaLittleMisfit
post Sep 20 2010, 11:02 AM

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Heavy SM


A friend of mine is into "Heavy S and M." He enjoys nothing better than being beaten up by a vicious woman whilst naked and vulnerable. Anyway, he was telling me that he goes to brothels for this several times a week.

"F*ck me," I said, "that must cost you a fortune!"

"Nah," he replied, "I just book a normal service, f*ck her, then tell her I haven't got any money."
TSaLittleMisfit
post Sep 26 2010, 12:14 AM

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Husband and wife at sofa last night:

Husband: Honey, you remind me of an onion.

Wife: Because I have so many layers to my personality?

Husband: No...

Wife: Oh, OK, something stupid like you'll cry when you slice me up?

Husband: No...

Wife: OK, OK, you'd prefer it if I was battered?

Me: No...

Wife: You either love me or hate me? I'm good in small doses? I can be overpowering?...

Husband: No...

Wife: Oh, alright, why then?

Husband: You smell of onion.
TSaLittleMisfit
post Sep 27 2010, 08:26 PM

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Few Short Ones


Abra Lincorn Tweets:
The missus is asking me to the theater again... somebody, please shoot me!!


Daddy, why's Mummy no longer with us?"
"Hmm... How do I put this nicely? Well, Why did the chicken cross the road?"
"To get to the other side?"
"That's right! And like the chicken Mummy's gone to the other side aswell."
"Except Mummy only made it about half way across the road"


My friend just updated his status to
"I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is f*cking ridiculous.


I was waiting for my birthday gift when my girlfriend threw me a pile of hard papers.
"WTF is this?"
"eX-box", she replied!
TSaLittleMisfit
post Sep 29 2010, 12:21 AM

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Artificial "Companion"


I went to the sex shop the other day to buy a companion, I walked in and quickly grabbed the first one I saw. I then went to the counter, paid then left quickly.

When I got home I decided to try out my inflatable love interest so I went upstairs lit some candles then proceed to unpack my holey doll but when inflating my toy I discovered the bloody thing had a pen1s

Angrily I stuffed the doll back into the box and stormed back to the sex shop. I went up to the counter and slammed the box on to it and shouted at the shop keeper "what the f*ck is this?! I bought this sex doll off you and the damn thing has a huge penis!"

He examined it then calmly replies "but sir, your blowing it up inside out"
TSaLittleMisfit
post Oct 1 2010, 11:33 PM

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There was a knock at the door this morning, so the missus answered it and said

"its a salesmen with a bald head"

i said "tell him to f*ck off i already have one".
TSaLittleMisfit
post Oct 4 2010, 10:31 PM

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Pink Ping Pong


A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'
The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.
The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
`Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
`Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'
`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.
`I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.
The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.
`Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'
The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.

`Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.

The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.

`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'
It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.
The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.
`Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'
That night, the son spent on board the tanker.
The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.

His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'
Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'
`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.

`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'
The son nodded weakly.

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.
`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.
The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.

`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.

`I.... I........" he died.
TSaLittleMisfit
post Oct 6 2010, 09:02 PM

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1st date 101


Q: "Where do you come from?”
Never answer: “Right here”, and point downwards

When asking her the question: "Where do you come from?"
if She replied jokingly "From my mummy's tummy."
Never retort "Doesn't that technically make you a piece of shit?" unless you want to continue singlehood


Q: "What do you want in a woman?"
Never never answer 'my c0ck'
TSaLittleMisfit
post Oct 9 2010, 11:16 PM

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During a speedating:

What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?

Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.

And your strengths?


I'm Batman.


This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Oct 11 2010, 02:23 PM
TSaLittleMisfit
post Oct 11 2010, 02:24 PM

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My friend's doctor told him that he could not go out all night and get drunk anymore.

He married her.
TSaLittleMisfit
post Oct 12 2010, 11:16 PM

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An insane man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"

The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "F*ck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"

Patient replies I've been f*cked by an elephant".

The doctor says "An elephants pen1s is long and thin, this hole is enormous".

Patient replies "He fingered me first".
TSaLittleMisfit
post Oct 14 2010, 12:17 PM

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Voodoo d1ck


A young woman's husband was going on a business trip for a week, with her not being the kind of woman to stray, she asked her husband to get her a toy to play with while he was away.

Without any hesitation her husband drove to Ann Summers and picked out the first toy he could find. When he got back his wife tried it out and said to her husband that the toy he had bought didn't satisfy her as much as he did. While obviously taking this as a compliment he went back to Ann Summers and with the help of a member of staff, picked out a much better toy. Again as she tried the toy out, it did not satisfy her as much as she would like.

After another couple of trips to Ann Summers and his wife still not being satisfied, he went back to the shop and told the woman "None of these toys on view are to my wife's needs, have you got anything in the back that could do the job?"
"Come into the back, i might have just the thing!"
"This, is the 'Voodoo d***'... Watch this!....'Voodoo d***', the door!" she shouts.
Almost immediately the toy jumps off the table and flies towards the door, and after 2 minutes the door falls off the hinges.
"Perfect! This should do the trick" he says

So off he goes home to his wife and explains how the toy starts, then leaves for his trip knowing the toy he has purchased will do the job. Later on that night his wife gets the toy out, puts it on the table and says "Voodoo d***, my p@ssy!" to which the toy jumps off the table and does its job.

After half an hour of playing with her toy and the woman clearly satisfied, she attempts to pull the toy out of he ***** and remembers her husband didnt tell her how to stop and remove the 'Voodoo d***'. The woman immediately jumps in her car and heads for the hospital. With the toy still in her ***** and still turned on she is driving erratically over the road. Halfway to the hospital she gets pulled over by the Police. The officer steps out of her car and asks why she is driving like a maniac, to which she replies "I have a Voodoo d*** stuck in my *****!"

The officer, clearly in disbelief turns to walk back towards his vehicle and says "Voodoo d*** my arse!".....

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Oct 14 2010, 12:18 PM
TSaLittleMisfit
post Oct 14 2010, 11:16 PM

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lame one


Boy: I think you are ABCDEFGHIJK.
Girl: What does that mean?
Boy: Adorable, beautiful, charming, delightful, elegant, feisty, gorgeous and hot.
Girl: And the 'IJK'?

Boy: I'm just kidding


Added on October 14, 2010, 11:18 pmBoyfriend: Have you heard about that actress thats been stabbed? Cant remember her last name, Reese...?

Girlfriend: Witherspoon?

Boyfriend: No, with a knife.


Added on October 14, 2010, 11:55 pmThere was an awkward silence in Chile after one of the miner's girlfriends suggested they rushed home to have sex, asking "your place or mine"

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Oct 14 2010, 11:55 PM

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