Two nuns were driving down a dark road in Transylvania. All of a sudden, Dracula appears in the middle of the road. The car slams to a halt in front of the vampire. The first nun turns to the second and says:
"Oh dear. Better show him your cross"

To this, the second nun rolls down her window, sticks her head out and yells:

"Get out the road you fanged moron!"

Careful Now


Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist.

As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.

The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."

The woman replies, "Yes...And we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we..."

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Misadventure in the Woods


One day Little Red Riding Hood decided to go to Grandmothers house when she was stopped by her mother, heading out the door.

Her mom says, "Red, you better be careful out there, the Big Bad Wolf might find you, and he'll flip up your little red dress, pull down your little red panty's, and bang your little red socks off."

Red smiles "Don't worry mom, i'll be alright."

She dosen't get within a mile to her grandma's house, and suddenly stopped, by the rabbit.

The rabbit says, "Red, watch out, the wolf's after you, and he'll flip up your little red dress, pull down your little red panty's, and bang your little red socks off."

Red smiles and says "Don't worry rabbit, i'll be careful."

A little closer to grandma's house until she was stopped again, this time, the squirrel pops out of the bushes and runs out of breath to her.
He says "Red, you better run, the wolf is near, and he'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panty's and bang your little red socks off."
Red becomes angry, and says "Don't worry, i'll be fine."
Red stops for a second to cool off, and looks over her left shoulder to find the wolf starring at her. He walks over to her and says, "Red, i warned you, i've got you where i want you, and now im going to flip up your little red dress, pull down your little red panty's and bang your little red socks off."

So he throws her on the ground and flips up her little red dress and pauses. He looks up to find Red with a gun in her hand.
She points it directly at his head and says "No wolf, your going to eat me like the book says."

Employee Reviews

The following are excerpts from federal employee performance evaluations.

* "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

* "His men would follow him anywhere but only out of morbid curiosity."

* "This associate is really not so much a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

* "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

* "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change feet."

* "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

* "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

* "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

* "This employee should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better we'll be."

* "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

* "This employee should not be allowed to breed."

* "This man has the whole six pack but is missing the plastic thingy that holds them all together."

* "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

* "He doesn't have ulcers, but he is a carrier."

* "He's been working with glue too much."

* "He would argue with a signpost."

* "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

* "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

* "Is apparently very careful with equipment, as his tools show very little signs of wear."

Caused of Mad cow disease


A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

Blonde and the K-9 unit


The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it's superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcasted the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, sat down on the steps put her face in her hands and moaned:

"I come home to find all my possessions stolen."
"I call the police for help, and what do they do?"
"They send me a BLIND policeman!"

Dead Will


A millionaire informs his attorney, "I want a stipulation in my Will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death." "Why such an odd stipulation?" asked the attorney. "Because I want someone to be sorry I died!" came the reply.

God's Football Team vs Devil's Team


God, and the devil were each having a holiday in hyper-space. The topic of conversation turned to who could turn out the best football team. Much to the God's surprise the devil proposed a football match to settle their dispute.

As God was leaving he said to the devil, 'Don't you realise that all the 'good' players go to heaven?"

The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs!"

Blonde Gone Fishing.


Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course!!), new to boating was having problems.

No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22ft Bayliner to perform.

It wouldn't plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran, the out drive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath only to come up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer

Do you know how to have sex?


A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door. When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex?

Not amused, she slammed the door.

Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!"

Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex,

she said, "Yes!"

The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!"

When you are PMS


Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.

The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

You are using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****.

Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

You're counting down the days until menopause.

You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

Inflation allows you to live in a more expensive neigbourhood without moving

One day, President Bush was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a local lounge, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?"

She replied, $200."

To the brunette he asked the same question. Her reply was $100.

He then asked the redhead.

Her reply was, "Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, and keep it rising like the gas prices, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you do the public, then believe me, Mr. President, it isn't going to cost you a damn cent."

Bad weather had backed up all flights, and as a result our plane sat on the runway for three hours. All attempts to placate the passengers weren't working. Then the pilot came on the intercom to announce his umpteenth update: "Folks, we'll be getting permission to take off, but I have to tell you that we're 26th in line for departure."

As a collective groan filled the aircraft, a flight attendant took the mike and added, "Ladies and gentlemen, please close your window shades. We'll soon be showing our almost-inflight hit movie, 'Anger Management.'"

Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death ... we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

A police offer pulls a man over for speeding. He sees that the man is very anxious.

"Why were you speeding, Sir?"

"It's a matter of life and death."

"How's that?"

"A naked woman's waiting for me at home."
"That's life and death?"


"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."


This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Sep 1 2010, 01:39 PM

After an excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend, Mitch remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell p***y on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times & on top of that gargled 1 liter of Listerine. As he arrived at the dentist he sucked 2 strong mints.

His turn came up & the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed, Mitch opened his mouth wide.

The dentist got close enough & said, "Man, did you have 69 before you came here?"

Mitch said, "Does my breath smell like p***y?"

The dentist replied, "No, your forehead smells like shit."

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Sep 1 2010, 01:40 PM

Wacking Party


Fred goes to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of V1agra. The doctor tells him that he can’t give him a double dose.

“Why not?” asks Fred. “Because it’s not safe,” replies the doctor.

“But I need it really bad,” argues Fred. “Well, why do you need it so badly?” asks the doctor.

“My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.”

The doctor finally relents saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there were any side effects.”

On Monday, Fred drags himself in; his right arm in a sling.
“What happened to you?” asks the doctor.

Fred replies, “Nobody showed up.”

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Sep 4 2010, 02:51 PM

Rookie mistake Wayne, if GTA has taught me anything then it is to always kill the prostitute with a bat after bedding them.