Sophies Wedding


On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.

Panic.

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day.

Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were agony.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.' 'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.' Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.'

Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said 'My God. That was even tighter.' That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'

Minister Planning A Wedding


A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service. After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

Stepping out of the shower, the man observes to the wife, "Don't you think my penis is a little bigger?"

"You wish!"

He persists, so she looks more closely. She professes not knowing for sure.

The next morning the man insists his penis is getting larger. The wife measures it with a tape measure to set a baseline.

Each morning for a week the wife measures the man's penis, and each morning it is 1/4 inch longer. By the time they can see a doctor, another week has passed. The doctor schedules "surgical intervention" and asks if either of them has any questions. The wife asks, "How long will he need crutches?"

"Why," the doctor responds, "Do you expect he'll need crutches?"

"Well, you are making his legs longer, aren't you?"

Newly weds


British newlyweds on their honeymoon.

Two newlyweds showed up at a top London hotel and asked for the honeymoon suite.

"Do you have reservations?" asked the desk clerk.

"Only one," replied the groom, "she won't take it up the arse."

Cannibals


Two canibals are sitting around a fire the first one says, "my mother in law sucks",

the other says, "here try the pork."

A Woman Prayer


A women goes to bed at night irritated at her husband so she decides for once in her life to pray, and this is what she said:

"God give me tolerance for my husbands stupidity,
give me wisdom to understand him,
give me forgiveness to forgive him of his ignorance,

but please God I beg of thee don’t give me strength cause I’ll kill him!"

What is your prayer?

The Wishing Well

A guy and his girlfriend went to a wishing well.
The guy drops a penny and makes a wish.
His girlfriend also wanted to make a wish, so she bent over to drop her penny, but she leaned too far and fell down the well and drowned.

The guy said, "Wow, it really does work!"

Lawyer's Affair


For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a ba$tard in the family than a lawyer."

Great Wife: Do you love me?
Husband: Yap.
Great Wife: What is "yap", what is your meaning?
Husband: Love!
Great Wife: Whom do you love?
Husband: You!
Great Wife: No! You better say it clearly.
Husband: Alright.
Great Wife: Hurry up, say quickly! If you do not say today, do not think of sleeping tonight.
Husband: I love you...
Great Wife: This is what you said willingly. I did not force you!

Great Wife: Dear, please come over here! Look at that window, the husband helping the wife to massage. You better watch carefully and learn hard!



Great Wife: Dear, eat this apple.
Husband: Thanks, I do not want it, you eat it.
Great Wife: Oh, then I eat that good one, this one rotted.

Are You Stupid?


One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.

He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

"Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you’re a moron?" the professor asked.

The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself."

Lesbia


Two drunken men are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "I can have any woman I want in here." The other guy looks around and spots a table with a lady sitting by herself. "Bet ya can't get that one."

"Why not?" asks the other. "Because she's a lesbian" laughs the other guy.

"Lesbian or no lesbian, that woman is mine." So he saunters on over to the table and the lady looks at him with disgust.

"Can I help you?" She replies.

"You sure can sweet thing. Tell me, what part of lesbia exactly are you from."

Great Wife: Get back home now. You go ahead.
Husband: How about you?
Great Wife: I'll go behind and you pull me up the staircase!

The next day

Great Wife: Now my turn to go in front.
Husband: Oh, that is good.
Great Wife: This time you push me up the staircase!

Two elderly couple was lying in the bed.

"You used to hold my hands when we were in bed." said his wife.
Grudgingly the man held her hands for a few seconds.

"You used to kiss me good night before we slept." said the woman.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and turned away onto his side.

"You used to bite my ears before we made love." said the woman.
He jumped out of bed and walked towards the door.
"Where are you going?"

"To get my teeth."

What is the most common pregnancy craving?

For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

You Americans!


World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle agedlady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, Sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

"And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong b1tch out the window."

Sex Education


Part of the reason some parents don't object to sex educations recently.


Parent : I do not want my girl to take the SEX EDUCATION class.

Teacher : Why not?

Parent : Someone told me the FINAL EXAM would be oral!

when Love Fades......


Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's' voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, *******. I was talking to the cat."

Making Cakes


There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

You ONLY love him because
you fear that he's the only one
that would love you back