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Jokes of the day, Compilation
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TSAydee
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 Feb 8 2017, 12:52 PM
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During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalam, George's mother-in-law died.
With death certificates in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the states for proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the
mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the states for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.
The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.
George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."
The Consul, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much consdering the difference in price."
"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead !
I just can't take that chance.
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TSAydee
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Feb 8 2017, 12:54 PM
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A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.
'To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,' the attorney reads.
'To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.'
'And finally,' the lawyer concludes, 'to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!'
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TSAydee
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Feb 8 2017, 12:55 PM
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Two natural gas company service personnel, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of an alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. When they finished, the senior supervisor, proud of his physical condition, challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to their truck.
As they approached the truck, they realized that the woman from the last house they checked was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run, too!"
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TSAydee
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Feb 8 2017, 12:57 PM
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Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."
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TSAydee
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Feb 9 2017, 10:45 AM
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The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. 'This,' he said, 'is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it.'
A smart-aleck who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, 'Where is my father?'
There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: 'Fishing off Florida.'
The smart-aleck laughed, 'Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question.'
The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.
The smart-aleck said to the Ultimate Computer, 'Where is my mother's husband?' Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room.
After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said, 'Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida.'
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TSAydee
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Feb 21 2017, 08:55 AM
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A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army.
"But wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too, won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well? Won't they find out?"
"And who's gonna tell?"
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TSAydee
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Feb 21 2017, 08:56 AM
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Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."
There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."
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TSAydee
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Feb 21 2017, 08:57 AM
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An old country preacher was fishing one afternoon when he noticed a frog sitting next to him. The frog said, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”The old preacher smiled, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. After a while, he looked into his pocket to see how the frog was doing.The frog said again, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”The preacher just smiled and kept on fishing. When he checked on the frog again, it said, “What’s wrong with you, fella? I said I’ve been bewitched. Just kiss me and I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and make you the happiest man on earth for the rest of your life!”The old preacher just smiled and said, “Frog, I’m sorry to tell you this…but at my age, I’d rather have a talking frog than a beautiful princess!”
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TSAydee
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Feb 21 2017, 08:57 AM
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The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.
"I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the drinking."
"Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?"
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TSAydee
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Feb 23 2017, 02:40 PM
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Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away."
The second lady said, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can't remember whether I was on my up, or on my way down."
The third lady chimed in, "Well, I'm glad I don't have those problems. Knock on wood." With that, she rapped her knuckles on the table, then said, "That must be the door. I'll get it."
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TSAydee
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Mar 3 2017, 03:42 PM
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A business man got on an elevator.when he entered,there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright ,"t-g-i-f"
He smiled at her and replied,"s-h-i-t"
She looked puzzled,and repeated,"t-g-i-f".
More slowly he answered,"s-h-i-t"
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly,so,she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly,"t-g-i-f"
The man smiled back to her and once again"s-h-i-t".
The exasperated blonde decided to explain what "t-g-i-f" means "thank goodness it`s friday",get it duuhhh?
The man answered"s-h-i-t" means "sorry honey it`s thursday."
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TSAydee
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Mar 3 2017, 03:44 PM
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Joan invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' Joan answered.
The girl thought for a minute, then bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
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TSAydee
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Mar 3 2017, 03:53 PM
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An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.
Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."
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TSAydee
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Mar 3 2017, 03:55 PM
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A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster announces that six Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident.
The blonde starts sobbing uncontrollably.
Confused, her husband says: "It is sad, but they were skydiving. There were risks involved."
"I know," the blonde says. "But how many is a Brazilian?"
Brazilian = Brazillion
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TSAydee
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Mar 3 2017, 03:56 PM
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Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"
Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
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TSAydee
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Mar 7 2017, 11:02 AM
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A 50 year old lady was standing next to the railing on a cruise ship.
She was using both hands to hold her hat onto her head so it wouldn't blow away.
A gentleman approached the lady and said,"Maám,..I am sorry to bother you but the wind is blowing your dress up".
The lady replied,"Sir, if I take my hands of my hat it will blow away"
Ï understand, Maám but,..you aren't waring any panties", replied the gentleman
The lady looked down then back up at the gentleman abd said'
"Sir, anything you see down there is 50 years old, I bought this hat yesterday..."
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TSAydee
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Mar 16 2017, 08:11 PM
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A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?", the man asked.
The wife replied,"That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket!"
The man then said,"When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on."
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan,
knocking him unconscious.
Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she hit him again.
The wife replied,"Your horse phoned!
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TSAydee
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Mar 16 2017, 08:25 PM
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A young sexy woman passing by a pet shop saw a board - "Monkey who does great sex"
She went in, bought that monkey and walked away with the instruction manual.
The manual said "Give a good bath to the monkey, then you take a bath. Make him sit on the bed and you lie down without wearing anything.
Leave the rest to the monkey. Repeat all the steps for repeat performance.
Accordingly, the woman gave the monkey a bath, bathed herself and slept on the bed naked. Monkey did nothing.
Disappointed, she again gave him a bath, bathed herself again and lied down naked on the bed. Still the monkey just looked and
did nothing.
She referred the manual to see if she did everything right and it was all according to the instructions.
Then she read a note at the next page.
It said : In case of no activity, call the shop owner for support.
She called the owner and her arrived in 10 minutes.
He asked the woman to lie down naked on the bed. He then looked at the monkey and shouted...
"This is the last time I'm teaching you...!
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TSAydee
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Mar 16 2017, 08:47 PM
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The Students at a University were attending their first Biochemistry class.
They all gathered around the Lab table with a urine sample.
The Professor dip his finger in the urine sample and tasted it in his own mouth. Then he asked the students to do exactly the same as he did.
The students hesitated for several minutes, but at last everyone dipped their finger in the urine sample and tasted it...
When everyone was finished, the Professor looked at them and said:
The most important Quality is Observation'.'
I dipped my MIDDLE finger but tasted the INDEX finger. Today you just learned : "How to pay attention!
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TSAydee
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Mar 24 2017, 10:35 AM
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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope..just when it's raining.'
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