Jokes of the day, Compilation
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 Jan 20 2017, 03:02 PM
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#681
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire 
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A woman taking golf lessons had just started her first round when she was stung by a bee. Distraught, she went back into the clubhouse and told her golf teacher about the incident.
"Where did it sting you?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole," she replied. He shook his head and said: "That's your problem right there. You had your feet too far apart!" |
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Jan 20 2017, 03:03 PM
Return to original view | IPv6 | Post
#682
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
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Jan 20 2017, 03:04 PM
Return to original view | IPv6 | Post
#683
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church, listening to the organ play. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!" |
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Jan 20 2017, 03:07 PM
Return to original view | IPv6 | Post
#684
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things."
The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'" The first woman asked, "Did it help?" Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him |
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Jan 20 2017, 03:09 PM
Return to original view | IPv6 | Post
#685
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain..." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say..." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." |
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Jan 20 2017, 03:12 PM
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#686
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another fellow and immediately notices that the guy has a very large disposable Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says: "Wow, cool lighter. Where did you get it?"
The second guy replies: "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish." "Great, can I try it?" the first guy asks. "Sure," the second guy replies. The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish," says the genie. The first guy says: "I want a million bucks!" "Done," says the genie and disappears. A few minutes go by, and suddenly the bar door swings open and thousands and thousands of ducks start pouring in. "I can't believe this," says the first guy: "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" The second guy turns to him and says: "Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch Bic?" |
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Jan 20 2017, 03:18 PM
Return to original view | IPv6 | Post
#687
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A man was upset because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided that he would go to church that Sunday and steal one from the vestibule.
Unfortunately, the usher saw the man come in and before he could go into the vestibule, the usher led him to a pew, where the preacher was just beginning a sermon on the Ten Commandments. After church, the man went up to the preacher and, shook his hand and said: "I want to thank you for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat, but after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I changed my mind." "Why, that's wonderful," the preacher said: "So the commandment 'Thou shalt not steal' changed your mind, did it?" "No, it wasn't that commandment," the man said: "It was the one about adultery. It reminded me where I left my hat!" |
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Jan 20 2017, 03:21 PM
Return to original view | IPv6 | Post
#688
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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After dating a young lady for some time a young man decides it is time to marry her.
He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the day comes. On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. However the pastor has a plan. The service proceeds as planned the vows are exchanged etc. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him. Can you please pay me? Not wanting to create a seen the young man asked. How much do I owe you? The pastor thinks quickly and replies, pay me according to your wife's beauty. The young man discretely pulled out five dollars and gave it to the pastor. Although annoyed by this, the pastor continues the ceremony and says; you may now kiss the bride. At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and promptly hand the groom four dollars and fifty cents. |
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Jan 20 2017, 03:23 PM
Return to original view | IPv6 | Post
#689
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!" |
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Jan 20 2017, 03:34 PM
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#690
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!" |
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Jan 20 2017, 03:37 PM
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#691
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The devil meets him at the gate and says, "Alright, you have died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So let's get started."
The devil opens Door One. The guy looks in and sees a couple of people standing on their heads on a Concrete floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on." The devil opens Door Two. The guy sees a few more people standing on their heads on a Wood floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on." The devil opens Door Three. The guy sees a bunch of people standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee. The guy says, "Great, this is the one I will chose." The devil says, "OK, wait right here, I will get you some coffee." The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn't so bad. What's the big deal? After about 10 minutes a voice comes over the loud speaker saying, "Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!" |
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Feb 3 2017, 03:32 PM
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#692
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"? |
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Feb 3 2017, 03:32 PM
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#693
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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An idiot was taking sky-diving lessons. The instructor explained that it was time for his first jump, and all he had to do was jump from the plane, count to six, and pull the rip cord. A truck would be waiting for him in the field where he would land.
The man jumped from the plane when he was told to, and counted to six. When he pulled the rip cord, the parachute wouldn't open. He tried the reserve chute and that didn't open. Frustrated, he muttered to himself as he fell, "I'll bet the damn truck won't be waiting for me either." |
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Feb 3 2017, 03:33 PM
Return to original view | IPv6 | Post
#694
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "They're up in bed."
The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied, "They're still up in bed." Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied, "They're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here?" The little boy replied, "Well, last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue." |
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Feb 3 2017, 03:36 PM
Return to original view | IPv6 | Post
#695
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog." |
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Feb 3 2017, 03:38 PM
Return to original view | IPv6 | Post
#696
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."
Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority." Female Employee: "And I'm a woman." Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin." To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..." |
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Feb 3 2017, 03:39 PM
Return to original view | IPv6 | Post
#697
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The newlywed Blonde went to the store to ask how to operate the new coffeemaker received as a wedding gift. The salesman carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready. A few weeks later the goober was back in the store and the salesman asked her how she liked the coffee maker. "Wonderful!" she replied, "But... it's just awfully inconvenient to have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee." |
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Feb 8 2017, 12:47 PM
Return to original view | IPv6 | Post
#698
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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It is pouring rain in the flood plain of the Mississippi Valley, and the rising river begins to threaten all manner of private homes, including that of the local Rabbi.
With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous." The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me." Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of his house.A second police rowboat comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous." The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me." The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the officer shouts down, "Rabbi, grab the rope and we'll pull you up! You're in terrible danger!" The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me." The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off the roof, carried away in the current and drowns. He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gates he is admitted, and comes before the Divine Presence. The Rabbi asks, "Dear Lord, I don't understand. I've been a righteous observant person my whole life, and depended on you to save me in my hour of need. Where were you?" And the Lord answered, "I sent two boats and a helicopter, what more do you want?" |
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Feb 8 2017, 12:48 PM
Return to original view | IPv6 | Post
#699
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Betty, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Most local residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. However, she made a mistake when she recently accused Ted, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar one afternoon. Ted, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and walked away. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night. |
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Feb 8 2017, 12:49 PM
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#700
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A homeless man, down on his luck, went into a Catholic church that was known for its rather “uppity” social reputation. Spotting the man’s dirty clothes, the ushers stopped him outside the church door and asked if he needed help. The man told them, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.”The ushers suggested that the man go away and pray some more and me might get a different answer.The following Sunday the man returned and the ushers again stopped him at the door. “Well, did you get a different answer?” they asked him.“Yes, I did,” said the man. “I told the Lord that you don’t want me here, but the Lord said, ‘Keep trying, son. I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and I haven’t made it yet either.”
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