APARTMENT for RENT
THIS IS TOO FUNNY ... SOMETHING TO START THE DAY OFF!!!

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
The night with her for $500. They did their thing,
And, before he left, he told her that he did
Not have any cash with him, but he would have his
Secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling
The payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
Done, realizing that the whole event had not been
Worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note:





'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your
Apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
Because when I rented the place, I was under the
Impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
Returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:



'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
Beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
Know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
Regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
To fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
To contact your present landlady...

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Mumbai. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.



"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for
money.."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.

I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.

If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."*
**************************************************


Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"*
***************************************************


A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother."*
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."*
*******************************************************


What is the definition of Mistress?*
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.*
**************************************************


Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE??*
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies, "No, It means, "With Idiot For Ever" !"*
***************************************************


What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?*
Stress is when wife is pregnant,*
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,*
and Panic is when both are pregnant.*
**************************************************


A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"*
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these
are customer complaints".*
***********************************************************


A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and
confidential?"*
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."*
***********************************************************


Nominated as the best short joke this year...*
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.*
“Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.*

The Naive Bride


The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison."

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Dead Camel

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. “Well sister, this looks pretty grim.”

“I know father.” “In fact. I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”
“I agree”, says the Father, “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?”
“Anything Father.”

“I have never seen a woman’s breast and I was wondering if I might see yours.”

“Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.”

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on her beauty.

“Sister would you mind if I touched them?”

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. “Father, could I ask you something
of you?”

“Yes Sister?”

“I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?”

“I suppose that would be OK,” the priest replied lifting his robe.

“Oh father, may I touch it?”

This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling, he was sporting a huge erection.

“Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.”

“Is that true father?”

“Yes it is, sister.”

“Then why don’t you stick it in that camel and let’s get the hell out of here.”

Teacher:
Can u tell the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness & peace in to people's lives?

student:
Smo-king ,Drin-king & fuc-king

A Hooker's Tax Return

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions.' He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks, 'What is your occupation?' The woman replies, 'I'm a whore.

'The accountant balks and says, 'No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that.' The woman, 'OK, I'm a prostitute.''No, that is still too crude. Try again.' They both think for a minute, then the woman states, 'I'm a chicken farmer.' The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?'


'Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.'

Beware !

IDIOT SIGHTING

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department
and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His
reply: 'I know. I already got that side.’

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS



IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.’

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.

She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so,
and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.


Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING :
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township
administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’

From Kingman , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell
and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

From Kansas City

>IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,
'That's why we ask.’

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’

She was a probation officer inWichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company
due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING :

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.



STAY ALERT!

They walk among us .... and they VOTE

A stark-naked drunken woman

jumped into a vacant cab.

The Indian driver was immediately beside himself

and just kept on staring at the woman.

He makes no attempt to start the car.


“What's wrong with you sunshine,

haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?”


“I'll not be staring at you lady,

I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from".

"Well if you’re not bloody staring at me matey, what are you doing then?

"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself,

where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."

Glad to hear that. I will continue to share if i have more jokes then since there is someone out there appreciate it.

I enable notification thru email if theres any new post.

Oh haha, just changed it.Cats are cute <3 Mail accumulated 50 now. Will check when free

Voted Best Joke in Ireland

John Murphy hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."


She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

This post has been edited by ~Mew~: Nov 11 2010, 01:59 PM

Tickets"

I went to the store the other day, I was only
in there for about 5 minutes and when I
came out there was a damn motorcycle
cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up
to him and said, "Come on buddy, how
about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the
ticket. So I called him a pencil necked
storm trooper. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him a horse sh*t. He finished
the second ticket and put it on the car with
the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the
more I abused him, the more tickets he
wrote.....

To be honest I really didn't care.... My car
was parked around the corner......

---

Added on November 11, 2010, 2:23 pmNew Weight Loss Program - think you want to sell it?


A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 35 kg as soon as possible
due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he
would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED
WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself.
But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day / 5 kg
weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers,
there
stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady
dressed in nothing but Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"'
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles
later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with
her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I
like the way this company does business!"
The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing
happens.
On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he
has lost 5 kg as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day / 10 kg program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the
most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life,
wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck
that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door or
after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch
her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.
For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his
delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost
another 10 kg, as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day/25 kg program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the
phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely!", he replies. "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he
finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running
shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're
mine."

This post has been edited by ~Mew~: Nov 11 2010, 02:23 PM

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
>sex nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
>want."
> >
> So he tied her up and went golfing.
> >
> > ***********************************************
> >
>A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
>the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
>"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
> >
>The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
>mountain stuff?"
> >
>"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
> >
> > ***********************************************
> >
>Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the

>other is a husband.
> >
> > ***********************************************
> >
>A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
> >
>First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
> >
>The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C

>Z' "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
> >
>"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
> >
> > ************************************************
> >
>Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
>tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
> >
>"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
>chardonnay."
> >
> > ************************************************
> >
>A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly,
>her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put
>in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO
>MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
>WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
>Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
>you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you

>LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget
>to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
> >
>The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
>think don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
> >
>The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
>when I'm driving."
> >
> > **************************************************
> >
>Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
>drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army
>issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his
>hair.
> >
>On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon

>the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
> >
>On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been
>looking for Herman for 51 years.

Me too. The funny part is on the xxx99@hotmail.com??

THis one i think its old joke le.. anyway i just share it

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a
short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex
life
would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the
honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The
card
said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to
the
kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop."
Mom
blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card
from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson &
Hedges".
The mom went straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the
Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly
embarrassed but still happy for her daughter. The third girl left for
her
honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week
went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally
arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways".
Mom
took out her weekly magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the
worst,
and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said: Three times a
day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted.....

Wah! How long did you took to readh 71 pages @@

Summer Romance

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to
grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.
You came to me unexpectedly during the calm and balmy night, and what
happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from no where and shamelessly, without any reservations,
you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied
your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you
drove me near crazy while you drained me.
Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail,
only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making
it all the more difficult to forget you.



Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you........



f**king mosquito.

I'll do it if i remember to add in your email