Is that a forum bot?

I might be not so good at technical stuff but i understand that it is something bad which i shouldn't do anything with that mail. Am i right?

FEMALE COMPASSION


A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, one from England, one Welsh, and one Scottish, were walking passed and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f***ed?' The man broke into a big smile and said, ‘No, no never!'


She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

First Affair



'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying *******!
You've been playing golf!'





The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son...

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'




The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Bob,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Bob had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Bob,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Bob is dead!'



The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned!
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'




The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the =enu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'




The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess..'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison =ork.'

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped

some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them

up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her

dress !



Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on

the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get

some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything

that you liked under there?"



Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed

he did.



She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."



After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of

this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that

since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn't, he

should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.



When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m.

sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the

bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.



John then quickly dressed and left.



As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the

house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"



With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a

few minutes this afternoon."



Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And

did he give you $500?"



In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and

after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he

did give me $500".



Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,

"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and

borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this

afternoon on his way home and pay me back."



Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player !

Little Bruce

Mohammed entered his classroom.

"What is your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammed".... answered the kid.

"We are in Australia and, there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.

"My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce."

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you," and she beat him.

Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.

The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher

saw him with all the bruises she asked:

"What happened to you little Bruce?"

"Well, Miss, 2 hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two f***in’ Arabs!..."

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the Middle
of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer
her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but
succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He Called his wife for assistance,
after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her
date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's' date said he
could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then
proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow
hard. When the father blew, The peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted
that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so
wonderful! Isn't he smart, What do you think he's going To be when he grows
older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son In-law.'

Cheer up bro/sis. Whatever happens, just stay calm the first thing. Being happy is the best thing in the world. All the best on your complications.

DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY


Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn into stone.
A part of me is getting hard already!

RESEARCH FINDING


Research shows men are fatter than women because every-night men get fresh milk & 2 big papayas while women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of starch!

ARAB MAN

An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls'?
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !"

SERVICE

Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service"

HAPPY MAN

What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy and...
Wife on the cover of "missing persons"

SWIMSUIT

Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.
GOOD AMBITION
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

DENTIST

Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly. "

VIRGIN

Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read :
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "

OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL

75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything and he had forgotten everything.

I got that Pope's joke in email too but then doubting to post it as contained religious context. Haha..

Haha... just on precaution side. Dont want to be flame for nothing. Religious stuff is already a sensitive thing haha..(not really to me)

(This is not really funny anyway i just share it)

Subject: Recruitment By a Singapore law firm .


There is this Law firm, LEE & LEE Associates, whose owner is very religious. His fengshui sifu told him that he can only hire lawyers with surname "LEE" to work under him, and strangely he managed to get all the LEE lawyers to work for him!

One day my friend TunaSingh, who had graduated from a law school, asked for an interview in LEE's Law firm. Strangely this LEE asked him to come for the interview without asking whether his name is closely associated with "LEE" or not.

During the interview everything went smoothly till the end where LEE told TunaSingh :

LEE : I'm actually very impressed with your resume, but there is one problem.

Tuna : What is the problem sir?

LEE : Well you see . . . I only hire lawyers whose names are closely related to "LEE" and your name is TunaSingh. I don't see it has any relation to "LEE" so . . .

Tuna : Are you a racist?
LEE : Sorry, but this is what my fengshui sifu told me . . . I dare not defy him..!

Tuna : Ok, I understand . . . not to worry.

LEE : Thank you for your time and effort.

That night TunaSingh came to tell us his problem and asked us if we could help him to come up with a name that is closely related to "LEE" and also a name that will not change his status as a Sikh. After hours of yamseng, we finally found a name that is 100% suitable for him!

Next day, TunaSingh went back to find LEE . . .

LEE : Eh . . . TunaSingh, I thought I told you we only hire lawyers with name closely related to "LEE."

Tuna : Yes you did! That's why I come back here for my job..!

LEE : But your name does not have any relation with "LEE..!"

Tuna : O, don't worry about that! I consulted my Chinese friends and they gave me a new name.
I just went to the registration department to have my name changed.

LEE : Change name..?? So... what's your new n! ame now..?

Tuna : Now my name is "Bangga-LEE" sir!

Lol i was about to post this and i saw it now.

Confusing Chinese Names

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?


Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.


Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!


Operator : You are talking to someone! Who is this?


Caller : I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent.


Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?


Caller : Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one)has involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one)got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.


Operator : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!


Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?


Operator : I'm Saw Lee (Sorry).


Caller : Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!!
======================================================


Why Chinese shouldn't have Christian names:

Anne Chang => Dirty (Mandarin)
Anne Chin => Keep Quiet (Mandarin)
Faye Chen => Dusty (Mandarin)
Carl Cheng => Buttock (Hokkien)
Monica Cheng => Touching your buttocks (Hokkien)
Lucy Leow => You are dead (Hokkien)
Jane Tan => Frying eggs (Mandarin)
Suzie Leow => Lose till death (Hokkien)
Henry Mah => Hate your mum (Mandarin)
Corrine Tai => Poor fellow (Hokkien)
Paul Chan => Bankrupt (Mandarin)
Nelson Tan => Bird laying eggs (Mandarin)
Leslie Tong => Rubbish Bin (Mandarin)
Carmen Teng => Leg hair long (Hokkien)
Connie Mah => Call your mother (Cantonese)
Danny See => Squeeze you to death (Hokkien)
Rosie Teng => Screws and nails (Hokkien)
Pete Tsai => Nose droppings (Hokkien)
Macy Koh => Never die before (Cantonese)

So hardcore.

EGG

There was once a Indian and an Pakistani who lived next door to each other. The Indian owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Pakistani's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Pakistani pick up the egg. The Indian ran up to the Pakistani and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Pakistani disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Indian said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, who ever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Pakistani agreed to this and so the Indian found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Pakistani and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Pakistani fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Pakistani stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Indian said, "Keep the damn egg!"

Dog walking

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'


Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'

'What does that mean?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'



The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

Ah Beng bought a new mobile.

He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said, 'My Mobile No.
Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'



====================================

Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in MedicalCollege.

Friend: Really, what is he studying.

Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.



==========================================

Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.

DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.

Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.



===========================================

Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?

Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?

Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.



=========================================

Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD'

Wife: How do you know??

Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U have
come again.



===========================================

Ah Beng complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing,

except the TV in my house.'

Police: 'How the thief did not take TV?'

Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV news...'



=========================================

Ah Beng comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'. He
Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for complement.'



=============================================

How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?

He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases
the board.



===============================================

Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other. So
the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast
announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it
would be hot.



==================================================

Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and Says
'Hello, how did you know I was here?'



===================================================

Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?

Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup.

Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?



===================================================

Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense

Ah Beng : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'



=====================================================

Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'

Servant: 'It's already raining.'

Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'

When I say I am broke...


Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration..' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a f*****g good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke' do you not understand?'

---

Added on August 18, 2011, 1:04 pm

Premature Ejaculation.



A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go

to the doctor.



He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the

doctor said, 'When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try

startling yourself.'



That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter

pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.



At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two

began, they found themselves in the 69 position.



The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the

starter pistol.



The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, 'How did

it go?'



The man answered, 'Not that well ... when I fired the pistol, my wife peed

in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the

closet with his hands in the air!'

This post has been edited by ~Mew~: Aug 18 2011, 01:04 PM

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station
in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, knowing
nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely
unaware of who the golfing supremo is.


"Top of the mornin' to yer, sor" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick
"hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees
fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A YANKEE BASEBALL GAME.


THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND. BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA.

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID,

"I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH . THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."




THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA . THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."




THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO . THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE MOTHER SUPERIOR TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,


"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL... THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE!"