A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won Lotto?"


She says,
"I'd take half, then leave you."


"Excellent," he replies,
"I won $12 , here's $6 - now take off!"

It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!


An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with

her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

What the hell were you thinking?

Did the Priest Lie?

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her:

Woman: "Father, may I ask a favor?"

Priest: "Of course. What may I do for you?"

Woman: "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me......... Under your robe perhaps?"

Priest: "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

Woman: "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

Custom Officer: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

Priest: "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare. "

The official thought this answer strange.

Custom Officer:: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

Priest: "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Custom Officer:: (Roaring with laughter, said) "Go ahead, Father." Next!

Now............................................ truly, did the priest lie?

Don't laugh at the Singaporeans.

It would be much worse in Malaysia once the GST is implemented.





Poem on life in Singapore............



Seems to portray life at home quite accurately.

REFLECTION OF A TYPICAL SINGAPOREAN



I am Ong Ah Tee living in Kampong Chai Chee

Life used to be simple and HAPPY

I worked hard in my STUDY

I learned A-B-C, and everything from 1, 2, and 3..

Primary school was quite easy I passed PSLE



Then I went to SECONDARY

The subjects include HISTORY, GEOGRAPHY

Physics, Biology and CHEMISTRY

After O levels I went to JC



They said you live in Singapore very LUCKY

This is a small humid tropical COUNTRY

Surrounded by unknown potential ENEMIES

Boys turned 18 must go to ARMY for the tour of duty

After that we may continue our Studies

The girls can just sit back, relax, and watch TV

They come to this world only to "lim kopi, kway jit chee

No one lives on free meals or depends on CHARITY

I want to take up IT, but I had no money to go to University or Poly

So I went to work at FACTORY

Working hard to earn a little lousy SALARY

After CPF and INCOME TAX, I have just enough money to buy ROTI and ride in
MRT.


My bosses show me no SYMPATHY

Mumbling over my shoulder daily: "HURRY, HURRY and HURRY !"

Accusing me of always trying to get MC

But my sickness was due to over stretch OT

Going home after midnight by TAXI

And they pay me only bus fee



My colleague likes me because of my honesty and can easily bully

They said I don't know how to carry.

I Park-Tor and became STEADY

Finally had to MARRY

Because gahment gave baby bonus MONEY

I lost money holding Wedding Dinner PARTY

Cheeky friends donating only cheap PANTY

After marriage, nothing was EASY

In one year, I became DADDY

I can't support my family and our BABY

Being tied down for life to repay 2 rooms HDB and rising monthly

utilities to PUB

My bank account has NO MONEY

POSB balance is almost EMPTY

DBS wants to charge me EXTRA FEE

Insisting that "Nothing is FREE!"

So I moonlight as KARANG GUNI

Many times I want to jump MRT

But that is not EASY

My wife cries: "Who is going to support me and our BABY?"

So I can't MATI



I went to seek assistance from the MP

His reply was simple and easy

"Vote for me, vote for me, vote for me".

He never tells me any convincing Policy.

How to help the poor with more GST?



Why I cannot have pay increase but they can have increase?

Before, my MP said "Vote for me, we give you sweeties".

Now, they want to increase salary, because "You voted me"..

They claim they made good economy for our country.

They benchmark themselves using GDP.

They said, "To get the best man, you have to pay high fee"

otherwise, they will join MNC. / /

And all your 'char bor' become maids in other COUNTRY.



Next will be the GST.

My boss say "no" to increase in salary,

It's really make me worry.

Our Health Ministry said let GP set their consultation fee.

If the GP charges high fee, don't let them see.

No money, how can healthy

If fall sick, can only mati

In hospital, can afford Class C.

I don't mind all nurses are aunty,

But only one doctor to see

No money for operation, I Tan Si.

Well it may sound Rough, but what the hack its a joke............




The best adult jokes contest 2009 through cellphone texts/smses in U.S.A.

Grand Prize USD50,000.00
1) Newly wed girl told mom her husband is still a virgin.
Mom asked "How do you know dear?"
Girl replied "Last night, when we made love, his cock was still
in elastic cover."

First Prize USD25,000.00
(2) Immigrant Worker: "Sir, me no come to work, me sick."
Boss: " When I am sick, I have sex with my wife - try it."
2 hours later>>Immigrant Worker: "Boss! It worked! Me ok now.
You got nice house."

10 Consolation Prize USD10,000.00 each
(3) After sex, a newly wed wife kept fondling her husband's cock.
Husband asked: "Why? Want to have sex again?"
Wife replied: "No dear, I just admiring your cock. I used to
have one before."

(4) Women's lives are hard. Morning, wash clothes. Noon, hang clothes.
Evening, keep clothes. Nite, iron clothes. Midnight, take off
clothes. After midnight, find clothes.

(6) Priest lost his chicken and asked during mass:
"Anyone got a cock?" All men rose.
"I meant anyone seen a cock?" All women rose.
"I mean anyone seen my cock?" All nuns rose.

(7) A woman's husband died and she had him cremated.
She then blew his ashes into the ocean and said, "Sweetheart,
this is my last blowjob for you."

(8) Girl: "Mom what is a penis?"
Mom: "When you become a good girl, you will get one."
Girl: "But mom, what if I am not a good girl?"
Mom: "Then you will get many, dear!"

(9) A lawyer who was confused in his mathematics asked his secretary:
"If I give you USD3 million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?"
Secretary: "Everything sir! Dress, Bra, Panties, Everything."

(10) Schoolgirl: "I do not want to take the sex Education class."
Teacher: "Why?"
Schoolgirl: "Someone told me that the final exam will be Oral."

(11) Two sperms talking on mobile phone.
Ist: "I'm somewhere between the fallopian tube and uterus.
Are you close-by?"
2nd: "No boy, I am taking a different route. I am just
crossing the tonsils."

(12) Scientists have discovered that the lightest thing in the world
is a penis.
This is because it can be lifted up even by just a simple thought

Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home.'


I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'



'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.


They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'





'I can't find a No. 91'




'take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout!

A marvellous answer

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage," Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one... So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic..... " Try to do it when the Engine is RUNNING "

Thanks and get to hear that

That joke really

I like the last one!!!!!!!!

MATHEMATICS

Beggars - Classic from London

Parvinder and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London .

Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend..

Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do
you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'

Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Parvinder shows Habib his sign...

It reads:
...
'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan '!

[attachmentid=1553439]

Dirty jokes - Adults only..

---

Added on May 12, 2010, 9:51 amMODERN TIME ~ Daughter in-Law

It is a myth that when a son gets married and a new daughter in law arrives in the family, everything changes.

Some daughters in law are well trained and well mannered.
They don't come to change the family; they are there to join the family.
The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner.

As expected she gave a speech:
"My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family",
she said "Firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine. No, I will never do that, never in a million years".

"What do you mean my child?" Asked the father in law.

"What I mean dad is (looking at her father in law):
Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked shouldn't stop at my account, and
Those who used to Clean should continue cleaning".

"Then what are you here for?" Asked the mother in law.

"O.... for me, my job is to entertain your son!"

This post has been edited by ~Mew~: May 12 2010, 09:51 AM

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back
and inform the other of whether or not there is 'Sex After Life!'

Their biggest fear was that there was no After Life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Marion" ... " Marion ...?"

"Is that you, Bob?”

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.
I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times
.
Then I have lunch ... you would be proud of me,
Marion, lots of greens.
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon
After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night.

I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day It starts all over again."

"Oh Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No, I'm a rabbit in Arizona !!!!"

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight
so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam.
I do not intend to be forward
but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are
not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down,
then back up at the man
and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there
is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Locks and Keys

LOGIC !!!

I just had an argument with a girl I know.
She was saying how unfair it is that
"If a guy screws different girls every week, he is a legend, but if
a girl
sleeps with just two guys in a year, she's a slut."

So in response, I told her that

"If a key opens lot of locks, then it's a master key,
but if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock."

WRONG NUMBER

Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?"

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"


"Oh my God!!!
What about your Uncle Paul?"


"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."




***Long Pause***



***Longer Pause***



***Even Longer Pause***



Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?

Is this 486-5731?"

No, this is 486-5713.....

Sorry, wrong number!!!!!!!

TOP CARE FOR THE ELDERLY.

A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the hospital
"How are you grandpa?" He asks
"Feeling fine" says the old man
What's the food like?
"Terrific, wonderful menus"
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better These young nurses really take care of you"
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"
"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a <removed> tablet and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing" he says. "I'm told you're giving an 85 year old <removed> on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes" replies the nurse "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a <removed> tablet. It works wonderfully well".


"The chocolate makes him sleep,
and the <removed> stops him from rolling out of bed".

THE BOTTLE OF MERLOT


A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there..'
..and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and
a Porsche Turbo in my several garages;

I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana;

There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'

---

Added on June 28, 2010, 2:01 pmSIGN IN A STORE WINDOW.

'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!'

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in
CAMPBELTOWN, SCOTLAND.


You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

After all, it is ONLY A SIGN.



You may say 'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?'









Answer:








A FUNERAL PARLOUR.



(WHO SAID SCOTTISH UNDERTAKERS HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?)

YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!

= God Bless Scotland =

This post has been edited by ~Mew~: Jun 28 2010, 02:01 PM

The Key To Paradise

A little boy asks his dad : daddy , whats between my mom legs ?

The father answers : the paradise , my son .

The kid asks again : whats between your legs , daddy ?

The father replies : the key for the paradise .

The son says : daddy , an advice , change the lock , our neighbor has a copy .