Ok hi all.
I have just made this account because I'm too embarrassed to use my original account. As mentioned above, I need help with this problem.
About 5 years ago, when I was 16, I lived in some suburban neighborhood, where we really watched the way we dress. At that age, my body was pretty well developed, advanced more than it supposed to - cut it short, I am big chested. This was not a problem for me, but I noticed something quite wrong with me since I'm not bothered by people (men) looking at my chest. I was... kind of excited and proud... and I have this 'urge' to show more. I now it was wrong, I did found it is really perverted, and abnormal, but I just can't seems to fight it. At first I was dressing normally, a plain short-sleeves T-shirt, and long pants, but intentionally walking with my chest rising up - I loved the attention I got with my male friends...
At age 17 I advanced a little bit, I'm wearing tighter and tighter shirt, showed some more skin, but like I mentioned, I lived among malays and suburban neighborhood, so I have never wear something too revealing. At this point, I think that it was normal for girls like me to dress-up sexy. Again, I loved the attention, but that 'urge' is really pushing me... Everything got worse starting from here - where I found out I had this fetish. One day, my friends was playing prank with me at school, when I was changing in the toilet for co-curricular, they somehow managed to take away my uniform top - both my school uniform and PBSM uniform. So I was left with only bra and long pants. They put the uniforms in an empty class near the toilet, and I was forced to run in that condition, and quickly dressed in the class. Of course I was really pissed at them, but that really made me turned on. Every night from that point I can't stop thinking about the prank. About the excitement it gave - and this advances the 'urge' farther.
So one night, where I was feeling so light-headed, and being pushed hard by the 'urge', at about 2am, I went out from my home, walking. I walk for 10minutes about 200m from my home, make sure nobody was there in the streets, and remove all my clothing except for my bra and panties, and started walking again for another 5minutes, then I ran back to my clothing, dressed up, and went back home. I couldn't sleep that night. I was so excited, so turned on. There was no satisfying this urge. But I felt so wrong, and so embarrassed if anybody did see me. Sadly, this 'night activity' didn't stop there. For a year, at least once a month, I will do this. And the distance I'm walking half clothed is just farther and farther. However, it stops for a while when I've entered matriculation college, but the urge never subsides...
Then when I was 19, 3 nights before I went to UUM, I have done something really radical. I've suppressed the urge so much that I really have to relieve it. So I did. At 3am, I walked to an abandoned playground, it was quite dark, but there's street lights not far. Then, I took everything off. Everything. I walk around the playground 2-3 times, felt really excited, and I did something taboo - I sat on the bench there, and began to touch myself until I 'reached the peak'. Yes. True story. And the urge subsides quickly... I ran back to my home and sleeps soundly, full of satisfaction.
SORRY BUT THIS IS NOT SOMETHING I MADE UP. BUT SINCE THAT NIGHT. I FELT THIS IS REAALLYYY, REALLLLLYYYYY WROOOONNGGG!!!! I couldn't help myself. I did it again until today, once every month. I never had shared this with anybody, nobody knew. So I can't help myself stopping it. I had a bf now, we never had sex, since he thinks I'm 'pure' and all.... I'm really afraid if anyone knew about this someday, if that happen I really would hang myself. People know me as a very shy person, never wear anything revealing (since I turned down the urge with the night activity), but this dark side of me... I just know one day I'll be exposed, and my life would be over! Please help. I have looked up through the internet and discover that this fetish is called 'exhibitionism', but them the english people, rather than do something to stop, embrace it. They just live with it, until they die.
I don't know if there's someone like me in this country... male perverts are a lot here... but girls... I don't know. I'm a girl and I really had to protect my modesty and all, I know what I did is so not normal, I'm weird, pervert whatever. I just needed help to stop. Any advice or anything to share would be really, really appreciated. Sorry for the long post. Thank you in advance.
Mar 7 2012, 03:19 PM
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