I picked up a fit hitchhiker who told me she was a magician.

"Oh yeah?" I said, "Prove it."

Then she touched my leg and I turned into a hotel

I was struggling to give my wife an orgasm during sex. I asked her what she wanted me to do and she said 'just use your imagination'.
I listened to her advice and it was amazing. I imagined that she had an orgasm and then I went to sleep.

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.

He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"

"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

A group on Facebook called:

"Dear students, I know when you're texting. Seriously, no one just looks down at their crotch and smiles. Sincerely, teacher."

Well, unless you're a black guy sitting next to a white guy...

I was just looking at my house on Google Streetview and I saw my wife through the window in the front room, shagging the milkman.

It was only after I'd bludgeoned her to death that I realised that the image was two years old.

When I used to be a milkman.

Teacher: James, why have you brought your cat into school?

James now in floods of tears: Well, i heard the postman say to my mum that when the kids are at school he was going to eat her pu$$y

"I'm in a relationship at the moment, so sorry ladies... it's going to have to be your place."

My boss is so stupid sometimes.

But I suppose if he was any smarter, I wouldn't have a job

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife
if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"OK Do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.

"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black".

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live,
and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The leading man was black".

"Oh," says the midwife, "it's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions,
but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair".

"Well yes," the girl again replies,
"you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh," the midwife repeats, "it's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes".

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie,
I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife collects the baby and presents her to the girl,
who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,

"Thank God for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved,
"I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!

I don't like children.

What people don't seem to realise is that babies are here to replace us.

Once you understand that you can see just how sinister they are.

was chasing a girl with a dildo through the park.

I would have left her alone, if she'd just given me back my dildo.

When my girlfriend told her friends she was going to grab a box of tissues and head off to bed, she got sympathy.

When I said that, I got disgust.

Cheryl Cole was asked, "What would you do if this was the last day on earth? "

To which she replied, "Probably spend time with the people I love the most."

Incorrect Cheryl. I think you'll find that your last day would be spent running terrified from a lot of men wanting to fulfil their last day on earth plans.

I was shagging a girl over her kitchen table when we heard the front door opening.

"That's my husband," she said, "quick, try the back door."

I knew I should have left before her husband caught me but there's no way I refusing anal.

No sex joke today as I have a really bad day.

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Dec 16 2010, 11:52 PM

I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping. I took my girlfriend into 8 different pubs without a drink, and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.

When the wife dragged me round her mother's for dinner, I had to be on my best behaviour.

"Wow" I said, "You and your daughter could be sisters."

Her mum's eyes lit up. "Oh you're so charming! She's nearly 30 years younger than me!"

"I know" I said, "She's aged terribly."

My wife hates the fact I'm seeing an old flame at work.


I keep telling her,
"I'm a gas heating engineer for f*cks sake."

I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked, "How would you like your steak, sir?"

"The same way I like my sex," I replied.

He smiled and said, "So, rare?"

That c*nt.


This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Dec 24 2010, 11:38 PM

I think my wife's wanting a new diamond ring this Christmas.

She keeps dropping little hints like "if you don't get me a diamond ring for Christmas, I'll rip your f*cking balls off!"

But like women say, men never truly understand them, so I think she probably meant, 'buy me a new kettle and ironing board.'