My missus is going to a fancy dress party tonight, she went out yesterday and hired a costume.

She said to me this morning "Wait there, I'll try it on and tell me what you think"?

She came in,I looked at her and said "Wow, that's a fabulous costume, you will easily win a prize with that, it's the most realistic killer whale costume I've ever seen"

She replied "I'm going as a nun, you bastard"

I caught my twelve-year-old son looking up women's skirts today,"

I told the barman after my second whiskey.

"That's pretty normal for a twelve-year-old, isn't it?" he asked.

"Not on lazada sales it isn't!" I said.

"Can you smell anything?" I asked my wife.

"No," she replied.

"Me neither," I said, "Now get in the kitchen."

The Car of the Year for 2017, as voted by Woman magazine is:

A Blue one

Hmm ... so far, chuckled to almost all aLittleMisfit's jokes ...

Car of the Year, Blue one ... I don't get it, hmmm ....
(coz maybe was thinking blue colour normally associated with young boys, and pink with young girls ...)

Instead of mentioning a specific brand and model (Eg: Honda Civic), they mentioned a color. Probably a running gag that women can't differentiate cars.

I pulled a chick the last night and took her back to my house. As I lay back on the bed, she slowly unbuttoned my jeans and said, "Fancy a blow job?"

"Of course", I replied, "but I must warn you, the last girl gagged on my cock."
"Oooo! Big is it?" She giggled.

"No, I never wash it."

The wife turned to me last night and said, "Turn the lamp off and you can stick it up my arse."

Maybe I should've let the bulb cool down first though.

If light travels faster than the speed of sound…

How come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

A bad workman always blames his fools… Tools, I meant tools. Stupid keyboard…

it's a double entendre

I’m a virgin by choice. Not my choice, but everyone else’s.

wow 3 posts in a day.
you're on a roll

90% of being married is shouting “WHAT?” from other rooms.

WHAT?

I'm not sure what to get my wife for Christmas...

There's so many household cleaners to choose from.

Gift wrapped high-tech frictionless (bollocks) ironing board, $40.

Full course hearty take out from Bob's Bacon Place, $50.

Working class exquisite liquor (right) from that shaddy place, $20.

Look on the missus' face when you "surprise" her on Valentine's day. Priceless.

For everything else, there's Obama Care.

I bumped into my ex in town earlier, I said: "How's your new boyfriend?"

"He's twice the man you are," she sneered, "what about your new woman?"

I said, "thankfully she's half the woman you are."

"Diana!" I said greeting my Mother-In-Law as she walked through the door...

She said, "My name's Anna."

I said, "Yeah, I know."

I pulls up at the traffic lights next to a stunning looking girl.
I smiles at her and winds his window down. She smiles back and winds her window down.
I said ' have you farted as well?'