https://forum.lowyat.net/topic/5549405

I have read this thread earlier but didn't post any response since I usually don't participate in threads where people deal with their own problems themselves. I now noticed the thread is closed and people can't post in there anymore.

I find this subject fascinating, the care of elderly people. Obviously people don't discuss it a lot in forums as it's a sensitive subject, and it involves people who we love and care about. Basically everyone would have to deal with it sooner or later so I presume everyone would have had their fair share of difficulties or problems if that crop up. It would be good or fortunate if seniors in their 70s or 80s are in good health, able to walk and care for themselves until their twilight years. However, not everyone is lucky, and as shown here the situation is further exacerbated with financial difficulties which vary with families.

I know it's easier said than done. Despite all the difficulties, I would think that when the time comes, it is best that the parents who are facing difficulties live with their children. Even if the children are financially able and can afford to send the parents to old folks home, I don't think it's the best place to be and staying with the children is best. Only send to old folks home as the last resort when everything is not possible.

As for every sibling contributing to the costs of caring of the elderly, that is an obligation but chances are some won't be contributing due to financial difficulties as they struggle to feed their own family. However difficult it can be, I believe everyone ought to contribute even though it may be a small sum. Ultimately everyone will have their own way of doing things and relationships or ties between siblings are often severed when things like this happen.

The purpose of this poll is to seek people's preferences on the care of the elderly. Where would you send your elderly parents who require care when the time comes. You may feel your choice is ideal or the best but in reality it may not be achievable, and that's comprehensible. As a side-note, I once received a video via Whatsapp about two years ago on the situation with old folks home, a guy explaining on the real situation with these homes. I've forgotten the details but it's not very good.

This post has been edited by ryder_78: Yesterday, 04:50 PM

how are your parents ? are they mobile ?
can they do basic chores like shower on their own ?
do they need special medical attention all the time (injuries etc) ?

my grandfather is 98 years old - living alone (family all overseas, closest being me n my mum at different state) .. in wheelchair but can still walk short distances in the house

on typical old ppl medicine (high blood etc)

we just look for some aunties nearby around the neighborhood to come in morning, afternoon, evening to warm up food for him (as he is not able to hold plates etc)

Mornings - to monitor him getting out of bed, prepare breakfast, monitor his medication

afternoons - warm up lunch - monitor him when he shower on his own (in case he fell down in bathroom etc)

Evenings - dinner, and make sure he takes his meds .. at night he goes to sleep on his own

most of the time, old ppl are afraid of being alone (die/injured at home no one knows etc)

one month my mums family pay around myr 1500 and maybe sometimes give tips angpao (i got give also on the side)
we also have a driver standby - for hospital visits
and also english speaking aunty to follow him and do video call at hospital with us when doctor is talking

Good to know your grandfather is doing well in his late 90s. Basically the aunties who you 'hired' are part-time maids. My grandfather lived until 93 but was long gone. My grandmother until her 80s. My parents are now in their mid 70s are fortunately still strong and healthy. They even took care of my sister's babies as the parents left them to my parents. The eldest one is now 4+ years old and the youngest one is 9 months old.

my friend's friend (born in the 80's) kena stroke and paralyzed. sent to centre for fulltime care, and it took a long time for him (forgot if reluctant to tell or too paralyzed to tell straightaway, don't wanna dig out old chatlogs to refresh memory) to tell his friends he was abused in centre

I received few videos several years ago via Whatsapp on old people usually bedridden getting abused. I'm not sure how the videos were taken or circulated, no details whatsoever but I believe that's usually the case. Old folks home is the last resort, usually not a good place at all in my view but sometimes poeple have no choice. I believe most old folks would choose to not spend the rest of their lives in old folks home if given a choice.

I may be wrong as my memory is not so good these days. The last video on the guy sharing his experience was that there were few cases where people send their old folks to the centre and after a while they stop making payments and refuse to take their old folks back home.

Parking as this will be useful when the times comes. And I strongly disagree to use saving money for this kind of thing. This cost should be budgeted into our monthly expense, like how you budget for foods, kids and etc.

When the time comes, y'all will know which is the best option.

Send to old folks home ain't that bad, in fact they well taken care by professionals, no joke to take care elderly as it's very tiring but if you're rich enough just hire full time maid or nurse to take care of them at home 😍😴🐝

True but need to plan earlier, better 🙂🐝👍

The only advice I'm giving you all after enduring this for 5 years plus while damaging my merid life and my personal life is this :

-Take care of your damn health. Don't be a sedentary person, smoking, drinking , and passing your health problems to others. All that money would be useless / burned to caregivers instead.

- I envy those ppl that live old age, but still are good and well. Even Atuk at 100 is doing well. My doctor auntie at 80+ is well, no need assisstance. But my elderly at 70+ starts having problems . I noticed this problem since I know he's a smoker, doesn't eat veges/fruits enough, no exercise / etc. Now I can't blame him for being the sole breadwinner back then . But man, this kind of thing is avoidable . Please start now . I'm begging you .

Its a taboo for type M to send elderly to old folks home. So yeah, you are kinda stuck living with the sons/daughters. And good luck to the "youngest" one, as they are expecting you to take care of them .

pray for me not to be a penang bridge stats . sometimes its so damn hard but no other choice . Others are living well with their kids and family , I do envy them . They seem to have life figured out . But me? Still stuck with an anchor (cannot further studies/cannot go find opportunities anywhere else)

This post has been edited by MegaCanonF: Today, 07:58 AM

Yes, very true. It's important to take care of one's health so as even we grow old we won't be a burden to our children. Though again it's easier said than done. Sometimes it's just fate as even though one practices good habits ie. no smoking and drinking, eat healthily and regular exercise, he/she might be hit with health complications. Nevertheless, it's surely better to take good care now as chances of living a healthy and problem free life going into the twilight years would be higher than those who practice poor health habits.

It's interesting to note that more people prefer sending their parents to old folks home than the other options. I know of few privileged who stay with their parents in big bungalows and have maid so no issue with the care of the parents when the need arises. Hence in the poll is actually a combined selection of having a full time maid and also the parents and children staying together in the house.

hire maid but costly and trust issue

put old folks home but must be closer location to your house

live together with parent, fulfil your filial piety culture / toxic filial piety culture

no right answer

but preferly i pick 3rd option, because all control under you

If elderly is immobile or requires regular assistance for their daily activities, then I believe nursing home is the best option. Unless you're retired and have a lot of free time, you won't be able to be at their side 24/7, and maids have day off.

Different families face different life constraints, and therefore make different decisions. Whatever the situation is, the key point is simple: make the best possible decision based on the constraints faced. As long as the option chosen is the best one realistically available to the family, that is already a good outcome.

If a family can afford to do more, then do more. Hopefully, such actions naturally become examples for others. The best-case situation is having three generations within a family. While the middle generation is busy securing resources, the younger generation is already old enough to accompany and support the elder generation.

If a family cannot afford more, then do what you can within your limit. Why listen to public opinion without first considering your own family constraints? One stranger gives one opinion, two strangers give two opinions, ten strangers give ten opinions. Are we really going to follow these different views while ignoring the reality of our own family situation? Is maintaining a good image in public more important than making the best decision based on the options actually available?

Single Child

If the next generation is a single child, then decisions must be made based on real life constraints.

If time is needed to look for resources, and you can afford to hire caregivers or use a nursing centre, then choose that option.

If you have time but cannot afford such services, then do what you can — but make sure you take care of yourself first. If you fall ill, the elderly parents will suffer as well. Survival comes before responsibility, otherwise the responsibility cannot last.

If a person has both time and money but chooses to do nothing, then this reflects a failure in upbringing as well as personal decision-making. In such cases, 50% of the responsibility lies with the previous generation, and 50% lies with the individual. This is not about blaming, but about recognising cause and consequence. Such cases become lessons for society.

Multiple Children

If the next generation consists of multiple children, the same principle applies — act within your life constraints.

Among siblings, there will naturally be differences. Some have more time, some have less. Some have more resources, some have less. Those who can contribute resources should contribute resources. Those who can contribute time should contribute time.

If you cannot contribute time, then do not complain about those who do. Contributing time carries a heavy burden. Contributing money, while important, is relatively easier. Time requires presence, endurance, and long-term commitment.

If all siblings have time but lack financial means, then again, survival comes first. Take care of yourself so that you can continue taking care of the elderly. If you collapse, the burden only becomes heavier for everyone else.

If all siblings have money but lack time, then pool resources to hire caregivers or arrange professional care.

If siblings have both time and money but still choose to do nothing, then once again, responsibility is shared. Part of it lies in how they were raised, and part lies in their own choices. This becomes a lesson not just for the family, but for society.

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Care is not measured by how it looks to others, but by whether it can be sustained. The best decision is not the one that sounds noble in public, but the one that allows a family to continue without breaking. As long as the decision is made honestly, within real limits, and carried through responsibly, it already has value.