After I announced I was single again in Sept 2024, about ten men pursued me in the months that followed. And this was without even touching dating apps.

What puzzled me, though, was that 4 of them were younger than me. Like… why? I was 35 then. I’ve always liked older men, so dating younger guys felt unfamiliar and a bit baffling.

Being myself, I made it difficult for those younger men—partly because I wasn’t confident in dating younger men, and partly because I was still healing from my breakup and emotionally tangled with the analyst guy back then.

I remembered a guy friend who once told me in 2023 that he didn’t like “xiao mei mei” (girls younger than him). He preferred older women and always pursued them. In fact, he married a woman four years his senior; she was 39 and he was 35.

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Last month, out of curiosity, I asked some younger male friends, and they said they didn’t mind dating women 1–5 years older. They like the stability, care, and guidance that older women bring. It makes them feel safe, nurtured, and able to manja a little. Financially, older women tend to be more stable. The relationship works more like a balanced partnership, rather than the usual older-bf-younger-gf dynamic—which often comes with more drama and burden. To them, slightly older women are like “jie jie” (elder sister) they can trust and confide in.

They also said women in their twenties can feel needy, insecure, and high-maintenance with “princess syndrome”. Younger women are fun for sex, but draining for a relationship. Women in their thirties, on the other hand, are stable, mature, loyal, and serious.

Interesting perspective, right? Many unmarried women in their thirties are judged harshly as 剩女 (leftovers), but younger men apparently don’t see them this way.

I’m sharing this to hear more input; just trying to understand what younger men think and whether I should open myself to that possibility.... and maybe also give some hope to other older women.

I've read all the replies. Thanks, everyone, for your input.

I do agree that some younger men can be surprisingly mature, while some older men can be quite immature. Maturity is definitely attractive to me.

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Years ago, I got close to a Singaporean guy three years older than me. We liked each other, but I was put off by how he treated his parents. His dad was late picking us up one day, and he spent the whole car ride nagging his dad. He couldn’t drive himself because he’d get carsick, and when I asked why he was still living with his parents, he casually said, “Then where would I get a maid?”—referring to his mom. That was a huge turn-off, and I didn’t continue seeing him after that.

Then there was another guy who pursued me when I was 19. He came to my parents’ house, introduced himself, and promised he would take care of me. He said he could cook, clean, and do laundry, and he wanted my mom to feel reassured about letting me be with him. He was 18 back then.

So yeah, maturity and character matter more than age.

Well, besides how he treated his parents, there were also two occasions where he didn’t apologise but retaliated when I asked why he was 30–60 minutes late without informing me in advance. Taken together, these four incidents made me feel he wasn’t mature or independent enough.

There’s a saying:
成人的世界，只筛选，不教育，只选择，不改变。
(In the adult world, we filter, not teach; we choose, not change.)

Many women enter relationships hoping to change their partner, but to me, what you see is what you get. Red flags at the beginning won’t turn green simply because you try to correct him. Any real change has to come from within. Of course, we can communicate our concerns and observe how he responds. But if he can’t take feedback, then there’s really no point continuing.

This applies to men too; trying to change their girlfriend or wife rarely works unless she herself recognises her flaws and is humble enough to grow.

Yes, I completely agree that it is decision, not emotion, that carries us through the hard times in a relationship or marriage.

Sometimes I still reflect on what got me through eight years of a long-distance relationship with the same man (my ex-fiancé), including three years of forced separation during the pandemic. My conclusion is that I made it through because I was committed to making things work, even though, in the end, we called off the marriage due to his health issues. I’ve asked myself whether I regretted waiting and committing only for it to end, but I don’t. It gave me closure and self-accountability; I didn’t walk away when things got hard or inconvenient.

I also reflect on my relationship with the analyst guy and wonder why, even after a year of not directly talking to each other, I still haven’t given up on him. Logically, I should have walked away long ago. But seeing how he’s been retreating to do his inner work for about seven months now, I’ve told myself to wait until next year while focusing on my own growth. To me, he deserves a chance to choose again — this time from a healed heart.

When he first pursued me, he was only partially emotionally available, and soon after, his fearful-avoidant side took over. I think he realised his flaws when I told him how confused I felt by his hot-and-cold behaviour. He wanted to move forward with me, but something was holding him back — his past issues, which only he could confront and resolve. I respect him for not dragging me into his mess and instead choosing to step back and work on himself.

That’s why I believe true change can only come from the person himself. It’s never a woman’s duty to fix a man, though she can inspire or encourage him to grow.

This post has been edited by Ralna: Oct 19 2025, 11:03 PM

From my observation and chats with female peers (mostly urban Chinese women in their 30s), most aren’t in a rush to get married or have kids anymore.

Partly because of past failed relationships; many feel it’s better to stay single than date or marry the wrong men. Being in a relationship is exhausting, and they’ve had enough of crap from men.

Another big factor is that having children is expensive, plus the extra burden from in-law expectations and the complications that come with pregnancy.

On top of that, many are just content with where they are—happy being single, having a stable career, and enjoying time with friends.

I also have married female friends in their thirties who have chosen to remain childless.

Hence, the fertility clock that used to scare women doesn’t seem so scary anymore.

Given this sentiment among urban Chinese women, urban Chinese men may face a harder time finding girlfriends or marrying women who want to have children, unless they consider other races or foreigners.

Yeah, that’s the thing I’m wary of.

I’m highly educated, have strong earning power, and own assets, investments, and passive income. I want to date men who are equal to or more capable than me, so together we can multiply our resources (1 + 1 > 2). If I have kids, I want them to grow up in a well-off family. If I stay single, I want to fully enjoy financial freedom and abundance.

Dating younger men usually doesn’t bring such benefits, unless he:
- is driven, disciplined, and determined
- is loyal and faithful
- has a growth mindset

Otherwise, it’s like having a 小白脸 (toy boy) or a 陈世美 (Chen Shimei, a two-faced, opportunistic man who betrays the woman who once loved him) rather than a partner who can grow together for a lifetime.

You missed my point. I'm answering your earlier statement (as quoted) about women's fertility.

Statistically, the trend for women to get married and reproduce has been going downwards for years now. It's a current fact, regardless of whom I chat with.

Note:
I will only respond/reply to logical arguments and rational discussion, not to trolls, irrelevant, or sidetracked replies.

I seriously dislike it when people shit on my thread.

Yes, I'm aware of it. However, age is just one of the factors affecting fertility. I’ve known a former colleague who had three miscarriages in her mid- to late twenties, and a friend’s friend who had her first child at 48. I also know couples who got married in their twenties, tried IVF several times, but still couldn’t have children even after five years of trying. At the same time, I know couples who, despite being in their late thirties, have twin daughters.

After seeing and hearing about such variations, I think fertility depends on both a woman’s physical health and age. For women concerned about their age, options like ovum-freezing provide additional choices for the future.

Speaking from my own experience with those men, in their opinion, having plenty of women around (quantity) doesn’t automatically mean quality.

Sure, younger women in their twenties might have higher fertility, but does that make them good wives or mothers? Are they emotionally mature and financially stable enough to raise children and take care of their husbands and in-laws, or are they still figuring things out as young women and might get restless or gatal in their thirties?

As for what kind of women such men like, it really varies by personality, but at the core, they tend to prefer women who add value to their lives.

You would be much wiser than you sounded here if you had fact-checked.

I did write in my Oct 2024 thread about why women should consider dating ordinary guys, based on my unfavourable experiences with top 10% guys.

You do have good memories. Yes, I was with my ex-fiancé for eight years. We didn’t proceed to marriage due to his health issues. He called it off.

Your analysis is spot on. There’s a lot to consider before entering an exclusive relationship, especially with a younger man who’s less established or less confident. Relationship dynamics can get complicated when in-laws and societal expectations come into play.

I think the “market” is always there for women, but the objective of a relationship shifts as we age.

Realistically, if a woman in her 40s or 50s is dating primarily with the hope of having children, her chances won’t be high. But if she’s dating for companionship or shared experiences, there’s definitely still a market. The key is positioning oneself correctly to target the right kind of relationship and partner.

Personally, I’m at a crossroads. This year, I haven’t started seeing other men or using dating apps yet, because I’m still holding out for that analyst guy. Some things happened between us, so I'm waiting for a clear answer.

Lastly, I really appreciate the time you took to write such a detailed reply. It helps me consider more things from an older man’s perspective, and this is exactly the kind of discussion I enjoy having. Thanks a lot.

This post has been edited by Ralna: Oct 21 2025, 07:30 PM