I been struggling with mental health since I'm in Secondary School, I have low self-esteem, low confident, timid.

I was diagnose with Persistent Depressive Disorder for a few years now, can't go by a day without meds, even with meds I can't get negative thought out of my brain.

The worse for me is, I have no mental support, parents don't believe in Mental Health issue, those small number of friends I have also don't think it's a big deal, usually being told to suck it up, stop being negative and have more confident, almost loses my friendship. I been pretending I have been getting better in front of them, but the truth is I am not.

I'm at my early 30s now I feel like nothing is improving, work been down hill every since I finish my study, finance is terrible still need financial help from parents, and lot of bills to pay off.

I can't afford counseling nor therapy because seeing a psychiatrist already blew my monthly budget away,

I'm lost, I'm feel lonely, I feel trap, this can't go on to my 40s so on, going to bed and sleep is easy, but waking is hard cause I got nothing look forward to.

Wake up, Work, Eat, Sleep.

I don't know... why am I here again?

Hey there, sorry to hear you're going through a difficult time and isn't receiving much support from people around you.

However medication and your psychologist/ psychiatric session shouldn't stop. Have you tried government hospitals? Although there may be long queue/ waiting time, the cost would be affordable and within what you can pay.

You can also reach out & seek support from organizations like this: http://www.miasa.org.my/

From my understanding, depression is associated with lowered serotonin (a chemical that is needed for the nerve cells and brain to function).
You need not worry, patients normally can recover with medication and counseling.

I agree with @sweet_pez, you should go for government hospital where you will only be charged RM5 (if I remember correctly) per visit with free medication supply.

I am sorry to hear that you don't have family support and community support from friends. However, you should not despair, because circumstances do change.

My last advice is, take it one day at a time, means to deal with things as they happen, and not to make plans or to worry about the future. :-)

Try to search for true God. Pray that He will come and help you. I have seen His Power.