Nov 4 2019, 04:05 AM, updated 6y ago
Anyone still awake? I just wanna talk cause I'm feeling really depressed right now.
Whatever happen is as follow:
I grew up in a strict family. My dad was a disciplinarian. Typical Asian dad who put a lot of emphasis on my studies. Whenever my grades were bad, I was caned and hit. I would not said that he physically abuse me but yeah, this was his way of making sure I excel in my studies. He was really this strict to me and my sister. It was harsh love growing up. My dad was uneducated so he wanted us not to follow him. I knew he did all these because he love us but its just the way he did all this was harsh. I learnt all the curse words from him which says a lot. However, my dad provided well for the family in term of resources. We were never financially lacking and he gave us the best that he could.
When I was 12, my dad was diagnosed with cancer and he left us after 2 years battling with the illness. It was a very devastating period for me and my family. The good thing is that he accepted Christ during his sickness. Though I went to church since young, our family was never a Christian family. So after he left, I went into a rebel mode. My mom could never control me because I was never scared of her. I was scared of my dad. My grades dipped dramatically and a lot of shit happened to me during that time. My dad left use a huge house before he left which was fully paid off. My mom's brother persuaded her to turn this house into mortgage to raise funds for his new business venture. My mom did and long story short, the business failed and we had to sell off the house because we could not afford paying the monthly loan. This was the main reason why my relationship with my mom became really bad. We stop talking for like more than a year because that time I was angry at her for losing our house. We had to rent from one house to another. My sister got a scholarship to study in the States while all these happened so she was out of the picture for quite a long time.
So basically, my relationship with my family was non-existence. Things have gotten better with my mom but it was never like how it used to be. While we go for dinner together once in a while, I stop telling her my problems. As for my sister, she is living in another city and she has her own life so I won't want to bother her with my problems.
Probably because I grew up in an a female environment, my closest friend are girls as well. I always thought that girls are better listener whom I can share my problems too. Both my closest girl friends have been my friend since 7. I have very close guy friends as well but they are not the kind of people who you would share your problems to. I'm sure they will drag me to the bar and ask me to relax when I share my problems with them. Thing is I don't really like drinking or smoking. But we still hang out over meals and all. I hang out more with my girl friends and over the years, I find it easier to make friend with girls rather than guys. Another thing I find it hard to be close to guys was an experience when I was young. I was 10 or 11 when I joined this camp. I was sexually molested by a guy elder than me when we slept beside each other during the camp. Why I am telling you this is because this became an issue later on.
So I became a serious Christian after my break up in my 2nd relationship. It was a 4 years relationship that crushed me and I had to rely on God that time. It was in the church I met her. She is a very God fearing girl and grew up in a Christian family. She is everything that I am not. The youngest in the family, she is disciplined, her family is soft and gentle. However, one thing similar is that she lost her dad when she was young too. Because of this, she grew up having low self esteem and lack of a father figure in her life. As you can see, we are two individuals with a lot of issues growing up.
When we got together, we had a rough time of trying to adapt to each other expectation. She was very sensitive with the words that come out from me and who I hang out with. Me on the other hand was very insecure because of the lack of family connection. When we quarreled, I would throw harsh words to her which I dont mean it. Subconsciously, I was behaving like my dad. She on the other hand, set a very high expectation on me. A lot of time, I find her comparing me with her cousin, her brother in law which seemed unfair for me because she was taking everyone's strength and comparing it with me. So as mentioned previously, most of my closest friend are female and this is something she struggle to accept. These are friends I have known since I was 7. I have very close guy friends but they are all married with kids so we don't hang out that much now. I tried inviting her to our outings to show her there was nothing between us but she just could not fully accept this. She initiated a break up in March as she thought that we are world's apart but we instead of breaking up, we had a cooling period for 3 weeks before patching up again. I made adjustments for her. I tried to keep a distance from my girl friends as I know she is sensitive in this area too. We only met up on special occasions and I always brought her along. This is the girl I wanna stay forever with so I was willing to make some sacrifices along the way.We manage to iron the differences and stick with each other.
Another issue we had was physical intimacy. We both agreed not to have pre-marital sex and I respected her decision in this. We never went across each other necks to give you an idea. Although there are times I wish we had more, I never asked her to compromise. However, I did not know that she would even feel guilty from passionate kissing. She only revealed to me after the break up. For me, I told her although I agreed to not having pre-marital sex, I have my needs and desire as a guy and I struggle in them. Few months ago when she was at the crossroad of her career and she always wanted to go overseas to work. I accompanied her to fly to another country to attend an interview and I told her if she got this job and made her decision to come over, I will follow her as well. I was prepared to leave my current job and family to go with her. The reason why I did not plan to work in a bigger city was because of my mom. I don't wanna leave her alone because my sister is already living abroad. But I was prepared to go with her that time. She did not get the job though.
I thought everything was good and all. We even went to a marriage counselling because we are prepared to bring this relationship to another level. In probably August I was searching my chat in her phone and I accidentally found out she was talking with her sister about me. She told her sister she doesn't know how to continue in this relationship. She mentioned she was struggling in it. This caught me in a surprise because I really thought everything was good. I was meeting her 6-7 days per week. Basically almost everyday. Either for lunch, dinner or both. And she did not appear like she was having issues in this relationship. Of course we had minor quarrels every now and then but nothing major. Like which couple doesn't quarrel? I admit I am not a very soft person that gives in to everything we quarrel. When I read the conversation, it was already a week old so I decided not to bring it up to her. I thought she solved it herself already and I was afraid bringing up might give her the chance to initiate break ups. I mean since she did not bring it up to me, I better act as if I did not know about this. Maybe while I was working, I did not reply to her message or sometimes, I will ignore her the entire afternoon. I thought that might be the problem. She was a home baker so she actually had a lot of free times. She was going to start a full time job in September so I thought things will be better once she started working and got busy.
There was this other girl. She was a work acquaintance from a competitor company. We were friends and she was divorced. Initially I tried to talk to her to help her get through her divorce. This was way before I got into this relationship. I had empathy for people going through such heart break because I knew what it felt. So after that, we kinda texted each other every now and then talking about work and what not. It wasn't frequent, probably once every month or so. I had no feelings for her but in September, she got bold suddenly. She started sending me photos of her in beach wear. September was a very low period for me because I quit my job over stress, my dog pass away and I had to go for a surgery over my knee. My mistake here is I did not let my gf know how low I was feeling as she was struggling in her new job as it was an entirely new industry for her. I did not want to add over to her stress. I know I had no excuse for doing what I did. But I did it. Maybe I was desperate for sexual gratification. I said things that I should not be saying to another girl when she sent her photos over. It happened over a week and I cut it off. There were not nudes or nothing physical involved. I thought it was harmless because it was pleasure to my eyes and I would never do anything more than that. This girl is staying in a different city.
My ex found out when she stayed over with me in the hospital. She could not accept this betrayal. I admitted and took 100% responsibility that it was my mistake. I fell into a temptation that I should not have. I was weak and I lost my self control. I pleaded my case and asked her to extend grace to me and give me another chance but she told me this was too much to take. I shattered her trust and destroyed her self esteem. Of course when she doesnt trust me, everything sounded like a lie. I told her if she needs to believe one thing, please believe me when I said it was not her problem. It was mine. I dont want her to think that she did not do enough in this relationship and her shortfall caused me to do whatever I did.
It has been 2 weeks. The last time we spoke on the phone, I told her I will be praying for her recovery. I told her I will be reflecting on my action and repent hard. This is a reminder to me what damage sin of lust could do and I will bring this lesson into marriage. We will not be contacting one another because she needs to rebuild herself back and any contact with me will only remind her of the terrible things I did. For myself, I have to go back to God and sort myself out. I asked to to pray for our relationship too. Put our relationship at the corner of her heart. It will not be the focus for her right now so keep it in the corner. If our relationship is God's will, He will bring us back to one another regardless how long we need to take. I want her back. Of course I do. But I have accepted for this moment, I need to let her go.
You know I always wanted my own family because I thought I havent had a good childhood growing up. Family was almost non existant for me. My dream was to have my own family and I would give my children whatever I was lacking off. Ironically, I ruined my own dream and cost us both our future together. I dont know how will I ever forgive myself. She told me she doesn't hate me and she forgive me for what I did. She just cannot stay around in this relationship anymore. Each time I felt depressed and broken, I reminded myself she is probably having it worse than me. Very often I asked God why the punishment for my sin comes with such a big price to pay. But I am totally aware that I made a huge mistake in life and I just have to carry this consequences with me.
So this is basically my story.
This post has been edited by prelude23: Nov 11 2019, 09:35 PM
Anyone still awake?
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