Having single child doesn't mean one will spoil their child. It depends on parenting.
That said, having kid or no kid is really a personal choice.
How to respond to others on no kid choice?.. "Its me and my spouse's decision" and just smile and change topic. If they keep pestering, then just smile and don't say anything.

There is no end to the no kid or number of kids questions from relatives, family, friends and even strangers..
No kid - Why no kid?
1 kid - Why 1 kid?
2 kid - Why stop at 2?
3 kid - Why stop at 3? Make it balanced mar
4 kid - Likely no more questions. But unless you are well off and have the mental zen of a buddhist monk and lots of help, unlike you will survive mentally and financially.

Even ipad come into picture.

Frankly speaking, nowadays I saw many family holding h/p at dining table. And the kids are all wearing specs. And those are not single child family, in fact any family regardless single or more kids. Gadget have nothing to do with single or more child.. it is the parents who fail to understand how precious that small pair of eyes, how it impact their attentiveness and attention and how it affect the bonding between parents and child.

No matter be it single or many kids, there is no general rules which 1 is better. It all depends on the parents, the family practices, and the children unique personality. If 1 is not using the right method on the right child, he can spoilt 1 single child, also can spoilt a bunch of children.

My colleague was a scholar and a good daughter taking care of her parents and also the main sponsor to help her useless brother. She marry to a family (PIL were retired teachers, hubby an engineer). But she have a pair of kids and she keep asking us to analyse whats gone wrong that her kids seems naughty. From start, her elder daughter are very nice and obedient and everything easy to care for.. but after 7yrs gap, have a younger son, everything change. She now having trouble as her 3yr old son screaming for h/p and her 11yrs old daughter who used to be obedient, but now started to ignore her instruction and watch Youtube uncontrollable.

What I try to highlight is, you maybe good man, good ladies, and good family teaching behind you. But when it comes to next generation, things can be so different. I am not there to tell my friend that she should tackle her children this way or that way, since I am not at her situation.

There was once I got so fedup being ask for 2nd kid by my inlaw. Then my hubby straightaway told them "if you pay for all the 2nd child expenses, we will give you 2nd bb". This.. immediately shut them up forever.

smart person doesn't make one a good teacher.

All of this is down to how parents discipline the kids. I'm glad to know there are still people that educate their children in a fairly good manner. Having kids that are not addicted to devices. My friend who is a lecturer raises his kids 12, 10 and 8 years old kids very well. Although the kids are exposed to Ipads in this era, (they use Ipads in International schools) the children are not addicted to those devices at all. In the countless times I went out with the family, only see them playing Ipad once. They never ask Ipads at all. Give them a ball or books they will be happy. Last year I babysitted the kids when the parents went to a wedding dinner, the kids watch tv until a certain time, then read book before heading ro bed. I told my bf, wow... i wanna raise my kids like them.

people in this thread are making too many terrible assumptions

first terrible assumption
1) spend more money-->better kids
2) have less kids --> better quality
3) spend more on education-->become good people

soooo many terrible assumptions here.

im one kid of 13, and ALL of us became good people who are contributing to society now

to me, only two things

1) parents having sufficient resources
2) parents having the drive to improve
3) parents who care about kids


This post has been edited by Nachiino Etamay: Feb 17 2019, 09:01 PM

so.. did you end up have kids?

it is 2024 now.

So what have you decided after 5 years?

hey i remember you.

weren't you the one who went all out for office kolik who love watching k drama?

what is the reason you all want to bring the children to this world?

pretty sure for selfish reasons

Yeah. The way I see it, having kids is a consequence. Sex is the goal, baby is the consequence (which can be prevented easily these days).

But others don't see it this way. For some reason that is beyond me, baby is the goal.

This post has been edited by RocketPiki: Oct 29 2024, 07:48 PM

Tough question, there will be the same question about having children or not having children coming up on and off over time. Today I got some spare time, hence we do a little bit more details analysis. Disregard 0 or 1 children at the moment.

List of the reasons not to have the children. Let's go into the mind”s of current generation using the thinking of Sun Tzu " to know you enemy, you must become your enemy".

1) Parent cheated on each another / divorced, the current generation become the victim to the broken family. The matured generation now no longer believe in marriage & having children. Who has the control on this issue? - it was under the previous generation, not the fault of present generation. God become the victim because all the bad things happened but God didn't do anything, whereas the evil-doer was actually the previous generation.

2) Parent "char siew", made mountain of debts & expect their children to clear their debts. The current generation efforts are wasted to pay the mistakes made by previous generation. The matured generation now no longer believe in marriage & having children. Who has the control on this issue? - it was under the previous generation, not the fault of present generation. God become the victim because all the bad things happened but God didn't do anything, whereas the evil-doer was actually the previous generation.

3) Parent lack of wisdom, they bring their children to this world but do not prepare them well for their purpose. Having sexual relationship to satisfy their animal instinct & do not use any contraception. The current generation are not raised to face the world with purpose but become the cannon fodder at the lowest grade realm of society. After experiencing the harsh lowest realm of the society & believe that life is all about suffering, do you think this grown up generation dare to have children? Who has the control on this issue ? - it was under the previous generation, not the fault of present generation. God become the victim because all the bad things happened but God didn't do anything, whereas the evil-doer was actually the previous generation.

4) Troublesome siblings. As the eldest / elder sibling/ high performer sibling, that particular sibling need to cover the life mistakes made by the other siblings (gambling, debts, etc.). Some to the extent that they need to give up their personal ambition & made the scarifies for their younger siblings. Partially related to point 3), if the parent perform their part well, perhaps it can be avoided. Who has the control on this issue ? - it was under the previous generation, not the fault of present generation. God become the victim because all the bad things happened but God didn't do anything, whereas the evil-doer was actually the previous generation.

5). Children born with disabilities like autism, down syndrome, etc cases from the people of surrounding has caused the fear of lifetime burden. Who has the control on this issue ? - it was under the 50% previous generation( genetic), 50% (choice - early detection abortion, early marriage/parenthood) present generation. The decision of early marriage is indirectly link to the preparation by previous generation (*).

6). Fear on commitment in term of time & financial. Majority current generation feel that they already struggling. Need to take care their SO, burdened with study loan, aging parent,
living a hectic life :-

Morning time going to work, the sun yet to rise,
Night time coming home from work, the sun already set,
The life seems forever hiding in the darkness,
Missing dearly the warm light from the sun.

Do current generation still dare to think about raising a new generation?- no. Who has the control on this issue ? - it was partially under the previous generation, not 100% the fault of present generation. The decision to marry late, have their children late by previous generation make the scenario even worse. The hardness of life in your linage did not disappear but it will only being push forward from your generation to your next generation(back loading). Your generation bersenang-senang dahulu, your coming generation will need to bersusah-susah kemudian. Some for the fear of the financial burden drag-drag until the biological constraint comes into picture.

7).A lot of current generation growing up without going through the "transition period", hence they doubt & fear whether they will like to have children or know how to take care of the children. It is the nature of human to fear what they do not know. What is the "transition period"? "Transition period" to me is the period when the generation is growing up, they are exposed to the activities of taking care of their younger cousins. When the family size was bigger in the past, there was tendency for the growing up children, when they reach their teenager or adolescent age will witness the child birth from their youngest uncle's or aunt's family or eldest sibling's. The exposure they have in this "transition period" will prepare them to become future father or mother figure. Sadly, as the size of the family is shrinking ( decision by previous generation based on reasons above), this window of opportunity for the growing up children to expose themselves to this "transition period" disappears on its own. The current generation growing not prepared to have children - it is the nature of human to fear what they do not know.

How significant is this "transition period" exposure ? Try to enroll your children from kindergarten primary school without introduction week - see if they will get the shock. Try to enroll your children from primary school to secondary school without orientation week, see if they will get the shock. Try to enroll your children from secondary school to college/university without any orientation week, see if they will get a shock.

So boy & girl, you want to know if your partner love children or not ? See if your partner are expose to the "transition period". They like the "transition period", very likely your marriage is going to have children.

Kidlin's law states, "If you write the problem down clearly, then the matter is half solved.". We discuss about the way forward next week after seeing participants inputs. Please be forewarn, my opinion will have the elements religion I believe in.

This post has been edited by nihility: Nov 5 2024, 11:49 AM

Different individual, different way to find their purpose. My way of finding my purpose , What I need to do? Why am I arriving to this world ? Where do I start ? How to serve the purpose ?

So, where to start? No point pondering too much because we are not given any map or operation manual but a brain, a pair of hand, a pair of leg & a body. This is the most fundamental necessity given to accomplish an individual mission/purpose. Since hands, legs & body adhere to mind/ thinking, it all started from the way of thinking (logic).

Think. If creator is great, his plan is indestructible , cannot be sabotaged, will not be put to halt regardless how each individual journey their life ( good or bad ending). Looks for the signs & patterns that is everlasting & enduring over times (years, decades, centuries, millenniums) . Immerse yourself deep into time using "back ward" thinking. Days after days, months after months, years after years, decades after decade, centuries after centuries, millenniums after millenniums, what are still same & what are not the same ?

Thing still remain the same:-

1) People still get married, have sex, reproduce. Marriage still results in happiness, unhappiness.
2) People still eat, still shit, still breathe to waste the oxygen of the world like the present day.
3) People still sleep, go to work & go to sleep again.
4) People still move around from 1 point to another point

But

1) There is changes in the way of living. Living in the cave →scattered at the open fields → group in village → town → city / modern urban city.
2) There is changes to the way of getting their foods. Food hunting → Rearing own farm animals → industrialize modern livestock farming
3) There is changes to the quality of the foods they are eating.
4) There is changes to the way ppl shiting…..but it is getting more & more hygienic & sanitary
5) There is changes to the way ppl travel. Walk using legs →riding animals → chariot (invention of wheel) → human operated bicycles → fossil fuel
powered vehicles (land - automobiles), etc

The changes shows progression. Thing is undergoing changes to become better & better over time & this is known as "refinement". Hence , by this observation alone, the refinement is the purpose of life. We are part of the world refinement process.

Refinement at the macro level involves the changes society in term of socio-politic, economy , culture , infrastructure , religion, etc.

Refinement at the individual level involves your own progression to utilize the biological lifespan given (finite) to be the best of yourself individually. The individual progression will indirectly contributes back to the macro level of progression of the world.

This post emphasis on the importance of establishing the purpose of life. The purpose of life will answers to the purpose having children or no children in the coming post.

This post has been edited by nihility: Nov 9 2024, 11:23 AM

Super rich can go for 3 kid. Hire maid pls

Didnt plan to have kid, why married please!?

This is true, with one small caveat. "better" doesn't really exist, as "better" is bounded by context of the environment of its time. Violent character is detrimental during peaceful times, but very useful during times of war/strife.

We die so that our ideas/information can be revitalised/tested to the new environment. That's also why we have children, so that they inherit the best of our ideas, challenge it, and adjust it for the environment of its time.

So like you say, if you don't understand your purpose in life, the role you play and your place in the grand scheme of things, you'll never know what to do; forever guided by instinct

You is one the few here that I admire secretly for being able to bring forward some unique thought. Personally, I want inquire this from you if you don't mind? At what age you come to "realization" ? Did you experience any major life crisis ?

We do something more complex the next post.

TTC : Chapter Fifty
Men enter this world with life and leave this world with death.

***
TTC : Chapter Thirty
"When things reach their prime, they start to age and decline.
This is the life that is diminishing and shall not reach the ultimate essence.

1) Knowing that we serve the purpose to this world & the "progression" is still a long way to go ( need more than 1 life cycle).
2) Knowing that this biological lifespan is finite. We can only live 70 ~ 80 y.o in our generation, there is only so much we can achieved.
3) Knowing that the knowledge & wisdom we attained throughout the mistake our lifetimes need to be preserved.
4) Bringing forward a new generation(children) & preparing them to take over the "purpose" is a way to go.

The above is my personal answer to bring children or not if you aware of the purpose. If you is not aware of the purpose, you still can bring children to this world but you are bringing them to this world probably due to your own selfish desires ( this part very subjective because there are quite a few who I know only came to notice their purpose of life after mid 30s)

***

Next one, if we bring the children to this world, then how many? 1 or more?

We start with 1 children scenario. Using some forward thinking. Imagine yourself as this single children raised by a family.

20 years from now
This child will grow up into young adult,
He/she may have everything because the family resources is concentrated on them,
He/she may not experience early life hardship/ obstacles to horn their characters - tendency to be pampered by parent

30 years from now
This child may be reaching suitable time for marriage & starting their family.
The age of the parent for this child - assume they got this children at 30 y.o ,
30 years later, the parent will be at 60 y.o.
The single child at the same time pondering
Our parent father mother +FIL & MIL= 4 ppl, should we consider to have children ?

40 years from now
The parent age > 70 y.o may be entering a deteriorated health stage due to aging,
If the single child(2nd generation) decided to have their children(3rd generation) 10 years ago, the 3rd generation will be around 10 y.o
It is a scenario where the 1st generation & 3rd generation will need the resources & time soon.
1st generation x 4 individual + 3rd generation….
The responsibility is so intense & will scare them of to have children of 4th generation.
This lineage will end as the last generation at the 3rd generation (very likely).
If it ended at 3rd generation, why bother to bring the children of 2nd generation? Just to fulfil the selfish purpose of 1st generation that the 1st generation have raise a generation( single child)- easy peasy task ?.

1 children option, their coming generation will ended with "dead road" but it is when you are no longer around in this world.

***

How I think a new generation( quantity + quality) should be raised. Every day we are busy to talk about the criteria of a life partner, why not talk about the children's expectation on their family & parent.

Let's go into the mind of coming generation using the thinking of Sun Tzu " to know you enemy, you must become your enemy", another round. As the observer from the children's point of view.

1) Te (Virtue) & loving family - I want to be born into a virtue & loving family. The parent are rightful & lead life by examples. I don't have to be bothered by unnecessary parent conflict as thing have been taken care at their generation. Which generation has the control on this issue? - it is under the current generation ( adult of present day) + previous generation ( grandparent).

2) Financially literate & responsible family - I want to be born in a family which financially literate & responsible, they need not to be wealthy or rich. As long as they do not ask me to inherit the burden of previous generation ( reckless debt from gambling) & provide me "just nice" resources to grow. Who has the control on this issue? - it is under the current generation ( adult of present day) + previous generation ( grandparent).

3) Wise family - I want to be born into a wise family. The parent is able to well prepare me for my life purpose. The elder/grandparent of the family is able to guide me on the wisdom of life. Before I reaches adulthood, I would like to reach awakening & understand majority of the cause & effect of life, leading the most purposeful life with the least time wastage. The parent & elders will not interfere with my decision making but will point out each of the cause & effect after I have made the decision, they will not scold or judge instead let me understand the possibility of better way to do thing to hone my decision making & shape my characters. Who has the control on this issue ? - it is under the current generation ( adult of present day) + previous generation ( grandparent).

4) A team of strong, healthy & intellectual siblings. I want someone from the same generation to talk & discuss. If possible , the age gap should not be too far because only the same phase of will understand the inner struggle I'm going through. Having a beautiful & intellectual elder/younger sister who can be your sparring partner or partner in crime is cool. Having a handsome & intellectual elder/younger brother who can become your tag team / side kick to kick ass & "fight" is cool. Having a mini army of siblings ( 2 pax,4 pax, 6 pax, etc - always in pair) , where each of the sibling has their own unique ability to strengthen the mini army of sibling is cool - we (siblings) can conquer our generation world together, shoulder to shoulder and strength to strength. Who has the control on this issue ? - it is under the current generation ( adult of present day) + previous generation ( grandparent).

5). A healthy physical and mental ( free from any deformation) . I want to be born with a healthy physical and mental. If there deformation detected during early pregnancy, please don't bring me further to this world. I wish my parent to marry early & have us (siblings) < their 30 y.o so that the risk of deformation is greatly reduced. Who has the control on this issue ? -it is under the current generation ( adult of present day) + previous generation ( grandparent).

6). 20 ~ 24 years later from now , I may fall in love with someone daughter /son. If I rely on my own effort to save/earn money for the marriage, very likely I'll delay my marriage plan until mid-30s. My sweetheart may be frustrated & wasted her prime age just to wait. How I wish my parent will understand & will tell me " our generation got you covered, your previous generation path their way for my generation, now it is our generation turn to path way for your generation. Go & get marry as we have financially prepare you for this day, make sure you selflessly path the same way for your coming generation like the past generation. Go & get start your family around at late 20s so that, when you got married, your parent & in laws are still strong & young at their late 50s. We still can contribute to your younger generation". Who has the control on this issue ? -it is under the current generation ( adult of present day) + previous generation ( grandparent).

***

As absurd as it may sound the above, using the above future children's wish list, we eliminate all the possible obstacles not in the children control like how we manage our works related obstacles. Here is how the current generation parent need to prepare themselves :-

1) Te (Virtue) Loving family - Current generation need to be virtue & loving family. The parent are rightful & lead life by examples. The current generation must not bother the coming generation with unnecessary parent conflict. Give them a loving & wholesome family.

2) Financially literate & responsible family - Current generation must be financially literate & responsible. Do not treats your children as an investment to inherits your burden or as a retirement plan. The children should have their own dream to chase & not to inherits the burden of the previous generation. Prepare them with the "sufficient" resources to educate them until tertiary education.

3) Wise family - Current generation must find your life purpose. If current generation are directionless, you future generation will be raised at the lowest realm environment where the conditions are ruled by the animal instinct.

4) A team of strong, healthy & intellectual siblings. Raised minimum a pair (2 pax). If fate is on your side, raise 4 or 6 pax so that your future generation will be a mini team / army that can conquer their generation. If fate is not on your side, thing will be made very harsh to get more children. If fate is on your side, your newborn will be easy to raise & bring fortune to the family. It will makes you not to hesitate to get one after another. For those who are already capable but trying to run away by doing lesser, my prayer to Heaven so that ppl like you will be blessed with quadruplets or sextuplets in one go, so that you cannot run away.

5). A healthy physical and mental ( free from any deformation). The current generation need to marry early before 30s with condition, the previous generation is well prepared / foresee that this life obstacle is hard to be faced by a single generation. Yes, the public will talk & say what a useless generation to rely on family to build their family. The public's opinion is more important or protecting your lineage continuity more important? Public comment so that they can boast about the future generation getting married without the past generation help. Yes - they gained the boasting point but at the expense of their future generation getting marry late , starting family late, risking the end path of their lineage at their grandchildren just in exchange for the "boasting ego". Ask yourself is this "ego" flexing worth it or continuity of your lineage quality to continue to serve the purpose more important?

6). 20 ~ 24 years later from now, the current generation need to path way for their future generation. You need to prepare the item 5) & be ready to assume role of elder to pass your life wisdom to your grandchildren. Become a young & reliable, parent, parent-in-law & grandparent.

Below are the quotes extracted from TTC :-

Tao gives birth to life and yet claims no possession.
It gives support without holding on to the merit.
It matures them but does not take control of.
This is called the Mystic Te(Virtue).

A saint acts without holding on to the achievements.
He accomplishes but does not claim for credit.
He has no desire to distinguish himself.

He who acts with desire shall fail.
He who tries to possess shall lose.

The great Tao is ever present.
It can adjust Itself to everything.
All things live by It, and It does not deny them.
When Its work is accomplished, It does not claim possession.

To the parent who understand. This should be how a new generation should be raised, so that they do not fear to build their own family & path way to their future generation.
"It takes a village to raise a child" has its truth. You need the effort of 3 generations. This is something missing in the current society. The highest form of love is the ability to dispense it without expecting it in return. So parent, what is the meaning of "love" you have toward your children?

20~30 years down the road, we shall revisit this & see who is able to raise a strong generation.

This post has been edited by nihility: Nov 17 2024, 06:13 PM

Maslow's hierarchy is a useful tool to get a discussion started. However there has been no evidence that it is true, and depending on what you've read on it; its also often misrepresented.

For instance, the pyramid depiction is not what he envisioned. Following from that, the "levels" don't have to be completed to reach the next level. Its entirely possible for you to be self-actualised without having your basic/psychological needs met 100%.

Realization of what? If you're talking about realization of my place in the world, that happened around 16-17 years old. Happened during a meditation session. Words cannot illustrate what I saw, but I realised I was both significant and insignificant at the same time. It gave me a deeper understanding of the freedom of choice.

I've faced a few life crisis, it didn't trigger any other realization, just knowing my place kept me steady despite the hardships. Granted I've not always walked the straight and narrow path; and have strayed and wandered from time to time, but always come back.