Some Good News


A woman called her husband at work and told him she had some good news and some bad news. "Which do you want first?" she asked.

With a sigh the husband replied, "Let me have the good news first dear."

"Ok," she said, "well ... the air bags work ... "

Satisfaction


A young woman had her face severely burned in a serious car accident. The doctors were unable to use any skin on her body to graft onto her face for reconstructive surgery, so her husband offered the skin off his butt instead.

The surgery was successful and she was, once again, as beautiful as she was before the accident.

As she and her husband were watching TV together one evening, she broke down crying. "What's the matter, honey?" he asked her. With tears rolling down her cheeks she sobbed, "I can't believe you did this for me."

Putting his arms around her, he replied, "Sweetheart, I love you. I'd do anything for you."

"But how will I ever be able to repay you?" she asked.

"No need to repay me," he said. "You have no idea how much satisfaction I get each time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek!"

You Call This Fun?


An angry wife was complaining to her husband about his spending all his time at the pub, so he decided to take her along one night.

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I guess I'll just have the same as you," she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his back in one gulp. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out.

"Yuck!" she spluttered. "That was horrible. I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

No Comparison


After being married for thirty-five years, the couple decided to revisit the places they had gone on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a sprawling ranch with a tall deer fence running alongside the road.

"Darling," the wife said, "let's do the same thing we did here thirty-five years ago."

Stopping the car, they both got out. The husband then backed his wife against the fence and they made love like never before.

Returning the the car afterwards, the husband looked at his wife and said, "Sweetheart, you never moved like that thirty-five years ago or any time since, for that matter."

"Well dear, thirty-five years ago that fence wasn't electrified!" replied his wife.

It Feels Good


The husband arrived home from work one day and said to his wife, "Honey, I have a new secretary and imagine what happened. She has a red and white bra. Those are the colors of my favorite football team. It's really not a big deal, but it feels good."

The next day when he got home, his wife asked him how his day was.

"Terrific!" he replied. "Get this! Not only is her bra red and white, but her panties are too. You know it's not a big deal, but it really feels good."

The following day they met at home after work and this time the husband asked his wife, "What happened today in your office, honey?"

"Nothing special, dear," she said. "I got a new boss today. His d*** is at least two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, damn, it feels good!"

Something For The House


The husband hadn't arrived home at his usual hour and his wife was getting more and more angry the later it got. Finally, she heard him arrive home in the early hours of the morning, drunk as a skunk.

"Do you have any idea what time it is?" she screamed at him.

"Don't go getting all excited, honey," he stammered. "I'm late because I bought something for the house."

Hearing this, she excitedly ran down the stairs to meet him and asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"

"A round of drinks!" he replied.

Rubber Band


"Doctor, my fiance and I are getting married this weekend, and he thinks I'm still a virgin," the woman said. "Can you do anything to help me?"

"Medically, no," replied the doctor. "Try this: When you're getting ready for bed on your wedding night, slide a thick rubber band around your upper thigh. When he enters you, snap the rubber band and explain to him that it's your cherry popping."

On their wedding night, the bride undressed in the bathroom and slid the rubber band around her thigh. The couple then got into bed and began to make love. When her husband entered her, she snapped the rubber band right on cue.

"What the hell was that?" exclaimed the husband.

"That was my cherry popping," she explained.

"Well, could you snap it again?" he moaned. "It's got my balls!"

Trophy Winner


Jim was so excited when he staggered home from the stag party, he just had to wake up his wife to tell her the news.

"Look, honey, I won it!" he told her, holding up a cheap-looking trophy.

"How?" asked his wife, still half-asleep.

"We had a contest to see who has the longest d***," he said, beaming with pride.

"What!" she screamed. "How could you make such a fool of yourself? You took it out in front of all those people?"

"Hell no, honey, not all of it," he said, "just enough to win!"

A Day At The Fair


Every year, Fred and Ethel would spend a day at the State Fair. Every year, Fred would say, "Ethel, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year, Ethel would say, "I know, Fred, but that airplane ride cost hundred dollars, and hundred dollars is hundred dollars."

One year, while they were at the fair, Fred said, "Ethel, I'm 74 years old. If I don't have a ride in that airplane this year, I may never get another chance."

"Fred, that airplane ride cost hundred dollars, and hundred dollars is hundred dollars," Ethel replied.

The pilot happened to overhear them and said, "Listen folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you anything. But, if you say one word, then you'll have to pay the hundred dollars."

Fred and Ethel agreed, so up they went. The pilot did all kinds of rolls and dives, twists and turns, but not a word was heard. He did all his fancy maneuvers again, but still not a word.

When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Fred and said, "Gosh, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, and yet you never said a word."

"Well," Fred replied, "I was going to say something when Ethel fell out, but hundred dollars is hundred dollars."

Having Trouble Spelling


A woman was sitting at the breakfast table reading a letter, when she suddenly looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"My mother says that she won't be coming to visit us this year," she said. "She says that she doesn't feel we really want her to come. What do you suppose she means by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

"Ummm, yes, I did," replied the husband. "But, er, I was having trouble spelling 'convenience', so I made it 'risk'."

Mirror Mirror, On The Wall


A guy, returning home from a trip, noticed that his wife's breasts were larger, so he asked her what she had done.

She replied, "I said mirror mirror, on the wall, make my breasts DD and it happened."

The guy went and stood in front of the mirror, and said, "Mirror mirror, on the wall, make my penis touch the ground."

His legs fell off!



This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Mar 12 2007, 09:51 AM

Window Cleaner


Jim was making love to his wife the other day and she kept calling out the name of the window cleaner ... Jim was a little suspicious I can tell you ... until she got up and closed the curtains.

More Romantically Inclined


Diane was married to a real male chauvinist. Although they both worked full-time, he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework.

One day Steve, her husband, read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job. So, one evening, he declared to do her work.

When Diane arrived home from work, she was stunned to see the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner cooking on the stove, and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was truly astonished and wanted to know what was going on. When she asked Steve, he told her about the article he had read.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the office. "How did it work out?" they asked.

Diane said, "Steve even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed my evening."

"But, what about afterward?" her friends asked anxiously.

"Oh, it didn't work out," Diane replied. "Steve was much too tired!"

Really Tied One On


A man decided to leave work early and go drinking. He stayed at the bar until it closed and by then, he was very drunk. When he got home, he didn't want to wake up his wife, so he removed his shoes and started to tiptoe up the stairs.

Halfway up the stairs, he fell backwards and landed flat on his butt. That wouldn't have been so bad, but he had a couple of empty bottles in his back pocket which broke and carved up his buttocks pretty badly. He was so drunk though, that he didn't even realize he was hurt.

He made it up the stairs and into the bathroom, where he began to undress. Suddenly noticing some blood, he checked himself out in the mirror. Sure enough, he saw that his behind was cut up something awful. He repaired the damage as best he could, under the circumstances, and went to bed.

When he woke up in the morning, his head was hurting, his backside was hurting, and he was cowering under the covers, trying to think up a good story.

Just then, his wife entered the room and said, "Well, it looks like you really tied one on last night. Where were you?"

"I worked late, dear," he replied, meekly, "and went out for a couple of beer."

"A couple of beer? That's a good one," she snapped. "You got plastered! Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" he asked.

"Well," she replied, "my first clue was when I got up this morning and saw all the band-aids stuck to the mirror."

Concerned Family


Eighty-five year old Grandpa had just broken the news to his family - he was going to marry a twenty-five year old nymphomaniac.

Upon hearing his news, the family became quite concerned. Taking him aside, his daughter said, "Dad, we're very concerned that sex with a girl like that could prove to be fatal."

"So what!" exclaimed Grandpa. "If she dies, she dies!"


This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Mar 14 2007, 12:53 PM

In an actual wedding I've attended!

A person wishing the groom... "I don't know whether to congratulate you, or pity you."

The Conversationalist


A rather awkward and shy young man asked one of his more experienced friends how he was always so successful with the ladies.

"It's easy," explained his friend. ""The trick is to get the conversation rolling. I always start with one of three topics: family, food or philosophy. Any girl in the world is bound to have something to say about one of those subjects. Once you get her talking, it's easy from there."

The next night, the young man had a date, but in the first five minutes a complete silence had fallen over the table. Finally, remembering his friend's advice, he cleared his throat and began, "So, do you have a brother?"

"No," his date replied.

Noting that hadn't gone very well and his date hadn't offered any kind of follow-up information, he thought perhaps he would have better luck with food. "So, do you like Italian food?" he asked.

"No," replied his date.

Now desperate, he thought and thought, trying to come up with some kind of philosophical question. Finally, he said, "So, tell me, IF you had a brother, would HE have liked Italian food?"

So Much For Mom's Advice


A young man phoned his mother and excitedly announced that he had just met the woman of his dreams. "What should I do now, Mom?" he asked.

"Well, why don't you send her flowers and, on the card, invite her to your place for a home cooked meal?" his mother suggested.

The young man thought this sounded like a great idea. A week later, the woman came to dinner.

The following day, his mother called him to see how things had gone.

"I have never been so humiliated, Mom," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet!" groaned the young man.

The Sandal Shop


While vacationing in Pakistan, a married couple were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, ""You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So, the couple entered.

"I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel," the Pakistani man said to them.

After what the Pakistani man claimed, the wife was very interesting in buying the sandals. However, her husband felt he didn't need them at all, being the sex god he was, so he asked the shop owner, "How can sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied by saying, "Just try them on."

After considerable badgering from his wife, the husband conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at his pants. All the while, the Pakistani man was screaming, "The wrong feet! YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"

Definite Water Problem


As soon as Susan arrived home, she said to her husband, "Honey, the car won't start, but I do know what the problem is."

"What do you mean? What's wrong with it?" he asked.

"There's water in the carburetor," Susan replied.

"Sweetheart," her husband said, "please don't take this the wrong way, but you wouldn't know a carburetor from an accelerator."

"No, really honey, there's water in the carburetor," insisted Susan.

"Ok, dear, I'll go take a look at it. Where is it?" her husband asked.

"In the lake!" Susan replied.