Keeping Score


A couple has a male friend visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in and keeps him from traveling. Since the couple doesn't have a guest room, the friend says he'll find a nearby hotel and be on his way in the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we are all friends here." The husband agrees, and before long they're settled in: Husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring. The wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me," he says.

"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair out of his butt. He won't even wake up."

The friend does and, sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked from his butt. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed.

After about twenty minutes, she's back on his side of the bed asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's butt, and again they have sex. This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the fifth or sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side of the bed.

The husband then rolls over and whispers to his friend, "It's bad enough that your screwing my wife, but must you use my butt for a scoreboard!"

Get Rich Quick Plan


A gorgeous young woman decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she came up with a plan. She proceeded to find herself a wealthy old man and planned to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problems, even with the more than half-a-century age difference.

On the first night of their honeymoon, she got undressed and waited for him to come out of the bathroom and join her in bed. However, when he did emerge, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.

Fearful that her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The old man replied, "There are two things I can't stand ... the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!"

wow! 10k page count... I never thought I'll last this long.

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Second Honeymoon


An elderly couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

"We'll go to all the same places we went to on our first honeymoon," the old woman said.

"Yup," said the old man.

"We'll do all the things we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"Uh-huh," the old man replied.

"And, we'll make love like we did on our first honeymoon," the old woman added.

"Yup," replied the old man, "except, this time, I get to sit on the edge of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!"

A Couple of Black Eyes


Louis arrived home from work one day sporting two black eyes.

"What on earth happened to you?" asked his wife.

"Well, while I was on the bus this morning going to work this fat lady got up to get off," Louis explained. "As she passed by, I noticed that her skirt was caught up in the crack of her butt. Hoping to save her some embarrassment, I reached over and pulled it out and she turned around and hit me in the eye."

"And how do you explain the other eye?" his wife inquired.

"Well, I figured I must have done something wrong," Louis said, "so as she turned to walk away, I reached over and tucked it back in!"

Making Puppies


A man and his son were walking through the park one day, when they saw two dogs having sex.

"Daddy, what are they doing?" the young boy asked his father.

Thinking fast, the father said, "Well, son, they're making puppies."

Everything was fine for a few days. Then, one afternoon, the father was making love to his wife when their son walked in on them.

"Daddy, what are you doing?" he asked.

Thinking fast, the father said, "We're making you a baby brother."

The son thought for a moment, then said, "Well, roll her over, Daddy, I'd much rather have a puppy!"

Tie Me Up


A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife. She's dressed in a sexy little nightie.

"Tie me up," she purrs, "and you can do anything you want."

So, he ties her up and goes out for a round of golf.

Wanting To Get Weighed


Jim took his blind date, Kelly, to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kelly?" Jim asked.

"I want to get weighed," Kelly said, so they went over to the weight guesser. He guessed 125 pounds. Kelly got on the scale, it read 122 and she won a prize.

Next, they went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Jim again asked Kelly what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," Kelly replied.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had already been there, he guessed her weight correctly and Jim lost his dollar.

They walked around the carnival and again, Jim asked her what she would like to do next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Jim thought she was really weird and took her home, dropped her off and ended the evening with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date. "How did it go?" asked Laura.

"Oh, Waura, it was wousy!" Kelly moaned.

Delivering The Best Toast


A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. "I won the contest for the best toast of the night," he replied.

She then asked what his toast was. He said, "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in church with me wife." "How sweet of you to include me in your toast," his wife replied.

While out shopping the following morning, Mrs. Murphy ran into the local policeman on the beat, who also attended the Toastmasters meetings.

"Mornin' Mrs. Murphy," he said. "That was a wonderful toast your husband gave last night. He won first prize."

"Well, I'm afraid he wasn't quite honest with the facts," Mrs. Murphy replied. "He's only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Lose The Beard


A married man was spending the afternoon with his girlfriend when she asked that he shave his beard.

"I do like your beard, John, but I would really love to see your handsome face," she said.

"My wife loves this beard, honey," he replied. "I couldn't possibly shave it. She would kill me."

"Oh, please?" his girlfriend purred.

"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.

That night, John crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

His wife stirred, felt his face, and said, "Oh, Robert, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

At The Circus


A couple took their young son to the circus and when the elephants appeared, the boy seemed very intrigued by them.

"Mommy, what's that long thing on the elephant?" he asked.

"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.

"No, not that. What's that long thing that's hanging between the elephant's legs?" asked the boy.

Embarrassed, the mother replied, "Oh, it's nothing, son." She then left to get some hot dogs and sodas.

While she was gone, the young boy turned to his father and asked, "Daddy, what's that long thing hanging between the elephant's legs?"

"That's the elephant's penis, son," explained the father.

"Well, why did mommy say it was nothing when I asked her?" the boy asked.

Taking a deep breath, the father proudly replied, "I've spoiled that woman, son!"

Young Japanese Bride


A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she got married she was to please her husband and never do anything to upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon, when the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and let out a big fart.

She quickly looked up and said, "'Scuse please, front hole so happy, back hole whistle."

Elevated Train


A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to go to the bar for a drink, but the wife is very tired from the trip and decides to go on up to their room to rest.

Just as she lies down on the bed, an elevated train passes by very close to the window, shaking the room so hard that she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again, a train goes by and shakes the room so violently that she's thrown to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager, who says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical, but the wife insists the story is true. "Look," she says, "lie here on the bed ... you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So, the manager lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband enters the room. "What are you doing here?!?" he shouts.

"Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?" the manager calmly replies.

The Morning After


Sam wakes up at home with a huge hangover. Forcing himself to open his eyes, the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and notices his clothes in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, all spotless and clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, "Sweetheart, your breakfast is on the stove. I had to leave early to go shopping. Love you."

So, he goes to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating.

"What happened last night, son?" Sam asks.

His son replies, "Well, you came home after 3:00 AM, very drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Sam asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

"Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Lady, leave me alone. I'm married'," his son replies.

Dietitian's Lecture


A dietitian was giving a lecture to a large audience.

"The materials we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us in this room, years ago. Red meat is very bad. Vegetables can be disastrous and none of us even realize the germs that are in our drinking water. Given all that, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and all of us have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? What one food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A seventy year old man sitting in the front row jumped up and said, "Wedding cake!"

Traditional Upbringing


Arriving at their honeymoon suite the newlyweds realize that since they were both brought up the old traditional way, both were still virgins and neither knew how to have sex. After half an hour of trying to figure out how to go about things, the husband comes up with an idea.

"Ok, honey," he says, "here's what we'll do. You go into the bathroom and I'll go into the closet. We'll both get undressed and turn off the lights in the bedroom. On the count of three, we'll rush out at each other and it will happen right in the middle of the bedroom."

Not having any better ideas, the wife agrees. She goes into the bathroom and he goes into the closet. The anticipation is driving him crazy and as he starts to remove his clothes he begins to get an erection.

The wife turns off the lights and on the count of three they both rush out into the bedroom towards each other. Since the room is so dark, the husband becomes disoriented and rushes right past his wife ... right into a dresser, hitting his penis so hard against it that he passes out from the pain.

He comes to in a hospital bed with a doctor looking down on him. Still in a terrific amount of pain, he moans, "How bad is it doc?"

"You'll be fine, son," replies the doctor, "but wait until you see your wife. We still haven't been able to get her off the doorknob!"

The Decision Is Yours


A husband and wife were dining at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning woman comes over to their table, plants a big kiss on the husband, says she'll see him later, and walks away.

The wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!?"

"Oh, that's my mistress," replies the husband.

"That's it! I've had enough! I want a divorce!" demands the wife.

"Ok, dear," the husband replies, "but do remember, if we get divorced, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no more winters in the Caribbean, no more summers on the Riviera, no more Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours."

Just then, they notice a mutual friend enter the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Bill?" asks the wife.

"That's Bill's mistress," her husband replies.

"Oh, ours is far prettier!" the wife declares.

The Best Dinner In Years


An elderly woman was enjoying a game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening when she suddenly exclaimed, "Oh, no! I must get home and fix dinner for my husband. He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time!"

When she got home, she realized she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she found in the cupboard was an egg, a wilted lettuce leaf and a can of cat food.

Panicking, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted him and watched in horror as he sat down to eat his dinner. Much to her surprise, he really enjoyed it. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in all our years of marriage. You can make this for me any time you wish."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish for dinner. When she told her bridge cronies about it, they were horrified. "Good grief," they exclaimed. "You're going to kill him!"

A few months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in! How can you sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing that you murdered your husband?"

"I didn't kill him," the woman calmly replied. "He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt!"

Expensive Cosmetics


A husband bought his wife a new line of expensive cosmetics that were guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After sitting in front of the mirror for a lengthy time, applying the miracle products, she asked, "Tell me honestly, darling, what age would you say I am?"

He looked her over carefully and replied, "Let's see. Judging from you skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you're such a flatterer," she gushed.

"Hey, hold on a second," he interrupted, "I haven't added them up yet."

Most Dangerous Snake


NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION: Worldwide

DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with a mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin). Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit which can reach distances of up to 2-3 feet. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & subspecies.

SYMPTOMS: Attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen.

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:-

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: Completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyway.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

SEARCHING FOR ANTI-VENOM:-

1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.

2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.

3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and start spitting. The length of time it takes for the milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.

4. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for approximately 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION:-

Although very aggressive and active, this snake is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the proper respect, it makes a wonderful pet.

Masked Halloween Party


A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. Unfortunately, the wife had a horrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued that there was no need for his good time to be spoiled just because she wasn't going. She was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and urged him to go to the party and enjoy himself.

After taking some aspirin and sleeping for an hour or so, the wife awakened without any pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

Since her husband had no idea what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she wasn't with him.

She joined the party and quickly spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every chick he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. She casually sidled up to him and being a seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and turned his attentions to her.

Naturally, since he was her husband, she allowed him to go as far as he wanted.

Eventually, he leaned closer to her and whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. The two of them went out to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home. She put the costume away and got into bed wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his behavior.

She was still awake when he came in so she asked him what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never enjoy myself when you're not with me," he replied.

"Did you dance very much?" she asked.

"I never even danced one dance," he said. "When I got there, I met up with a few of the guys, so we went into the den and played cards all evening. But I'll tell you ... the guy that borrowed my costume sure had a real good time!"