3 nation husband!


An American woman, a British woman, and an Italian woman were having lunch. The American woman said, "I told my husband that I wasn't going to clean the house anymore. If he wanted it clean, he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, voila! My husband had cleaned the whole house!"

The British woman agreed. "I told my husband that I wasn't going to do the laundry anymore. If he wanted it done he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, voila! My husband had done both his and my laundry!"

The Italian woman chimed in, "I told my husband that I wasn't going to cook anymore. If he wanted home cooking he would have to either go by his mother or cook for himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, I began to see a little out of my left eye."

Not Good Anniversary


A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here LIies My Wife - Cold As Ever."

Later, the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone, on which the inscription read: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

**********************

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

Why are You Not Married? Here are some comebacks:




You haven't asked yet.

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

Because I just love hearing this question.

Just lucky, I guess.

It gives my mother something to live for.

My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole.

I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

It didn't seem worth a blood test.

I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.

I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

Why aren't you thin?

I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

Bonus reply for Single Mothers: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

The Marriage Fairy


A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday.

During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90

Fine Dining


John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no he didn't. In fact, my husband just walked in the front door."

lol..this is funny.

hahaahahahahahahahaah...i laughed so hard in the office.....shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound.....i can imagine tat man....

i guess next time i might be like him la...if my wife is sporting enuf

hahaahahaha...dem..this post make my day man!!!

Dating Service


A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-line dating services. I asked him the other day if he had had any luck and he said he'd quit -- seems they'd matched him up with his wife.

Romantic Food


Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.
Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?"
Again Joe thought this was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"

Snails


A married couple were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any escargot for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment, but he was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails spilling them all down the stairs. The door suddenly opens with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

Oral Cure


A woman was seriously injured in an auto accident that caused her to go into a coma. After months of treatment, she still showed no signs of recovery.

One day the nurse was giving the lady a sponge bath. When the nurse wiped her *****, the lady quivered. The nurse was excited. She ran into the doctor's office and informed him of the situation. The doctor took the sponge and wiped the lady's ***** and again she quivered.

Immediately the doctor called the lady's husband. When the husband arrived at the hospital, the doctor suggested to him, "Your wife is responding to stimuli. You may be able to bring her out of the coma. Try having oral sex with her. She may respond to your touch and your smell. She needs you." The husband was more than willing. He was however a little embarrassed about having oral sex in front of the doctor. The doctor suggested that he and the nurse would monitor the event from another room across the hall.

So the doctor hooked the lady up to several electrodes and he and the nurse went to the other room to monitor the session. After a while of watching the meters go beep.... beep.... beep...., the heart monitor flat lined. The lady had died. The doctor and nurse ran into the room and asked, "What happened? Your wife is dead!!" The husband replied, "I think she choked."

lol this is fkin classic

very funny!
may i e-mail these to my friend?

sure... i just compile up anyway.

Stowaway


A depressed young woman from a Penang finishing school was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the water. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy?" The girl nodded. What did she have to lose?

In the dark of night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat under a tarp. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches, coffee and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, the girl was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" he asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe and every night he brings me food and screws me." "He sure does, lady," said the captain. "This is the Penang Island Ferry."

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!

CIA Final Test


Three men are getting ready for their final test to become CIA agents. The instructor says that their final test is to kill their wives. So, the instructor hands a gun to the first guy and he goes into another room where his wife is. The man returns just a few minutes later and says that he loves his wife too much and can't go through with it.

The second guy goes into the room with the gun to kill his wife. He returns 10 minutes later and says that even though he really wants to become an agent he just couldn't kill his wife.

So, the instructor hands the gun off to the third guy and he proceeds into the room. After about 15 minutes they hear three gun shots go off. The man returns a few minutes afterwards all sweaty and out of breath. The instructor asks the man what happened and the man replied "Some idiot put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle the b****".

Golf Mate


A couple of old friends are trying to play a round of golf when they catch up with two women. They watch with mounting frustration as the ladies manage to hit every water hazard, bunker and piece of rough - without waving them through, as golf etiquette requires. After two tedious hours of waiting, one of the men decides enough is enough and walks over to ask them if he can play through. He strides up the fairway, but halfway up stops suddenly and quickly returns. "I can't do it," he says to his playing partner. "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress! Maybe it'd be better if you went to talk to them." The second man agrees, but halfway there he too, noticeably slows down, stops and returns, just like his colleague had done. "What's up?" asks the first man. "I tell you what," says the second man, gazing at his shoes and smiling sheepishly. "It's a small world, isn't it?"

Save money on Dentist

A married couple goes into a dentist's office. The husband is in a big hurry. He says, "No expensive extras, Doc. No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as brave as you," the dentist says. "Now, which tooth is it?"

The husband turns to his wife and says, "Show him your tooth, honey."