Jokes of the day, Compilation
|
|
 May 9 2017, 02:51 PM
Show posts by this member only | IPv6 | Post
#801
|
 
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire 
|
Extracted from a court report from India :
Judge : "Raj, why were you beaten up in public? What did you do?" Raj : "Sir, I am innocent!" Judge : "Why do you say that?" Raj : "Your Honour, I was in crowded bus and my photo fell from my wallet. So I only say to lady in front of me,"Aunty, please lift your sari, I want to take photo..." |
|
|
|
|
|
May 9 2017, 02:58 PM
Show posts by this member only | IPv6 | Post
#802
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to a Mental Hospital. He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home.
He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down. When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain. As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic. One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened. The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident. The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple problem... No wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..." "What you can do is, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that" The driver was very impressed and asked: "You're so smart but why are you here at the Mental Hospital?" Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm Crazy not STUPID ok!" |
|
|
May 9 2017, 03:01 PM
Show posts by this member only | IPv6 | Post
#803
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Condom use on an aircraft............
A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eyeing each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted. Rear toilet? He suggests. Five minutes, she agrees and goes off. He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. Right, get that condom on, she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure. But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what they are up to, So, she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system. "To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector." .. .. .. .. And what were you thinking ? I worry about you sometimes !! |
|
|
May 9 2017, 03:21 PM
Show posts by this member only | IPv6 | Post
#804
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A mental patient suddenly escaped from a hospital. When he encountered a coconut tree outside the hospital, the man immediately climbed up. Some hospital staff who arrived shortly after tried to persuade him to come down. But the man refused to go down. The situation was quite tense. Some agencies such as police, fire and rescue were called in to help capture the patient. A police officer with a loudspeaker told the man to come down and said they will shoot if he refuses to come down. But the man still won't budge. The man seems like he wanted to jump whenever there was an attempt to climb coconut tree. All efforts to persuade the man failed. A moment later a hospital staff came up with another mental patient. They were housed in the same ward. The hospital staff requested a gun from a policeman and give it to the patient who just arrived. The patient then pointed the gun to his friend on the tree. "You better come down right now! If not I will shoot you down!" The man quickly climbed down from the coconut tree and he was later arrested by some policemen. The Police officers asked, "Why was it when I gave the warning you did not heed? But when your friend did you came down immediately?" "Because I know the police will not shoot me. But my friend here, he's really crazy. You can't count on crazy people, they'll shoot you right away!. |
|
|
May 9 2017, 03:23 PM
Show posts by this member only | IPv6 | Post
#805
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A group of Malaysian husbands gathered at a conference on, "How to live in a loving relationship with your wife".
The men were asked, "How many of you love your wife?" All the men raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your wife you loved her?" Some men answered today, some yesterday, majority didn’t remember. The men were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective wife: "I love you, sweetheart". Then, the men were asked to exchange phones, so each of them can read the other wife's response to the love message.. Here are some of the replies from 10 of them: 1. Have you impregnated someone again. 2. That was then, not now. 3. You want to borrow money right? 4. What did you do again? I won’t forgive you this time! 5. Meaning? 6. Is that a new song? 7. Am I dreaming! 8. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today! 9. You this man! I asked you to stop drinking! 10. Please who is this? 11. Apa! buang tabiat ke orang tua ni? 12. What ever! I have a headache. 13. SAYA TAK AKAN SIGN BORANG TU |
|
|
May 9 2017, 03:29 PM
|
All Stars
15,856 posts Joined: Nov 2007 From: Zion  
|
QUOTE(Aydee @ May 9 2017, 03:23 PM) A group of Malaysian husbands gathered at a conference on, "How to live in a loving relationship with your wife". lolThe men were asked, "How many of you love your wife?" All the men raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your wife you loved her?" Some men answered today, some yesterday, majority didn’t remember. The men were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective wife: "I love you, sweetheart". Then, the men were asked to exchange phones, so each of them can read the other wife's response to the love message.. Here are some of the replies from 10 of them: 1. Have you impregnated someone again. 2. That was then, not now. 3. You want to borrow money right? 4. What did you do again? I won’t forgive you this time! 5. Meaning? 6. Is that a new song? 7. Am I dreaming! 8. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today! 9. You this man! I asked you to stop drinking! 10. Please who is this? 11. Apa! buang tabiat ke orang tua ni? 12. What ever! I have a headache. 13. SAYA TAK AKAN SIGN BORANG TU  |
|
|
|
|
|
May 9 2017, 03:40 PM
Show posts by this member only | IPv6 | Post
#807
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
After watching the story of one king Watanabe, a 7 year old child said:
"Mommy, when I grow up I also want to have 4 wives. One to cook, to make a drink, one to wash and iron clothes, another to bathe me. " Her mother smiled and said: "Then who will accompany you to sleep?" After thinking for a moment, the boy said: "I would still sleep with you, Mommy!" His mother was in tears as she was feeling really loved by him ... "You're a good kid, my love ..", she said. "Then, who is gonna sleep with your four wives?",she asked again "Just let Dad who sleep with them, Mom." Tears of joy for his father as he was so happy to hear that. And his tears came out more as the mother threw the cooking pot at him. |
|
|
Jun 8 2017, 04:23 PM
Show posts by this member only | IPv6 | Post
#808
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations that he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!" Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD! God, I need food. I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries." The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!" The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "HA...HA. I told you there was no Lord! I bought those groceries, myself! God didn't!" The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, "PRAISE THE LORD! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the Devil pay for them! PRAISE THE LORD!" |
|
|
Jun 8 2017, 04:27 PM
Show posts by this member only | IPv6 | Post
#809
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago." The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before. Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!" The woman says, "thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!" |
|
|
Jun 8 2017, 04:28 PM
Show posts by this member only | IPv6 | Post
#810
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES. The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read… Main entrance. |
|
|
Jun 8 2017, 04:30 PM
Show posts by this member only | IPv6 | Post
#811
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Sh*t." |
|
|
Jun 8 2017, 04:34 PM
Show posts by this member only | IPv6 | Post
#812
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Google's pizza
- Hello! Gordon's pizza? - No sir it's Google's pizza. - So it's a wrong number?" Sorry - No sir, Google bought it. - OK. Take my order please - Well sir, you want the usual?" - The usual? You know me? - According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust. - OK! This is it ... - May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato.? - What? I hate vegetables. - Your cholesterol is not good, sir." - How do you know? - We crossed the number of your fixed line ☎with your name, through the subscribers guide. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years. - Okay, but I do not want this pizza!,I already take medicine ... -"Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drug sale Network. - I bought more from another drugstore. - It's not showing on your credit card statement - I paid in cash - But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement - I have have other source of cash - This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source. -WHAT THE HELL? "I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.❤❤❤ - Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me "I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 5 weeks ago |
|
|
Jun 14 2017, 03:58 PM
Show posts by this member only | IPv6 | Post
#813
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.
One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?" The silver-haired Marcie looked up to see a distinguished-looking, white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and moved over gently to give him room to sit down. For the next two hours, the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long, happy marriages, ha lost their spouses during the previous year, and in general agreed about almost everything. Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma'am, may I ask you two questions?" With great interest and anticipation, Marcie replied, "Why certainly!" The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. "Marcie, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?" Marcie grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!" She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcie said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?" Jimmie scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?" |
|
|
|
|
|
Jun 14 2017, 04:00 PM
Show posts by this member only | IPv6 | Post
#814
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!" |
|
|
Jun 14 2017, 04:04 PM
Show posts by this member only | IPv6 | Post
#815
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happened upon an old tribesman lying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.
The father of the family asked the old tribeman what he was doing. The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, white, four-door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h. "That's amazing!" exclaimed the father. "You can tell all that just by listening to the ground?" "No," said the old tribesman, weakly. "They just ran over me five minutes ago!" |
|
|
Jun 14 2017, 04:06 PM
Show posts by this member only | IPv6 | Post
#816
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Her parents divorced, but that never stopped her from wanting to get married. Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear. A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother. Jennifer asked her stepmother to exchange it, but she refused. 'Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress and I'm wearing it,' she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.' A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.' Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner, the night before the wedding.' |
|
|
Jun 14 2017, 04:09 PM
Show posts by this member only | IPv6 | Post
#817
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed." |
|
|
Jun 14 2017, 04:11 PM
Show posts by this member only | IPv6 | Post
#818
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
It was the annual homecoming dance at the local high school gym. Most of the young folk were out on the dance floor but a few young men and women lined the sides of the gym, hoping for a dance partner to ask them out onto the dance floor.
After waiting anxiously for quite a while, a rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child." "Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant." |
|
|
Jun 14 2017, 04:12 PM
Show posts by this member only | IPv6 | Post
#819
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.
"If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?" "I'd have to say the living one." |
|
|
Jun 16 2017, 02:29 PM
Show posts by this member only | IPv6 | Post
#820
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Commandment 3. Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand! Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste. Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. |
| Change to: |  0.0242sec
 0.42
 5 queries
 GZIP Disabled
Time is now: 6th December 2025 - 05:16 PM |
Quote