Outline ·
[ Standard ] ·
Linear+
Jokes of the day, Compilation
|
TSAydee
|
 Aug 11 2017, 02:41 PM
|
|
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting
in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close with this comment: "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire
hydrants."
|
|
|
|
|
|
TSAydee
|
Aug 11 2017, 02:43 PM
|
|
|
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to
do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off
the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get
undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the
door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do
it!' And, she's always sound asleep."
|
|
|
|
|
|
TSAydee
|
Aug 11 2017, 02:44 PM
|
|
|
A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story.
As she moved aroundthe class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done.
Then she came across the drawing of one little boy. Hewas busy drawing a man driving an old car. In the backseat were two passengers—both scantily dressed.”
"It's a lovely picture,” prompted the teacher, “but which story does it tell?”
The little boy seemed surprised at the question.
“Well,” he exclaimed, “doesn't it say in the Bible that God drove Adamand Eve out of the Garden of Eden?”
|
|
|
|
|
|
TSAydee
|
Aug 11 2017, 02:45 PM
|
|
|
The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's office. He's a friendly guy and, on the rare
opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations.
While I was in his office, I asked him, "Sir, what is the secret of your success?"
He said, "Two words."
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Right decisions."
"But how do you make right decisions?"
"One word," he responded.
"And, Sir, what is that?"
"Experience."
"And how do you get experience?"
"Two words."
"And, Sir what are they?"
"Wrong decisions."
|
|
|
|
|
|
TSAydee
|
Aug 11 2017, 02:46 PM
|
|
|
My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. 'I have a higher IQ, did better on my SAT's, and make more money than
you,' she pointed out.
'Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I’m still ahead,' I said.
She looked mystified. 'How do you figure?'
'I married better,' I replied.
|
|
|
|
|
|
TSAydee
|
Aug 11 2017, 02:47 PM
|
|
|
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a
sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?"
The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."
|
|
|
|
|
|
TSAydee
|
Sep 25 2017, 03:28 PM
|
|
|
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent. "The stork brought you to us."
"Ohh..." said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, your grandparents found us under a rock."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
"Well darling, they were found under a cabbage leaf," said the parent.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
|
|
|
|
|
|
TSAydee
|
Sep 25 2017, 03:32 PM
|
|
|
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
|
|
|
|
|
|
TSAydee
|
Sep 25 2017, 03:33 PM
|
|
|
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.'
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.'
Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.'
Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.'
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.'
Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.'
Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'
|
|
|
|
|
|
TSAydee
|
Sep 25 2017, 03:35 PM
|
|
|
The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."
The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."
Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."
Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.
As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."
Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."
The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."
Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.
As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."
The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."
The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
|
|
|
|
|
|
TSAydee
|
Sep 25 2017, 03:44 PM
|
|
|
A CONFUSED SOCIETY...
S: I am a Singaporean.
F: But you look Chinese...
S: I am a Chinese Singaporean / I am a Singaporean Chinese.
F: So do you speak Chinese?
S: Yes, but not fluent.
F: But you are a Chinese..
S: I am a Singaporean Chinese, not Chinese from China.
F: So you are not a Chinese?
S: I am not Chinese from China.
F: But your great grand father is from China?
S: Yes, but I was born in Singapore, so I am a Singaporean Chinese.
F: So your great grand father speaks Chinese?
S: He speaks dialect.
F: Do you speak dialect?
S: No, I don't.
F: Why not?
S: Because our country has a Speak Mandarin campaign that is so successful that the new generation practically do not speak dialect anymore.
F: So you should speak very fluent Mandarin since it's so successful?
S: No. That campaign was effective before, but not anymore.
F: Why?
S: Because most people speak English nowadays.
S: We have a Speak Good English campaign.
F: So English is your National Language?
S: No!
F: So what is the National Language of Singapore?
S: Malay.
F: What?
S: Yes, Malay!
F: Do you speak Malay?
S: No.
F: Why not?
S: Because I am not Malay.
F: Then why is your National Language Malay?
S: That's another long history lesson.
F: So your National Language is Malay and nobody speak it?
S: The Malays speak Malay. That's their mother tongue.
S: We have four races: Chinese, Malay, Indian and Eurasian. Each speaks their own mother tongue.
F: So your mother tongue is Chinese?
S: Yes.
F: But you can't speak it fluently?
S: Yes.
F: Does the Malay or Indian speak fluent mother tongue?
S: More fluent than the Chinese speaking Chinese I supposed.
F: Why?
S: Because that's their mother tongue.
F: Then why can't the Chinese?
S: Because we speak English mainly in school.
F: I last heard that Singapore has a bilingual policy.
S: Yes, we have, we do learn mother tongue in school.
F: But you cannot speak Chinese fluently.
S: Yes.
F: Why?
S: Because our country's working language is mainly English, there is not much places to use the language, perhaps only with our grandparents and when we buy things in the market.
F: Then how is that bilingual?
S: I don't know.
F: So you are a Singaporean Chinese who can't speak your National Language, and cannot speak your mother tongue fluently and can only communicate in English with a strange accent.
S: What's wrong with my accent?
F: I don't know, it is just weird.
S:Does it sound British or American?
F: Neither, I thought you should sound British since you have been colonized before?
S: No, that was long long time ago, dude.
F: How come you try to sound American?
S: Because I watch alot of Hollywood movies.
F: Your English still sounds weird.
S: Oh, we call it Singlish.
F: So what are you really?
S: I am a Singaporean!
|
|
|
|
|
|
TSAydee
|
Sep 25 2017, 03:45 PM
|
|
|
Fully Nude British Lady gets into taxi, Gujrati Driver looks at her top to bottom repeatedly..
British Lady asks,
"Haven't u ever seen a naked woman before?"
Gujju Driver: It's not that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me..
MORAL:
Concentrate on your Business, no matter what happens..
Be professional..!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
TSAydee
|
Sep 25 2017, 03:48 PM
|
|
|
Two thieves break into a bank in the middle of the night and open a safe.
There is only some yogurt, but no money. They taste the yogurt. It's tainted.
The men open the next safe.
There is some yogurt too, it tastes much better but again - no money.
The thieves take on another safe. And there's yogurt again.
"John, why don't you go outside and look if it is indeed a bank!" says one to the other, and sits down to eat the yogurt which tastes really fresh and nutritious this time.
A couple of minutes late there comes John. "It is definitely a bank!"
"What exactly did the sign say?"
"The Sperm Bank of South Africa!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
TSAydee
|
Sep 26 2017, 11:25 AM
|
|
|
Kangenya and his wife Mutango received a letter from their daughter who went to study modern physics overseas.
SHE WROTE:
My beloved Parents, I miss u so much & it breaks my heart to think that by the time i get back, you will be too old.
So, enclosed you will find a bottle of a red potion i have invented. It will make you young, so when i return, you will be the same age as i left you.
NOTE: "Pls, take only a drop."GoodBye i love you!
So they opened the envelope & in it, is a bottle with a red potion. The man looked at his wife & says you go first". So Mutango takes a drop, thereafter Kangenya follows.
Indeed the wife turns 5yrs younger. Years later, the daughter returned home to find her mother young & pretty, carrying a baby on her back.
The mother proceeds to tell her daughter how the portion worked & made her look young. The daughter was happy & asks where her father was. "Your Father? Hmmmmm,, your father was so jealous that i was so young and beautiful, so he drank the whole bottle.
Whaaaat? So where is he?" replied her daughter. Hmmmm, he is the one I am carrying on my back.
|
|
|
|
|
|
TSAydee
|
Nov 17 2017, 09:21 AM
|
|
|
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an green envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad".
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Mariel and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Mariel said that we will be very happy.
Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Mariel taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Mariel can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Tom
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
|
|
|
|
|
|
TSAydee
|
Nov 17 2017, 09:24 AM
|
|
|
A man walks into the Friars barbershop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, “How do you want your haircut?”
The man says, ” I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top.”
The barber looks puzzled and says, “I’m not sure I can do that.”
The customer says, “Why not, you did it that way last time.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
TSAydee
|
Nov 17 2017, 09:27 AM
|
|
|
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don't love me any more..."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."
|
|
|
|
|
|
TSAydee
|
Nov 17 2017, 09:36 AM
|
|
|
A man boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."
|
|
|
|
|
|
TSAydee
|
Nov 17 2017, 09:37 AM
|
|
|
A woman goes to Spain to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "A Spanish girl!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:
"So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - a Spanish girl!!"
"Oh, that," she said "Well, I did what I could; now we'll have to wait for a few months to see if it is a boy or a girl!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
TSAydee
|
Nov 17 2017, 09:49 AM
|
|
|
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
|
|
|
|
|
Quote
0.0150sec
0.26
6 queries
GZIP Disabled