A waiter asks a patron, "May I take your order, sir?"

"Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, how exactly do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

hahaha!!! no "kitty kat" for the father.. lol!!

haha, no p*ssy for daddy tonight

IT'S NOT EASY BEING A GUY

Pity us men.........

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

AGRICULTURE DEGREE

A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door.

"Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture.
Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"

"You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied.

"Oh yes," said the young man, "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it."

"Well, help yourself," said the farmer.

He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.

The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up.

"Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"

"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer.

Again,the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey.

Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.

The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house.

"Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pus*ywillow down by the creek."

The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you!"

On Farts


A fart can be quiet
A fart can be loud
Some leave a powerful
Poisonous cloud.

A fart might not smell
While others are vile
A fart may pass quickly
Or linger awhile.

A fart may be steamy
Or come with a leak
The more you suppress 'em
The more they will "speak."

A fart can occur
In a number of places
And leave everyone
With strange looks on their faces.

>From wide-open prairies
To small elevators
A fart will find al of us
Sooner or later.

Not all farts are bad
This is simply not true
We mustn't forget
Dear sweet, old farts like you!

.... ..... .... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ...... ..... ...... ...... ...... ......

UNTIRING LOVE

This is a true story that happened in Japan.

In order to renovate the house, someone in Japan tore open the wall. Japanese houses normally have a hollow space between the wooden walls. When tearing down the walls, he found that there was a lizard stuck there because a nail from outside was hammered into one of its feet. He saw this, felt pity, and at the same time he was curious. When he checked the nail, turns out, it was nailed 10 years ago when the house was first built.

What happened?

The lizard had survived in such a position for 10 years! In a dark wall partition for 10 years without moving, it is impossible and mind boggling. Then he wondered how this lizard survived for 10 years without moving a single step--since its foot was nailed!

So he stopped his work and observed the lizard, what it had been doing, and what and how it has been eating. Later, not knowing from where it came, appeared another lizard, with food in its mouth.

Ahh! He was stunned and at the same time, touched deeply. Another lizard had been feeding the stuck one for the past 10 years...

Such love, such a beautiful love! Such love happened with this tiny creature...

What can love do?

It can do wonders!

Love can do miracles!

Just think about it; one lizard had been feeding the other one
untiringly for 10 long years, without giving up hope on its partner.

If a small creature like a lizard can love like this... just imagine how we can love if we try.

the story is touching but why put it in jokes heaven?

don get this. wad's a twist? pepsi twist?

omg.. it's a kind of dance.. ..

regarding the lizard story, lizard can live up to 10 years meh?

Well i found it on a joke site.. well its kinda touching as well.. since got ppl read this post. ma post it here lor.. not my love story ma.. how to post in cupid's corner wor.. hehehe..

Well carlsuen... not sure about the lizard though. but there's info here.

http://www.amonline.net.au/herpetology/faq/reptiles.htm#span

it claims that bigger lizards is likely to live a few decades.. it contains lots of info on lizards.

don don .. yeah .. twist is a kinda song and a dance.. from chubby checker.. ..

CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up.

The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

THE BELLS

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

THE BELLS

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Ah Beng, Mohammad and Muthu were at sea when they were hijacked by a group of pirates. The pirates cornered the 3 men and said "Give us all your valuables!" The chief pirate then raised a syringe and added, "Or else we'll inject you with the AIDS virus!"

Mohammad quickly stripped off all his valuables and handed them to the pirates. Satisfied, they threw him into the sea. Muthu was equally quick to comply with the pirates' wishes. Similarly, he removed his valuables and surrendered them to the pirates. Like Mohammad, he was thrown into the sea.

Finally it came to Ah Beng's turn. He stared at the pirates and sneered. "You all kee see lah! (go and die!) Inject, inject lah, you'll never get my lolex and my JPG warret!". The pirates, showing no mercy, injected Ah Beng with the HIV virus, and robbed him of his precious watch and wallet. They then threw him into the sea with the rest.

In the water, both Mohammad and Muthu commended Ah Beng for his bravery. However, they were pretty perplexed by why he was unafraid of the virus. Grinning, Ah Beng answered, "AIDS I not scared what... I wearing condom!!!"

PAY YOUR BILLS!!!!!


Edward the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Pat, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Pat the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Edward the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Edward the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme!

The next day, Pat the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Pat the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Edward the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Edward the Dragon Slayer. Pat the Physician then slipped Edward the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Edward worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Edward the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Edward the Dragon Slayer found Pat the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Edward the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Pat the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Pat the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts. The King immediately summoned Edward the Dragon Slayer...

MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.

A man was out in the Chinese wilderness and he was hopelessly lost. It had been nearly three weeks since he had eaten anything besides what he could forage and he had been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he came upon an old mansion in the woods. It had vines covering most of it and the man couldn't see any other buildings in the area. However, he saw smoke coming out of the chimney.

He knocked on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the ground answered. The old man squinted his eyes and asked, "What do you want?"

The man said, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."

The old Chinese man said, "I'll let you come in on one condition. You cannot mess around with my granddaughter."

The man, exhausted and hungry, readily agreed. "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."

The old Chinese man replied, "Okay, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"Okay, Okay," the man said as he entered the old house.

That night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, he had gone many, many months without sex. The girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather. They couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time. The man crept back to his room later that night, thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

The next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign that said. "First Chinese torture test: 100-pound rock on your chest."

"What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out.

On the backside of the rock was another sign saying, "Second Chinese torture test: right testicle tied to rock."

The rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, so he quickly jumped out the window after the rock. Outside the window was a third sign saying, "Third Chinese torture test: left testicle tied to bedpost

The Twist is a kind of dance during the Rock 'n Roll 1950s. Ask your parents, they might know.