I'm 28 . I'm dating with a divorced mother for 6 months. She has a 4 yrs old daughter.
She's a responsible mother and a good gf too.
Lately, I'm depress bout shud I continue this relationship with her?

Seeking for advice here.

Thank You.

do you personally mind?

Also how would you feel when someone else talks behind your back? Will you be able to handle all these gossip after you get serious with her?

I personally don't mind. I'm gettin serious with her day by day till lately we have some disagreement which make me have a 2nd tot wheather shud I continue or give up on this relationship.
I don't mind someone else talk behind bout me. My sub conscious mind told me tht I'm more concern wht my parents will think if they know. I'm the eldest son in my family.

Pls advice. Thank You.

Apa disagreement so stronk? Your second thoughts about her as a person or the whole 4 year old thing?

1. what sort of disagreement
2. If you have your own children with her, will you love her daughter less
3. does your parents have any idea who you are dating
4. how strong is your financials

hey hey, buy one free one ma..
but then again, how willing are you to take care of her daughter? up till she grown up?
or you think your market shrunk, so you date a divorcee to fill your loneliness?

Thanks for your reply.

1)So far we r still good untill lately, I'm facing a tough situation on my career which causes me stress. I hope she could spend more time with me during my hard days. But I know its difficult, bcoz she need to take care of her kid after work.

2) I'm confident that I will love both of them if I have my own kid.

3) My parents met her before but have no idea she's a divorced mom.

4) middle income. She's working as well.

macam kenal je

Thanks for the reply.

Okay, its a bit complicated here. So far, I'm not financialy involve in taking care her daughter, becoz her ex husband still supporting them. And she's working as well.

I'm 28 this years, have a quite stable job and own a house. So for market wise, Im consider my self still in the range. I'm be with her is not to fulfill my loneliness, I'm taking this relationship seriously thts why I end up here and seeking for advice. If not, I would jus hit and run and wont giv a damn.

please fill the Q&A below:

1. do you love her
2. do you love her daughter
3. do she love you
4. do her daughter love you
5. do your parents love her
6. do your parents love her daughter
7. do her parents love you
8. any religion restrictions
9. can you accept her & her daughter
10. do you feel bad when people tell you " buy 1 get 1 free "
11. do you parents accepting her as a divorced mother with a daughter
12. do you accepting her as a divorced mother with a daughter
13. is your financial allow you to support this family if get marry
14. is her financial allow her to sustain her family for the time being
15. is money / financial is a restriction for your current situation

if i were you, for me a divorced mother with a daughter for me is definitely fine, if i love her, so is her daughter.

you're elder son, and 28years old, older enough to make your own decision.

of cause parents do come in place as a consideration, but dont get influence from parents in decision making.

you have to bear the responsibility yourself

so ask yourself again, do you love her or not.

if yes, what's the issue again?

if no, then you know what to do next.

she have very limited time to find the right men, if you're not, please stop wasting her time, give her your definite answer.

not all people can bear the heavy loaded shoulder at the beginning stage.

can you ?

Hi Kron, thanks for the reply.

It has ntg to do with religion. Its because I'm not sure wheater my parents are open minded enuff to accept me dating with a divorce mother or not. therefore , I'm the eldest son of my family.

I personally do not feel tht relationship with a divorcee is a bad thing. I'm just confused.

My parents will say me useless son if i did this.

Some more is daughter. +1 for daughters, sons suck.

Thts one of 1 concern. I do care my parents feeling as well.

tell ur parents first..then come back and we will restructure your life again...1 at a time bro..

then basically you have a very clear answer.

your parents.

so your next step is very simple.

tell your parents,

mom, dad : i have a girl friends, she's a divorced mother with a 4years old daughter.

wait for the response.

if response is not really good or getting worse, you can end up the closing with "im just joking"

so you get your answer from your parents already.

for her parents i dont think very important, as long is a good men can appreciate her daughter, they've happy.

I think the best is to straight ask your parents about what they think. Definitely they might be unhappy initially due to the fact that she is a divorcee and furthermore has a kid. However, you will be surprised if your parents are ok with it in the end because what matters most if your happiness. If you truly love her and wish to start a new family with her, I dont see why your parents will be your stumbling block.. unless they are really those pantang type.

So, dont waste anymore of her time and yours. Ask your parents straightaway on how they feel about it..

Hi there, I'm greatly appreciate for your advice.
I hardly make joke or fun with my parents. My parents are more likely to be strict , but not too strict type.
I seldom talk bout our personal things with them which this will be a stress for me.

My parents met her before and they really like her. I cant imagine wht if they cant accept she had a kid actually.

Wht shud I do nxt?

see ur parent respond and come back here
i think, mostly parent wont agree with this.. u know, tradition ma..

Abit, since your parents already know her personally, i guess the next reveal would be her marital status/history.

only u know how you & family thinks of her. if you feel that your family is those accepting-type of family and OK for you to take ur relationship seriously, then i'm sure they would be happy that you found someone that you really loves.

good luck!

Sons are batangs. They will grow up to hate the step father more than charbohs even if you support them financially. Charbohs are usually more appreciative.

That aside, charboh usually stick daddy more than stick mommy, sons even self sperm punya also macam sai. I don't think I say more than 100 words to my dad per annum, I ok him, just dunno why stick mom more.

Which is why we always hear terms like "Papa's girl and Mama's boy". Back to the topic, if the divorced woman has a batang kia instead of a charboh kia, the batang kia would grow up to challenge the stepfather's authority and think that the stepfather is desperate and opportunistic who preyed on his mother's vulnerability. But the charboh kia would be more appreciative for having a stepfather take care of her real mother.

Did you find out from her why she divorced her husband? It would be good to know the story behind and use your best judgement. Don't always think the men are at fault. Sometimes women can be at fault too!

Mmmhmm, best part of the deal is, kan always when become papa and know your daughter lena piap by other pipu very samtong, this one not exactly your doto, so maybe not so samtong, maybe la.

if your parents likes her, then u got less worry.

if they cant accept she had a daughter fact, then you might wanna ask their point of view, what's the reason being objection.

if you seldom joke, don't joke.

face to face like doing a business.

ask your parents opinion reason being no face among relatives, or any other factor ?

but let me ask again, you're still dating like any other normal relationship right ?

are you thinking of getting marry with her yet at the moments ?

how bout her ?

did she ?

maybe u can try taking one step back, and just maintain a dating relationship than a serious one. If she does not agreed, means something is fishy... probably she is desperate or something.

If u luv her n her child go for it

As for your parents u have to convince them on y u r choosing the girl.

talk to them..

i think you parents should be proud of you..for having such courage to accept a divorced woman..furthermore, with a kid.

screw those people who may talk bad about you and screw what other people may think about you..at the end of the day it's just you, her and the 4 yr old girl that matters..

if your only concern is pleasing your parents, then just come clean with them..tell them about it..if they disagree, ask them what kind of son would they like to have?

A.) sleep around, impregnate girls and run away

or

B.) someone who have the courage and love to take care of someone who was broken and needed help most

lu suka dia, lu ambik
lu boleh support dia, lu ambik
lu sayang sangat dia, lu ambik,

apa u kisah org cakap.

Inb4 14floor.

All the best to you TS. Hope your parents can accept her and it works out well for you.

But do remember not to love her current daughter less when you have your own kid. It won't be fair.

from a parents point of view, mmg they wont like it. sumore ur their 1st son. like me, i broke off from my muslim girl coz parents object due to me being 1st son and dowan to humiliate the family. but im quite down recently.

so in the end, do something which makes u happy. u cant make everyone happy.

Sounds to me that you're depressed because you're not getting enough attention from her. This is a common situation for single people dating divorced/single parents.

Basically; she's got to juggle her life with her dependent, which is her kid. Therefore; she is thus unable to spend as much time as you would like with you. Because you can obviously take care of yourself (as you're an adult) as compared to the kid. This is the exact same situation that spouses (whom have been pampered by their other half) go through when a new kid arrives and that the spouse is no longer the top priority.

This is something that you'll need to understand/accept. She WILL prioritize her kid above you. Because the kid has no one else, unfortunately. If you're REALLY serious about the relationship; rather than taking it personally and being depressed, why don't you try to spend more time with BOTH her and the kid? Try helping out with the kid as well to take your mind off the depression. Kids can be excellent stress relievers and this will also help with the relationship.

All I can say is that dating a single parent is waay more complicated as you basically have to be the 2nd half of a married family. Only you can decide if this is something you'll be comfortable with.

Hmm.. I can't really give much advice. I only can think of other possibilities. Why in the first place you will date a divorced woman with a daughter? Either you know her long ago or you just randomly pick or introduce by a friend. Again, if not this question, will you continue to love the daughter like you own? provide education, love as a father, teaching and guidance and will the daughter listen to you? What if daughter all grown up and she wants to move to her real biological father and can you support both of them financially after your gf's ex husband stop supporting them? What if again, one day your gf wanna to go back to her ex-husband again to reunite? Sorry, all this are bad possibilities but normally I will do comparison on both side, the good and the bad. Don't forget you are only 28 and you still got a long way ahead of you. Guys are okay getting married late not like girls..

Sorry if previously all these questions have been asked as I don't really have time to read all replies by others.

This post has been edited by ccsfelix: Jan 21 2015, 10:32 AM

HARLO??

All of you think you all still in 1980? Kanasai what era already? If you love her then just tell your parents. After you tell, it is up to them as parents to support you as family. If they have a grudge on it for the rest of their lives then its their problem. As long as you don't burden them to look after the kid for you, otherwise no one is hurting them only themselves.

When you move out of the house to live together who is going to be in the picture other than just the two of you conquering your own world?

Seriously..

HARLO??

This post has been edited by BrownED: Jan 21 2015, 02:23 PM

if u love her..u ll make priority for her.
the child will be bonus...if u love the child then will be not a problem..
i knew some of my friends that have a kid yet the spouse still accept and love the kid like his/her own child...

i think the problem is u want the attention..
since u are quite down.
why dont u guys spend time together for a while..
let her know how u feel..
if she loves u..she ll make efforts..
not excuses

1). Work - stress issue and her taking care of the kid, can be solve...

2). Make sure you are 100% damn sure you can really love her kid like yours even if you have one with her yourself in the future. This area, you must be very discipline.

Question like would you be jealous if the kid go sees her father OR the father wants to see the kid? After all, you are the kid step father only. Hurts right? Start getting use to it, if you are intending to move along this path.

3). You should be more honest with your parents. I know elders are sensitive but it's better they know about it then last minute.



From my friend's experience, the man who married her (she has a daughter from her previous marriage) - chicken out...

So, you must be very honest with yourself, her and your family.

U can start by dropping hints to ur parents. Like.. Showing them some pics of children. Tell them they look adorable. Then ask them, what if I have a gf who already has a child? Will u accept? Just ask hypothetical questions. If they object at first question. Then just say ok.. I'm just asking.. But u need to start to plan on what and how to tell them in the future.

Hello Abit,

First of all, you need to clearly understand "love something doesn't mean you must accept everything without any question or hesitation". We are all human being, we can't kill our emotion and JUST accept everything.
Knowing this is important because you need to know that you have to take initiative to solve this feeling, instead of suppressing it and hope it will eventually go away.

Second, you probably already know, everyone has their own sad past. She never ask for this, if there is a chance to make different decision that won't turn out like this today, she will definitely take the chance. So what done is done, the scar is already there. No one want this to happen, and she is the main victim here. Some more she has a daughter to bear. Since u say her ex husband only supporting her financially, it's hard for a woman to take of a child by herself while need to continue looking for her own happiness despite having a sad past.
Therefore, no expectation should occurred that she can throw away the responsibility of taking care of her daughter and continue living for your like an ordinary girlfriend.
On the other hand, if she just doesn't care about her daughter but all about her own happiness, will u still think she is a good person?

Then, you must understand another thing: loving a person means sharing happiness AND sadness with him/her. So, you need to talk to her about how you feel. Just remember that many people did mistakes by communicating message with emotion and trying to make others agree or follow what they want. So you need to know that talking to her means telling her that you felt insecure despite understanding she has a daughter to bear and she can't just behave like any ordinary girlfriend, however you do wish that she can behave like any ordinary girlfriend. Just tell her this, and then listen to what she think or want to say.
Keep conveying your message in a structured way and make sure your objective is:
1) Just to let her know how you feel, not asking her to help to create the solution that you want.
2) Listen her telling how she feel and what she think about your thoughts and feeling
3) Repeat the process of expressing feeling, stop & listening, think and expressing feeling based on feedback

Remember, your objective is to let her know how you feel and see if she has any idea to make both of your life easier.

Don't keep all these feeling into you, because it will eventually turn into grudge and depression.
When small argument go off between you and her, you might use this reason to explode but it's not fair to her.

For your working stress, do remember that it's YOUR work stress, we all have it. But no saying that the best solution is to look for our partner to release stress. So I would suggest you to look for friends and learn stress management in your own way.

Lastly, for your family side..... It's an unchangeable factor. Family disagreement is something that keep going on and on. You don't need to hide her background forever, it's up to you how you want to convey the message to your family member. But try your best to let your family member know how brave you are for accepting a person who had a sad past and how much feeling you gone through all these time, despite that you still decided to be with her.

You can drop me a message if you need someone to talk to

My question is, what makes u different than her ex-husband?
She has a kid to take care and that is parenting life. Like all others mentioned, if you love her you need to be together being a parent NOW. She's definitely not going to put her time on your so much. What if you break her just like her ex-husband?

What if after you had so many piaping time with her that one day you feel nothing special or bored with her?
What if when you both quarrel will you ever bring up her history?

These are a few things you need to think about.