TS, is your wife/gf problem for not helping you to negotiate with her mum.
Usually a mother will be understanding if the daughter have a real talk with her regarding your financial ability. ... problem is.. your gf did talk or not? She even thinking to help you pay out instead of negotiating.. that is "stupid".

Last time, I told my mum that my hubby only manage to save $5K and we will give all to her as dowry. For the wedding expenses, he will have to borrow from his father. Indirectly telling my mum that my hubby got no more extra $ to give. My mum understood and due to that, she even help me prepare all the angpao for open door, children, etc. And my parents pay for the girl side wedding dinner themselves.
And the cost of the jewelry my mum given me and my hubby (a ring for the son-in-law) total already cost RM4K++.
But the one of the condition my mum mention is.. the RM5K must be totally his $. I should not sponsor any. If calculate.. my mum given it back to us in other form.

TS, discuss with your gf and do a proper talk to your future MIL. I believe normal mother is not $ sucker. But of coz, if she really is $ sucker.. then forget it.

Fyi, my wedding was 7yrs ago.. RM5K.
My younger sister wedding 5yrs ago.. RM8K.

Unless the girl parents never request in the first place. They requested RM10K actually is quite normal price.
Thats your choice, chosen chinese girl. Is the custom to pay.. unless they dun 1.

Yes, tat is the thing that pulling everyone's leg.. but you guys can still decide not to marry them. Decision is still in your hand.
Is good if the gf standby you to fight off or nego the dowry part.. if she is those kind who sided her parents more than future husband, so either leave her or take it. Is still the man's call.

TS, from what you explained of the sudden change of your 5K offer becoming 10K request. Is kinda irritating.
I agreed with the rest here, your gf parents is putting their family cost on you, that is certainly wrong.
You should discuss with your gf to make the situation right with her family.

Your gf can still contribute 5K, but not as part of the dowry. Dowry is the wedding related expenses that you give her parents.. so it will stil be 5K. As for the brother's tuition fee that they may intend to earn from there.. your gf can sponsor her 5K to the brothers. Tell her to discuss with her mum.. using her daughter mother talk.

If this is still not agreeable, I suggest you to postpone the wedding plan to another 1 year. Telling them you need to save another 5K. Although you have 30K now but that is for buying stuff to building the new family (furnitures, wedding pics, etc.).

Besides that, 25yrs old is still young for a guy to get married. Although your gf already 27yrs old, but that does not seem old yet. Both of you can wait another 3yrs at least. Why tied yourself up so fast?
3yrs down the road, probably lesser burden from her family and they may get less demanding.

Ya.. also part of it is face value. Some aunties intend to compare children dowries. But that is not from girl side only.
Sometimes my MIL cunningly said "My fren pay the son's gf parents RM10K. Of coz that girl is a master holder."
Talk as if, I am cheap coz I am not a master.
Also there are time when MIL say ppl doesn't want any dowry coz they are rich family gal. At the same time, given me another feeling that I am not rich.. that's y my mother want dowry? But my mum given it all back to me in jewelry form.
Those are things that our generation can't brain. But please keep in mind.. no matter pay or not pay.. those aunties still talking.. which highly affected the bride's feeling. Pay or not pay .. both gone wrong.

If not agreeable to take up all this problem.. better stay single or marry someone who is not the typical malaysian chinese.

Or mayb consider yourself marry into her family. Then you can ask for dowry in return.

TS, although your gf's mum certainly make ppl angry behaving like that. But don't fight over this matter, at the end will just make the relationship turn sour.
Talk to your gf and tell her to settle her mum. Is her role to do so, to take care of the welfare for both sides. If this problem did not solve properly, it will be bad for both of you. Money is just the part that struggle for the next few years.
But the image that both of you placed in both parents heart, will give you guys a hard time in future.
Her mum will forever remember that her son-in-law kedekut dun 1 2 pay more.
Your dad will forever remember that her daughter-in-law family press water fish and the daughter-in-law never help to ease your problem.
This is bad.

before that, did you get any idea whether you have to pay for the girl side wedding dinner? their tables.
Coz most of the time.. dowry and tables both have almost similar weightage.

Some parents want tables only, no need dowries. (therefore usually they will take the angpao for their tables.. and groom pay the bill)
Some parents want both tables, and dowries (angpao collected from the dinner.. depends.. if they wanted it also.. then too bad.. coz they earn double fr u)
Some parents want dowry only, they will pay the table using the angpao they collected.

Whatever dowry or angpao get from the table that groom paid, sincere parents should return it back to the newly wed couple in other form such as jewelry, furniture, honeymoon gifts, etc.

Anyway, be careful.. if your MIL say ok for 5K but requested you to give her 15tables.. then you'll be dead.

TS, if your gf's family really expecting so much from you ... suspecting that they want the RM10K to settle the brother's school fee.
I certainly suggest you to postpone the wedding plan.
Discuss with your parents and if they ok to postpone... just go ahead to postpone it. Ask your parents coz they deserve the respect.

You are just 25yrs old and so young. You don't have to get married at this young age, forcing yourself to purge out so much $... unless you have to marry her due to some reason.
Wait for another 3-5 years, when you have more income... you probably don't feel the pain of paying more dowry.

Always remember, you only have RM30K (am I right?), and you have to keep some savings to build a young family without anyone support. You certainly cannot afford to pay RM10K dowry and expecting to settle the dinner tables. So.. just answer your gf's parent "Yeah, I am young at 25yrs old and can't afford to spend so much on wedding. Guess we have to postpone so that I can save more money."

It will sound cruel to your gf, but this is for both you and her future. You guys should not finish up the savings on the wedding and become a broke couple.

Another alternatives is telling them you pay them RM10K (cover all). They will have to settle their own tables. No roast pig, wine, or any other barang hantaran. Tell them they won't rugi from the table.. as they will collect angpao from their guests. By doing this, reduce your headache... give them the max RM10K cash.. settle all. They shouldn't be asking anything else from you.

+1
Definitely... later when the gold grow in price.. surely be even more happy.

Most importantly is the gf.
As long as gf is on your side and wisely understand that making fiance spend more during wedding = marry to a broke husband.
Then the guys' pocket will save alot. And at the same time, meaning got a smart wife who will not simply drain your money.

I attended a fren's wedding last weekend. Both side parents are from other states, but they hold the wedding in KL coz both working in KL.
We the lady frens simply bzbody and asked him during his preparation for wedding few days earlier. He is quite blur and doesn't really follow much of the tradition. As he said both parents never say anything, leaving both himself and the wife to do everything.
So there is no dowry given. He said they (wife and him) share 50:50 in a wedding pool fund. So he let his wife decide and just pay watever from this fund.
When we attended the wedding dinner, found that 30tables.. consist at least 10tables is his colleagues/friends. Wife side only mayb 5 tables. And the rest are still all his relatives.
From there I see... his wife probably spend lesser amount from the wedding pool fund compare him.. so he untung.
Parents side.. contribute probably just the wedding gift to the young couple.

This post has been edited by cc980024: Jan 25 2013, 09:56 AM

It seems that this dowry thing will happen to you also, as usually it will follow the similar way your sister got married. Anyway, based on your sister's experience, is confirmed that your parents is taking it just to fulfill the wedding custom, at the end the money still flow back to you... no harm to follow it, instead of trigger any unnecessary argument.
To think on the positive side, they forces the newly wed couple to fork out this lumpsum and convert it to gold for you all. Few years later, you will laugh looking at the price of the gold, and thank your parents for it.. coz if this dowry have not been converted to gold and return to you.. that money probably already spend on some fancy wedding stuff.. which is useless.

Well, you can suggest that to your future wife and her family.
Basically, this thing depends on both side negotiation and to reach an understanding that both side agree.
That's why you see there are ppl being force to pay dowry, some get back repayment from the dowry, and some don't need to pay at all. Many different scenario.

If both side couldn't agree on the amount of dowry, and no one give in, is either you decide not to marry your gf. Or her parents decide not to let you marry their daughter.

Keep asking why tradition shit here won't solve your problem, unless you nego until her parents give in.. or you give in.

Everyone, don't be so mad about the dowry first. Lets check some tradition practice.. the real tradition. Coincident I watch a chinese drama yesterday.. where this rich family gets married.

The guy side bring dowry and gifts to the bride's family ("ping li" in mandarin), in return the girl family have to bring tons of stuff to the guy family during wedding ("jia juang" in mandarin).
At that generation, girl family will look at how great the offering by the groom's family and at the same time the guy side will also checking out what the wife bring into the family. The "jia juang" can be as great as gold, cloths, priceless old item (gu doong), etc.. but no cash.

So during that time, all the daughter-in-law will be judge mostly based on their family background (basically depends on how much jiajuang they bring in). The more they have (richer), the more respect given. Coz this jiajuang is automatically belongs to the guy's family indirectly. Coz if the family bankrupt or even the shoo away the bride.. these items stay with the guy family.

Similar for poor family.. just the amount offer is much lesser to each other.. but the meaning still carries.

For today generation, why ppl only mention about dowry forgetting about "jia juang". Couldn't understand.. but probably the jiajuang is.. in return you get a wife who can earn salary. Instead of old generation, the wife is to be kept at home 100% under the guy family expenses.

Since we were born into this generation, if could not agree to dowry.. perhaps the guys can start asking about "jia juang" from the girl side already.

My mum told me, 60yrs back.. my elder aunty married to my uncle. Very tradition. She bring tons of cloths and clothes (dunno y just this).. and folded it in flowery pattern.. laid nicely in the closet and drawers. During wedding day, gotta open up all the drawers and closet and let the guests to view it. Ppl want to see what "jia juang" she brought.